Thoughts, ramblings

[annie24]

i don't think you made a mistake letting your ex go. i think you need to push him out of your mind and focus on the exams.

 

have you signed up for counseling on campus? maybe they can teach you some techniques to push these thoughts out of your mind and help you focus?

[marshmlofluff]

I don't think you made a mistake in letting the ex go, either. As I said, with non-Indian guys because you begin with some big cultural differences, in my experience you have to be even more sure they are compatible on absolutely everything else. This guy did not sound like he was compatible with you generally.

 

I would suggest this...why don't you decide to just turn off notifications from your ads for two or three weeks and just study...take an emotional vacation from guy-hunting for a few weeks at least. Give yourself a little break. That will help quieten some of the anxiety and restore some balance.

 

Then you can go back in 2-3 weeks and see who e-mailed you.

[LAYAAN]

i don't think you made a mistake letting your ex go. i think you need to push him out of your mind and focus on the exams.

 

have you signed up for counseling on campus? maybe they can teach you some techniques to push these thoughts out of your mind and help you focus?

Yes, I've been going into counseling for students. My counselor tends to be non-interventional. He provides a listening ear, that's it pretty much. He helps you hear yourself out and sometimes asks Qs so you can understand how stupid you sound.

[LAYAAN]

I don't think you made a mistake in letting the ex go, either. As I said, with non-Indian guys because you begin with some big cultural differences, in my experience you have to be even more sure they are compatible on absolutely everything else. This guy did not sound like he was compatible with you generally.

I would suggest this...why don't you decide to just turn off notifications from your ads for two or three weeks and just study...take an emotional vacation from guy-hunting for a few weeks at least. Give yourself a little break. That will help quieten some of the anxiety and restore some balance.

Then you can go back in 2-3 weeks and see who e-mailed you.

Good suggestion. After I read this, I went online to that matrimonial site that I've my profile on. For the most part, navigating is hard. It is not as easy as EH is. You can't even delete mails in your inbox. So, I don't know how to stop getting emails from them. I'm trying to contact the customer service to see how I can get to put a hold on these things.

Somehow I succeeded in stopping my mom from buying a membership with the website. I told her its not going to achieve anything, only a wastage of money since we don't fit into anyone's criteria anyways. She listened.

As far as those 'marriage bureaus' in India are concerned, I can't control that. Few years ago I suggested my mom that she should pull off my profile from those places and give all of us a rest. Her theory 'People would ask me 'Why are you doing that? If your daughter is still single, you should not do this.'' I stopped fussing with my mom. She doesn't listen. According to her logic. If people approach her, she considers them (which is not true. She actively seeks out suitable profiles and contacts them). Since there are fewer men left in arranged marriage market that are suitable for my age, she says that she doesn't need to pull off my profile because she doesn't have to do much anyways. I told her not to bother me with her searches. Her theory is 'I'll keep emailing you. You neglect it.' (I don't get the logic). So, what I do is, if she emails me anyone's profile, I simply delete the email.

My mom doesn't listen to me. I can't help it. Just imagine how worse things would get if I go back to India and I'm still single.

Marsh, I'm not able to talk back to my mom. Everytime I've tried to ignore my mom's advice, my circumstances have made me go right back to her and plead for help. I wish I were a US citizen just like you. I could live my life the way I wanted. I wouldn't have to fear being thrown out of the US in this economy if I can't find an employer ready to sponsor me a visa. This is one of the reasons why I was thinking of settling for my ex than to hold out for someone compatible. I am dreading going back to India. I really am. People are in your business all the time. If you have relatives around, forget it. You can't stay single. They almost eat you up alive. They pity you during family gatherings. You really can't live your life the way you want to in India. Its not the worst place, I know that, but it still doesn't offer you as many choices as living in the US does.

[LAYAAN]

I missed appointment with my trainer today. I feel like an ass. I slept like a rock. Could faintly hear my alarm ringing, but just could not wake up.

 

I was hoping to get my measurements on Wed, but my periods started, so my trainer asked me to come next week for measurements instead. She said that 1 week prior to beginning your period and while on your period, your measurements are inaccurate. There is an increase in body mass anywhere from 3-5 lb. No wonder last week I've been pigging out, feeling lethargic, just barely hanging in there.

 

I have an appointment with my psychiatrist today. I have not been taking my meds regularly. My sleep cycle has been disturbed. I feel like shopping and eating. I have been pushing myself to do mundane activities like taking showers, brushing teeth. I also was having meaningless strange dreams. Now am I gonna tell her that? I guess so.

