Women who play hard to get.

[FoxMulder]

Is there any guy here that actually likes it when women play hard to get? And you have to chase the woman and initiate everything and always be the one to make contact? I know I don't, I'd feel clingy. And I would hate that and leave the woman alone and forget about her imidietly if that was the case.

 

Why do you women like to be chased? Why do you have to play games? If you like the guy why can't you just show it?

[Speranza]

I sympathise. I think games are dreadful - but there are certainly conventions around dating.

 

I don't think it ought to matter a hoot who asks whom but as you ask for the reason, well women are insecure just like men, but have been taught all their lives that men AREN'T.

 

So they wait.

 

And there is this unspoken 'wisdom' around that if you (the woman) went after HIM, well - men are so unable to resisit an offer which may lead to sex, that you'll never know if he would have asked you cos he liked you, or if he just saw you as available.

 

Stinks, doesn't it?!

[Ammy]

Whenever I don't play hard to get, it comes back to bite me. I usually start off cool... and when I like someone I start to ease up and think "hey if they show all this interest, I should receprocate..." bad move... they always devalue me after I do.

 

Ammy

[Tanzi]

Its not games ... well not intentional games anyway ... and "playing hard to get" is not gender-biased. Sometimes we can't help but hold ourselves back for fear of coming on too strong and pushing someone away. We do it for the right reasons, not the wrong reasons.

 

However, in society it seems far more acceptable for men to be the ones to do the initial asking out and contacting and following up. I'm sure there are ladies out there that would love it to be differently but fear of coming accross as being way to easy or eager puts us off as we think it puts the guys off ... so we wait for the men to make the move.

 

Lets not forget that we are in a society where men and women are looked upon differently when it comes to sexual activity, be it the early or the latter stages.

 

That said, once the initial contact has been made and dates have been set etc I see no harm in the woman making as much effort as the guy. If she isn't, then perhaps she isn't that interested.

[quirky]

I absolutely hate these games. I wasn't even aware of them as I was almost constantly in relationships. I hate how I have to hold back so much otherwise the guy will not take me seriously. It feels contrived and it represses me. But whenever I'm nice and responsive they just take the piss.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Most women who play hard to get are the ones who don't initiate calls for fear of looking too eager...but often those women who won't initiate calls are the same women who will drop their pants for the guy very quickly. Sex and playing hard to get are often two separate matters. They are easy when it comes to sex, but hard to get when it comes to initiating contact.

[Batya33]

I used to play hard to get at times when I was a teenager and probably in my early 20s if I can remember. It "worked" back then - certainly had my share of male attention and dates, etc. I stopped not because it didn't work because it was silly and I realized I "was" hard to get - meaning, I had an active social life, was focused on school/building a dream career, had plenty of activities, so that I wasn't waiting by the phone for a man to call and I didn't need to accept last minute dates for the weekend (99% of the time I already had my weekend planned by Wednesday anyway. And I knew that the majority of men - and probably all the men who would be compatible with me for the long term - felt most comfortable doing more or all of the asking out on dates in the beginning of the dating relationship.

 

This was true for my peers too. So, I let them, and I was nicely assertive about my boundaries - if they asked me out after Wednesday night for the weekend I was busy - even if it was busy doing something on my own - because I was more important than some guy who couldn't be bothered to make plans in advance with a woman he had just or recently met. I missed out on the guys who wanted casual sex or a fling, but never on the ones who wanted a serious long term relationship with me, as far as I can tell.

 

I did regret the times that I called/asked too much in the beginning - as much as he did I mean. I know I missed out on a few guys at least who would have been good matches for me but were put off by my asking them out and getting in touch when they had said they would get in touch with me.

 

I had several experiences over my 25 years of dating/relationships where I wasn't playing hard to get - I wasn't interested in the guy and so I didn't return his calls asking me for a first date or a second date (if we'd been out 3 or 4 times or we knew each other from the past, etc I called to decline) or respond to his calls after I told him I wasn't interested in going on a date. Often those guys continued to pursue . I remember one guy from a few years ago - he flaked on me a few times for a second or third date. When he called again for another chance - a few months later - I told him I was now serious with someone else. He responded immediately and asked if he could take me out for a belated bithday dinner in the very near future. One example of many.

