How can you wait until after marriage for sex?

[Timbone]

Womanwriter's post got me thinking about this, and I don't get it.

 

Sex is such an important part of a committed relationship. Once married, that's (supposed to be) it - this is the only person you are having sex with for the rest of your life. That may not be a bad thing as long as the person is good to decent at the act and is willing to experiment and doesn't embarrass around their partner easily. But how can you even find this out before you get married?

 

What if you get married before you have sex with your partner, and the person has all these hang-ups and/or just stinks in the sack? What if they won't practice and play with you to see what really pushes your buttons, so to speak? Aren't you just straight-up screwed - and not in the good sense?

 

The only reason I can see for not having sex before getting married is one of religious preferences, and in this case I can't see that having alot of good and practical implications, especially if you wind up getting the short end of the stick in the bedroom.

 

How do you folks see this? What about you more religiously-minded folks? How does this work for you?

 

'Cuz I don't get it.

[hexaemeron]

Some people believe that sex is meant for their one true love they believe will follow them through life and into the beyond after. Some people even believe that sex is merely for procreation and never, ever recreation. Sorry, but before I buy the car, I'm test driving it first. Kicking the tires, checking the fluid levels, etc.

[Sanesoul]

It's personal preference. Everyone has different views on it.

[Timbone]

Exactly my thoughts, hex.

 

All those flowery romantic thoughts are all well and good, but when it comes right down to it and you've married someone that stinks in the sack and doesn't want to work at it or finds sex or french kissing or something 'icky'... well then, you're really f***ed then, aintcha?

 

Why go through all that marriage only to get a divorce because there's no sex? Seems a lot of trouble.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Once upon a time people only had sex on their wedding night..and many of those marriages lasted without infidelity and were happy. There are plenty of posts on here from people who had plenty of sex with their partner before marriage and then after marriage the sex life became dismal. The sex that happens before marriage is not a guarantee that it will stay that way after marriage. There is no guarantee of sexual compatibility as time goes on and people change. People are so hung up on the mechanics of sex and the orgasm that they totally lose sight of the emotional part of sex, not just the emotions for a certain person, but also the internal emotions, a person's state of mind. Sexual compatibility goes much deeper than just mechanics and experimentation..and the sex drive and desire for frequency and fancy sexual gymnastics does not necessary stay the same over time...so if you go into a marriage thinking "wow, she is amazing in the sack, that's just one hot mama", you might be in for a rude surprise when other things in this "hot mama's" life become more important.

[hexaemeron]

Exactly my thoughts, hex.

 

All those flowery romantic thoughts are all well and good, but when it comes right down to it and you've married someone that stinks in the sack and doesn't want to work at it or finds sex or french kissing or something 'icky'... well then, you're really f***ed then, aintcha?

 

Why go through all that marriage only to get a divorce because there's no sex? Seems a lot of trouble.

 

While I don't at all see the logic in it (remotely), it's certain someone's choice to place importance on sex or anything however they wish. I think it's just setting people up for failure in an already chaotic interpersonal world.

[Sanesoul]

Sex can change in relationships all the time. It's silly to think that because you have slept with someone before marriage that the sex will stay the same afterwards.

 

I don't believe in no sex before marriage, but I understand why a lot of people do it.

[ponyboy]

Exactly my thoughts, hex.

 

All those flowery romantic thoughts are all well and good, but when it comes right down to it and you've married someone that stinks in the sack and doesn't want to work at it or finds sex or french kissing or something 'icky'... well then, you're really f***ed then, aintcha?

 

Why go through all that marriage only to get a divorce because there's no sex? Seems a lot of trouble.

 

You wont know they stink in the sack assuming both are virgins. There arent any previous lovers to compare it too.

[unknownme]

May Women were raised to believe that it's special to save themselves for their husband, I actually think that's preety Sweet..Now if a woman is a virgin she probably doesn't know the feeling of sex therefore will not crave it.

 

Yes, you are right she might not be expreienced as a husband would like her to be, but she will be open after marrage to learning on how to please her new hustand, this is the time when the husband can teach her new tricks that will pleasure both...

