Wine and Sublime... a new journal by Jen

[jengh]

Good god, I am so upset today. I know Minka was old and it was her time, but I am devastated. When you have a pet for almost your entire life, they're like an extra limb. I can't stop crying. Even my mom is super upset and she didn't care much for Minka. My parents are burying her tonight. They said I could do it, but I can't. I just can't.

 

I loved her so much. Oh Minka, I thought you would outlive us all.

[Bella20]

i am so sorry for your loss jen. i emailed you. i hope you are doing better.

xoxoxox

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

I'm so sorry, Jen. She was a beautiful cat!

[jengh]

I just had a meltdown...

 

I'm at my parents' house and Minka not being here isn't right. I had to move several things in the house. Everywhere I look I see her. I miss her so much & can't stop crying.

[Bella20]

oh honey i am so sorry. i wish i was there so that i could hug you

[jengh]

Haven't posted in awhile... I've been busy. I finished up the semester and start summer classes next Tuesday. Lucky, lucky me.

 

There's still been an adjustment period having Will living here, but I think things are improving. I went up to Cadillac with Lacey yesterday for a girls' weekend. It was good to get away because it gave me a night to miss him. Spending every second together is just a lot sometimes.

 

I've been so moody lately, I haven't been feeling well. I don't know what's up with me.

 

Some pictures from last night...

 

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My babycat:

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Petoskey Waterfront:

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[jengh]

I'm up at my parents' house now. On their computer, on their dial up. Blah. My mother was just looking over my shoulder for 10 minutes. I feel like I have zero privacy up here. Will came with me, he met my parents finally. They love him, so that's a good thing.

 

Yesterday, we went into Petoskey and went for a walk along the "cliffs" overlooking the water. I took some nice photos but I'll wait until I'm home to post any, as I don't have my camera cable or my own computer.

 

Last night, we went for a walk in my woods. It used to be a big party spot in the 60s before my parents bought the property. I love going back there. It's so chill. Took a few pictures on my phone...

 

This is my favorite tree of all.

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My back woods... the leaves haven't come in yet fully so it's still pretty bright.

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The writing wraps around the side of the tree, but it reads "Let the squirrels run free"

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Love my dog.

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[Bella20]

you are so beautiful

[jengh]

Thanksss. I've been feeling like a big, ugly piece of crap lately.

[Bella20]

please don't say that. why are you feeling like that?

[jengh]

I'm still up north for mothers' day. No computer access really. Things had been going really well up until today. My mom and I had been getting along, all was good in the world.

 

Today, I got showered and dressed. I had a pair of flattering pinstripe pants and a reddish/pink top on that I like. I went into the kitchen where my mom was and she looks at me and exclaims, "why the hell are you wearing a shirt like that? It looks terrible on you!" Ouch. I asked her what she was talking about and once again, she called me fat. I started crying and that pissed her off so she stormed out. My dad came in, asked why I was crying and I told him. My mother storms back in and denies ever saying it!!! The rest of the day she's just been antagonizing me about every little thing. Seriously, it's like, just because it's mothers' day, she thinks she gets a free pass to be a huge B.

 

Thank god I'm leaving tomorrow. I didn't even have to come. I was trying to do a nice thing by being here on mothers' day. She wanted me here so I came.

 

I'm just really upset. I've done so much since getting up here Wednesday. I've cooked nice dinners every night, prepared a dinner party for her and 6 friends (inc shopping, cleaning, cooking, everything), laundry, cleaning, shopping. It's like it was all for nothing. Everything I do goes unappreciated by her. I know I need to stop being so accommodating but it's hard. When she's nice and being a real mom, we have a lot of fun together. But the bad times are so hurtful.

[jengh]

I'm still up north for mothers' day. No computer access really. Things had been going really well up until today. My mom and I had been getting along, all was good in the world.

 

Today, I got showered and dressed. I had a pair of flattering pinstripe pants and a reddish/pink top on that I like. I went into the kitchen where my mom was and she looks at me and exclaims, "why the hell are you wearing a shirt like that? It looks terrible on you!" Ouch. I asked her what she was talking about and once again, she called me fat. I started crying and that pissed her off so she stormed out. My dad came in, asked why I was crying and I told him. My mother storms back in and denies ever saying it!!! The rest of the day she's just been antagonizing me about every little thing. Seriously, it's like, just because it's mothers' day, she thinks she gets a free pass to be a huge B.

 

Thank god I'm leaving tomorrow. I didn't even have to come. I was trying to do a nice thing by being here on mothers' day. She wanted me here so I came.

