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Wine and Sublime... a new journal by Jen


jengh

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Yea right. She'll find something else to gripe about after you graduate.

 

Ohhh, this I know. When I get a new car, she'll gripe about that.. if I buy a house, she'll complain it's not big enough or the location isn't idea... if I get another cat, she'll say I'm too irresponsible. I'm finally coming around to realizing nothing will please her 100%. The scariest part is I'm seeing a lot of her in my own personality. Eek. Therapy, ASAP.

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The worst thing I ever saw about myself was when I was in an argument with a boyfriend once and I said the same thing to him that I'd heard my mom say in an argument with a boyfriend she had when I was a kid. It all came flooding back to me. Ooooh bad.

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The worst thing I ever saw about myself was when I was in an argument with a boyfriend once and I said the same thing to him that I'd heard my mom say in an argument with a boyfriend she had when I was a kid. It all came flooding back to me. Ooooh bad.

 

Oooh, burn. That's the worst! I find myself sometimes having the same mindset as my mother or the same train of thought and just want to crawl into a hole and die.

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I'm tired of fighting with Will. So damn tired of it. It seems like all we do is fight. When we were living together, we were so great. We have a couple of altercations, but overall, it was a happy, healthy relationship.

 

Now, even though we've only been apart for, well, 2 months EXACTLY, I feel as though I can't handle it anymore. We fight all the time, he blames himself for everything... I think it's great that he accepts responsibility for the problems that do stem from his issues, but not everything is because of him. It takes two people to screw up a relationship and I've definitely played a part in it. I'm moody, judgmental, passive aggressive, short-tempered... the list goes on and on.

 

I don't even know what to do anymore. If he hadn't booked his ticket for April, I probably would be calling it quits and throwing in the towel right now. As it is, it's hard to think about trying to get through the next month without completely losing it.

 

People keep suggesting having an open relationship while we're apart but I don't know about that. I think both parties need to be exceptionally strong and secure in the relationship... but, at the same time I'm so lonely and having someone local would be very nice.

 

Mehgan brought up a good point earlier. The last three (including the current) relationships I've been in have been long distance. It's almost as though I seek out the emotionally/physically unavailable as a defense mechanism. Like, if they're not here, I can't get as attached and therefore, can't get as hurt when something goes awry. I've been burned to many times in the past by so many different guys. I know Will is different and he's not those guys but that's just the way I work.

 

For every day that goes by, I get more and more distant. I can feel myself pulling away. It's not what I want, it just... happens. I'm afraid I'm going to wake up one of these days and realize I don't want to be in this relationship anymore, that all the stress and tears and pain haven't been worth it. At the same time, I get flashbacks of the six months we spent living together and how amazing we were together as a couple. There are so many happy memories. Big things, from the trips we took, to smaller things, such as the way he looked at me, or a particular kiss we shared and that's what keeps me going, as cheesy as it may sound.

 

Another thing, I can't stand his mother. I would NEVER ask him to choose between me and his mom, so please don't get the wrong idea... but she's horrible. He's 27 years old and she won't let him go. I tried very hard to like her, put my best foot forward, did everything I possibly could to get her to like me. I'm a good person, a kind person, and I treat her son well and make him happy. Shouldn't that be what's important? No, she dislikes me because once, I gave her a funny look which she interpreted as some horrible sign of how much I hate her... Apparently, she saw said face in a reflection in a mirror. Okay... She also accused me of being over dramatic about my migraines. I suffer from a few a week, always have. She said that there's absolutely no way a person could get that many and that I'm just doing it for attention. Really? I can forward you my neurologist's notes if you don't believe me

 

...So, not only is it the little things, but bigger too. She said she would fly him to Michigan as his birthday and Christmas present.. probably in February, but if not then, first week of March. Okay, I can deal with it. He gave up his job, his apartment, and his life. He moved back in with his parents to get his affairs in order. She then refused to pay for the ticket. He eventually came up with the funds himself, but it's the concept. She made a promise to me on my last night in Liverpool. I'm not a trusting person, but he said to believe her as she's never broken her word in the past... so there's that.

 

Now that he booked his ticket "without their permission", his mother will hardly speak to him. He's 27 years old, he's been out of university and on his own for years now. Why in god's name would he have to ask mommy if it was okay to book a ticket? It infuriates me.

 

With that background given, I can embellish even more. I think I resent him just a little bit because of his mother. I know that's completely unfair of me, but I can't help it. I try very hard to separate the two, but sometimes a little part of me just snaps. It's been very difficult for me.

 

Does he make me happy? Yes. Do I love him? Yes. Do we have a possibility of a future together? Absolutely. We have a lot of issues to resolve, but as a real-life couple, we're really good for each other.

 

There's still this part inside of me that just wishes I would have met someone in my city. Convenience and all. I find myself wondering if I should just give up or keep fighting. Now that the ticket is booked, we'll see how it goes come April... we'll come up with a long term plan if we decide to continue this, but until then, I'm left feeling sad, angry and unfulfilled.

