Envious.

[Her Lady]

36 years, 3 pregnancies & 5 babies later, I accept that I cannot have children. It was always my dream though & it's a tough, bitter pill to swallow but I do. I have gone through decades of dealing with a roller coaster of emotions when someone close to me gets pregnant. Emotionally distraught but I manage to keep my feelings to myself & deal with them without upsetting the person. I am always genuinely happy for them but not without feeling the emptiness of my own barren womb. I feel anger, envy and finally guilt. I feel selfish that I think of myself when I should be able to put my loved ones joy before my own pain. I simply have not been able to.

A friend of 10+ years has recently conceived her first child & of course she is thrilled. I am happy for her but my emptiness echoes in my heart even louder. I usually just distance myself in a subtle way but I am her only friend and it'd definitely not go unnoticed. I do not want to hurt her, I truly love my friend but I can't shake my own feelings.

I've cried for 2 days straight. I have totally given up the idea of having a child but I still feel cheated & bitter about it.

 

So what am I to do? Cater to my own feelings, distance myself and probably hurt my friend who wants to share this beautiful thing with me or put up the brave facade and suffer my misery in silence?

 

It hurts more than I can articulate.

[OptomisticGirl]

I know your pain somewhat.

 

I know I am still young and have although have never tried to concieve a child, it's always been my biggest dream. And my worst fear that it won't happen. I can't even imagine how I would handle knowing I couldn't have my own child for sure.. I'd be completely crushed.

 

The last few years everyone around me has gotten pregnant. Friends, old school mates, even my own sister who is younger then me! I know that emotional roller coaster you go through. It sucks. On the one hand you are happy for them and you wouldn't wish them or the baby any harm, but the larger part of you just wants to scream at the world that it isn't fair, that you should have your turn.

 

In the end you have to take care of yourself. If that means in the beginning distancing yourself a little to give yourself some breathing room I would. Give you a few days or weeks to get your emotions under order so you CAN be happy for her without the guilty and anger there. You have a right to feel those feelings and I believe you should take the time to let them come... but also realize they have to go, especially if she is a dear friend. It's hard, I know.

 

Here if you ever need an ear.

[Anon333]

Not sure what the title of your post means. Have you tried to have children and miscarried? are you unable to have children physically, or just do not have the means (husband, money, environment) to have a child. I have recently been through another break-up and I am 30 and my clock has started ticking loud out of no where. I always thought I'd have kids too, and time just kinda crept up on me, and now Im starting to see I dont have that much time. I feel for you. My sister has a 2 year old and a 2 month old. They are the light of my life. I love them more than anything, and yet I am so jealous they are not my children, or more accurately, that I am not close to having children. I dont think you should hold anything back...Be open and honest about your feelings. My sister knows I am frustrated and want children, and Im sure in some way it is nice to her that I look at her children and think that. But I have cried over this as well, and told my mom and step mom how maybe it wont happen and how hard that idea is to face...Im sorry you are dealing with this..But you are definitely not alone in those feelings...

[OptomisticGirl]

I agree, you should also tell her how you feel. When my best-friend got pregnant with my niece I was over the moon with the thought of being an aunt. But watching one of the closest people in my life go through something I always dreamed about going through... it took it's toll on me. And she knew it. She understood and was always asking me how I was that day.. if I wasn't doing good she wouldn't mention baby talk.

 

I love my niece to death and and would do anything for her but I'm like Anon.. I look at her or hold her in my arms and wonder why it's always the women who DON'T want them that badly that get them....

[Her Lady]

I had 3 miscarriages over a 18 year period, I cannot physically have children. My sister has 3, I was there throughout her pregnancies, deliveries & I helped her raise them. They're 20 & 18 now and have children of their own. I do not have one friend that doesn't have children, so I have gone through this many times but most of my friends are done having them so I THOUGHT it was behind me. Now that a friend has gotten pregnant unexpectedly, the feelings I thought I was over are back and worse because I lost a set of triplets a few short years ago.

[Sparkly Eyes]

Why don't you think of adoption? There are babies out there that need parent, need home and need someone who cares for them! I understand that it must be painful for you. But does it really only have to be your child for you to feel like a mother?

[itsallgrand]

I think if she is a good friend of yours, it's ok to just be open with her about your conflicted feelings. It's not so difficult to understand, and maybe talking with her will help you too.

 

I'm so sorry for your losses.

[d24]

Being infertile is not the end of the world, although I understand completely what you're going through. My brother cannot have children and he's struggling coming to terms with firing blanks. We've been around the houses supporting and empathising with him, but in the end we had to slap some sense into him and they're looking into adoption - 2nd interview next week.

