How can you wait until after marriage for sex?

[FarthestEdge]

I think we shouldn't make the assumption that someone enjoying sex before marriage, automatically starts to exclude or ignore the other qualities of thier partner.

 

I didn't say that- the OP referred to it as the 'most important decision in your life". I just think that if sexual compatibility is on the TOP of the list, your long term priorities need some re-examination....

[Scorpion Fury]

Whether or not your partner is great in the sack is NOT the most important decision in your life. I agree it's important, but if you're going to marry someone just because they are a good lay, you're in for misery.

 

A lot of women are a tremendously great lay- until they get that ring......If you get too focused on the sex, you become a really good target for the bait & switch...Then you are more (or less screwed than the guy who waited until marriage.....

 

Choose your partner VERY carefully. Sex, like beauty, fades with time- you'd better be sure that you like what's left.

 

True, and no sex isn't the only important aspect of a relationship and you can't have a marriage based on it. But I wouldn't say, "Oh well that the sex sucks, I'll amrry them anyway since it might suck eventually anyway."

[Scorpion Fury]

*Marry (ten)

[midnightrambler]

it's true that there's no guarantee that the sex you had before marriage is going to be any better or even the same after marriage - but wouldn't you want to know?! To at least have some idea of what you're getting?

 

"Here are two pretty boxes. You get to keep one, and you will keep it for life. You cannot open the box to see what's inside before you have chosen one, and you have to keep what's in the box after you open it."

I wouldn't take this offer with anything, why is this the way it is for the most important decision of one's life?

 

who wants what is inside a box that has had other people's hand in it?

[hexaemeron]

who wants what is inside a box that has had other people's hand in it?

 

Millions of people on this planet, apparently.

[Seymore]

I don't believe in no sex before marriage, but here are my two cents in regards to my understanding those who do in fact wait...

 

The bond you form through communication, experience and other things together is more important than sex. Sex cannot hold a relationship together, but that special bond can. Look at older couples who more than likely don't really have it nearly as much anymore, but STILL, they enjoy each others' company.

 

THAT is the bond that should be formed before marriage, unquestionably. Yes, you can marry someone you haven't slept with, and the sex can suck, but if you have the other relationship tools, you can work together and communicate to MAKE it good.

 

Think of a friend you may have had for most of your life, if you have one like that. More than likely, you haven't had sex with them, but you've formed a special bond that's lasted throughout the years. The bond formed between a married couple is on a similar but different level, sex or no sex, and I believe THAT is what is truly important in a marriage. But again, if one of those partners is unsatisfied, that partner can rely on the bond they've formed with the other partner, and in turn rely on the two of them working together to improve that.

[Timbone]

By most important decision of your life, I meant not who you have sex with or if you do have sex with them, but the decision on who to spend the rest of your life with.

 

And I have had fantastic sex with one of my partners that I still look back fondly on, but I knew that I couldn't marry that person or spend the rest of my life with her. So that's certainly not the major factor I speak of when choosing a lifelong mate, as I've not done that myself.

 

But to leave that important aspect of your life up to chance?! I cannot fathom it.

[hexaemeron]

By most important decision of your life, I meant not who you have sex with or if you do have sex with them, but the decision on who to spend the rest of your life with.

 

And I have had fantastic sex with one of my partners that I still look back fondly on, but I knew that I couldn't marry that person or spend the rest of my life with her. So that's certainly not the major factor I speak of when choosing a lifelong mate, as I've not done that myself.

 

But to leave that important aspect of your life up to chance?! I cannot fathom it.

 

Well, in the end, we always leave it up to chance, because nothing is a sure thing ever. However, going into a situation armed with as much knowledge as you can certainly cannot hurt.

[FarthestEdge]

By most important decision of your life, I meant not who you have sex with or if you do have sex with them, but the decision on who to spend the rest of your life with.

 

And I have had fantastic sex with one of my partners that I still look back fondly on, but I knew that I couldn't marry that person or spend the rest of my life with her. So that's certainly not the major factor I speak of when choosing a lifelong mate, as I've not done that myself.

 

But to leave that important aspect of your life up to chance?! I cannot fathom it.

 

Then I apologize for misinterpreting...

[FarthestEdge]

Well, in the end, we always leave it up to chance, because nothing is a sure thing ever. However, going into a situation armed with as much knowledge as you can certainly cannot hurt.

 

Hex, I agree.. However, I would say "as much knowledge as you believe you need to make an informed decision". For some, they don't feel they need to HAVE sex before marriage to believe they will be able to discover fulfilling sex after marriage...

 

And who are we to argue their choices, right?

[hexaemeron]

Hex, I agree.. However, I would say "as much knowledge as you believe you need to make an informed decision". For some, they don't feel they need to HAVE sex before marriage to believe they will be able to discover fulfilling sex after marriage...

