Boyfriend is way too indecisive

[hers]

I'm not trying to change him though. I just want him to make more decisions so I'm not feeling so one-sided all the time.

[annie24]

how about, "honey - it really turns me on when you choose the restaurant or decide where we go on a date."

[sophie274]

My ex-boyfriend (dated for 3.5 years was like this). He just hated hated hated making decisions about what we were going to do. And if we just decided to go out to dinner without planning ahead of time, it was the same thing you described: where do you want to go? anywhere? how about x place? no don't feel like it? how about y place? no not in the mood then where do you want to go? i don't know, anywhere but i just suggested two places!!

 

Honestly, I found there was no way to change that. We dated for 3.5 years and he didn't get more assertive in that way. The strategy I used, because it bugged me to no end, was to make him plan dates for us - tell him it was his turn -, so that he would have to make decisions. But on the spur of the moment, it always had to be me deciding.

 

For my ex, I think it was seriously anxiety producing for him to decide - and to MAKE him decide (because it seems so simple) would have been like making someone with stage fright give a speech just for kicks. I think it's something you just have to accept.

[Seraphim]

I'm not trying to change him though. I just want him to make more decisions so I'm not feeling so one-sided all the time.

 

You ARE trying to change him though, think about it. I want him to be more decisive. He is not decisive and I want him to be that quality. You really do want him to change.

[george237]

You ARE trying to change him though, think about it. I want him to be more decisive. He is not decisive and I want him to be that quality. You really do want him to change.

 

Agree with this. Either accept it or don't.

[hers]

Yea when it affects me, not just him. It's compromising, not asking him to change who he is. Just be more assertive when it comes to both of us.

[einsteins_girl]

He wrote me abotu dinner tonight and asekd what I wanted with the steaks he's cooking tonight. I told him I didn't care as long as it's not pasta roni. He said "how do baked potatoes sound?" I said "you decide this one". He said "Ok this is in no way tied to our earlier discussion. I suggested baked potatoes and want to know if that is something you are agreeable to. " I said "I'm tying it into our earlier conversation. Consider yourself tested." He said "I guess I walked into that one" and to consider my mind blown with his awesome decision making powers.

 

I think it's unfortunate that you dealt with this conversation this way. Here he was, offering a suggestion, like you've been wanting, but he wanted to make sure it wasn't something appalling to you. That is exactly what he should do. Suggest something and see if you accept the suggestion. If he just said, "Grr... we're having baked potatoes," he'd be a dictator, not a communicator. He just did what you've been asking him to do, and you threw it in his face. You should have simply said, "Baked potatoes sound great! Thanks for suggesting them!"

 

By saying that, you are showing him that his suggestion was a good one (which will encourage him to suggest in the future), and you're acknowledging his effort (which will encourage him to suggest in the future). It would have been better than turning it into another point of contention.

[Seraphim]

I really do see your point hers, I really do, my husband is the most indecisive person alive in many cases. Compromise on both people's part is very critical to make this work. I know you are feeling in this regard you feel you are doing the compromising, but everything in a relationship is not going to be equal in every single respect. In some situations one has to do more compromising than the other. In some situations he may have to do more compromising. I guess just remember not everything in a relationship is going to be equal in every single instance, but equal over all is the best scenario.

[hers]

I think it's unfortunate that you dealt with this conversation this way. Here he was, offering a suggestion, like you've been wanting, but he wanted to make sure it wasn't something appalling to you. That is exactly what he should do. Suggest something and see if you accept the suggestion. If he just said, "Grr... we're having baked potatoes," he'd be a dictator, not a communicator. He just did what you've been asking him to do, and you threw it in his face. You should have simply said, "Baked potatoes sound great! Thanks for suggesting them!"

 

By saying that, you are showing him that his suggestion was a good one (which will encourage him to suggest in the future), and you're acknowledging his effort (which will encourage him to suggest in the future). It would have been better than turning it into another point of contention.

 

Nah, that was all said in jest, the way I responded. He took it that way so it's not an issue.

[einsteins_girl]

I'm glad it's not an issue, but I still think it's an important point. You can help the situation by providing encouragement when he offers suggestions. In this case, joking might not have helped the cause any. Sure, it probably didn't hurt it, but it didn't help it like you kindly accepting the suggestion would have. That's all.

[anya85]

I was engaged to a guy much like that. He had no backbone. He always wanted to go along with whatever I said. He would always cave on the simplest of arguements. I hated it. I probably thought it was cool to begin with, but after awhile, I got bored. I didn't respect him because he didn't act like he had any respect for himself or that he had any opinions on anything.

 

I broke up with him.

[hers]

Well I doubt it'll get to that point for us. It's an annoyance, a big one, but not a dealbreaker. Not for me anyway. But it can get old very fast.

[FathomFear]

I sort of agree actually. Not that my boyfriend isn't manly but assertiveness is a manly feature to me. I'm obsessed with manliness, I think there's nothing sexier. He's lacking in this department but is still sexy to me in other ways, if that makes sense.

 

Well, I'm gay and also definitely attracted to "manliness". However, I'd say that many straight women (in my own experience) associate "assertiveness" with a kind of controlling dominance, which I don't think is particularly healthy. I definitely like guys who go after what they want. However, I think that guys who are assertive just for the sake of it--and don't ask others around them for their preferences--are just annoying.

 

For example, let's say that I were dating a guy and I knew he loved Italian food and hated Greek food. If I presented two choices--the option to go to an Italian place or a Greek place--I would in fact be annoyed if he replied with "whatever you want...". I would not, however, be disappointed if he gave the exact same response when choosing between two restaurants or food options that I knew from experience that he had no preference between.

