The Day You Stick It To Your Ex! Just A Thought...

[Rob1000]

90% of us on here were either left for someone else or faced the humiliation of having our exes date someone else very soon after breaking up with us. So not only have we had our hearts shattered and egos broken by the one we loved and cherished, but we've been kicked in the balls (metaphorically) at the same time. So for most on here there really is no lower place to go on the feel-like-crap scale. So not only have we broken hearts to suffer, we've had to deal with the tormenting vision in our heads of the ones we love being intimate with someone else right away. We've had to get used to that idea very quickly. We've had the full monty all at once. But what of our exes?

 

For most of our exes, yes there will have been hurt, and to an extent some heartbreak. But they haven't suffered the broken ego/pride, confidence kicked-in-the-knackers suffered by those they dumped. Added to that, they generally haven't suffered the humilation of the one they left behind dating someone else immediately. For all they know they could pick up the phone and get us back at a moments notice. So no battered egos there.

 

Now here's where my thinking is at! I wonder how my ex will feel when she finds out I'm in a new relationship. How will she feel when they guy she was a few months from marrying, is engaged to someone else? For sure, she may not care, but its a part of her healing process she hasn't had to go through. She hasn't had to get used to the idea that I really am gone. As far as she's concerned she could have me back tomorrow.

 

I know this because a few years ago, when I found out a girl who I had messed up badly after dating her for a bit, was engaged to somebody, it suddenly hit me that she was gone. I no longer had any say in the matter. It hurt because I genuinely believed I was the only one she'd ever want. And I never really liked her that much!

 

So I wonder how it will feel the day it hits my ex, someone who LOVED and still LOVES me, that I really AM gone.

 

A pointless thread really, but food for thought maybe!!

[shuttlefish]

The best "revenge" (if that is what you are sort of aiming at) is to not care at all whether your ex knows or doesn't know about your current life and/or what they think about it or anything.

[OptomisticGirl]

I'm friends with my ex's best friend and he told my ex a few weeks back that I was seeing someone. My ex actually told him he thought nothing of it, until he texted me a few days ago and I reinforced just how serious me and my new boyfriend was. I could tell he took it hard.

 

And while the larger part of took no satisfaction from hurting him (I'm just not that kind of person) that tiny part of me that remembered how he had treated me after the break up and how he had been a complete and utter jerk, was thrilled.

[Rob1000]

The best "revenge" (if that is what you are sort of aiming at) is to not care at all whether your ex knows or doesn't know about your current life and/or what they think about it or anything.

I'm not after revenge at all. But it's something that crossed my mind this evening and I explored that notion. That is all.

[shuttlefish]

I'm not after revenge at all. But it's something that crossed my mind this evening and I explored that notion. That is all.

 

Trust me, I know where you're coming from. We share the sentiment.

 

Alas it's not something that can be planned and sometimes we never get to find out how much we hurt our exes in return.

[thejigsup]

When I have found out that a man I broke up with has someone new, I have felt relief and a great relieving of any guilt for hurting him I may have had. It definitely helped me move on.

[chloelesliexo]

cannot wait for this day!

he thinks he is so blissfully in love with his new girlfriend.

how can he fall in love with someone while getting over someone else.

but when i meet someone else, i'll knwo im ready, and my ex will know that im finally over him!!!

cannot wait!

[petite]

I really haven't given this much thought, I think all dumpers are different but in other ways they are so alike or should I say their excuses/actions are so much alike.

 

Some might be hurt and others might not give a toss at all. Personally I don't think I'd care either way because his and is his just as mine was only mine and he never gave a damn about me.

[Sac]

theres many scenarios i can imagine when a dumper dumps that person..im sure theres a thread on this but anyway...one i think relates to me is

 

they have planned it for a while and then broke the news to you. bascially when they have thought it through

[jaylh25]

its an interesting point Rob. You know my ex has remained in contact in various degrees of regularity from day one over the last 15 months despite her living with the guy she left for. I've always been civil but kept my life pretty private. A few months ago she found out I'd been seeing someone and for sure the tone of her contact changed from at first to being "glad your happy" type thing to one where it would seem emotions have kicked in for some reason. A few weeks ago I got a lengthy email saying how she really missed me, thought about me every day and loved me. It was probably the most she's ever written since we split up about her feelings. I didn't read anything into it, she's where she is and i'm where i am but its interesting I think that maybe when they do realise you've let go, met someone new and just moving on it does kick in with them.

[bro namath]

I agree Rob and was thinking the same thing recently. Haven't talked to ya in a while. I think my ex will react much like you described when I begin dating someone. I just wonder when that time will come......

[Live-N-Learn]

Yeah, I believe my X will be in shock when I start dating someone else. I told her so many times that what we had was so special and that in all my life she was the best I ever had. I am sure she will be curious how I could find someone to replace her. I hope it eats her alive. I just don't know when the day will ever come. It will be awhile!

