Women who play hard to get.

[veda999]

Bingo! Whether you're a guy or a girl, it's not a game to avoid prioritizing someone in your life while you're still figuring out how you feel about them.

 

I can appreciate that old fashioned dating sounds, well... old fashioned, but grandma had a point. If your life can easily become a vacuum focused on sucking someone else in, then that's a game that anyone with a brain can see through soon enough. If you legitimately fill your life with goals and passions of your own, then your life really isn't easily disrupted to fit someone else in. A new date will need to earn their place in your heart--just as you'll also need to do for them.

Yes, this is healthy, and it is not a game. Of course you need time to decide the suitability of the person, but sometimes you know the person would be a good fit, and making room for him/her should come naturally. If you have to squeeze someone in. perhaps they are not right for you anyway.

[DN]

I think there is a major difference between not rushing into a relationship and playing hard to get. Usually, at least to me, 'hard to get' is someone who deliberately holds back in an attempt to be mysterious and alluring because 'guys like to chase' or because it makes them feel powerful in some way.

 

Not rushing into a relationship is sensible - hard to get is just games playing and pretending to be someone you are not.

[veda999]

By playing hard to get do you mean not showing behaviour so obvious that it completely eliminates every possibility of you being rejected?

Or you are talking about girls who are acting with lack of respect towards the guy who shows interest?

 

If it's the first, don't hold your breath it will ever happen. Risk is inevitable.

If it's the second, no, not all women act like that and if you encounter such girls all the time try to pursue a different type by finding out why do you meet just that type.

This post is above my head, please explain further!

[Nixee]

When it is just a game...I think it can be cruel. However it isn't always that simple.

 

For one... a lot of men really are hard-wired to chase. Too easy to get and they lose interest. I've experienced this first hand. I've wished it weren't the case.

 

For another... I personally don't think I "play" hard to get most of the time... I think I usually just AM... hard to get. And yes, sometimes it is disinterest... sometimes it is that the guy really has to work hard to get me interested. I'm simply an independent person, and I don't rely heavily on the company of a guy to entertain me... so generally one has to work kinda hard to get my attention.

 

The guy I'm seeing right now is experiencing this first hand. Thankfully though... he seems to love it and he is chasing me like crazy. I'm really not playing a game with him though.. just being myself, and I've been honest with him from the start.

[Ms Darcy]

No but if a girl plays hard to get and wants me to chase her I'd just eventually assume she is not really intrested.

 

How do you know she's playing and she's not busy?

[DN]

Good luck with that - and I am not being sarcastic. But don't be surprised if the relationship doesn't work. It very often doesn't for three reasons:

 

One - when the guy does eventually get to know the real you he finds an incompatibility that would usually have become more apparent with a less aloof girl much earlier.

 

Two - chasing can get suddenly really tiresome - especially if someone less aloof and more approachable comes on the scene.

 

Three - men who like the thrill of the chase will find life boring once they have achieved the object of the chase. As soon as a relationship turns serious and the woman makes any sort of commitment - off they go for a new thrill. Because now the relationship is boring.

[annie24]

one of my coworkers thinks that women should play hard to get. he said that he chased his wife for over a year before she even let him kiss her. he said that they were just friends, he wanted more. he told me all his friends thought he was crazy but he persisted and now they have been married happily for over 15 years. i asked if he would have wanted her if she were easier to get, he said no. he would have lost interest.

 

that all said, this is one man. and i told him, his wife wasn't *playing* hard to get, she was genuinely hard to get!!! she was very focused on school and was unsure about dating a younger man (him).

 

so, that's one example. but i get the feeling that most men would have done as my coworkers friends advised him - that is, move on when the woman isn't reciprocating interest. i don't know though. i'm still single, lol.

 

i tried doing "The Rules" for 6 months when i was younger. the "playing hard to get" thing didn't lead to any long term relationships for me. maybe because i was dealing with 22 year olds who weren't looking for a long term relationship in the first place??

[DN]

Yeah - look what happened to the relationships of the authors of The Rules once they had 'captured' their guy by playing games.

