How can you wait until after marriage for sex?

[hexaemeron]

That's wonderful. You're very lucky he

 

a.) could get it up.

b.) wasn't gay.

c.) was interested in sex

d.) was sexually compatible with you

e.) didn't choke under all the pressure.

 

Well-done.

[Sheba]

That's wonderful. You're very lucky he

 

a.) could get it up.

b.) wasn't gay.

c.) was interested in sex

d.) was sexually compatible with you

e.) didn't choke under all the pressure.

 

Well-done.

 

Lol! He confessed afterwards that he was nervous and had consulted some manuals! The fact that he was so eager to please me made me love him more, lol!

[pinkelephant]

Well, you can know if your partner has weird sex hang-ups without sleeping with them. You guys can..... talk and get to know each other in many other ways???

 

I hate how romance is so intertwined with sex these days, so much that most people don't even know how to differentiate them anymore.

[hexaemeron]

Well, you can know if your partner has weird sex hang-ups without sleeping with them. You guys can..... talk and get to know each other in many other ways???

 

I hate how romance is so intertwined with sex these days, so much that most people don't even know how to differentiate them anymore.

 

I see. So when women read ROMANCE novels with the ripped, shirtless men on the cover holding a dainty, dewy morning rose of a damsel in a dip, they're reading volumes about nothing but cuddling, talking about feelings and taking baths together with rose petals, honey and milk?

 

C'mon. That ship sailed decades ago even in the media, and sailed a long time before that in real life.

[sweet_kisses]

I don't know but when looking for a marriage partner you are told to make sure that this person has:

 

- compatible values as you do (i.e. honesty)

- compatible goals/desires in life (i.e. travel the world together)

- compatible family plans (i.e. want kids or don't want kids)

- compatible lifestyles (i.e. smoker v. non smoker)

- compatible financial goals (i.e. spender v. saver)

 

.. and all of this is wise and mature.

 

But adding sexual compatibility to the list is somehow morally wrong and implies that you are a slave to your carnal nature.

 

A little bit odd to me.

 

And as for the, sex changes after marriage argument so it doesn't matter before, well people's values and goals change after marriage as well (just take a look at the divorce forum) but it would be really foolish to discount those before choosing a life partner because they might or might not change.

[pinkelephant]

I see. So when women read ROMANCE novels with the ripped, shirtless men on the cover holding a dainy, dewy morning rose of a damsel in a dip, they're reading volumes about nothing but cuddling, talking about feelings and taking baths together with rose petals, honey and milk?

 

C'mon. That ship sailed decades ago even in the media, and sailed a long time before that in real life.

 

Romance, used in that way, is nothing more than a euphemism. I'm not sure what your point is...? Are you saying it's how it is?

 

I'm still saying, when you step out of north america, you realize that sex and love are two very separate things. i'm confused. lol

[hexaemeron]

Romance, used in that way, is nothing more an a euphemism. I'm not sure what your point is... just saying, in our current media, that's how love is portrayed. you step out of north america, you realize that sex and love are two very separate things.

 

I've traveled to Europe and I assure you, it didn't feel all that different as the handsome Dutch men were hitting on me left and right.

[RougeKali823]