 

My anxiety is at an all-time high again. I've taken 8mg of klonopin today, 12mg yesterday. I had been doing well, medication-wise up until the past couple of days.

 

It will do me good to go up north this week. I miss my best friend, I miss my dog, I miss Harbor. I don't get homesick very often, but tonight is one of those nights where I wish I could just call Jackie and cuddle together on the couch watching trashy reality tv, drinking Oberon.

 

And, thus ends another week. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully a brighter day. On the plus side, the weather has been cooperating and a lot of the snow has melted. That brings my spirits up. I've also developed quite a nice tan.

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Hey Jen,

 

I'm really sorry. That sounds tough with Will. What exactly do you fight about? You two missing each other, or his mother, or something else? I wasn't sure from your post.

 

Can you identify what sets it off? That might help you find a temporary solution.

 

I'm not sure I'm wise enough to give any advice, but hang in there. He'll be there in a month! That's no time. You know how when your period comes again and you're like "didn't we just do that?" - THAT's how soon he'll be there. LOL, sorry for the weird analogy, but a month goes by so fast. I mean, the superbowl was a month ago, and doesn't it feel like that just happened? You can totally make it until then - you can do anything for a month - and then you'll be together and you can see if you can sort things out so that your next separation is easier.

 

Hugs!

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I'm sorry things are like that with Will. I know from experience that the fighting and the misunderstandings and drama with implode a long distance relationship faster than any other element.

 

Maybe it will be better for a while once he visits. Just keep chugging along, it seems like you're doing well overall.

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I couldn't get in to see my doctor until next Monday so now I'm not sure when I'll go up north. Car is gassed up and ready to go whenever I decide. Maybe Thursday. It depends on how bored I get.

 

It was so beautiful out today. 55, not a cloud in the sky! It was a perfect spring day. Usually in March, there's still a ton of snow, this was a nice change. I drove all the way to the tanning salon and back blaring Sublime, thinking it was summer. It was a good day. Uneventful, but good.

 

There hasn't been any fighting yet today *knock on wood* so, so far so good. One day at a time I guess. I don't know how else to handle it.

 

I got a credit evaluation today. My credit is "fair", but I need to contact Capitol One because I paid off a $1200 bill last year and it keeps showing up as saying I haven't paid $360 of it, when I paid it in full. Argh. It's brought my rating down quite a bit. I guess I'll deal with that tomorrow or when I'm up north so my dad can help me with it. This stuff is so confusing. I swear, they shouldn't let young people have credit cards. I know I did it to myself, but still. It was so tempting getting all these offers, then I lost my job and was unable to pay my cards. Ack. At least I learned my lesson and my rating is slowly going up again.

 

I need a job.

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Nothing noteworthy to write about tonight but I wanted to submit an entry so I don't get out of the habit.

 

God, I can't get over how lovely the weather has been. Today, I didn't even wear a jacket or sweatshirt out, drove with the windows down, cranked the music. Today, it was Beulah.

 

Tomorrow, I need to go to Sam's Club. They have these OTC sleeping pills I take in bottles of 400. I usually have to take 10 or so a night so it's good to have them in bulk.

 

I've been watching the L Word. I'm halfway through season 2 and it's held my interest. It's one of those shows I'll watch alone but would rather crawl into a hole and die if my mother were to watch with me.

 

Hmmm, I'm trying to figure out what I've done today. I ate a can of beans for lunch, went tanning, lounged around, had some chicken for dinner... watched L Word.. that's about it.

 

Boring day.

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what pills are they? i've been taking tylenol pm sleep aid (different from tylenol pm apparently?). I like them i guess but they take a bit to kick in sometimes.

 

These take AGES to kick in, usually around 2 hours. Umm, can't remember the name, took the last of them today. I'll let you know when I get more.

 

Yeah, Tylenol makes Tylenol PM, which has pain reliever in it, and Simply Sleep, which is just a sleep aid.

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I think we've a better chance of getting through this by being open. It's good to read how you're feeling in depth. We're in constant contact and that's good, but it means we don't get the opportunity go into detail like this. On Yahoo we're concerned with writing back to each other quickly so the other person knows we're still there and haven't gone AWOL. But this means we don't get time to think and write long responses, so we don't go into anything deep.

 

Oh, and I hope you enjoy reliving the wine and sublime moments up north

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I'm bored out of my mind. I'm up in harbor. Got here around 5 yesterday. The drive was boring and had to take one hell of a detour thanks to road work.

 

I was just about to say I couldn't get ahold of Jackie and she just rang through as I was typing this. Good timing. I guess I'm going over there tomorrow and then a party on Sunday so that will be good.

 

I couldn't get over how deserted harbor was tonight. I took a picture that I'll post when I get to a computer. I've never seen it so empty. Not a car on the road.

 

I've been getting along with my parents so far but I'm in a bad mood for some reason. Boredom maybe.

