Boyfriend is way too indecisive

[FathomFear]

My boyfriend is really laid back, which is great, but he's almost too laid back. To the point where he can't make decisions and it's driving me crazy. We had the whole weekend together, had plans to go to the beach, go to a festival here in town, go fishing with his friend, etc. That's fine, we came to that decision together. But when it comes to making the decisions at the last minute, that's the problem. All I ever get when I throw out an idea is "Whatever you want to do, baby." If I ask him what he feels like doing, "Whatever you want is fine wiht me."

 

To be clear, what you're describing is not indecisveness. It's indifference. He likely could enjoy any activity at a reasonable level, so he's communicating that he has no preference one way or the other and would prefer you to choose if you happen to have a preference.

 

I empathize with your boyfriend as I am exactly the same way. I am very laid back and not picky. So, if I'm doing an activity with someone I usually express that if someone actually has a preference to please speak up, as I usually don't.

[hers]

Ivan, he's 26 next month. I'm 18 months older than he is. I want a 2 sided relationship with him. In my past relationships I had no trouble embracing control. But with him it's different. His opinion actually matters to me. He just said he'll work on it so hopefully there's some sort of change.

[IvantheAvg]

To be clear, what you're describing is not indecisveness. It's indifference. He likely could enjoy any activity at a reasonable level, so he's communicating that he has no preference one way or the other and would prefer you to choose if you happen to have a preference.

 

I empathize with your boyfriend as I am exactly the same way. I am very laid back and not picky. So, if I'm doing an activity with someone I usually express that if someone actually has a preference to please speak up, as I usually don't.

 

Indifference and laid back aren't quite the same thing. Interesting post though. His indifference seems to be a bit selfish, not wanting to expend the energy too make a decision.

 

26 amongst the male species in todays world is, unfortuantely, kind of young. Most guys haven't quite grown up yet by then.

[george237]

To be clear, what you're describing is not indecisveness. It's indifference. He likely could enjoy any activity at a reasonable level, so he's communicating that he has no preference one way or the other and would prefer you to choose if you happen to have a preference.

 

I empathize with your boyfriend as I am exactly the same way. I am very laid back and not picky. So, if I'm doing an activity with someone I usually express that if someone actually has a preference to please speak up, as I usually don't.

 

Most people don't want to date a yes man.

Her: What do you want for dinner

Him: Whatever you want

Her: I want pizza

Him: sounds good

Her: Changed my mind I want sushi

Him: Sounds good

 

You have to speak up sometimes.

[FathomFear]

Indifference and laid back aren't quite the same thing. Interesting post though. His indifference seems to be a bit selfish, not wanting to expend the energy too make a decision.

 

26 amongst the male species in todays world is, unfortuantely, kind of young. Most guys haven't quite grown up yet by then.

 

Aging isn't necessarily going to cause someone to suddenly have start preferences in areas of entertainment, food, or whatnot. Personally, I think it's selfish to make a decision if I in fact have no preference--especially when I might be in the company of people who do have preferences. Why should I drag a person or a group of people to a restaurant A over restaurant B, for example, when 1) I know I'd enjoy both restaurants equally, and 2) there might be people in my party who prefer one over the other?

 

Now, if everyone in a particular party is equally as indifference then I agree that someone needs to step up to the plate and make a decision. That's where decisiveness comes in--not up front.

[george237]

Aging isn't necessarily going to cause someone to suddenly have start preferences in areas of entertainment, food, or whatnot. Personally, I think it's selfish to make a decision if I in fact have no preference--especially when I might be in the company of people who do have preferences. Why should I drag a person or a group of people to a restaurant A over restaurant B, for example, when 1) I know I'd enjoy both restaurants equally, and 2) there might be people in my party who prefer one over the other?

 

Now, if everyone in a particular party is equally as indifference then I agree that someone needs to step up to the plate and make a decision. That's where decisiveness comes in--not up front.

 

It's not being selfish, it's taking control. It's all that alpha male stuff. I make most the decisions in my relationship but I'm thinking of her when I make them.

