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Wine and Sublime... a new journal by Jen


jengh

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I'm so envious of everyone here that can journal away for hundreds of pages, hell, even a hundred posts without losing interest. I've started a few, but they've been lost into oblivion. Plus, things have changed so I think it's time for a fresh start on this. We'll see how it goes. God knows I have enough time on my hands.

 

I got back from England 8 January, moved into my apartment, got my cat back, got my old life back but I haven't been happy. I'm still miserable and self-loathing. I'm lonely. Some work weeks go by where the only human contact I have is with the girl at my tanning salon or the guy who does my nails. People don't really call me much anymore, probably because I don't return their calls when they actually do. I expect too much of people. First off, I hate talking on the phone, I absolutely dread it when that goddamn iPhone lights up and I see [[name]] calling. What's worse is when I text someone and they call immediately. You can't screen their calls because they know you're there. I don't know why I hate it so much. Even calling my best friends gives me anxiety and they LIKE me. A mystery.

 

I started painting again, although I ran out of canvas so apart from my wall (which is actually tempting), I don't have anything to paint on. At least that was a constructive way to pass my idle time.

 

I met up with a couple of girls from high school Saturday night. We went into the city to a place called HopCat. I love the bar and it was nice to see them. I hadn't seen them since Robbie's funeral two years ago. While it was nice, it made me feel slightly sad... everyone's graduating college and applying for big girl jobs and I can't even finish my BA. I hate school, I don't know if it's even the right thing for me... but you can't go anywhere in life without a degree. I'm 23 years old and am classified as a junior..barely. I have switched schools and majors so many times I've lost count. I feel like a failure. I photoshop my transcripts so my parents don't realize how god awful I am at school. It's not that I'm unintelligent, it's that I just don't care. When I do actually complete a course, I get an A or a B, but it's completing that's the challenge. I'm happy for Katie and Alex and everyone else from school who's finished up, but I can't help feeling envious. I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up. I'm just stuck, again.

 

Things with my parents have improved since I returned from the UK. My parents seemed to legitimately miss me and they've been a lot nicer to me than before I left. My mom told me she just assumed I wouldn't return, that I would move to England on a permanent basis... which was the original plan, but come on, let's face it. I'm meant to be somewhere perpetually sunny and warm... not rainy and cold. As much as I hate Michigan, I do enjoy the summers. I live for those hot summer days when I'm up in Harbor Springs. Stop at the Pleasantview Party Store for some beer or wine and drive up to Sturgeon Bay. Sometimes alone, sometimes with my best friend. We've spent hundreds of hours on that beach, talking about everything from life to death to boys to pets. As I type this, I'm having flashbacks of Jackie and me sitting on the beach, drinking wine out of the bottle (I even remember it was called Funky Llama) laying on the sand, laughing at nothing. Just being happy and free. Thank Christ it's almost summer. I miss Jackie. She's been the one stable thing throughout my life. The one who always seems to understand exactly what I'm going through and I love her for that.

 

It's funny, I start talking about my parents and end up finishing the paragraph talking about drinking wine on the beach with the girl I love most in this world. I don't have siblings, but if I did, she'd be my sister. I should call her. Her son, my godson, will be 2 in June. That blows my mind. I'm too young for my friends to have toddlers. A lot of the time, I still feel like a teenager myself. God knows I don't have enough responsibility to be classified as an adult. I'm a high schooler who is just able to legally drink and live on her own. That's how it feels a lot of the time.

 

I miss my high school life. When I went to university, everything changed. I was no longer popular and pretty and got along with everyone. I was thrown into a giant pool with 50,000 other tiny fish just trying to find a place. 3 universities later, I still haven't found that place. I have friends but the bonds aren't nearly as strong as those formed 9 (holy god) years ago. Has it been that long? Has it really been 9 years since Mr. Simila (RIP) caught Jackie and me smoking pot down at the boardwalk? 9 years since I first started sneaking out of my house to go to field parties and most importantly, 9 years since not having a care in the world? That seems like such a lifetime ago, yet, it seems like yesterday. The memories are vivid and fresh in my mind still. I never thought that, in 2010, I would still be in Michigan that's for damn sure. To be fair, I moved out of the country for awhile, but I'm back. I shouldn't be here. I'm not meant to be in michigan. I should be sitting on a beach in California with a bottle of wine, watching the surfers... okay, and maybe have a big girl job. Maybe. But this... this isn't what I pictured.