 

I'm just really upset. I've done so much since getting up here Wednesday. I've cooked nice dinners every night, prepared a dinner party for her and 6 friends (inc shopping, cleaning, cooking, everything), laundry, cleaning, shopping. It's like it was all for nothing. Everything I do goes unappreciated by her. I know I need to stop being so accommodating but it's hard. When she's nice and being a real mom, we have a lot of fun together. But the bad times are so hurtful.

[hers]

sigh, jenn. i'm really sorry she was so crappy to you today. just remember her words aren't true and you don't have to believe them!!! love you!

[jengh]

Thanks Things have been so awkward since. I've been so edgy I flipped out at my dad over nothing. I apologized but I still feel guilty. She made a comment while we were up by the bridge in mackinaw city and even will was like I can't believe she said that!!!

 

I packed everything in the vanimal tonight so I can leave first thing tomorrow.

[sophie274]

I'm so sorry Jen. I've had a bad mother's day with my mother too - and I want to leave but I feel bad because I was supposed to stay longer. My mother also criticizes me like crazy sometimes, IMO, but when I bring it up she says I'm over sensitive and she's just trying to help. Hugs. At least you have Will and Mr. Chirples and a lovely Cairo who love and adore you and will not criticize you (at least for Mr.C and C)!

[hers]

God, Jenn. That really sucks. What does your dad do when she gets like that?

[jengh]

I'm so sorry Jen. I've had a bad mother's day with my mother too - and I want to leave but I feel bad because I was supposed to stay longer. My mother also criticizes me like crazy sometimes, IMO, but when I bring it up she says I'm over sensitive and she's just trying to help. Hugs. At least you have Will and Mr. Chirples and a lovely Cairo who love and adore you and will not criticize you (at least for Mr.C and C)!

 

I'm sorry yours was rough too my mom pulls the same line--"I'm only trying to help". Bull. I don't think it's being overly sensitive and even if it is, so what? We've been like this for 20 years, get used to it!!! Ugh.

 

See how today goes, if it's still bad leave. I'm so glad I'm leaving. I'm going to miss Cairo so much though.

[Bella20]

I'm sorry yours was rough too my mom pulls the same line--"I'm only trying to help". Bull. I don't think it's being overly sensitive and even if it is, so what? We've been like this for 20 years, get used to it!!! Ugh.

 

See how today goes, if it's still bad leave. I'm so glad I'm leaving. I'm going to miss Cairo so much though.

 

you are beautiful. don't listen to anyone who ever wishes to tell you otherwise.

i mean it

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Ah, I know this very well. You have to just mentally force yourself to remember that this is her thing with you... she must just LOVE telling you she doesn't approve of your weight, so let her go ahead with it. It doesn't have to bring you down, but I know it hurts like hell.

 

Oddly, my mother said "Look how skinny you are!" (I've lost about 15 pounds) and I said "Oh thank you!" and she said "You really have no idea how big you were. I didn't want to say anything, but you were just so... idk... keep losing!"

 

Whatever, lady.

[jengh]

Ah, I know this very well. You have to just mentally force yourself to remember that this is her thing with you... she must just LOVE telling you she doesn't approve of your weight, so let her go ahead with it. It doesn't have to bring you down, but I know it hurts like hell.

 

Oddly, my mother said "Look how skinny you are!" (I've lost about 15 pounds) and I said "Oh thank you!" and she said "You really have no idea how big you were. I didn't want to say anything, but you were just so... idk... keep losing!"

 

Whatever, lady.

 

Wow, that was.. nice.. of her. My mom has said similar to me when I've lost weight. It's like, really? I'm pretty sure I had a good idea of how big I was but if you say so.. you know best

 

It's so hard to just let it roll off like nothing. I've been working on it for years and she STILL gets to me.

[Daligal83]

I think when someone puts others down like that, it has more to do with themselves that the person they are insulting.

 

For example, a good friend of mine has a rough relationship with her mom and her mom gets all defensive when she tries to talk to her about it. We pretty much figured out that her mom is jealous of her because she went on to graduate school and is supporting herself. Her mother never went to college or had that opportunity to be so independent. So she puts my friend down to counteract the jealousy.

 

I bet there's something similar going on in your situations. I'm sorry you guys have to go through this It's definitely not right or fair.

[jengh]

My mother and me, pre-war. Admittedly, things have been better the past couple of weeks but she never apologized. Whatever.

 

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[IntotheWild]

Maybe you should just cruise out to California and see where your feet land.

[jengh]

Maybe you should just cruise out to California and see where your feet land.

 

Oh, you have no idea how much I would love to do that. That's my ultimate goal after I graduate. I love the Bay area.

[jengh]

I think my relationship is over. Too many things have happened lately, too much drama. I can't handle all of his lying. My heart is ripping into pieces right now, my stomach feels like it's going to fall out of my butt. I have to leave for school in a little bit. I don't know how I can focus but I can't skip.