 

While I and everyone here sympathises with and understands the implications of this horrible situation, we're here to offer guidance. So I'll be blunt in the hopes that you'll snap out of this (understandable) self-pity, and consider what it is you truly want because:

 

There's more to life than creating life.

Nurturing it can be just as rewarding.

 

Have you looked at other possibilities if having children is what you really want?

Adoption, surrogacy, fostering, etc...

And do you believe you're in a position in your life to bring up a child?

[tso]

I will try to be as sensitive as possible because I realise this is touchy subject. The way you feel about children is the way I feel about money, and like you, I can't be around those doing financially better then myself.

 

I will say my experience and seeing others, I've come to the conclusion that most people love the idea of having children, most people don't love their children. Most people regret having kids but will never admit it. My mother was a classic example of this. She was 32 when she had me, she had two miscarriages several years prior which affected her mentally. She even said on a few on a few occasions her life was better before I existed, my reaction to this this was to admire her honesty. I can't say it bothered me because her reasoning is understandable.

 

You see, most people are pressurised by society into having kids. I mean after-all we're taught it's normal to want kids, It's abnormal not to. But why do you want kids again? For something to love right? Here's the thing, baby's are cute, they don't stay cute forever. They're messy, they're expensive, they're a waste of time and energy, and some care so much about wanting or having a child that they let themselves go. They become less attractive, their body can become to have full of stretch marks.

 

Also, what happens if your and your husband/BF break up? You're stuck with a kid, and to many men, they don't want to get with a single mother. So by looking for love and happiness, you could be sabotaging those very things in the future.

 

Right now, you are free to do what you want, to better yourself. Don't be feeling guilty for being jealous and putting your own feelings first, and if your friend is a true friend she will understand why you're distancing yourself. It's natural for a female to want kids and off course you're going to be jealous. But realise in many ways you are lucky, and what you think having kids are like and actually having kids are two different things.

[anggrace]

Im so sorry for your loss. I don't think anyone who hasn't been there could ever understand the natural urge some women get to have a child. It's not simply a want or even a strong want, but an internal overflowing natural desire to nurture.

 

I don't think it's selfish of you to feel jealous. But I do think you should find a way to deal with these emotions so that you don't push away these important people in your life. Have you thought of counseling? It would be a shame to miss out on the great experiences you can share with other peoples children. As you know, they are such a joy. They might not be yours, but they can still love you and the time they spend with you. You can still play a big role in their lives.

[BellaDonna]

I am very sorry for your loss. It must be so very difficult to want a child of your own and not be able to have one. I don't want to minimize your feelings or offer advice that is not sensitive to what you are going through. But I do agree with the posters who said that you may want to look into adoption. Don't totally give up the idea of "a child".

 

Adopting may help to fill the void in your heart, and although are not able to carry and deliver a biological child, you seem to have a lot of love to give to a child. You can still help to shape a child's life, and be a "mom". The way that plays out may be different than what you had originally hoped for (i.e. a biological child) but reading your posts tells me that you have so much good that you could bring into a child's life. It is puzzling how the world works: There are 1.) so many couples out there that want their own children and can't have them, and yet 2.) so many innocent children that are victims of circumstance and parents who don't want them or can't care for them. The ideal solution in a perfect world is to unite those 2 groups because both deserve love and happiness.

 

As for your friend being pregnant, I do think you should be honest with her about your feelings. Let her know that you are happy for her but it is bittersweet because your heart aches a little. If she is a good friend, she will understand.

[Seraphim]

I am so very sorry for your losses. I have lost 3 babies as well. I can not carry anymore children. I really feel for you cause like you I feel happy for others when they are pregnant but I feel envious as well.

 

I also agree adoption would be a great solution for you.

[mca1975]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. I can understand to an extent, because I just lost my first child at 9 weeks (a missed miscarriage). I am 35. It is very painful seeing others get pregnant, especially those close to you. I have had this and it's not very nice. its very hard to hide isnt it, not nice living with the feelings of jealousy. My cousin's GF is having a baby ad I was so envious, I could not even bear to look at her bump when I seen her.

 

However, I have just found out I am pregnant for the second time, I am so happy, but I am not in a relationship anymore. I'm going to keep the child because its what I really want, whether the father will be involved or not. No pressure there.

 

I'm scared of miscarrying again, of course....... here's hoping...

 

Just wanted to let you know that I understand the feelings you have been through. Can you not keep trying? I'm sure a friend of a friend knows someone who miscarried three times and she now has two healthy children.