 

It feels like so long ago, and as it was happening, seemed to go by so slowly... but now that I look back on everything, not so much. Somehow, I need to forge a path for myself.

 

Until then, I count the days until Jackie and I can be reunited with Sturgeon, our wine and Sublime. Maybe somewhere along the way, I'll get a clue as to what I should be doing with my life. I've had my ups and downs, that's for damn sure.. but lately, while I'm lonely as hell, things haven't been half bad.

 

And now, I am thrown back into reality... the beach and wine and pot and my friends zapped away... and I find myself in this little apartment wishing for something... Maybe one of these days I'll figure out what that something is.

 

I might as well make this a photo journal as well. It is, afterall, my life.

 

The infamous Sturgeon Bay

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Harbor Springs Beach

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Jackie and me in Florida

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Cairo is a sneaker

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So, Will comes in April. April 7 to be exact. I'm picking him up in Detroit exactly 5 weeks from today. We had an amazing time living together in England but since we've been apart, it's been anything but amazing. We're both fairly miserable. We don't do well apart. I question every little thing, I'm insecure and needy. His mother is overbearing and drives me up the wall with the way she treats her son. He's not 7, he's 27. I wonder when she'll get that through that head of hers. Now that the ticket's been booked, I can finally relax. It seems like every day was a new fight, a new heartache. I started questioning the relationship itself because he was supposed to be here much sooner than April. But, what's done is done. He'll be here from 7 April- 6 July. I'm so excited he'll be here for the 4th of July. It's not because I'm patriotic, not at all, but the 4th is my favorite holiday. It reminds me of beer and sunshine and boating and fireworks and my best friends all combined into one day. That's about the only thing I have planned out for his visit.

 

I think my favorite 4th of July was my sophomore year of high school. I met my friends around 10am in Harbor's park, where they set up the arts booths every year. We walked down to the marina, got some guy to buy us a couple of cases of beer, and hopped on the boat. We drank all day, smoked, and cruised around the bay. It was amazing. I remember every little detail of that day like it happened yesterday. When it finally became dark, we anchored the boat and sat on the grass at Walstrom's Marina in Harbor, walked up to the boardwalk, smoked some questionable substances, and watched the fireworks. I've never felt more alive and at peace than on that day. I don't know what it was, maybe the combination of the perfect friends, a boat, sunshine, and summertime, but it was fabulous.

 

I was hoping to take Will all over when he came to visit but he'll only be here for 3 months, which is significantly less time than we had originally planned (visa issues) so funds and lack of time will cut a lot of that travel time out. I would like to take at least one long road trip though. East coast, west coast, south coast, doesn't really make much difference to me. I love driving, I love the simplicity of road trips, the freedom you have by not sticking to some BS itinerary. The freedom to go where you want, when you want and stay for however long you want makes me happy. I've been having an itch to go to Miami again, so we'll see.

 

Despite all of our issues, how much of a rotten excuse for a human being I've been, I think we'll work. We do well as a couple. We just don't do well apart. We're extremely compatible and my mother already loves him, despite never having met him. 5 weeks, 35 days, 840 hours. It's nice to have a countdown. Hopefully by then I'll have managed to snap myself awake. Everything is so dull right now, lacking substance, meaning. I wake up in the morning/afternoon, go tanning, maybe meet Lacey for lunch, maybe go for drinks later, watch tv until my eyes fall out or until my 57 sleeping pills kick in (whichever happens first), go to bed. Rinse and repeat.

 

I know, I need a hobby.

 

I miss him. It's been nice being home with my friends and spending time with my cousin (the only relative I can even remotely relate to), but going to bed alone makes me sad. Waking up in the middle of the night expecting a body (that isn't 10 pounds and covered in grey fur) to be to my right but only finding emptiness makes my heart hurt. I'm an independent person, I really am... but I do better as a half of a pair.

 

The time should go by fairly quickly. This weekend, Lacey and I will be going out at some point. I'll call Brittany and see if she wants to come on our girly night. I miss her. I haven't seen her since I got back. Conflicting schedules and all that.

