How do I get my husband to make love?

[Render]

I am very pretty, not beautiful. I am curvy and voluptuous, not thin. But I am sexy, sensual, and loving. I married one year ago to a younger man. I enjoy sex, am open minded, and love passion, teasing, foreplay, and sexual adventure with my partner. I'd prefer to have sex everyday, if not multiple times a day. So far, in our first year of marriage, my husband has only had sex with me 1-2 times PER MONTH, and ONLY in the missionary position or with me on top. Also, despite the fact that I am clean, smooth (waxed), and baby soft down there, he has never had oral sex with me, although I perform oral sex on him. I have offered him anything he desires sexually, attempting to entice him into adventure. Yesterday I sat on the counter in our hotel room in a robe, no panties, legs spread just enough to see a little, the edges of the robe open enough to show half of my breasts including the edges of my nipples. I took a shower with him. Still, no sex. I have tried to get him to have fun with different positions, locations, watch porn together, role play, use toys ... you name it, I've tried it. I get no response. Ironically, he watches porn with women in it who look just like me - older, voluptuous ... but it seems that he only wants to watch other men have sex with women like me, not to have sex with his wife who is dying to make love to him in the most sensual and erotic ways. Last night I slept nude with him, and he did not touch me. Other men I have been with still want to have sexual relations with me, so it is not that I am unattractive. Many of my lovers have said I was the most passionate lover they have ever had. Is my husband gay? What should I do? Everyday I get a little sadder and a little lonelier. Last night I had a dream that I caught my husband in bed with another man. When I tried to join them (in my dream), he got angry. In my dream, he had bite marks on his neck and chest from the man he was with. Any sincere advice or opinions would be appreciated. I don't mean to be vulgar, I only say all of this to show how hard I try to be a good wife and lover, and to express my doubts and depression and concern as to what is going on.

[Hermes]

Render:

 

Perhaps your dream is telling you what is in your subconscious.

 

Hermes

[MD Geist]

Where do I find women like you?

[Honey Pumpkin]

Was your sex life with your husband ever satisfactory? Or has this been the status quo? It's hard to work out what's going on but it could be a lot of different things. Maybe see a relationship/sex counsellor?

[Jd1983]

How long were you together before you decided to get married?

 

Was he always this way when you were dating?

[lavenderdove]

Your mistake was marrying a man who doesn't appear to be that sexual, or else has some other issue like preferring men or watching rather than doing.

 

I think that you can rekindle sexual desire when there was a good spark to begin with, but if he has always been like this, i doubt he's going to turn into a sexual adventurer.

 

I would begin by talking to him about it openly out of bed rather than trying to seduce him. You need to ask him directly why you have an infrequent sex life, whether he is willing to do oral sex on you or not, etc. You need to be honest and say that you want to have sex much more frequently, though i think going from once a month to multiple times a day isn't going to happen with a man who is acting like this, but perhaps you could get him to agree to once or twice a week.

[FathomFear]

Okay, a few questions:

 

- Did you live together and/or have sex before marriage? If so, what was is it like?

- Have you had an open and honest conversation about this?

- Have you considered counselling?

 

Needless to say I don't think this problem is about your level of attractiveness. Something else is going on and you need to work out the situation with your husband to discover what that is.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I just had a look at your other threads. In 2006 you wrote a letter to your then husband concerning his chatting up women on the internet. This was your husband named M. In that letter you referred to the fact that it felt like déja vu with what it seemed like your former husband S. In 2009 you were with another man and it seemed this was a situation where he had been simply using you for sex. You got pregnant and he didn't want the baby so you had an abortion. You wrote about that in May 2009. So I am a bit puzzled as to how you can be married a year to a younger man when in May 2009 you were talking about a breakup with a man your age because he showed interest in someone else who was much younger than him.

[siezemm]

What kind of work does your husband do for a living?

It might be possible he is affected by the nature of his job.

 

Do not try to seduce him any longer, pay more attention to the way you expose your body to him. Do not let him see your sexual organs every often and do not let him know you're preventing him from seeing it intentionally. At a point, he will be hungy of seeing your nudeness then he will start making pasts. Allow him and continue to see if he improves.