[veda999]

Good luck with that - and I am not being sarcastic. But don't be surprised if the relationship doesn't work. It very often doesn't for three reasons:

 

One - when the guy does eventually get to know the real you he finds an incompatibility that would usually have become more apparent with a less aloof girl much earlier.

 

Two - chasing can get suddenly really tiresome - especially if someone less aloof and more approachable comes on the scene.

 

Three - men who like the thrill of the chase will find life boring once they have achieved the object of the chase. As soon as a relationship turns serious and the woman makes any sort of commitment - off they go for a new thrill. Because now the relationship is boring.

again, well said!! I would lose interest in a man who only wanted me because of my perceived aloofness. then what happens when he gets to know me! game over . . .

[catfeeder]

How do you know she's playing and she's not busy?

 

That's a great question; here's my crack at it: Someone who isn't interested isn't playing--they're not interested. They're not going to be available. Period.

 

Someone who's legitimately busy but interested won't just turn down a date without offering other options or fast followup to shoot for something else. They'll make a point of keeping any dates they make, and if something crucial really does ever cause them to cancel, they'll offer alternatives and will likely treat or make some other kind gesture to make up for it.

 

Someone who's playing games will cause frustration without the kindness and encouragement to compensate. If you've offered someone benefit of the doubt while they offer no gestures toward reciprocating your efforts, why play?

[DN]

That's a great question; here's my crack at it: Someone who isn't interested isn't playing--they're not interested. They're not going to be available. Period.

 

Someone who's legitimately busy but interested won't just turn down a date without offering other options or fast followup to shoot for something else. They'll make a point of keeping any dates they make, and if something crucial really does ever cause them to cancel, they'll offer alternatives and will likely treat or make some other kind gesture to make up for it.

 

Someone who's playing games will cause frustration without the kindness and encouragement to compensate. If you've offered someone benefit of the doubt while they offer no gestures toward reciprocating your efforts, why play?

Good post - that about sums it up.

[Nixee]

Good luck with that - and I am not being sarcastic. But don't be surprised if the relationship doesn't work. It very often doesn't for three reasons:

 

One - when the guy does eventually get to know the real you he finds an incompatibility that would usually have become more apparent with a less aloof girl much earlier.

 

Two - chasing can get suddenly really tiresome - especially if someone less aloof and more approachable comes on the scene.

 

Three - men who like the thrill of the chase will find life boring once they have achieved the object of the chase. As soon as a relationship turns serious and the woman makes any sort of commitment - off they go for a new thrill. Because now the relationship is boring.

 

See....this is the thing though... as I said, I've been honest with him all along - genuinely honest. I'm not being aloof, or "playing" hard to get. I've just been up front. I've told him - "I need to go slow" and "my feelings take time to develop"... and he responds with "I'll prove to you that I'm worth it!" and stuff like that... trying to woo me. None of this is a game to me. I even made a thread on here about it - I'm genuinely slow moving.

 

I have, however, expressed worry to him that if he does "get me"... and I give in to him and he wins me over... that he'll be bored. He responds by saying that he isn't looking to chase forever, and that he is definitely looking for a partner, and would hope the nature of the relationship would change.

 

Generally... I would agree with what you've said... but the thing is... I don't know how not to be who I am, and move at my own pace. And I don't know how some men (or women) can go against their nature. I don't think chasing is all bad. His chasing/pursuing IS helping me I think... it is helping to make me feel wanted...and helping to make me feel more secure and enthusiastic about things...which I need. I guess the question of how committed he will be remains to be answered...along with how committed I will be.

 

one of my coworkers thinks that women should play hard to get. he said that he chased his wife for over a year before she even let him kiss her. he said that they were just friends, he wanted more. he told me all his friends thought he was crazy but he persisted and now they have been married happily for over 15 years. i asked if he would have wanted her if she were easier to get, he said no. he would have lost interest.