 

Next week, I'm heading up to Harbor. I should let Jackie know so she can find a sitter for her kid and we can go out properly. God knows she needs it. I hate her boyfriend almost as much as she does.

 

Ahh, let's play the picture game again.

 

Will and me, August? September? Who knows.

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Brittany and me, July 11, 2009

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Lacey and me, June 2009 (I need more recent photos of us! Ahh!)

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My cousin Kasi and me, pre-tan obviouslyyyy

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It's so nice and sunny today, too bad it's cold. If I just look at the sky and tune out the rest, I can actually trick myself into believing it's summer. Just don't look down.

 

I woke up this morning and had no idea what day it was. This is how dull and mundane my life has become. I used to love that feeling of not knowing or caring when I was younger, spending every waking moment at the beach. The only thought or care, even, was whether or not it was raining.

 

I need to lose weight again... not so much again, I suppose, as still. I lost a decent amount last year but since coming back, I've been stress-eating like crazy and it's creeped back up. I don't own a scale so I couldn't tell you how much I've gained, just that my clothes fit a little bit snugger. Now that Will has booked his plane ticket, I've relaxed and guess what? I'm eating like a normal human being again, not like someone carrying quadruplets. I did well yesterday, all I had was sushi which is relatively healthy. The white rice maybe not so much, but the rest was okay. I really need to cut back on the sugary pop and switch back to diet. Once I'm finished with the pop I have in the house, I'll make the switch. Once the snow melts on my trail, I'll start jogging again too. Ugh, I envy those who are naturally thin and svelte. I've never been thin, and I've never been svelte.

 

I desperately need to do laundry. I only have a couple pairs of pants left and bar tops. I can't exactly wear my bar tops during daylight hours. I'm going home next week though, so I think I'll let that be a gift for my mother, haha.

 

This cat is driving me up the wall today. She can't stand the fact that I'm typing and not giving her 100% of my attention. She's so funny, the way she acts out like that in the way a small child would. Christ, I love this cat so much. If anything ever happened to her, I would lose my mind. Her breathing worries me, the way she snorts and wheezes. It can't be easy for her. The vet says she's fine, but even so.

 

I need to clean too, but not really in the mood. I might take an Adderol later (yes, I have an rx) and go to town on it... but, we'll see.

 

I'm pathetic. I add people I went to high school with on facebook just to see what they're up to. Most of the time, I message them, but sometimes I just lurk and delete them. The people in my year (class of '05) are pretty much all my friends, people that I could (and do) in fact call and ask to hang out. I feel truly lucky to have had such an amazing group. The other years just weren't as close as ours. I'm so glad my parents chose Harbor Springs to raise me in. The typical hollywood stereotypes never applied. There was no bullying, no cliques, no prom queen. Everyone just... liked each other. The nerds hung out with the jocks who hung out with the goths who hung out with the preps. It certainly made for fun parties.

 

I woke up in the middle of the night throwing up last night. Not entirely sure why that happened. I wonder if I need to eat with the pills I take to sleep. I should look into that because I felt like death. I feel 100% today though, so whatever it was got out quickly.

 

I'm sort of nervous about going home next week. Not because I don't get along with my parents when I have to spend an extended period of time there, but because I haven't been there since late June. I do miss my dog though. I'm not even sure why I'm so nervous. I guess I'm afraid that one of these times that I go home, it might not feel like "home" anymore. It's slowly been happening over the past 5 years, and after being away for so long... I just don't know. It'll be weird. My dad is running the Boston marathon in April so I'll be pet-sitting up there for them. Luckily, Will will have arrived by then and I'll have some company. That house creeps me out. There's no doubt in my mind the place is haunted by something. I've never spent a night alone there. Although, to be honest, I haven't felt that "presence" in a couple of years so I wonder if it moved on to wherever those things move on to. My parents' property is old Native American land so god knows what happened there. It also used to be a huge field party spot back in the 60s. I know this from the giant beech tree people burned their names and dates into. I think that's really cool, like a little piece of history that will be there for decades to come, or until lightning hits and the tree falls down... whichever comes first.

