My GF doesnt care about her appearance anymore

[distanceguy]

Hi all, im having an issue.

 

My GF and I have been dating for only 3 months, but we are VERY close. At first she was feeling senative about her appearance and kept putting herself down, but she has mostly gotten over that. But after a while, she stopped caring about how she looked when I was with her.

 

It started with simply wearing less make-up, which was ok. But now she puts no effort into her appearance at all when im around. She wears no make-up at all, she never dresses up, and she doesn’t even do her hair or shower every day. Ive hinted at how I would like to her prepare herself for me, even if its something as little as eyeliner, but she dismissed the idea as too much work.

 

I also found out that she actually does put on make-up and dress up when she goes to work. (she works only when she is home, which is an hour away from her college, and I cant visit her there due to her insane parents)

 

Im plenty satisfied with her appearance, but if she could at least show me that im worth 5 mins effort in the morning then it would make me alot happier. the fact that she doesn’t seem to care irritates me. I fully groom myself, and dress up every single day, and i do it just to look good for her. she has joked about how do it before, but i know she likes it. Also im confused as to why she does groom herself for work. Does she feel like she doesn’t need to look decent in front of me anymore?

 

Any advice as to how I could ask her about her change in appearance without being mean, or making her feel like I think she is ugly?

[PsychGirly]

I honestly have so many mixed emotions about your situation, only because your intentions are not pure.

 

"so I gave her a chance"

-Even before you knew her, you assumed you were above her simply because she wasn't as "good-looking" as you. By saying you "gave her a chance", you're implying that she didn't really deserve one, but you decided to give her the benefit of the doubt.

"she knew that I was more attractive than her"

-How do you know what she knew? If you were modest & really cared, you would say "she thought that I was more attractive than her". This is what you thought, not her.

"I have very reasonable standards, and to be perfectly honest she was a bit below them"

-If your standards were, in fact, "reasonable", you would not settle for something below them.

"I didn’t like the fact that she seemed to feel inferior and insecure due to my looks"

-Did you ever stop to think that you may have made her feel this way? You obviously made it clear that looks are normally important to you, & that you were "making an exception" for her. It's not because you're "good-looking" that she felt insecure, it's because you made her feel like she wasn't "good-looking enough", & not on your level that made her feel this way.

"Ive hinted at how I would like to her prepare herself for me"

-She shouldn't have to prepare herself for you. She should want to do it for herself, so that she can feel good about herself. If she feels good with no make-up & comfortable clothes, then more power to her. Maybe if you showed her a little more appreciation & respect, she'd be more willing to make you happy.

"due to her insane parents"

-A bit disrespectful & out of line, don't you think?

"make herself look good for me"

-To say that your gf needs to "make herself look good" is pretty sad. A girl should never have to make herself look good. Make-up and nice clothes should emphasize beauty, not make you beautiful. You should think she's beautiful regardless.

"she could make our differences seem less noticeable"

-What differences? If you're referring to your physical differences, you're being ridiculous. She shouldn't have to make herself look good everytime she's with you just so you won't be embarrassed being seen with her in public. The moment you "decided to give her a chance" was the moment you told her that you accepted her as she is. She shouldn't have to go out of her way, for anyone, to be accepted.

"im confused as to why she does groom herself for work"

-Because she has to. She can't show up to work in loose jeans & a sweater with no make-up. There are certain rules & regulations she has to follow there, & that's probably why when she finally has some free-time (when she's with you), she wants to be herself.

 

 

Honestly, I can't answer your question or help you in any way, because I think you've already done what you didn't want to do. You probably have made her feel ugly & inferior, and if it was me in her shoes, I would think you're a jerk.

 

You're not saying she's ugly, but you wish she'd put more effort into being pretty.

 

I'm not saying you're shallow, but I wish you'd put more effort into being more considerate & caring.

 

You asking her to take care of herself for her own well-being is one thing, but asking her to do it for you is another. She shouldn't have to go out of her way to be loved & accepted. If you feel like you can't accept her the way she is, & if you're embarrassed to be seen with her in public because she's "inferior to you", then please do her a favor & let her go. It may hurt her now, but it's better than waking up every morning feeling like you'll never be good enough.

[Miss Firecracker]

I believe you should stop trying to make this girl into something she isn't. She will NEVER be the type of woman you want, so just let it drop. If you want to do something charitable, please find another way. This woman is bound to be suffering already, knowing you consider yourself so much prettier than she is. And I'd bet money that is the reason she lets herself go. Deep down, she probably hopes you will leave her to prevent a future disaster.

[Moontiger]

I agree Psych. In your post you come off as shallow and self-centered. Read over your post, its not about your girlfriend at all. Its about YOU and YOUR feeling and YOUR looks and how she compars to YOU.

 

I also find it interesting that you felt the need to say you have reasonable standards. What exactly are your standards? Im interesting in see what they are.

[dr_styles]

I don't quite understand what you mean with all this stuff about you being more attractive than her. Does that even matter? - in short you are not physically attracted to her anymore. So if you want to be with a girl who likes dressing up a bit more (for whatever reason) then maybe this girl just isn't for you?