Exactly. I am waiting because it is my intention to marry for love and not simply sex. Btw sex biologically speaking is meant for procreation and the pleasure derived from it is merely an incentive. I studied this in Ethics and found that the majority of people who were against waiting until marriage were simply on a mission to attack religion and or challenge what the definition of family is. However, in my experience my relationships have outlasted all of my friends' who are sexually active and they have all voiced their regrets for having shared their bodies with men who never intended to be with them long term. When I go through breakups while I may be hurt I am not left in mental anguish by the fact that I shared my body with someone unworthy. After all, the consequence of all this test driving has been an increase in STDs and the emergence of new and more drug resistant ones. I guess our 14 and 15 years olds who are now infected with STDs at alarming rates have found the pervasive message of "try before you buy" as taught by adults to be quite beneficial. The irony is that the challenging of so many norms is going to undermine the very thing that these people desire. Perhaps that is their goal but so far the effects have been largely negative. I mean what's the point of marrying someone who you've already wedded yourself to sexually. What's under attack is marriage. By undermining abstaining until marriage you indirectly subvert the institution of marriage. However, the the fact is that whether you are devoutly religious or not waiting just makes common sense with all the STDs going around. At some point self respect ought to mean more than pleasure. My choice was made largely due to this belief and only later was religion involved in it. I personally am not concerned about those who are sexually active prior to marriage. What I am concerned about though are others challenging me for my decision in an attempt to advance some social agenda. -Interesting how the very people who work to subvert the norm serve as prime examples of what can happen if it does ultimately disappear.

[pinkelephant]

I've traveled to Europe and I assure you, it didn't feel all that different as the handsome Dutch men were hitting on me left and right.

 

LOLLL i'm sure i'd feel that way if handsome* dutch men were hitting on me left and right too.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

That's wonderful. You're very lucky he

 

a.) could get it up.

b.) wasn't gay.

c.) was interested in sex

d.) was sexually compatible with you

e.) didn't choke under all the pressure.

 

Well-done.

 

Hmmm...many married women have complained that their husbands were a, b, c, d and e before marriage and then after marriage they couldn't get it up, or they turned out to be gay, or they weren't interested in sex or they were no longer sexually compatible and they kept choking under pressure.

[Sheba]

I so wish I had the moral compass that you have when I was younger.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Yes, but there are those people who choose to marry someone without every single compatible value...there are those people who don't care about certain values that other people care about. I am not even sure why this whole thing about sex before marriage is even being debated! It is an individual choice, case closed. I don't understand how some people can marry someone they don't love, but many people do..but I am not going to sit here and have a debate about it...it is their choice.

[pinkelephant]

I wish I had read this when I was 18, when I decided to forgo the "no sex before marriage" and gave it up to my now loser ex.

[Blue Spiral]

Well, you can know if your partner has weird sex hang-ups without sleeping with them. You guys can..... talk and get to know each other in many other ways???

 

(scene: boyfriend and girlfriend sitting on the couch, talking)

 

Girlfriend: "I really want us to be able to communicate, okay? And I think we have a future together, so, if there's anything you think I should know, I think we should get it out in the open right now."

 

Boyfriend: "Well, actually..."

 

GF: "Yes??"

 

BF: "I'm totally gay."

 

GF: "...wow, really??"

 

BF: "Oh, yeah. It's just--I want a big-time career, y'know? I didn't rack up thirty thousand in college debts so I can sit in a cubicle for the rest of my life. I'm thinking owning my own company, running for office, something like that. But to do that, I can't ever let anyone find out about Fernando."

 

GF: "Fernando!?"

 

BF: "...and John over in accounting. And sometimes that UPS guy. Anyway, I need to look trustworthy, heterosexual, all that stuff. So I was going to keep lying to you and use you to make myself look better. And you're a virgin--or almost--so maybe you won't be able to tell that sex with women bores me out of my mind."

 

GF: "Wow! Wow, thank god you told me. I'm lucky that people just volunteer compromising information about themselves, instead of keeping it secret for all of their lives and bending over backwards to make sure nobody ever finds out..."

[StrawberryYogurt]

Let's see. Having sex before marriage is common in the United States yet the divorce rate is so high here. Obviously, having sex before marriage isn't a panacea. Duh.

[StrawberryYogurt]

I'm still saying, when you step out of north america, you realize that sex and love are two very separate things. i'm confused. lol

 

Excellent remarks. Exactly.

 

I come from an Asian culture where it is not at all uncommon to wait 'til marriage and I know many of my siblings and cousins waited and their marriages are miles better than the marriages I know of "American" people who slept around

 

Last, in my culture, divorces are much rarer and marriages happier than for American people. So there you go.

