Batya33 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 It is selfish to let the guy do all the work and initiate every contact and make him chase you all the time. Thats what girls who play hard to get do... aswell as girls in general. Yes that is selfish but has nothing to do with what I wrote in my post other than I used the word "selfish" in an entirely different context, to make an entirely different point. I never wrote and don't believe that the guy should do all the work or do any chasing. It sounds like you picked out the one word "selfish" so you could use it to further your own agenda rather than respond to what I actually wrote in my post. I'm sorry you feel that way about "girls in general" - I can tell you, and others can tell you - and have told you - that you're wrong that it's a "general" practice but my guess is that it makes it easier for you to believe that this is true because then you have an excuse not to put in the effort to meet and get to know people and potentially date people. And that does take effort - I put in many years of effort - longer than you've been alive. And it was all worth it (and I rarely felt negative, jaded or cynical from doing the work - mostly it was a positive experience). My suggestion is to work on shifting away from your negative mindset and show yourself that you can get out of your negative comfort zone, reach out to people, socialize, mingle, get out there -- and with a more positive attitude I promise there will be many rewards. I should add that my experiences have to do with women not "girls" - I am not sure what teenagers and younger girls do when it comes to dating, if they date. Link to comment
Traveler27 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 Whenever I don't play hard to get, it comes back to bite me. I usually start off cool... and when I like someone I start to ease up and think "hey if they show all this interest, I should receprocate..." bad move... they always devalue me after I do. Ammy I agree with this 100%. I just learned this the hard way with the guy that I was seeing. As soon as I opened up and reciprocated his feelings, he withdrew big time. It's very confusing. Link to comment
veda999 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 I agree with this 100%. I just learned this the hard way with the guy that I was seeing. As soon as I opened up and reciprocated his feelings, he withdrew big time. It's very confusing. So now you have made it a rule that guys do this? Not every guy is going to withdraw. The right guy will not withdraw. Link to comment
DN Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 I agree with this 100%. I just learned this the hard way with the guy that I was seeing. As soon as I opened up and reciprocated his feelings, he withdrew big time. It's very confusing. One swallow doesn't make a summer and you are assuming that is the reason he distanced himself. It could have been any number of other reasons. Link to comment
FoxMulder Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 Whenever I don't play hard to get, it comes back to bite me. I usually start off cool... and when I like someone I start to ease up and think "hey if they show all this interest, I should receprocate..." bad move... they always devalue me after I do. Ammy Ok so because of a few bad experiences you will never receprocate any feelings, never take any initiatives and never show any intrest(even if you are intrested)? Then how do you ever expect to be in a normal relationship? Link to comment
catfeeder Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 One swallow doesn't make a summer [...] Whaaa? If you're swallowing, you're not exactly in danger of playing hard to get. Link to comment
veda999 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 Whaaa? If you're swallowing, you're not exactly in danger of playing hard to get. I think he means a bird . . . the appearance of one such bird (swallow) does not indicate that summer has arrived. Link to comment
FoxMulder Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 I agree with this 100%. I just learned this the hard way with the guy that I was seeing. As soon as I opened up and reciprocated his feelings, he withdrew big time. It's very confusing. He probably didn't really want you then. If you are never going to receprocate a guys feelings then you won't ever be in a normal relationship either. Link to comment
DN Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 Whaaa? If you're swallowing, you're not exactly in danger of playing hard to get. Proverb One sighting or instance of an event does not necessarily indicate a trend. Link to comment
Panther_Dude Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 I dislike women that play games. It's interesting to watch in the movies or on a show, but in real life, please. Link to comment