[agent1607307371]

Maybe she wasn't dolling herself up because she felt ugly, but because she was in date mode.

 

I don't wear make up (unless I have to) and if I do it doesn't make me feel pretty.

 

Maybe she just doesn't feel bothered by you anymore. And tbh, if you're carrying the attitude that she's inferior and your relationship has happened only due to your incredibly charitable nature, I'd be less inclined to care too.

[norsewoman]

 

I also find it interesting that you felt the need to say you have reasonable standards. What exactly are your standards? Im interesting in see what they are.

 

 

Me too, LOL!

 

I wonder if those standards will change in a few years when you put on some pounds and that receding hair line catches up with you. None of us are perfect- it might do you well to focus on what's on the inside rather than the outside.

[vertigoxo]

PsychGirly hit this right on the nail! Brutal honesty is best, I'll say!

[HellFrost666]

Maybe she feels like nothing will ever be good enough and so she's tired of trying.

 

There's such a sense of entitlement in your post...

 

Or, maybe she's tired of you thinking you're above her, so she's intentionally trying to get rid of you.

[annie24]

sounds like this relationship is a mismatch. i can think of some guys who like the 'natural' look and like a low maintenence woman (sorry can't spell!!) if you already feel she's "let herself go," how would you feel after 5 years of marriage and your first two kids, when she is walking around the house with a shirt with baby spit on it? I'd let her go and both of your should find more compatible people.

[Maya_A]

Honestly distance guy, I think I do see what you are saying.

 

If you hadn't mentioned that you thought she was "below your standards" or "make our differences seem less noticeable" (though maybe these are her words/fears)...maybe others would have had a bit of a different response. I think it was just the choice of your words that were not the greatest, but not entirely what was/is in your heart.

 

There have been so many messages on here about personality versus looks, and you actually said that although you didn't find her quite that attractive at the outset, you went beyond that & looked at her personality to give 'attraction' a chance to grow, and it did. I think that's great. Many people would not even do that.

 

You also said that you didn't like the fact she felt inferior in terms of a looks mis-match... Then you felt she got over it & you felt better....

 

And I think many people would notice if there was a large change in the way their sig. other looked, related to grooming (she doesn't shower everyday ) and within only the first 3 months to boot... This is normally the time where we love to look exceptionally "hot" for our sig. others... So I can see why it would make you at least wonder if she felt you were important enough to want to look good for, particularly since she grooms herself for work.

 

I personally don't understand her saying that she feels it's too much work to even put on a little eyeliner. Something so simple that takes a few moments... Isn't it nice to want to look nice for your sig. other? She does wear a little for work.

 

I have to say that I wouldn't like it if my guy stopped shaving regularly for instance, & walked around with a huge all over face & neck covering shadow stubble, or I could tell he didn't shower, hair greasy & not having that nice, fresh smell when we are close... No, wouldn't be nice. And as much as I love his personality (& don't feel we are a mis-match in looks at all) I might also be looking for a kind way to broach this with him...

 

Of course, we can all have a a bad day or so for reasons, but as a regular, lasting change/thing.

 

If I stopped showering & had greasy hair, didn't brush my teeth as much, etc. I'd expect him to ask me if everything was ok type thing as well...

 

So OP, it depends on how you mean all of this... If it is about "looking good to others & image" or your trying to change her to be what she is not in a big physical way, then not a good thing.

 

On the other hand if it is about genuine attraction levels due to real life circumstances, such as personal hygiene or just very basic grooming & self care, then yes, I can absolutely see your point.

[jengh]

I think you need to do HER a favor and break it off with her. You come off as self-centered and arrogant from your original post, so maybe while she works on being hotter you can work on that.

[Scorpion Fury]

Sounds like she's gotten comfortable and has stopped putting in an effort. A lot of girls do this, and they shouldn't.

 

I think you don't sound like a good match, and I think if I were you I'd end things. But if you don't wanna do that, stop hinting and just come right out and say it. That you want her to make more of an effort like she did in the beginning.

[sunshine1]

I agree one million percent. Everything you highlighted was something I was going to too.

[lavenderdove]

If you want a girl who dolls up all the time, then i doubt she is the one for you. Some people really like to do the full dress up/makeup thing every single day, and others don't.

[distanceguy]

sounds like this relationship is a mismatch. i can think of some guys who like the 'natural' look and like a low maintenence woman (sorry can't spell!!) if you already feel she's "let herself go," how would you feel after 5 years of marriage and your first two kids, when she is walking around the house with a shirt with baby spit on it? I'd let her go and both of your should find more compatible people.

 

thankyou for some advise that isnt calling me a pompus * * * * * , il take that to heart.

[annie24]

i do totally understand where you are coming from. I'm always disheartened when i am going on a date with a guy, and i got all dressed up, and he shows up wearing whatever he wore to school that day (jeans, t-shirt, sneakers). I rather like it when a guy has showered and is wearing a nice shirt, it just shows that extra little effort. i understand relaxed dates later on in the relationship, but i can see if she's never going back to the dressy-dressy thing, you can get annoyed. i totally understand.