 

I personally think that a person should experince sex with not only (1) person because this will allow them to compare diff types of pleasure so once married they will not wonder about things like this, nor get bored and tired and lead to cheating...

[Crazyaboutdogs]

While I don't at all see the logic in it (remotely), it's certain someone's choice to place importance on sex or anything however they wish. I think it's just setting people up for failure in an already chaotic interpersonal world.

 

Actually, the people who are placing more importance on sex are the ones who feel it is absolutely essential to test a person's sexual prowess before getting married. The people who choose to wait until marriage are actually placing less importance on sex because they are choosing to marry based on emotional connection rather than on whether or not the person has the technical know-how to have sex while swinging from the chandelier!

[hexaemeron]

I realize that's the story that was sold by society and the media of the time, but I highly doubt it was ever so clean and pretty. American society was repressed and in denial about itself even more than it is today. I don't believe marriages were any better then. Women just had less or no options about leaving so made the best out of varyingly poor marital conditions.

 

Romancing an ideal that probably never existed en masse is honestly a bit dangerous, but it's everyone's individual choice to pursue what they wish. Also, it's no one else's fault if/when he or she comes up empty handed.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

May Women were raised to believe that it's special to save themselves for their husband, I actually think that's preety Sweet..Now if a woman is a virgin she probably doesn't know the feeling of sex therefore will not crave it.

Yes, you are right she might not be expreienced as a husband would like her to be, but she will be open after marrage to learning on how to please her new hustand, this is the time when the husband can teach her new tricks that will pleasure both...

 

I personally think that a person should experince sex with not only (1) person because this will allow them to compare diff types of pleasure so once married they will not wonder about things like this, nor get bored and tired and lead to cheating...

 

That is not true. The desire for sex is built within, it is a biological urge. Just because a person chooses to wait doesn't mean they don't have the urge and doesn't crave it. It is just that they exercise self-control over their cravings.

[ChrisC]

Actually, the people who are placing more importance on sex are the ones who feel it is absolutely essential to test a person's sexual prowess before getting married. The people who choose to wait until marriage are actually placing less importance on sex because they are choosing to marry based on emotional connection rather than on whether or not the person has the technical know-how to have sex while swinging from the chandelier!

 

But doesn't sex tie in with that emotional connection? If the sex is good and very pleasurable, it makes the emotional connection so much stronger, if the sex is cold and boring, the emotional connection weakens.

[Scorpion Fury]

I would not wait. Cool for anyone that wants to, but it's not for me.

[Timbone]

it's true that there's no guarantee that the sex you had before marriage is going to be any better or even the same after marriage - but wouldn't you want to know?! To at least have some idea of what you're getting?

 

"Here are two pretty boxes. You get to keep one, and you will keep it for life. You cannot open the box to see what's inside before you have chosen one, and you have to keep what's in the box after you open it."

I wouldn't take this offer with anything, why is this the way it is for the most important decision of one's life?

[hexaemeron]

it's true that there's no guarantee that the sex you had before marriage is going to be any better or even the same after marriage - but wouldn't you want to know?! To at least have some idea of what you're getting?

 

"Here are two pretty boxes. You get to keep one, and you will keep it for life. You cannot open the box to see what's inside before you have chosen one, and you have to keep what's in the box after you open it."

I wouldn't take this offer with anything, why is this the way it is for the most important decision of one's life?

 

That's what happened when you'd be on a gameshow and they'd say "You can take the $50,000, or, what's behind door number 3!" And then you take Door Number 3, and you get an electric skillet.

[FarthestEdge]

Well, I agree with you in the sense that I wouldn't have done it,

 

BUT,

 

To play 'devil's advocate'.....

 

While sex does play an important role in relationships, HOW important that role is, is up to those involved. My guess is that for someone who has managed to abstain before marriage, sex plays less of a role than for those who feel it is critical to 'try before you buy'.