[IvantheAvg]

Most people don't want to date a yes man.

Her: What do you want for dinner

Him: Whatever you want

Her: I want pizza

Him: sounds good

Her: Changed my mind I want sushi

Him: Sounds good

 

You have to speak up sometimes.

I agree.

 

Age is jsut a number, i'm just saying maybe one day he'll grow up and know who he is.

 

Even if its a harmless indifference and not a depraved indifference, he's one boring dude.

[hers]

He wrote me abotu dinner tonight and asekd what I wanted with the steaks he's cooking tonight. I told him I didn't care as long as it's not pasta roni. He said "how do baked potatoes sound?" I said "you decide this one". He said "Ok this is in no way tied to our earlier discussion. I suggested baked potatoes and want to know if that is something you are agreeable to. " I said "I'm tying it into our earlier conversation. Consider yourself tested." He said "I guess I walked into that one" and to consider my mind blown with his awesome decision making powers.

[FathomFear]

Most people don't want to date a yes man.

Her: What do you want for dinner

Him: Whatever you want

Her: I want pizza

Him: sounds good

Her: Changed my mind I want sushi

Him: Sounds good

 

You have to speak up sometimes.

 

If you advocate that someone "speak up" just for the sake of it, then the other person in the relationship needs to be willing to participate in an activity that he or she might not enjoy as much (even though the other person would have enjoyed both) just because you want that person to make the decision.

 

Trust me, if you back someone into a corner into make a decision between two options, for example, you pretty much forfeit any right to complain about the choice later. People who are gunshy about making choices have often experienced exactly that it prior relationships.

[FathomFear]

It's not being selfish, it's taking control. It's all that alpha male stuff. I make most the decisions in my relationship but I'm thinking of her when I make them.

 

By saying it's "alpha male stuff" you're just admitting that it's inconsequential and not worth fretting over, unless you think there are actual modern-day reasons why it's a good behavior to have.

[george237]

He wrote me abotu dinner tonight and asekd what I wanted with the steaks he's cooking tonight. I told him I didn't care as long as it's not pasta roni. He said "how do baked potatoes sound?" I said "you decide this one". He said "Ok this is in no way tied to our earlier discussion. I suggested baked potatoes and want to know if that is something you are agreeable to. " I said "I'm tying it into our earlier conversation. Consider yourself tested." He said "I guess I walked into that one" and to consider my mind blown with his awesome decision making powers.

 

I don't think there is anything wrong with him asking if mash is good. He is letting you know mash is his choice and he is seeing if you are ok with it. If you would have said no he would have chosen something different.

[JonasWaingaro]

It's really driving me mad. When I ask him why he doesn't give me any ideas, he just says he is laid back. But then when I throw out an idea, he says he doesnt want to do that. Or when I ask him what he feels like doing, he says "Whatever youw ant to do baby". He seriously told me he says that b/c he "doesnt want to upset me". I asked him if he's scared of me or something, and he says no not at all, but that he just doesn't want me to be upset with his opinion. How would I get upset about where we grab breakfast before the beach???

 

 

Hers I think this is more the key then anything else. He's afraid to speak up for whatever reason - reaction from you, etc. Sounds like maybe he's been conditioned by his parents to 'play along to get along'. I get the impression he has ideas but doesn't mention them. He takes the path of least resistance. (not mentioning details of going to Dads as an example) Probably hopes you'll stubble on them and if not he makes the best of it. You guys need to talk this out because I can see resentment building on both sides. And that's no good for the long term.

[george237]

By saying it's "alpha male stuff" you're just admitting that it's inconsequential and not worth fretting over, unless you think there are actual modern-day reasons why it's a good behavior to have.

 

IMO a man that doesn't make any decisions is a sign of weakness. But thats just my opinion, not saying that you are or the op's bf is.

[hers]

Hers I think this is more the key then anything else. He's afraid to speak up for whatever reason - reaction from you, etc. Sounds like maybe he's been conditioned by his parents to 'play along to get along'. I get the impression he has ideas but doesn't mention them. He takes the path of least resistance. (not mentioning details of going to Dads as an example) Probably hopes you'll stubble on them and if not he makes the best of it. You guys need to talk this out because I can see resentment building on both sides. And that's no good for the long term.