[OntheWire]

I stopped not because it didn't work because it was silly and I realized I "was" hard to get - meaning, I had an active social life, was focused on school/building a dream career, had plenty of activities, so that I wasn't waiting by the phone for a man to call and I didn't need to accept last minute dates for the weekend (99% of the time I already had my weekend planned by Wednesday anyway.

 

I think this is really what it's about. If you've got real goals in your life and you're keeping yourself busy and occupied, then you won't have to "play."

 

The hard-to-get attitude is attractive because it suggests the person has real motivation and focus in their life. I'd be really turned off if I found out a girl was only "playing" the role of someone busy.

[pinkelephant]

I must the only one. I enjoy it, the flirting, the cat and mouse thing, the uncertainty.I think people just take it too seriously and that just totally sucks the joy out of it. If you would just stop taking things SO personally, you'd have fun.

[fragmint]

I must the only one. I enjoy it, the flirting, the cat and mouse thing, the uncertainty.I think people just take it too seriously and that just totally sucks the joy out of it. If you would just stop taking things SO personally, you'd have fun.

 

thank you. i dont think the cat and mouse thing wouldve even lasted this long if it didnt work and if some people didnt actually LIKE it. its fun being flirty and coy sometimes. dont read too much into it like someone is trying to personally piss you off. and a part of it i think is just men getting lazier. cant win the game so they complain about it.

[Momake]

I must the only one. I enjoy it, the flirting, the cat and mouse thing, the uncertainty.I think people just take it too seriously and that just totally sucks the joy out of it. If you would just stop taking things SO personally, you'd have fun.

 

I too enjoy the chase. I wouldn't call it games exactly. It is the girl figuring out what she wants - and the guy showing it (or vice versa). Girls that don't require the chase are still fun - but I do agree that the ones that require more of a chase... are generally more elusive and attractive because of it.

[shuttlefish]

Don't PLAY hard to get (in fact, don't PLAY anything). BE hard to get, by having interests, hobbies/school, careers, friends, family etc etc.

But if you like a guy, make yourself available for him. We like some kind of encouragement, some signals, soem reciprocation.

 

OP: I know what you are talking about, sometimes we feel manipulated and sometimes we wonder if it is worth the effort. Once those thoughts cross our minds then it's often down hill from there.

[FoxMulder]

thank you. i dont think the cat and mouse thing wouldve even lasted this long if it didnt work and if some people didnt actually LIKE it. its fun being flirty and coy sometimes. dont read too much into it like someone is trying to personally piss you off. and a part of it i think is just men getting lazier. cant win the game so they complain about it.

 

No but if a girl plays hard to get and wants me to chase her I'd just eventually assume she is not really intrested.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I must the only one. I enjoy it, the flirting, the cat and mouse thing, the uncertainty.I think people just take it too seriously and that just totally sucks the joy out of it. If you would just stop taking things SO personally, you'd have fun.

 

Before one person truly has an interest, it is easier to "enjoy" the "hard to get" game because chances are that game is being played with others at the same time. However, once one person actually develops a solid interest, that person ends up getting really hurt when the other one is still playing games. In other words, the "hard to get" games are played by people who don't really have that much of an interest..so it becomes "fun" to bait the other person. It is an ego thing more than anything else.

 

As for being too busy with other things...that can be off-putting over time as well if making time to see the person simply gets squeezed in to the agenda.

[pinkelephant]

No but if a girl plays hard to get and wants me to chase her I'd just eventually assume she is not really intrested.

 

has it been working out for you?

[pinkelephant]

Before one person truly has an interest, it is easier to "enjoy" the "hard to get" game because chances are that game is being played with others at the same time. However, once one person actually develops a solid interest, that person ends up getting really hurt when the other one is still playing games. In other words, the "hard to get" games are played by people who don't really have that much of an interest..so it becomes "fun" to bait the other person. It is an ego thing more than anything else.

 

As for being too busy with other things...that can be off-putting over time as well if making time to see the person simply gets squeezed in to the agenda.

 

not really. to me, it's just light hearted non-commital fun. unless someone IS my boyfriend, i don't assume commitment. i've had it with a guy who wasn't interested in a relationship with me. i was with him, liked him for years -- still do, but i knew it was just for fun and enjoyed the fun. no big deal.