 

Furthermore, just because a couple does not engage in intercourse, does not mean that they have not necessarily explored their sexuality together, to some extent, at least. They will already know whether a physcial attraction , a desire and willingness to please their partner, and degree of curiosity/openness to exploration exists, and to what extent. In fact, many religious couples, as part of pre-marital counselling, discuss sexual expectations, which is often more than can be said of more secular couples who assume that if it was good last night, it'll be good in 5 years.

 

Also, if both partners are lacking in sexual experience, in choosing virginity/abstinence to marriage, it is the hope that as they explore their sexuality in what they feel is the safe and intimate cradle of their marriage bed. Their experience together has the potential to strengthen their bond, as something that they have only shared with one another.

 

I'd also like to suggest, that it is possible that too much sexual experience prior to marriage can leave a person jaded. While having had multiple partners and many experiences can show you what works best for you, so you (hopefully) choose a partner who can meet those needs, no one partner is perfect, and you could find yourself more dissatisfied with sex in your marriage long-term, when you have so many other experiences to compare it to.

 

In the end, it's like every other choice, you gain something and you lose something. I don't think there's a right or wrong way- so long as both partners agree. And I don't think that someone else choosing abstinence to marriage affects my decision to not have done, and vice versa.

 

To each his own. Whatever two (or more ) consenting adults chose to do (or not) behind closed doors is no one else's business, and no one elses place to judge...Sleep in the bed YOU make...

[ChrisC]

That's what happened when you'd be on a gameshow and they'd say "You can take the $50,000, or, what's behind door number 3!" And then you take Door Number 3, and you get an electric skillet.

 

Ha ha. I don't think anything behind a door would be better than $50,000 in cold hard cash.

[Timbone]

Exactly!

 

Do you really want to be there on your wedding night, and after it's all said and done, all you hear after is the Price Is Right 'fail' sound? ( link removed )

[hexaemeron]

Exactly!

 

Do you really want to be there on your wedding night, and after it's all said and done, all you hear after is the Price Is Right 'fail' sound? ( link removed )

 

Ahahahahahah! I just imagined that in my head. Oh well, at least they get that lovely dinette set and turtle wax.

[wildchild1]

I see your point and actually agree with you on some of them. All too often though, people hark back to the old days when there was no premarital sex, and there were no affairs. There have been people having sex out of wedlock, and carrying on affairs, for as long as there has been sex. I agree with HEX that that is too clean a rewrite of human history and nature.

[Scorpion Fury]

Ahahahahahah! I just imagined that in my head. Oh well, at least they get that lovely dinette set and turtle wax.

 

hahahaha oh man you guys are killin me.

[FarthestEdge]

it's true that there's no guarantee that the sex you had before marriage is going to be any better or even the same after marriage - but wouldn't you want to know?! To at least have some idea of what you're getting?

 

"Here are two pretty boxes. You get to keep one, and you will keep it for life. You cannot open the box to see what's inside before you have chosen one, and you have to keep what's in the box after you open it."

I wouldn't take this offer with anything, why is this the way it is for the most important decision of one's life?

 

Whether or not your partner is great in the sack is NOT the most important decision in your life. I agree it's important, but if you're going to marry someone just because they are a good lay, you're in for misery.

 

A lot of women are a tremendously great lay- until they get that ring......If you get too focused on the sex, you become a really good target for the bait & switch...Then you are more (or less screwed than the guy who waited until marriage.....

 

Choose your partner VERY carefully. Sex, like beauty, fades with time- you'd better be sure that you like what's left.

[wildchild1]

I think we shouldn't make the assumption that someone enjoying sex before marriage, automatically starts to exclude or ignore the other qualities of thier partner.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

I totally agree with FarthestEdge's posts. While sexuality is an important component of a relationship there are so many things that are way way more important as far as deciding on compatibility. It is also interested that there seems to be some kind of mockery of the people who choose to wait..why is that? Why are they considered "odd" just because others put a higher emphasis on sex in the relationship. Just because some people think sex is the ultimate determining factor in a relationship doesn't mean everyone has to think that way, and they are not odd or wrong for preferring to focus on the other parts of the relationship first and let the sex part fall into place.