LBP Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 With my trusty laptop at my side, hard to get women have been marginalized. Kidding. I'd say that I've been trained by experience that pursuing too much is a losers game. I'll pursue a little, but if I get turned down once, there are other girls and other options for having a good time just around the corner. I *know* this. Chance might throw out another get together, but it'd take one hot mama to inspire another exertion on my part. Hard to conceive of doing it more than twice... Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 As a stock trader I would say it all boils down to offer/demand. Act like you're a scarce commodity and everybody wants you. Act like you are way too easy to get and no one likes you. Diamonds are liked because they are rare. Suppose you would find diamonds everywhere you walk they would be cheap and despised. (Interestingly diamonds ARE in fact very common in the Earth's crust but De Beers keeps an artificial scarcity in place to keep prices high, but I digress) Actually, people who play hard to get are not rare at all. Game players are very common. It is the genuine people who are rare..and those are the ones who people snub. In the dating world, people actually seem to like to date those who follow the crowd, not those who are rare finds. Link to comment
MakestheBest Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 After page 4 i skipped to the end to post so I hope I'm not talking over anyone: The origin of "games" is this: Neither a man or a woman is supposed to date someone who is unworthy of their attention. Men are naturally hardwired to chase, and women are biologically hardwired to make 'decisions'. Thats why relationships where the women do the chasing rarely work. A woman who gives in to a man before he has proven he is worth her time won't be taken seriously. E.G. says " i love you" waay before she knows him, wants to take care of him and please him and barely knows him, has sex too early and she barely knows him. They cheapen themselves. A woman who knows that she is valuable won't do any of these things because she is waiting to see if her partner is as valuable as she is. Hard to get shouldn't be a "game", but when it is- it is for either one of two things.1) A woman who values herself is interested in the man and is actively testing him to see if he is worth her attention. or 2) a more insecure woman is trying to gain the same level of respect that a more confident woman naturally gets and is afraid of being hurt. I don't think either one of these women are demons at all. And option number 1 can be quite fun for both parties. Games get annoying when: 1) The person who has been deemed the "chaser" is very anxious to get things to progress ( but this person needs to know that he should be testing that woman as well). 2) the person who is chasing doesn't know how to and finds the whole process frustrating. OP if you have to do ALL of the work with no reciprocation that is not a game. The woman is not interested. She may not be stringing you along at all, she is just trying to be polite and hoping you get the hint. But I dont think you should personalize it or let "games" frustrate you. They are just ways of people testing each other and themselves. They can be really fun if you let go and dont take them seriously. And they are supposed to begin AND END with the initial dating. Not taken into the relationship itself. Link to comment
Nixee Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 I actually quite agree with this post... states the difference between natural chase/pursue and game playing very well. There is most definitely a difference, as I've been in both scenarios. Gameplaying is not so fun.. The situation I personally find myself in now feels much more natural, much more comfortable, and interest is building and reciprocating. One of the key differences I notice is the manners and respect - we have contact when we say we will, we apologize if we offend each other... we are just taking it slow. .... When it is just a game, and there is no genuine interest or care... respect often leaves through the window. That is when people end up sitting around wondering why the other is treating them so bad. Link to comment
veda999 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 OP if you have to do ALL of the work with no reciprocation that is not a game. The woman is not interested. the issue with OP and with several posters is that she may in fact be interested but is playing a game and a person who does that is disingenuous, and damages whatever chance a real relationship has to develop. Link to comment
FoxMulder Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 Well the thing that frustrates me about these games is that as a man you have to do all the work, initiate every contact, chase her and prove your worth to her and so on. By doing that I'd just feel clingy and thats why I hate the game. Why can't women receprocate a guys feelings if she is intrested in him? If she likes a man why can't she just show it instead of playing games? Link to comment