 

Assertiveness, in my mind, is only "hot" when it's genuine and born out of the truth. Not when it's done for the sake of it to put on some kind of macho/domineering facade.

[hers]

you make sense and i agree. i don't want to be dominated. i think there's a difference between aggressive/dominance and assertive. to me, assertive is saying "i'm taking you on a date and we're going for italian food." aggressive, though, is saying "we're going for italian food and you're having the lasagna". having a set plan about what we're doing=hot. telling me what to do is not.

[FathomFear]

you make sense and i agree. i don't want to be dominated. i think there's a difference between aggressive/dominance and assertive. to me, assertive is saying "i'm taking you on a date and we're going for italian food." aggressive, though, is saying "we're going for italian food and you're having the lasagna". having a set plan about what we're doing=hot. telling me what to do is not.

 

Is his underlying problem, then, that he doesn't plan enough? Does he never initiate outings? I could see how that would be annoying.

[hers]

He does initiate outings. Like asked me if I'd like to go fishing with his friend ast night or if I'd like to go to a movie or something. But more often than not, I feeel like it's me coming up with stuff and trying to figure out what to do. A lot of stuff from him is "let's play it by ear" or something.

[Miss Firecracker]

Could be he just isn't going to be as active are you are, hers.

 

He may just be much more content staying at home.

[hers]

Could be he just isn't going to be as active are you are, hers.

 

He may just be much more content staying at home.

 

Quite the oppostie actually! If anything, I'd say he's more extroverted and I'm more introverted. He doesn't mind staying in sometimes and I don't mind going out sometimes. It's a nice balance, I think.

[Firiel]

I'm the indecisive one in my relationship, and it drive my fiance crazy sometimes. With me, I think it stems from a fear that I'll choose something he doesn't like, and then he'll do it anyway just to make me happy. We've used one particular tactic that's worked pretty well. One of us will basically throw out a couple of options, both of which we would enjoy. So he or I would say, "Hey, let's either go to Red Robin or P.F. Chang's tonight-- you decide." And then the other decides. It's nice because I don't have to worry about choosing something he hates.

 

He hadn't talked to his dad at all from the time he went to sleep to the time he woke up! Why didn't he tell me the specifics last night? So now I feel like I had to put a hold on my plans b/c I didn't know if he was included in the plans or not but now he tells me he had set plans to help his dad by X time. How is that playing it by ear????

 

As for this type of situation... gosh, if you figure out how to deal with it, let me know. I don't think being more decisive will necessarily fix this, though. My fiance is quite decisive and does this all the freaking time. It drives me crazy. He's lucky I love him.

[Sanesoul]

I'm always been very indecisive and agreeable. I would let my husband make all the decisions out of fear that he wouldn't like my choice (past traumas made me crazy).

 

Eventually I starting making decisions on my own and finding myself much happier about it and he is too. It makes things more balanced.

[Ms Darcy]

ANd I've done enough griping at him this weekend and need to stop--I seriously was so snappy and mean this weekend b/c of all of it (it's like it built up for so long and finally exploded on me) and I'm making myself hold back from griping at him again about it.

 

A couple of things about this situation are a little disconcerting. You keep saying it's not a dealbreaker, but you aren't treating him very well by being mean and snappy. No matter what, you can't let your annoyance let you treat him like that. There is clearly an element, for him, of trying to just keep you happy as he noted. It just makes it seem like you are a bit mean to him and he's trying to keep the peace.

 

But even if you were nicer, I think the other issue is that this is very much probably his personality type. I know that it affects you both, but I would encourage you to think about your non-affectionate nature. It's something that he has done very well to accept even though it's hard for him and can make a lot of men feel unloved. Thinking of it in the long-term, he might wonder how you would be affectionate towards the children, etc. But he's sticking with you and accepting that.

 

I'm not saying you need to accept it. Maybe you can't. I'm just saying that I don't think he's being selfish. And I don't think that he'll change any time in the near future, just like you probably won't. I think that it's his personality type, born out of his nature and nurture growing up. I don't know if you have ever looked up personality types, but it might interest you to do so. It sounds like he's a "P" and you are a "J" - which are two very opposite styles in the Myers-Briggs type indicator. That might be helpful to you if you are not familiar with it. Best of luck.

[hers]

I'm affectionate with him, very much so. We're very devoted to each other. This weekend he just got under my skin and I took it out on him, which of course was wrong of me. We had a nice night tonight with dinner and watching a DVD and stuff. We'll be ok, we'll always be ok b/c we love each other and yes, you're right, I do need to shape up.

[Ms Darcy]

I'm affectionate with him, very much so. We're very devoted to each other.

 

I'm glad that you're affectionate! I recalled that you might not have been a big hugger. Just stay happy and in love.

[hers]

I'm not big into kissing but hugs and touching yes. He did admit to me tonight that he's not sure how to act around me right now b/c I was so, for lack of a better word, b---hy to him this weekend and that he even tried to initate sex with me to see if that'd help (turned him down though as I wasn't in the mood) and he just felt awkward and tense.

 

I do very much so need to work on myself here though. I realize I'm not treating him as best as I should and could.

[MollyElise]

I've found the best way to work on any decision like that with anyone is for one person to offer 2 or 3 things that would be acceptable and then the other person chooses. I do this for going to restaurants, choosing which movie to watch, what sidedish to have, etcetera... which would you prefer A, B or C ? sometimes there is further discussion but it is up to the other person to choose the final answer.

 

A couple other people have touched on this and I have found it the best way to keep things fair and everyone happy.