 

i got a text off Lacey today asking if I wanted to come over for wet burritos. Her mom's in town and makes amazing Mexican food. She used to live in Arizona and her next door neighbor was from Mexico and taught her so many amazing Mexican dishes. I haven't responded yet. I should go, but the hermit in me is slinking off into a dark corner coming up with excuses. We'll see.

 

Nothing else planned for the day. I'll go tanning and maybe get my nails done. They should have been filled last week. Oops. I am getting quite tan though, and that excites me.

 

I want a Gurney's sandwich followed by a Tom's Mom's cookie. Oh yeah, I'm definitely going home next week. I forgot about Tom's Mom's. They're the best.

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I have anger issues. I have issues letting things go. The things most people just brush off as nothing, I make a big deal of it and get way too pissed off. I've been doing better trying to control it. When I was younger, I would throw insane temper tantrums, throwing things, punching walls, the works... so minor improvement. Now, I just feel the burning rage in the pit of my stomach but I can control the physical stuff mostly. But, I blow things out of proportion, I don't know. I'm a very emotional person in general. I cry very easily, I laugh easily, I get depressed easily. Just part of my character I guess.

 

Lacey called and had to cancel dinner. Her mom has been throwing up all day and since I have the world's worst immune system, figured I should probably not go. She said she'd save leftovers for me for tomorrow. Tomorrow, we're going downtown to some clubs. It should be fun. She wants to go Saturday as well, but we'll see how awful the hangover is Saturday morning.

 

I have a headache. I'm all showered and everything, I should go tanning but I think I'll wait awhile until rush hour calms down. The place is open till 10, so no rush.

 

I'm hungry. Blah.

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Someone was in my UVA bed today, so I had to go in a UV bed... sigh. That's what I get for going during their busy time. Noted.

 

A small little rant... I effing HATE those blue headlights. Halogen? Is that what they're called? I'm not sure, but oh my god I freaking loathe them. They completely blind me and it seems as though every luxury car has them. When you're in the wealthy neighborhoods, well, you can pretty much kiss being able to see goodbye. Seriously, why did anyone think those things would be better? Okay, they're prettier that the "yellow" lights, but for eff's sake! BLINDING! Tonight on my way home, I had three cars following me in 3 lanes... 2 of which had those god damn lights. I had to crouch down just to get them out of eyesight.

 

I'm bored. Tomorrow night will be fun, but now, borrrred. I watched Dead Like Me, both seasons. Great show, which, like all great shows, ended too soon. Now I'm not sure what to do to occupy my time. The L Word will be arriving tomorrow via netflix DVD. 3 discs should get me through the weekend. Maybe. Netflix seems slower than they were the last time I used their service. Hmm.

 

I realized today that I miss Liverpool. It was a fun city to live in. I miss waking up every morning (afternoon) to hearing seagulls down by the docks. I miss my favorite bars there, I even miss the Scouse accent. I don't miss the rain though. Hopefully I'll be able to make it back to England this year, either towards the end of summer or over Christmas break. This hasn't been decided yet.

 

My head hurts. I'm such a girl, I've been thinking all afternoon how I should do my makeup for tomorrow night. Depending on how my bank account is looking, I may or may not go get my nails done. They need it, bad. Way too long and they need to be filled. I think they've grown too far to still have my french tips. I'm thinking I'll go for hot pink. I'm going to be wearing a black shirt tomorrow night, so the hot pink will be a splash of color.

 

Wow, my journal is boring as hell.

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I just talked to Jackie about plans for next week. We're going to sit on the beach and drink wine, even if it is winter. I knew there was a reason I love that girl.

 

I've been bummed out all day but after just messaging her quickly for a bit, I'm finding myself really happy and looking forward to the things that are coming up in my life. It's going to be cold as HELL out there on that beach, but there's something about it that really appeals to me. I haven't done anything like that in awhile. I hibernate during the winter.

 

Sturgeon in the wintertime

 

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I'm beginning to realize it really is the little things in life that make me happy, that add up into my happiness when it comes to the big picture.

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I don't know how we are so similar, but I can really relate to a lot of what you said in the first post. That stupid feeling of desperately wanting friends but ignoring people who try to call on me never seems to go away.

 

What the hell is with that? lol It is like I just want to be socially acceptable and not feel like a failure while doing nothing and staying in my own little world.