 

I put Cairo in a snowbank today because I'm evil. Cracked me up. Her tail got so bushy.

 

I'm typing from my phone and it's getting annoying so I'll end now.

 

Tomorrow I'm going to Bay Harbor (google it, seriously) for breakfast with my mom then doing some shopping. Then Jackie later.

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I saw Jackie yesterday. I feel refreshed, like someone hit the "reload" button on my life. I went to her house around 3pm yesterday. Seeing her was like finally feeling home. Almost immediately, we went to sturgeon. It was cold, but refreshing and much needed. We sat on that beach until it started to get dark, reliving past moments and talking about our future plans. The beach was beautiful and peaceful as always. We saw a bald eagle soaring above. Being at sturgeon is as close to true, raw nature as you can get. I took a bunch of photos that I'll upload when I get back to Grand Rapids. Being up there with my best friend made me realize how much I miss living up there and there were more than a few moments when I contemplated coming back for good. I love her house. It's so far north, away from everything. Away from the complicated city life.

 

We talked and laughed and drank late into the night. I feel like I am completely rejuvinated. We sat outside on her swinging bench, in the brisk cold of night and for the first time in a very long time I felt at peace with things. I felt like all is okay in the world. We discussed life and love, past, present, and future and a lot became clear to me. She helped me open up my eyes to a lit of things I had lost sight of. I came home this morning hungover, but at the same time, felt more alive than I have in months.

 

I went out to dinner with my parents to Jose's, a mexican restaurant in Petoskey. They have the most authentic Mexican food this side of the border. After, we hit the casino. I lost $40 on a Wizard of Oz slot machine. It was fun.

 

Tomorrow I'm cooking a small feast. I'm stuffing a chicken, doing potatoes, green bean casserole, the works. After, I'm going back out to Bliss for Rowan's birthday party.

 

Jackie's cat Mischka had kittens 5 days ago. There's an adorable black fluff ball I've agreed to adopt. I'm excited. She'll be ready when Will and I go up mid-April. I hope Cairo doesn't feel replaced.

 

That's all for now. I can't wait to get my pictures up from last night. Love.

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I saw Jackie yesterday. I feel refreshed, like someone hit the "reload" button on my life. I went to her house around 3pm yesterday. Seeing her was like finally feeling home. Almost immediately, we went to sturgeon. It was cold, but refreshing and much needed. We sat on that beach until it started to get dark, reliving past moments and talking about our future plans. The beach was beautiful and peaceful as always. We saw a bald eagle soaring above. Being at sturgeon is as close to true, raw nature as you can get. I took a bunch of photos that I'll upload when I get back to Grand Rapids. Being up there with my best friend made me realize how much I miss living up there and there were more than a few moments when I contemplated coming back for good. I love her house. It's so far north, away from everything. Away from the complicated city life.

 

We talked and laughed and drank late into the night. I feel like I am completely rejuvinated. We sat outside on her swinging bench, in the brisk cold of night and for the first time in a very long time I felt at peace with things. I felt like all is okay in the world. We discussed life and love, past, present, and future and a lot became clear to me. She helped me open up my eyes to a lit of things I had lost sight of. I came home this morning hungover, but at the same time, felt more alive than I have in months.

 

I went out to dinner with my parents to Jose's, a mexican restaurant in Petoskey. They have the most authentic Mexican food this side of the border. After, we hit the casino. I lost $40 on a Wizard of Oz slot machine. It was fun.

 

Tomorrow I'm cooking a small feast. I'm stuffing a chicken, doing potatoes, green bean casserole, the works. After, I'm going back out to Bliss for Rowan's birthday party.

 

Jackie's cat Mischka had kittens 5 days ago. There's an adorable black fluff ball I've agreed to adopt. I'm excited. She'll be ready when Will and I go up mid-April. I hope Cairo doesn't feel replaced.

 

That's all for now. I can't wait to get my pictures up from last night. Love.

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Jackie does seem to be very good for you. I look forward to meeting her and Cayce, and the kittens... one of which we'll be returning home with

 

I'm glad you were able to feel at peace and alive... I love you, I look forward to spending the summer with you enjoying that feeling together.

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Sunday afternoon. The chicken has been in the oven for 2hrs now. I made my homemade stuffing. It's super easy-celery, onion, sage, butter, egg, chicken broth. Turns out really nice. I've been basting it every half hour. Time to put the green beans in. Need to peel potatoes. I haven't been cooking since getting back so it's nice.

 

Right now I'm just watching Knocked Up. Love that movie. It cracks me up.

 

I have my dr appt tomorrow. I hope she can do something for my back. Flexerol really helps it so maybe she can prescribe that again. Migraines have been bad recently too. The imitrex isn't doing the trick anymore. Sigh

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I can't stand judd apatow movies. Which sucks b/c I love seth rogen so much. But they're sooooo long and drawn out. The man needs to learn to edit. Didn't like knocked up, 40 year old virgin, funny people....he's not winning my heart b/c his movies are too long with so many unnecessary scenes.

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