 

my friends and i are the type to try to get a little dressy (nice hair, makeup, cute clothes) even if we're just running errands, so i'm sure you can find a woman more on that wavelength.

[distanceguy]

i gave her a chance because she seemed like an interesting person. my meaning for "chance" is me seeing if i can get over looks, and fall for her personality, and i did.

 

i never told her that she was unattractive, or even less attractive that me, but she insisted that i was too good looking for her. i only reasured that she was pretty, rather than tell her that i didnt care about her appearance, and like i said, before long i didnt find her attractive.

 

my standards are reasonable because I dont need some super hottie. i was trying to get the message accross that she WAS(past tense) below my standards NOt because she wasnt a beauty queen.

[RebekaLitle]

If she wears it for work , then it's probably why she doesnt see the point wearing make-up casually. I understand that.

But if she's happy as she is then you shouldnt have a problem with it. Did you ever think that you aren't appealing enough for her to dress up, maybe you aren't stimulating her ?

 

Not all girls are wannabee wags. If you want to her to dress up then give her a good cause. Otherwise leave her alone if she's comfortable that way,

[RebekaLitle]

I think it boils down to incompatiblity and slight vanity

[distanceguy]

If she wears it for work , then it's probably why she doesnt see the point wearing make-up casually. I understand that.

But if she's happy as she is then you shouldnt have a problem with it. Did you ever think that you aren't appealing enough for her to dress up, maybe you aren't stimulating her ?

 

Not all girls are wannabee wags. If you want to her to dress up then give her a good cause. Otherwise leave her alone if she's comfortable that way,

 

she tells me every day how attractive she finds me, and how happy she is with our relationship. and although i dont get to see her every day, the sex we have is very good, and i know shes craves it as much as i do, if not more. so i dont think its an issue of not being appealing enough. also she came up to me when we met because she found me appealing. nothing about me has changed since then. i do the exact routine of groom that i have done for at least a year

[PsychGirly]

Reality is, you've only been dating for 3 months now. During the first few months of any relationship, you get to know that person & familiarize yourself with her habits, tastes, values, etc.

 

When you met her, you decided to give it a shot even though she was below your average, which was honestly nice of you to do. You felt like she was worth the shot, for whatever reason, & took it from there.

 

Now, however, you're realizing that she's not only physical incompatible with you, but her personality/character didn't turn out to be exactly what you expected, either.

 

I can promise you this...it's not your looks that make her insecure. It's not the fact that you always groom yourself, have your hair perfectly done, shave, are nicely dressed, etc. It's the fact that you make it known that it's so important to you. Physical appearance is important to you, & you expect your partner to feel the same way. Unfortunately, it just so happens to be that she doesn't feel the same way. She feels comfortable in her own skin. She prefers to wear looser clothing & not do her hair every single day, or put on makeup everytime she walks out the door. I know this can be disappointing, but it's not something you should try to change.

 

If you were a married couple, or even in a serious relationship, I would understand. If she used to do this consistently all the time, & all of a sudden she changed from this beauty queen to a slob, then you would have a right to be concerned or even a bit let-down; however, you mentioned that she was already "far below your standards" when you first met her. Also, depending on the type of setting you met her in (party, social setting, etc.), she most likely put more effort into looking good that day because it was a more public setting. For the first few dates, she still put effort into looking good so that she can impress you & so that possibly, you can look past her "below average appearance".

 

After 3 months, she's become comfortable enough to hope you accept her for who she is, underneath all the clothes & make-up. If you can't do this, then you're just wasting your time & hers. You're not a horrible guy, but you would be better off moving on & finding someone you're more compatible with. Why settle for something that you have to put so much work into to be satisfied, especially when it's only been 3 months?

 

Reality is, life only gets harder as you grow older. She's going to get more comfortable, she may have more stress in her life later on, she'll have kids & may even put on some weight, etc. If you can't accept her now, then you won't be able to accept her then.

[Ms Darcy]

Would you feel comfortable dropping the hint and being more direct with her about your needs?

[Startingover2007]

Why not do something special for her?

 

What I mean is, I get very busy in my freetime with my hobbies and I get so involved in it that I let other things slide. My hobbies are my dogs. I'm always training them. I get used to throwing my hair in a ponytail and wearing my sweats out to practice with them, as I feel whom am i trying to please...the dog already thinks i'm great??lol

 

My friends recently did a big girls weekend as we all have been busy with husbands, kids, dogs, work etc. After the weekend I realized how much i missed getting my hair done, going tanning, shopping, etc. I'm doing alot more getting made-up since then.

 

Maybe suggest a girly weekend with her friends?

[dr_styles]

Maybe the first question you need to ask yourself is are you prepared to let her go or have her walk off? What is your stance/action if nothing changes.

 

And maybe this is just me, but being below someone's standards is different to how they dress. In otherwords his first words here: "but if she could at least show me that im worth 5 mins effort in the morning then it would make me alot happier". I can understand the reasons how people should be looking good for themselves first and not others, but sign of appreciation goes a long way too.