[jillianiyp]

Sounds kind of familiar to my life. After i got married, we barely ever had sex. And he never seems to want to with me... He's Bi.

Maybe you husband is too...

[HouseKitten]

As other posters have asked - how long were you together before you got married, and was the sex like this before you got married, or was he previously on the same level as you?

 

Or did you wait till marriage to have sex?

[Render]

He did not believe in sex before marriage, but we did have it one time before marriage, and it was really great. Maybe 3-4 times since our marriage about a year ago he has done something erotic and exciting, and I've always responded positively and encouraged him and told him how much I appreciated it. I've tried not showing an interest, I've tried showing an interest. I have talked to him about it repeatedly. He always promises but never follows through. He always has an excuse. He watches porn, but ignores the real woman at his side. I can't imagine continuing to live without intimacy. I don't know what to do. Today it's "stress" but other days it is something else. The point is, it is always something, and I feel rejected and hurt, not to mention lonely and frustrated, and even tempted to have an affair. I know that's horrible, but I can't imagine an entire life without physical intimacy. Sex is part of marriage. We even saw a counselor who confirmed how important it was, and how it does hurt me to know he looks at other women and porn online but does not touch me. What should I do? What can I do? I think intimacy is something you can use to reduce stress, rekindle emotion, and maintain a healthy, happy life. If you avoid it for every problem in your life, you will NEVER have sex, because life is never perfect. What do I do?

[Stella Sleepwalks]

To me...I don't get the gay vibe if he is watching hetro porn. Some people simply prefer voyeurism, watching others than joining in themselves. It is not that uncommon, but evidently, it's becoming a major issue between the two of you.

 

I do think the more you try the more you are likely to feel rejected. I just want to reassure you that there is nothing wrong with you, and that you shouldn't let your confidence suffer because of this.

 

Seducing him is not going to solve the problem - talking will.

[teabee]

Ditto to what Stella said. Doesn't sound like he's gay since he watches hetero porn. How often does he watch it? Do you feel like that's what is interfering with the sex life?

[FathomFear]

Ditto to what Stella said. Doesn't sound like he's gay since he watches hetero porn. How often does he watch it? Do you feel like that's what is interfering with the sex life?

 

For what it's worth, and I'm not saying this because I think the OP's husband is gay, but you can easily watch hetero porn and be gay. I'm gay and watched it for years before accepting my sexuality. I was able to be tantalized by the hot/macho guys but convince myself I was straight because it was "straight porn"--meanwhile ignoring what it was about it that made me atracted to it.

 

As a FYI too, there's also a brand of straight porn that's made specifically for gay men. "Straight guys for Gay Eyes" is probably the most prominent example of this kind of porn.

[teabee]

For what it's worth, and I'm not saying this because I think the OP's husband is gay, but you can easily watch hetero porn and be gay. I'm gay and watched it for years before accepting my sexuality. I was able to be tantalized by the hot/macho guys but convince myself I was straight because it was "straight porn"--meanwhile ignoring what it was about it that made me atracted to it.

 

As a FYI too, there's also a brand of straight porn that's made specifically for gay men. "Straight guys for Gay Eyes" is probably the most prominent example of this kind of porn.

 

I had no idea, but that makes sense! I'm getting a good education on ENA

[lonelyd00d]

Hmm.. read your post, and here's my take on it:

 

- Have an open conversation about it. Sex is (imo) a very integral part of a relationship

- Maybe you're a bit intimidating, which would make him feel inferior in some way, which really isn't a turnon.. (speaking from my little experience..) but yeah, this relates to my nr 1: have an open conversation with him

- Have an open mind about your situation.. don't try to find fault with yourself or your husband, and just assess the situation (again, communication is key), and either you can solve the problem, find a compromise, or in the worst case, accept that you made a mistake marrying him as he might not have the same sex drive as you.. this isn't uncommon, it just sucks when it happens to you..

 

Hope this helps. Take care!