[Scorpion Fury]

hahahahahahahaha

[pinkelephant]

Excellent remarks. Exactly.

 

I come from an Asian culture where it is not at all uncommon to wait 'til marriage and I know many of my siblings and cousins waited and their marriages are miles better than the marriages I know of "American" people who slept around

 

Last, in my culture, divorces are much rarer and marriages happier than for American people. So there you go.

 

And, we obvious screw more... look at our population! haha jk.

[pinkelephant]

LOL I had no idea sex could solve so many mysteries!!

It's like having your own sherlock holmes weapon. Ya. right.

[hexaemeron]

Exactly. I am waiting because it is my intention to marry for love and not simply sex.

 

As someone who has made a firm choice that speaks to who you are a person, I commend you.

 

Btw sex biologically speaking is meant for procreation and the pleasure derived from it is merely an incentive.

 

Biologically speaking, your function is only to pop out progeny. I don't think it's wise to rely strictly on biological imperative. Surely you are a fan of equal rights, self-determination, career, education, etc.

 

I studied this in Ethics and found that the majority of people who were against waiting until marriage were simply on a mission to attack religion and or challenge what the definition of family is.

 

What is the definition of family? And why shouldn't people have dialogue about religion and its merits (or demerits?) -- Blind acceptance of anything tends to reduce our ability to reason and empathize.

 

However, in my experience my relationships have outlasted all of my friends' who are sexually active and they have all voiced their regrets for having shared their bodies with men who never intended to be with them long term.

 

Ah, so we come back to "I am testing you to make sure you are SERIOUS." Maybe things just didn't work out between them. I'm sure sex had little to do with it. Fundamental incompatibilities such as social, spiritual, political and financial ideologies tend to play huge roles in the decay of a relationship as well.

 

When I go through breakups while I may be hurt I am not left in mental anguish by the fact that I shared my body with someone unworthy.

 

Unworthy. That's a bit judgmental, don't you think? Just because you and your previous partners didn't work out for whatever reason, saying they were "UNWORTHY" of your sexual capitulation would seem to, uh, I don't know, foster a false sense of entitlement. I mean, I lost my virginity at 11 years old and I'm a gay aspie. So your mileage may vary.

 

After all, the consequence of all this test driving has been an increase in STDs and the emergence of new and more drug resistant ones. I guess our 14 and 15 years olds who are now infected with STDs at alarming rates have found the pervasive message of "try before you buy" as taught by adults to be quite beneficial.

 

That's a complex issue, and on some level, partially, I agree with you. The media hypersexualizes to kids and teens, and then says SEX IS BAD DON'T DO IT. And then on top of that you have these ridiculous abstinance campaigns versus teaching children to have sex safely. Teaching them that it's dirty and wrong. It's no wonder children are getting sick. Besides, children have been having sex as teenagers since time began. Good luck getting that genie back in the bottle.

 

The irony is that the challenging of so many norms is going to undermine the very thing that these people desire. Perhaps that is their goal but so far the effects have been largely negative. I mean what's the point of marrying someone who you've already wedded yourself to them sexually.

 

Seriously? I don't know, sharing a life together. Having children? Being a family? How exactly does pre-marital sex completely undermine marriage?

 

What's under attack is marriage. By undermining abstaining until marriage you indirectly subvert the institution of marriage.

 

So did women's sufferage. So did women's rights. Are you complaining about those too, because in my estimation, those two struggles have given you a lot. People getting married for the wrong reasons undermines marriage. People getting married too young or too quickly undermines marriage. People not being honest or realistic with themselves or their partners undermines marriage. Not pre-marital sex. And just because it's near and dear to me, not gay marriage either.

 

However, the the fact is that whether you are devoutly religious or not waiting just makes common sense with all the STDs going around.

 

I could get hit by a bus when I walk outside my door. Doesn't mean I'm going to be a shut in. I could be in a plane crash when I travel to Europe. I'm still getting on the plane. Stopping yourself from living won't stop you from dying or getting sick.