 

i wasn't "used". neither was he.

 

... maybe it's about being aware of your situation and knowing what it is, and then take it for what it is. sometimes, people blame others for their lack of ability to perceive a situation and take it for what it is. i know with the guy i mentioned, it was just for fun from the get-go (but wasn't sure 100%, which is what made it fun for me). if i had been deluded into thinking it was more than that, perhaps i would've been hurt. in that case, i think one should take responsibility for that too.

[Momake]

No but if a girl plays hard to get and wants me to chase her I'd just eventually assume she is not really intrested.

 

There is a difference between "hard to get" and "i'm not interested"

 

Hard to get = I could be interested... but I don't know - show me why or why not.

 

I'm not interested = I'm not interested

[pinkelephant]

There is a difference between "hard to get" and "i'm not interested"

 

Hard to get = I could be interested... but I don't know - show me why or why not.

 

I'm not interested = I'm not interested

 

and both the guy and the girl can do that too. the constantly changing dynamic adds to the fun.

[DN]

It`s no wonder so many people don`t connect in their relationships or their relationships fail when they play games like this. And one reason so many people don`t like it, other than wondering what is going on, is that when they do figure it out the person playing the hard to get game seems so shallow and juvenile.

[pinkelephant]

It`s no wonder so many people don`t connect in their relationships or their relationships fail when they play games like this. And one reason so many people don`t like it, other than wondering what is going on, is that when they do figure it out the person playing the hard to get game seems so shallow and juvenile.

 

Maybe. I've had people who when stopped playing games, realize their partner was actually too boring for their liking. The game could definitely be used as a veil or sorts, but it doesn't have to be that way.

[FoxMulder]

There is a difference between "hard to get" and "i'm not interested"

 

Hard to get = I could be interested... but I don't know - show me why or why not.

 

I'm not interested = I'm not interested

 

The thing is, girls who wants to seem hard to get and wants to play games don't show any intrest. They expect the guy to chase them and basically beg for them. Atleast that's how I see it. If a girl is really intrested she wouldn't do that.

[veda999]

It`s no wonder so many people don`t connect in their relationships or their relationships fail when they play games like this. And one reason so many people don`t like it, other than wondering what is going on, is that when they do figure it out the person playing the hard to get game seems so shallow and juvenile.

Well said DN. Sums it up. And how are we to distinguish between lack of interest and playing hard to get? I have seen posts here from guys who find elusive women attractive. Good luck with that.

These games are juvenille and quite frankly, men with good self-images don't need to play them or expect them from healthy women. Thanks, DN.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Well said DN. Sums it up. And how are we to distinguish between lack of interest and playing hard to get? I have seen posts here from guys who find elusive women attractive. Good luck with that.

These games are juvenille and quite frankly, men with good self-images don't need to play them or expect them from healthy women. Thanks, DN.

 

I ditto this post and DN's post. There is no need for "hard to get" games, or any games for that matter, when two people are emotionally healthy and secure within themselves.

[Siriana]

By playing hard to get do you mean not showing behaviour so obvious that it completely eliminates every possibility of you being rejected?

Or you are talking about girls who are acting with lack of respect towards the guy who shows interest?

 

If it's the first, don't hold your breath it will ever happen. Risk is inevitable.

If it's the second, no, not all women act like that and if you encounter such girls all the time try to pursue a different type by finding out why do you meet just that type.

[catfeeder]

There is a difference between "hard to get" and "i'm not interested"

 

Hard to get = I could be interested... but I don't know - show me why or why not.

 

I'm not interested = I'm not interested

 

Bingo! Whether you're a guy or a girl, it's not a game to avoid prioritizing someone in your life while you're still figuring out how you feel about them.

 

I can appreciate that old fashioned dating sounds, well... old fashioned, but grandma had a point. If your life can easily become a vacuum focused on sucking someone else in, then that's a game that anyone with a brain can see through soon enough. If you legitimately fill your life with goals and passions of your own, then your life really isn't easily disrupted to fit someone else in. A new date will need to earn their place in your heart--just as you'll also need to do for them.