[bro namath]

it's so interesting and takes a lot of balls for ex's to keep in contact like this while with the guy they left you for or the rebound. for example, my ex once texted me she missed me a few minutes after i saw her with her bf at a funeral. she texted me while he was in the same building. i'm sure she ran off to the bathroom to text me or something. a few weeks later she was trying to get back w/ me behind his back but thats another story. like what makes her think that's okay on any level? is it just selfishness with these ppl or * * * . who do they think they are?

[rigguy]

Hmm ... not that it matters but how would you ex know you are dating someone or not if both sides on NC? My ex was dating some dude for months, I had no clue, and I only found out because I kept breaking NC and she got fed up I guess, hehe.

[WomanWriter]

Well, it was interesting, but just after I posted a pic of me and my new boyfriend on Facebook (last week) and talked to my ex fiance's mom, I noticed that he got about 5 "sympathy" hugs and teddy bears on his wall. One of his comments even read, "Remember to tell those you love how you feel before it's too late. I hope you feel better and trust in the Lord." I was shocked. What was more shocking that the comment disappeared. He must have erased it. Made me think he must have seen the pic of me and my boyfriend!

 

I know I shouldn't be looking at his profile, but I'm still friends with his mom, and I do look from time to time. Just surprised what I saw. Usually doesn't have much activity.

[chocolateman9]

My ex-girlfriend of over a year recently had sex with a guy I knew, and a guy she knew I didnt like, about a couple weeks after breaking up.

 

The breaking up was hard already for me, but this just totally brought me down. I was shaking when I found out about it. And when I talked to her on the phone she had no sense of remorse at all, and basically she said she was happier now acting this way, when she always disliked these types of girls.

 

I'm moving past it, I still think about it from time to time. But I made the decision to not go and make a one-night stand. I dont even like thinking about anything sexual right now as it brings me to...thoughts.

 

So how am I going to stick it to her? Find a new girl and start a long relationship with her. She hasnt dealt with the process of me dating other girls, oh boy I hope she gets hurt.

[rapunzel]

I like to think that when I fall in love with someone else that that event will have some kind of effect on him but I also know that if/when that happens, I won't care so it will be a moot point.

[bedrocks]

Now here's where my thinking is at! I wonder how my ex will feel when she finds out I'm in a new relationship. How will she feel when they guy she was a few months from marrying, is engaged to someone else?

 

A pointless thread really, but food for thought maybe!!

 

There is no point.

 

She dumped you...she won't care if you've got someone else, in fact she might be happy for you. It will be about as notable to her as some blip on the local news about some relatively insignificant event.

 

The very fact that you think it WILL matter, is nothing more than projection of your own thoughts onto her. If she cared, she'd still be in your life.

[ANewMe]

I was just thinking about how I've been sticking it to my ex from day one. He dumped me - total GIGS - and with the exception of a short, business-related email - I've been total NC. And that right there, I know, is sticking it to him. For the last three months, has done just about everything but contact me like an adult - "accidental meetings,' buddying up to my friends, showing up where he knows I'll be, the whole deal. Each time he's been met by me completing ignoring him. Last week, he was hanging around by himself at a place I frequent and, in an obvious pathetic way, approached a friend of mine. The first thing out of his mouth wasn't hello, but that we had broken up. She didn't talk to him about it because she knows what he's up to. Oh and the girl he left me for? Lasted a month. He's since moved on to someone else. But he's not over me.

 

My point? Consider this: the ego is strange and curious thing. Yes, they may have dumped you, but there may be a small part of their ego, self-worth, arrogance, whatever you deem it, that wants you to come crawling back. I KNOW my ex has been blindsided by my behavior. He did not expect NC from me, or for me to delete him from FB, or for me to date again. And I do not think I am reading into things too much when I say his behavior tells me I have, indeed, stuck it to him.

 

I don't enjoy hurting him. I simply am enjoying the satisfaction of basically giving him what he wanted; to be rid of me. Now he has to live with it.

[rapunzel]

There is no point.

 

She dumped you...she won't care if you've got someone else, in fact she might be happy for you. It will be about as notable to her as some blip on the local news about some relatively insignificant event.

 

The very fact that you think it WILL matter, is nothing more than projection of your own thoughts onto her. If she cared, she'd still be in your life.

 

Not necessarily true. I dumped my boyfriend 3 years ago and I know if he finds a serious relationship while I am still alone I will feel sad and regretful that things did not work out. I will probably even be a bit jealous but I broke up with him for valid reasons so there is no going back.

 

Then again, for some cases this will be true, that it is just a "blip" but certainly not in every case.