 

At some point self respect ought to mean more than pleasure.

 

Why do they have to be incompatible ideas? I respect myself every day. I'm a competent, intelligent, successful, healthy, vibrant person and I believe that in moderation and with discretion, I am capable of having fun when I wish. Repression does not work. Dealing with things maturely and honestly IN THE OPEN works.

 

My choice was made largely due to this belief and only later was religion involved in it.

 

And that's fine, for yourself. Others must follow their own compass.

 

I personally am not concerned about those who are sexually active prior to marriage.

 

See above. You certainly seem to be making one heck of a case there.

 

What I am concerned about though are others challenging me for my decision in an attempt to advance some social agenda.

 

I said this in another thread, but dialogue is necessary for progress. For empathy and compromise. Only those who are insecure with their beliefs feel the need to project them onto others as "right" or "morally responsible". There is nothing wrong with a dialogue because any of us could come to find...GASP... we were WRONG!

 

Interesting how the very people who work to subvert the norm serve as prime examples of what can happen if it does ultimately disappear.

 

I'm a homosexual and I believe in gay marriage. Am I subverting the norm? No, I believe in equality and respect of personal choice. Your way is not the only one, except for you.

[Sheba]

So a man that refrains from intercourse until he is married is gay, right?

 

Ok. Yeah. Whatever.

 

I'm not judging behaviour that I myself have partaken of (sexual promiscuity and sex before marriage) but I do think that having that strong emotional bond, which is built on that period of abstinence leading up to marriage, can really make for a fulfiling, intmate relationship - IMHO and from my experience (although we never actually got married, we were together for nearly 13 years).

 

Prior to this, the quicker I slept with someone, the quicker the so called relationship petered out.

 

As old-fashioned and quaint (as I realise I'm now sounding) I think love is worth the wait.

[RougeKali823]

I don't know, are you? Please reread my original post and tell me where I stated that my way was the only way. The implication may only exist in your mind

[I_Speak_Jive]

I studied this in Ethics and found that the majority of people who were against waiting until marriage were simply on a mission to attack religion and or challenge what the definition of family is.

 

I don't know what's more shocking -that someone could make up a factoid so blatantly and put it in a book, or that such book would be used to teach anything at any level of education.

 

I am hoping you are aware of the scientific impossibility to compile such a statistic, as well as the ridiculousness of passing it up as fact and use it to back up an opinion on a matter that is completely subjective.

 

The majority of people who make a choice not to wait for sex until marriage are doing it for a million different reasons, with one overarching common thread: they are not taking abstinence as a given.

[RougeKali823]

I don't know what's more shocking -that someone could make up a factoid so blatantly and put it in a book, or that such book would be used to teach anything at any level of education.

 

I am hoping you are aware of the scientific impossibility to compile such a statistic, as well as the ridiculousness of passing it up as fact and use it to back up an opinion on a matter that is completely subjective.

 

The majority of people who make a choice not to wait for sex until marriage are doing it for a million different reasons, with one overarching common thread: they are not taking abstinence as a given.

 

Here is clarification-that is not in a book and what that statement is in the context of my personal experience with people who are against waiting until marriage. What I am referring to is what the general consensus was regarding the issue in my Ethics class and in my day to day interactions with people. Also, not only am I aware of science's inability to compile data regarding that but also of its ability to produce information which is unbiased since scientists themselves are subjects and have their own opinions. However, they do help us through research by providing us with projections which can be used to both aid and promote further research and development. Btw, scientists once published data which stated that because of my skin color and gender I would be biologically inferior to you in almost every way. Unfortunately, that belief was accepted by many people and the consequences of the pervasiveness of that ideology still resonates with many people today.

[Sheba]

Slightly off topic, I think it's really sad that people these days have to justify being of a religious persuasion and that their beliefs and attitudes stem from this.