 

that all said, this is one man. and i told him, his wife wasn't *playing* hard to get, she was genuinely hard to get!!! she was very focused on school and was unsure about dating a younger man (him).

 

See.... I think that is another example of being genuinely hard to get... but maybe a good example of a guy chasing...not just for the thrill...but because he really knew what he wanted. They do exist, crazy as it looks to outsiders.

[catfeeder]

Yeah - look what happened to the relationships of the authors of The Rules once they had 'captured' their guy by playing games.

 

Oh? I'm guessing it wasn't 'happily ever after' for them, then?

 

That's pretty funny. I always thought it was convoluted to do pretzels in order to get someone else to do pretzels...

[DN]

Oh? I'm guessing it wasn't 'happily ever after' for them, then?

 

That's pretty funny. I always thought it was convoluted to do pretzels in order to get someone else to do pretzels...

Divorced.

 

What a surprise - not!!

 

People who put on a front usually find it difficult to maintain - or when partners finally get to look behind it they find there is nothing much there.

[DN]

Well, I really do wish you luck and it may well work out for you. But I have to say I think it will be difficult for him to maintain this pressure on him and eventually he will feel that the relationship is out of balance with him doing all the work - he may start to feel somewhat humiliated.

[lady00]

I hate it when guys play hard to get (in my experience, it means they are really not that interested, but they just want to have a bit of fun on their way to an actual relationship with someone they actually do like), so I don't do it because I just think of it as treating people the way that I would want to be treated. If this means that I will lose out on men who lose interest due to my not playing hard to get then, quite frankly, good riddance.

[DN]

I hate it when guys play hard to get (in my experience, it means they are really not that interested, but they just want to have a bit of fun on their way to an actual relationship with someone they actually do like), so I don't do it because I just think of it as treating people the way that I would want to be treated. If this means that I will lose out on men who lose interest due to my not playing hard to get then, quite frankly, good riddance.

Exactly - who needs the nonsense.

 

Genuine people attract genuine people.

[L.Lou]

thank you. i dont think the cat and mouse thing wouldve even lasted this long if it didnt work and if some people didnt actually LIKE it. its fun being flirty and coy sometimes. dont read too much into it like someone is trying to personally piss you off. and a part of it i think is just men getting lazier. cant win the game so they complain about it.

 

..BS relationships lasted this long too..coincidence?

 

People not being completely open and honest, messes things up. Lets say if she's found a good catch. Now the good catch (being who he is) is giving HER the time of day, and his undivided attention, seeing how they match and they're both "interested" in one another. Now he's not a jealous guy, but find out she's a MAJOR FLIRT. And "flirts" graphically with other guys...but yet see's potential in this guy, the "good" one.

 

He can easily peace out due to those actions, and she'll be what?? A bitter chick, who will call him "insecure" and "jealous" cause he said "f*ck it" and gave up. What would the guy usually do though??

 

You want a quick fix..think with your lower extremities and do the super flirt cat/mouse game..oh you'll get something (not saying it's like that ALL the time either, just the majority). Want a good long lasting relationship (which I personally are a fan of) be HONEST and be straight forward..of course not so "blunt" or reveal ALL off bat..take time. But show INTEREST in that time.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Divorced.

 

What a surprise - not!!

 

People who put on a front usually find it difficult to maintain - or when partners finally get to look behind it they find there is nothing much there.

 

That's exactly it....people who act unavailable and mysterious in order to get someone interested are usually duds in the relationship department...they don't know how to have a healthy, equal relationship...they don't know how to function in the real world, with real life relationships that have ups, downs and just normal day-to-day things..they thrive on the drama..it is the drama they are addicted to and has nothing to do with genuine interest in the person.

[FoxMulder]

That's exactly it....people who act unavailable and mysterious in order to get someone interested are usually duds in the relationship department...they don't know how to have a healthy, equal relationship...they don't know how to function in the real world, with real life relationships that have ups, downs and just normal day-to-day things..they thrive on the drama..it is the drama they are addicted to and has nothing to do with genuine interest in the person.

 

Yep thats how I see it.