[bedrocks]

Not necessarily true. I dumped my boyfriend 3 years ago and I know if he finds a serious relationship while I am still alone I will feel sad and regretful that things did not work out. I will probably even be a bit jealous but I broke up with him for valid reasons so there is no going back.

 

Then again, for some cases this will be true, that it is just a "blip" but certainly not in every case.

 

That's true. I made a generalization there, and that's a dangerous thing to do because every situation is different.

 

I feel that in "most" cases, the dumper has moved on and if and when they find out the dumpee got involved with someone new, it won't mean all that much if anything at all to them. Certainly what they do in their lives means infinitely more to the one they dumped, until such time as the dumpee gets over them, which can take months or years.

[Rob1000]

There is no point.

 

She dumped you...she won't care if you've got someone else, in fact she might be happy for you. It will be about as notable to her as some blip on the local news about some relatively insignificant event.

 

The very fact that you think it WILL matter, is nothing more than projection of your own thoughts onto her. If she cared, she'd still be in your life.

 

It's very rare that I say this but that's just plain wrong. In my situation anyway.

[DazB]

Nice thread Rob.

 

Right now I am feeling a little bit sorry for myself but I think I am entitled to. I have posted about my story before but I feel the need to vent it again.

 

My girlfriend decided to leave me because she didn't feel the same about me and had developed feelings for someone else. When I first confronted her about my feelings of jealousy and this 'friendship' with another guy she decided to drag me through two days of hell and a family birthday party before deciding to finish it with me.

 

We had been going out for 2 and a half years and had made the commitment of buying a house together. (I use the word commitment because that is what buying a house together is, a commitment. By entering into that agreement you are at least saying that the relationship is worth some work when the going gets tough - from my point of view she didn't see it that way and ran at the first sign of trouble.) I had moved away from friends and family to be with a girl I loved and believed loved me.

 

Throughout the relationship we played a MMORG games together every night. It was our thing.

 

We had done a lot of work on our property and I had grown very close to her parents, uncle and auntie. Her, the house, her family and our pets were my life.

 

She left for someone she worked with, talked about in my presense, played the same game we did and she tells me she has feeling for him because he has 'cool' shoes and watched a cartoon she did when they were younger.

 

She tells me that her work colleagues thought they should be a couple and one of them deliberately moved seats at a christmas do so that they could sit together.

 

She said she loved me right until the last day.

 

When she left I had to move out of our home, because that was the only logical option from my point of view (can't stay living in that house, with them momories and no one near me - plus I could not afford to keep it). So, I lost my girlfriend, home, pets, second family and have had the thought of some other guy invading every cravace of my memories.

 

I rang her up a day after the split from my Mum's house. No how are you? nothing and when I asked how are you feeling? she simply said relieved. Less stressed.

 

Yeah that's right love. Probably because the only change you have had to make is switching me for this new perfect fella.

 

I find it very hard to forgive and wish them happiness. He may be the best boyfriend ever for her. Yet, I do. I forgive. I have tried my hardest to move on. I have been fair. But there is nothing for me to gain. Nadda.

 

I just don't get how this happens.

 

Nice guys finish last I guess.

 

So - if and when I find someone else. When I have children or get married I WILL be smiling when I look back at how I (with the help of friend and family) dragged myself up out of the firey pits of hell. Each day I strode on. I found new work, I continued college, I have gotten fit, met up with old friend and made new ones. Had a laugh, had many good times, got in touch with family I havent spoken to in 15 years. I have picked myself up and moved on despite the hurt and anger I have been feeling. Other people may think 'oh, it's just a break up' but to me this has been the most difficult, the most defining stage of my life.

 

Sorry for the slight thread jack there but your post really spurred me on. Some things you mentioned seems to bring out that anger in me, in a healthy way of course

[Rob1000]

I feel you Daz. Almost the samt story as mine, except it was my house and she had to leave. Thankfully it was 6 months before I married her, so she would have got the house too!!!

[bedrocks]

She left for someone she worked with, talked about in my presense, played the same game we did and she tells me she has feeling for him because he has 'cool' shoes and watched a cartoon she did when they were younger.

 

Here's a good example of why it's almost never worthwhile to try and get closure from the person who has dumped you. The reasons they give are rarely the actual reasons, it's just something off the top of their head, either designed to get you off their back with the "why" questions, or they really have no idea and they just throw some stuff out there that sounds good. She didn't leave you for this guy because he has 'cool shoes' and because of a childhood cartoon they both watched.

 

She said she loved me right until the last day.

 

Well, that word is thrown around way too often. It meant nothing to her when she said it, at least in the latter part of the relationship.

 

I rang her up a day after the split from my Mum's house. No how are you? nothing and when I asked how are you feeling? she simply said relieved. Less stressed. ...So - if and when I find someone else.

 

When you do find someone else, if she finds out about it, do you think she'll give it more than just a passing thought at the very most?