 

While you're in Detroit, I would love to meet Will and see you if possible

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It's the weekend! Yayyy. I've been looking forward to tonight all week, ever since Lacey said Beau was going out of town. I haven't had a TRUE girls' night since getting back to the states. Yeah, I've gone out with my cousin and Keri, but it wasn't a big, get all dressed up and go to a million different clubs type of nights.

 

I'm not sure what time I'm heading over there. I'll go tanning first though. That is a must. I'll probably go over there around 6 or 7, we'll eat some sushi, drink some beer and head downtown. Not entirely sure where we're going. Lots of options though. I do know that tomorrow I will probably be hating life and my liver.

 

It's another nice day today, cloudless, birds are chirping. When the birds start chirping, I know spring is just around the corner and that makes me very happy.

 

I really should get in the shower. I need to shave and such. Plus, my hair rats better if it's been dry for awhile. Ugh, but I'm cold.

 

Not much to say... just excited for tonight. I need to paint my toenails. Well, maybe not since my shoes are close-toed.

 

I always feel guilty leaving Cairo alone. She's so needy and codependent. Every other cat I've ever had has been super independent, couldn't care less if I was home or not... but not Cairo, she gets depressed when I leave. I love that little animal so much.

 

I'm in a fairly good mood today, a little tired but otherwise good. My migraine is gone finally. Hmm, actually, I'm quite tired. Oh well.

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I don't know how we are so similar, but I can really relate to a lot of what you said in the first post. That stupid feeling of desperately wanting friends but ignoring people who try to call on me never seems to go away.

 

What the hell is with that? lol It is like I just want to be socially acceptable and not feel like a failure while doing nothing and staying in my own little world.

 

While you're in Detroit, I would love to meet Will and see you if possible

 

 

Haha, funny you posted right as I was writing my entry

 

Yeah, it really doesn't make any sense!!! I shut people out so much but desperately want companionship of some sort. I'm twisted.

 

And yeah, for sure! I have no idea where DTW is though, so I'll have to figure that out in terms of meeting up with you! Sounds good though

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dear, i didn't realize you were so bummed about things. i've been consuming our little talking we've been doing lately (yes, to me, it's been little) with my problems. I'm sorry for that Email me anytime you need to, ok? Love you!

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Haha, funny you posted right as I was writing my entry

 

Yeah, it really doesn't make any sense!!! I shut people out so much but desperately want companionship of some sort. I'm twisted.

 

And yeah, for sure! I have no idea where DTW is though, so I'll have to figure that out in terms of meeting up with you! Sounds good though

 

If it is any inconvenience at all, don't worry. I'm still game to head out where you are sometime.

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dear, i didn't realize you were so bummed about things. i've been consuming our little talking we've been doing lately (yes, to me, it's been little) with my problems. I'm sorry for that Email me anytime you need to, ok? Love you!

 

No, don't be sorry! I've kept pretty quiet about it all for once. Just trying to get through the last bit of winter and the rest of March. I'll be alright. Really, I'm just lacking any form of motivation.

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No, don't be sorry! I've kept pretty quiet about it all for once. Just trying to get through the last bit of winter and the rest of March. I'll be alright. Really, I'm just lacking any form of motivation.

 

i understand. but i'm always here for you!

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It weirds me out seeing everyone from my graduating class getting married and/or having babies. These are people I've known my entire life, people I met before I even started preschool. It makes me feel old. One guy who I never expected to get married did recently and that really threw me off. It's incredible how much people change in just 5 years. Gotta grow up sometime, I guess.

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Got my nails done. Hot pink instead of my typical French manicure. Now I'm at my tanning place waiting for my good bed to open up. It's crazy. That bed costs $35 for a single visit luckily, I have a monthly unlimited package but seriously, $35? Christ.

 

Sigh. I'm bored. Not for long as I'm heading to Lacey's straight after. Hmm. I should pick up a 6pk first. Yes.

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Hey, I just had to put in my two cents about the whole education/path in life topic. I went straight through all the levels of school. Directly from high school through four years of undergrad and on to two years of grad school. So I have my masters. I've been working for almost three years.

 

And I have no clue what I want to do with my life.

 

So don't be so hard on yourself. It takes time and a lot of luck to find that thing that you're passionate about. Just because people get the degree and have the "big girl" job, that doesn't mean everything. It just helps you find a salary job. But I dread going to work everyday. So it's not the end all be all of life lol.