 

Girls who want to seem hard to get and play games are not relationship material and never will be.

[Batya33]

For those women who, like me, get insecure when they're really interested in someone or smitten, it serves them (and me) well to remind themselves to slow down a bit - not to give in to every temptation to call, to overshare about their feelings too fast, too early, to start talking, even generally, about their friends' wedding plans, baby showers, ad nauseum about how cute their nieces and nephews are, etc etc.

 

So it's not about playing a game but about not being selfish (meaning, not subjecting the person to your oversharing because that's what you are feeling at the moment - instead, think about whether it might be overwhelming to him)-- about choosing to have some restraint when your heart/lust is telling you go go go - oohh his last name sounds so good next to mine, ohhh should I tell him now about my friend's wedding in 6 months, I want him to come with me, should I call him because I just heard the song again that was playing The Night We Met.

 

I am exxagerating a bit but I've had those feelings, those temptations - and chosen not to be aloof or unresponsive, but also not to wear my heart on my sleeve right away, not to tell friends "I had an amazing two dates with a new guy and ohhh he might be the one" or even "I had a great date" because your well-meaning friends might egg you on too much or give Mr. Right knowing looks when they meet him, etc.

 

Honest - yes, of course. Open? Yes but with the caveat that you should use your head as well as follow the racing heart and get to know the person at a reasonable pace over time, keep doing your activities, living your life, getting your work done -- if this guy is going to be around for the rest of your life what's the rush and why the need to see him every day and have sex on the third date "because it felt right at the time".

 

Why not protect yourself a bit, and let him get to know you at a reasonable pace, unwrap the interesting layers that are you, rather than baring your skin and soul because you're feeling so vulnerable. That's not being yourself either - that's your crazy/smitten self, not the more balanced self that you are when things settle down a bit and you settle in more to a healthy relationship.

 

Many people I know get scared off by that level of intensity even though at first it's so much fun, so exciting to feel infatuated/love at first sight. Not such a bad thing to miss each other from Monday-Friday in the beginning, to talk on the phone 2-3 times during that time instead of constant texting.

 

And I am all for being up front with Mr. Wonderful and saying "wow this is great - I'm having so much fun with you - I can't wait to see you this weekend, but as far as seeing you three other times this week, I would love to but why don't we take our time getting to know each other and get our other stuff done during the week so we can have fun this weekend". I'm also fine with "I'd love to see you Monday, Tuesday and Thursday but I made plans -does Friday work?"

 

Yes, even if you didn't make plans - make plans with yourself so that you don't risk the crash and burn and so you can see whether Mr. Wonderful is the thrill of the chase type or is interested in the long term (in which case he'll be totally fine waiting 4 or 5 days to see you since he will know you are genuinely interested).

[veda999]

if somebody told me he wanted to wait until the weekend to see me because he wanted to put the breaks on the excitement I would think (a) he was overanalyzing and I would lose interest or (b) he was not that interested and was pacing me to back me off.

[FoxMulder]

It is selfish to let the guy do all the work and initiate every contact and make him chase you all the time. Thats what girls who play hard to get do... aswell as girls in general.

[DatingIsSoHard]

As a stock trader I would say it all boils down to offer/demand.

Act like you're a scarce commodity and everybody wants you. Act like you are way too easy to get and no one likes you. Diamonds are liked because they are rare. Suppose you would find diamonds everywhere you walk they would be cheap and despised.

(Interestingly diamonds ARE in fact very common in the Earth's crust but De Beers keeps an artificial scarcity in place to keep prices high, but I digress)

[veda999]

As a stock trader I would say it all boils down to offer/demand.

Act like you're a scarce commodity and everybody wants you. Act like you are way too easy to get and no one likes you. Diamonds are liked because they are rare. Suppose you would find diamonds everywhere you walk they would be cheap and despised.

(Interestingly diamonds ARE in fact very common in the Earth's crust but De Beers keeps an artificial scarcity in place to keep prices high, but I digress)

lepers are a scarce commodity but we don't seek them out