 

And who are we to argue their choices, right?

 

I wouldn't presume to argue, no. But if everyone just accepted each other's opinions and choices with no dialogue, there would be no chance to ever change someone's mind, or have someone change yours. No progress there.

[wildchild1]

I didn't say that- the OP referred to it as the 'most important decision in your life". I just think that if sexual compatibility is on the TOP of the list, your long term priorities need some re-examination....

 

His implications if I read them correct are that, marriage is the most important decision in his life. As far as marriage goes, everyone has slightly different criteria. Sex is one of the biggest criteria for the OP.

[FarthestEdge]

I wouldn't presume to argue, no. But if everyone just accepted each other's opinions and choices with no dialogue, there would be no chance to ever change someone's mind, or have someone change yours. No progress there.

 

Very True.

[Timbone]

Well, yeah, that's pretty close to it, Wild.

 

Could you really go into a forever-after relationship knowing that one of the most fun and enjoyable aspects of said relationship could possibly be missing forever? How can someone do that to their one turn-around on the planet? There's no trial run, this is the first and last performance you're getting on stage.

[90_hour_sleep]

like this post. well said seymore.

 

can't say i would've always agreed with you...but i find myself agreeing right at the moment. when you mention the bond, i tend to think of that one ultimate tool that allows you to work through whatever you encounter together. it's not specific to any one facet of the relationship. it's all-encompassing.

 

i'm a little curious now what it means to be 'lousy' in bed. i mean...if you're no good...are you doomed to be no good forever? i don't really understand that myself. i mean, if there's a fundamental lack of attraction...perhaps it has nothing to do with sex at all. but if the only thing that's making the experience lousy is a lack of experience...or a difference in perspective...isn't that something that can be overcome? i've always enjoyed that aspect of sex. sometimes it's just about getting off...but a lot of the time it's much more about exploring. that's the fun part. learning what that other person enjoys. what presses her buttons. taking in everything...absorbing...learning. it's really something that you experience together. sometimes you just know what the other person wants and needs...but most of the time it doesn't really work that way. it's just like any other aspect of the relationship. good sex (in a long-term relationship) requires a bit of communication more often than not. maybe that sounds romanticized.

 

if you've truly taken the time to get to know someone...if you communicate well...you'll find a happy medium in regards to sex. if your sex life is lousy (from the perspective of one or both partners)...chances are there are some problems that run much deeper in your relationship.

[coldplay.]

My view on it is such.

 

Its social conditioning, and an attempt to trick yourself into loving someone. Heres how, classic example, girl virgin has sex with guy, girl virgin then falls in love with that guy in a way she has never felt.

 

So if virgin girl waited till marriage, and was "tied down" before sex, then she will feel that her husband is something special because of that reason.

[FortunateOne]

What I find very humorous in this thread is the trivial debate about marriage in the common law sense. Why? Marriage has been around since the early Mesopotanium scripts. That's about about 7,300 years before the modern government tax license and religious dogma. In order to understand premarital sex you have to have a foundation on what marriage really means in human culture. The best example I can find is the Hebrew Book of Ruth. In this religious story marriage was defined to be the "official" romantic declaration to family and friends in order to let the town folk know that Boaz and Ruth were an item. This "official" coming out, no offense to Hex, was the social contract between both parties with the public to be morally faithful. Thus meant that there was to be no covetting, no sexual immorality and no emotional transgression on said couple.

 

Now translate this inyo modern society's parallel. The "official" romantic decleration is when a couple tells all family, friends and coworkers of their dedication to their significant other. This is the social contract that morality and social dynamics makes every couple accept when they make their bf/gf status official; therefore, we have all been socially married with every serious romantic relationship we have had. That means I've been socially married five times and my current official gitlfriend became my sixth social marriage.

 

Next comes society's legal marriage. This institution varies from state to state, country to country and culture to culture. In some states there are common law marriages and others not. This legal license paper does not have the authority for when a person wants to have sex. That why there's no sex license, eventhough there should be for the idiots that keep having wellfare children, but that's another topic for another day.

 

To me when s person tells me they want to wait until marriage for sex that means that they want some official social agreement that they will be honestly building a romantic future with them. This is where a smart person will discern if the other person sincerely means it or not. This is why it's a great personal rule to wait 4 to 8 months before a couple has sex in order to weed out those that are simply players and all they want is a booty call.