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Hey, I just had to put in my two cents about the whole education/path in life topic. I went straight through all the levels of school. Directly from high school through four years of undergrad and on to two years of grad school. So I have my masters. I've been working for almost three years.

 

And I have no clue what I want to do with my life.

 

So don't be so hard on yourself. It takes time and a lot of luck to find that thing that you're passionate about. Just because people get the degree and have the "big girl" job, that doesn't mean everything. It just helps you find a salary job. But I dread going to work everyday. So it's not the end all be all of life lol.

 

Thanks, that really does make me feel better. I can always hear the disappointment in my mom's voice when she tells me so-and-so has landed some fabulous job in NYC or something. Bleh. I guess, the way I look at it, I'd rather take my time and change my mine 938 times now than finish, realize I hate it, and then have to go back.

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Today is Sunday. I'm finally recovered from Friday night. It really was an awesome night. We didn't even make it downtown, we figured it'd be too expensive. It costs $7-12 to park, plus cover charge, plus a taxi back. We went to a local bar by Lacey's (also where I used to live) since they had super cheap beer. 24oz miller lite for $1.50 sounds about right to me. We stayed there until midnight, then hit Woody's, a sports bar near where we were at. More beer, dancing, fending off boys. Some tool with a Rolex kept trying to impress me. It was gold and diamond studded. I wasn't impressed and his feeling were hurt when I ignored his fancy watch haha. I told him I was from one of the wealthier towns in the midwest so a Rolex doesn't do anything for me. He got up and left and preyed on someone else. Whatever.

 

After the bar, we hit Denny's. Had a mega huge 2am breakfast, hung out with some guys there until around 5, got home at 5:30. Long night. I felt like death yesterday. I can't drink and party like I used to. Oh well, part of growing up I guess. Lacey is a trooper, she went out again last night. We had sushi for lunch yesterday, which was probably not the best idea for a hungover stomach. I came home and slept till 7:45, watched disc one of The L Word, then went back to sleep until 11:30 this morning.

 

Woke up this morning to lacey calling, wanting sushi again. My non-hungover stomach was happy. i absolutely love their spicy rolls. There was a guy wearing a kilt. He was huge, 6'8 easily, with lots of piercings. So random. I went tanning after that and now I'm back home, in bed.

 

Not much planned for today. I have 2 more disks of The L Word to watch. I love netflix.

 

I'm going up to Harbor on Wednesday probably. Need to get in contact with some people and see what their schedules look like. I also need to make a doctors appointment.

 

The weather has been so nice here. It's super sunny and the snow is all melting away. It feels like spring, but I won't get my hopes up too much because I know Michigan is just mocking me and will dump another pile of snow on me soon enough.

 

Exactly one month until Will arrives.

 

I'm tired.

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Thanks, that really does make me feel better. I can always hear the disappointment in my mom's voice when she tells me so-and-so has landed some fabulous job in NYC or something. Bleh. I guess, the way I look at it, I'd rather take my time and change my mine 938 times now than finish, realize I hate it, and then have to go back.

 

My mom does that too. She'll talk about how if I had stayed in the Philippines I would be done with school already, but she was the one that wanted me to come back to the US. One time a friend of mine was over at the house and she was telling my mom how she's starting nursing already (my friend was only 19 and I was 23 at the time), and my mom turns to me and goes, "See, she's going to finish before you."

 

I told her I didn't appreciate the comment, and she apologized and hasn't made a comment like that since then. I don't know why parents think it's helpful for them to say that to us.

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My mom does that too. She'll talk about how if I had stayed in the Philippines I would be done with school already, but she was the one that wanted me to come back to the US. One time a friend of mine was over at the house and she was telling my mom how she's starting nursing already (my friend was only 19 and I was 23 at the time), and my mom turns to me and goes, "See, she's going to finish before you."

 

I told her I didn't appreciate the comment, and she apologized and hasn't made a comment like that since then. I don't know why parents think it's helpful for them to say that to us.

 

It's so irritating. Not only does it annoy me, it hurts my feelings too. At least your mom stopped making those comments. My mom simply says, "well, I'll stop once you graduate"

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