MakestheBest Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 OP if you have to do ALL of the work with no reciprocation that is not a game. The woman is not interested. the issue with OP and with several posters is that she may in fact be interested but is playing a game and a person who does that is disingenuous, and damages whatever chance a real relationship has to develop. I would have to reiterate, if he has to do ALL of the work she is probably not interested. If she is making him do ALL of the work and she's interested, she is probably just ridiculous. When you first meet someone you are NOT supposed to take them seriously. You are supposed to be watching them and seeing how they conduct themselves and by doing that seeing if they are a fit. That is what 'dating' is. People show them selves, by playing games, or not playing games, by being rude or being polite. All of those things are what you use to judge if you want to continue further. Is she making you sweat and run laps? Do you like that? If you dont-push off. You aren't supposed to psycho-analyze some new person. When it is just a game, and there is no genuine interest or care... respect often leaves through the window. Absolutely...anyone who is disrespectful to a stranger isn't all that great of a beer buddy...unless you like being disrespected-push off. And on a final note, if I met someone who I knew for a fact was interested, but kept playing stupid games. Not only would it annoy me, but I would genuinely lose interest. In caveman terms...This idiot is trying to "hunt and fish" but doesn't seem to know which way to hold his fishing pole. I'd move on to find a more sensible specimen. Link to comment
jonny15 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 I don't see the point in this chasing crap. It's games, and games are for immature children. Link to comment
MakestheBest Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 Well the thing that frustrates me about these games is that as a man you have to do all the work, initiate every contact, chase her and prove your worth to her and so on. By doing that I'd just feel clingy and thats why I hate the game. Why can't women receprocate a guys feelings if she is intrested in him? If she likes a man why can't she just show it instead of playing games? If she doesnt reciprocate she is either not interested or very immature ( this doesnt make her a bad person, but it could be annoying as hell). If you dont' like how it feels, I really wouldnt worry what her reasoning is and move on. You're young-plenty of fish and all that jazz Link to comment
FoxMulder Posted February 28, 2010 Author Share Posted February 28, 2010 If she doesnt reciprocate she is either not interested or very immature. If you dont' like how it feels, I really wouldnt worry what her reasoning is and move on. You're young-plenty of fish and all that jazz Well most women are like that, they never take any initiatives, never want to say that they are intrested(even if they are), lets the man do all the work, plays hard to get and so on. As a man it is very frustrating. Link to comment
jonny15 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 he said that he chased his wife for over a year before she even let him kiss her. That is insane. Why in God's name would someone spend that much time going after someone that won't even give them a kiss? That's kinda of arrogant for a girl to have a guy go after them for that long. Link to comment
MakestheBest Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 Well most women are like that, they never take any initiatives, never want to say that they are intrested(even if they are), lets the man do all the work, plays hard to get and so on. As a man it is very frustrating. Well no, you're quite correct, women don't usually show interest by initiation. But she'll let you know that she likes you once you intitiate by the way she behaves. If you dont want the pressure of cold initiation, wait until the interest shows itself in conversation. Also women are just as nervous as guys are...she may be genuinely afraid that if she doesnt look busy, you are going to not see her as a catch, or not really find her fascinating. How would you rate your ability to read a womans signals? Link to comment
veda999 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 Men are naturally hardwired to chase, and women are biologically hardwired to make 'decisions'. I cannot argue for or against this, because I have no empirical evidence either way, but you make it sound like a scientific fact. What are your sources, other than dating books? Link to comment
veda999 Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 And they are supposed to begin AND END with the initial dating. Not taken into the relationship itself. Sounds like the "relationship" such as it is would be built on games, so how could it end with the initial dating? Are you saying the initial dating does not drive the relationship? Flawed logic here. Link to comment
MakestheBest Posted February 28, 2010 Share Posted February 28, 2010 Men are naturally hardwired to chase, and women are biologically hardwired to make 'decisions'. I cannot argue for or against this, because I have no empirical evidence either way, but you make it sound like a scientific fact. What are your sources, other than dating books? "dating books"? Life, Common Sense, Psych Class, Sociological finding, general knowledge, This article on 20/20 that compared boys to girls class room activities. The millions of time anyone has ever said men are more aggressive, The millions of random articles that have been out there that talk about higher levels of testoterone and its effects, what has worked in mine and my friends dating lives, talking to men, talking to mom, talking to dad, movies, radio, listening to the guys at the barbershop when my hair was super short, talking to my ex bfriends and their friends...oh yeah...and ure random dating book I'm sorry, I kind of feel like your asking me " why is the sky blue?". How do you not know this? Link to comment
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