[DropToZero]

Well for me as a Christian, sex outside of marriage is sin... and despite what people call "hate," me trying to help others understand the implications of what they're doing is love... not hate. "If I believed a bus was about to hit you, and it was bearing down on you--if you're not listening to me, there's going to be a certain point where I tackle you... and this is more important"(speaking about heaven/hell)--Penn of Penn&Teller

 

Waiting until marriage to have sex with my fiance puts me closer to God, and also will make sex much more important during marriage. We both adhere to our Bible and one another when it comes to marriage... we understand that sex is quite important and will be in our future marriage. Sadly, we did have sex before coming to Christ... so we know we're compatibile that way--so you may discredit my response... but either way, these are things you must speak about with your partner BEFORE marriage--in FULL.

 

You must learn that there are no expectations in marriage(meaning the only person you're going to be able to change in marriage, is yourself)--because as soon as you do that, you're putting your partner in a debt/debtor relationship... and then also be ready to accept days that your thought expectations will not be met. Instead be grateful, because expectations lead to people/actions being taken for granted. Can you prepare for everything... no way, but can you keep focus on one another and not let yourselves be separated... yes. 3 years later, I only treat my fiance better and better each day... I strive to be sure she is not taken for granted in any way.

[Timbone]

You kinda proved my point there, Drop - even as a more religious person, you either gave in to the passion between the two of you or you thought it best to know if you were compatible that way before you took the final plunge.

 

Besides that, though, I get what you are saying in a sense. I know there's a religious implication to why you wouldn't (the good book saying so and all that), but beyond religion and taking religion out of the equation here - what's the good reason to wait until you're married (or socially committed)?

[hexaemeron]

I'm sorry, but I don't agree with the bolded part at all. No expectations? I expect my partner to work to the best of his ability to help us support ourselves. I expect him to exercise and eat well and be healthy so we can share a happy, active life together. I expect him not to lie to me, or steal from me, or beat me, or rape me, or any of the other expectations we place on our partner so we can make plans and see them through.

[Blue Spiral]

Millions* of people on this planet, apparently.

 

*billions.

 

People's personal choices are their personal choices, but I do feel there's more danger in waiting to get married, despite how much the exact opposite is claimed. I was raised in an extremely religious setting, and in my experience, people with severe sexual hangups can use that kind of setting to trick someone into marrying them. I know of gay guys that were pretending to be straight, women that couldn't stand the thought of sex (or even being touched)...out in the freewheeling secular world, they would've been exposed pretty quickly. But by meeting someone at church, they were able to put off that revelation.

 

Ultimately, it isn't about sex, but knowledge. Going into any life-altering decision without all the facts isn't wise, let alone safe.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Meh, each to their own. I don't understand it myself, but if that is someone's choice, that's fine.

 

I never really understand the outrage voiced by people who are not ithemselves even in this situation. Do what's right for YOU, not worry about other people's choices about whether they're inserting body parts into someone else or not.

[Seymore]

This is why it's a great personal rule to wait 4 to 8 months before a couple has sex in order to weed out those that are simply players and all they want is a booty call.

 

Good post. Not just that, but that 4-8 months can help a person determine if they're blinded by the sex or if they're in it for the reason a person SHOULD be in a relationship for. Very often people confuse love with lust, and some can find it hard to get out of a relationship where the sex is great, but the relationship stinks, and yet they say "but I love her/him!". With the blinders off, they can rest assured they're most likely with this person because they are, in fact, in love.

[Sheba]

As I've got older, I've strangely become more conservative in my views. I once had a relationship with a guy who said he'd slept with three women - and that was "two too many". I thought he was nuts. I thought that life had robbed him of some decent "playing the field" time.

 

However, in my last relationship there was a real slow build up before it was consumated (for various reasons, I wasn't purposely playing hard to get, but I did resist being anything but friends with him for two years). By the time we were intimate, I was totally, utterly and hopelessly in love with him.

 

The sex was mindblowing. The best I'd ever had, yet he'd had only one previous encounter and was not experienced.

 

Looking back, I realised that he had no special techniques, but the emotional connection was so strong that it made our physical relationship so wonderful.

 

Prior to him, I'd think nothing of dating someone and sleeping with them within a month. Sex was pleasureable alright, but I could take it or leave it.

 

The comparison has totally changed my opinion. I think people who save themselves for marriage, with a slow, fairly long, non-sexual, emotional, build up to it can perhaps experience the most satisfying sex ever, regardless of prior experience.

 

As soppy as it sounds, I can now identify with the ex who had had "two too many".

[Night Pumpkin]

The ideal of marriage is to love someone unconditionally for life. Obviously there are lots of things you don't know about someone until you marry them. You walk in rather blind - I think that all of us are quite shocked when you get to know the "real" person after marriage. There will be sexual surprises. There will be also sorts of surprises. The idea is that you love that person, even though there are such surprises.

 

I am very worried though if you think that sexual compatibility is the most important thing in a relationship. The more important thing is that the couple has a similar mindset and similar values. You need to agree on some core ideas. That is what is going to make or break a marriage.