Oh he's very much a don't rock the boat person. As is his dad. I think that's a big reason actually why his mom is the way she is, actually. B/c instead of telling her no and rocking the boat, they just do it b/c they want everyone around them to be happy.

[tso]

IMO a man that doesn't make any decisions is a sign of weakness. But thats just my opinion, not saying that you are or the op's bf is.

 

Agree. I think the man should make the decisions.

[hers]

IMO a man that doesn't make any decisions is a sign of weakness. But thats just my opinion, not saying that you are or the op's bf is.

 

I sort of agree actually. Not that my boyfriend isn't manly but assertiveness is a manly feature to me. I'm obsessed with manliness, I think there's nothing sexier. He's lacking in this department but is still sexy to me in other ways, if that makes sense.

[JonasWaingaro]

Oh he's very much a don't rock the boat person. As is his dad. I think that's a big reason actually why his mom is the way she is, actually. B/c instead of telling her no and rocking the boat, they just do it b/c they want everyone around them to be happy.

 

Nodnod. See I think there's a difference between laid back and don't rock the boat - though I reckon someone could be both! haha Laid back would still have ideas of things to do and make plans etc. Normal stuff. Don't rock the boat is all passive aggressive and such. Ya know? It's not about making sure everyone is happy it's more about not having to be hassled. Not quite the same.

[hers]

I don't think he's passive agrressive. I know I can be though and I do it on purpose with some people (though not him, and if I do, I'll tell him I am being that way). He's easy going, like things rarely bother him. Things bother me enough for both of us, I guess.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think it's unfair to call him unmanly due to him not caring about where he eats...

 

It sounds like he felt this is what you wanted. Just explain to him what you do want and he'll start voicing his opinion again.

[hers]

No I don't think he's not manly. I just agree that making decisions is manly.

[Cognitive_Canine]

No I don't think he's not manly. I just agree that making decisions is manly.

 

But I think he is doing this because he thought it's what you wanted to be happy according to that text message he sent you.

 

He's moving aside to let you do what you want and I think that's pretty manly.

 

But, this isn't what you want and you just have to tell him the misunderstanding. I think this could be fixed in a 5 minute talk.

[hers]

It's not that we don't talk about it though. I have told him all of that on more than one occasion. And I don't want to be in control. Compromise is nice, and I'd like that. Not one person agreeing all the time with the other. And assertiveness is what's manly--stepping aside and letting me take the reigns isn't to me.

[Seraphim]

I think the thing is we are always going to find some quality we do not like in the ones we love. We have to decide if we can work around it or at the very least forgive it and ignore it. There is not one person in the entire world that is going to embody EVERYTHING we want but when we find someone who is truly great for us in many respects we should overlook some things we see as a flaw.

[hers]

I think the thing is we are always going to find some quality we do not like in the ones we love. We have to decide if we can work around it or at the very least forgive it and ignore it. There is not one person in the entire world that is going to embody EVERYTHING we want but when we find someone who is truly great for us in many respects we should overlook some things we see as a flaw.

 

this is very true. i agree that we should learn to accept things about them, even the things we don't like. but when it affects me, that's when i can't just accept it, ya know? this isn't just a quirk, like wearing socks to bed or checking the door 3 times before he leaves (he doesn't do either of those but i'm just using examples). this is something that involves making big and little decisions that have to do with both of us. i don't want to be the one to decide what house we buy one day b/c he doesn't care, or i don't want to be the one always picking where we go to eat. that is something bigger tahn just accepting him for who he is.

[Seraphim]

I see what you are saying, I think though what I am saying is trying to change some one to be who we want them to be is a lost venture. There is nothing that creates more resentment in a couple than trying to make someone into something they are not or do not want to be. I know what you are saying though, I am pretty much the captain of the ship at my house most of the time. Not something I enjoy or had made plans for, but it is what I got and I had to accept that or not accept it.