[LAYAAN]

I made roasted potatoes today.

15 red baby potatoes, cut in half

1 tbspn olive oil

1 tspn rosemary

1 tspn thyme

1 tspn black pepper

sea salt to taste

 

Throw in a casserole, roast in an oven at 375 oF for 45 min - 1 hour.

 

I really like roasted potatoes for a side dish. I brought a big bag of potatoes and have been making 'em since. I can't stop eating. I really like the way they taste.

[LAYAAN]

I'm annoyed with another PhD student who works in the lab next to ours. I dont' know what exactly she is going through in her personal life. We have been friends and she shares her stuff openly with me. I sense that she wants someone to talk to (and I can understand that) but I can't fulfill that need. My boss doesn't like her for some reason. He definitely doesn't like his students talking and wasting time and not working. She comes to my desk, sits and talks about her personal stuff, I have no clue what to say. I don't advice her because she doesn't listen anyways. Her and I are raised in different cultures, we look at life differently. She has been in an on-off relationship. She doesn't know what to do about that. I dont' know either. I personally don't like on-off thing. I try to do my best when I'm in a relationship and if things are not working out, I leave, but going back is asking for more of the same stuff that you found annoying before. I dont' support that. She came yesterday and started whining "You don't give me hugs." Well, because I'm not raised in a culture that has that custom. I don't even hug my own mother. I don't hug any of my friends. I used to hug only the guy that I was in relationship with. I understand her need but I can't fulfill it. I really hate it when she hogs my time. Not only I waste my time but she also fills my head with nonsense garbage, complains about men, marriage system, all negative talk. I have enough of that nonsense already. When I try to tell her anything she doesn't listen. She argues. So, what's the point of communicating? I know that she is going through a rough time in her program and she wants a listening ear, but I really want to stay away and conserve my energy and sanity. I don't know how to explain this to her. I suggested that she should go see a counselor and a psychiatrist. She wouldn't listen. She was put on pill, she took it only for some time and gave it up.

God, I can't take this anymore. I just want to be able to focus on my studies and keep my sanity and get out man. This program has already been too long of a journey for me. I can't make it any longer than this.

[annie24]

that's why i have an ipod.

 

i am sort of having this problem now too. truthfully, earlier in my grad school career, i was chattier and wanted to talk all the time. now i just want to sit down, finish my work, and leave. i take it that she has been in lab less than you?

 

you know, i would just say, "I'm sorry, I really need to get back to writing/this experiment/make this phone call" or whatever, and just get back to work. if you're in a situation where you have plenty of stresses yourself and you need to get your work done, don't feel bad for cutting her off if she's talking about her love troubles.

[penelope13]

Tinu, instead of seeing a psychiatrist/ psychologist you might want to explore if a life coach would be a better alternative for you. The advantage of a life coach is that their main focus is to provide you with tools how to handle situations/ emotional challenges rather than only lending an ear

[LAYAAN]

Hi Penelope,

I agree with you. I was seeing a lifecoach before, but I felt severely judged and criticized. When I shared that him, he raised his voice at me and said that the one thing that he does not do is to judge his clients. So, I stopped seeing him.

I agree with you. My psychiatrist is only there to write prescriptions. My counselor is no help. He only listens. I'm looking for a lifecoach.

[penelope13]

Do you think a woman would be easier for you to work with?

[LAYAAN]

Do you think a woman would be easier for you to work with?

not necessarily. I prefer to work with men because I find them more logical, straight forward (no sugar coating, no beating around the bush, no being nice for the sake of being nice). Women are many times not this direct. My mom is very direct with me, so is my professor and good friend, so I'm okay with that. I can deal with people being brutally honest with me. That is not my problem. In fact, I prefer that. I encourage people to be honest with me. Yes, sometimes it hurts but its necessary.

I went to a lifecoach because I'm confused and I need help. My problem is when people judge me for my beliefs and not try to understand where I'm coming from. If these professional people start judging, where am I supposed to go?

Some of the comments he passed, really hurt me. I told him that I feel judged and criticized for my preferences.

e.g. 1) I'm not sure about having a kid. If I feel I've married a decent guy and I've a good relationship with him, then I'll be able to tell better.

2) I prefer to go out with someone that has atleast a BS degree.

3) I said no to my fireman ex because I didn't feel that he had the drive, life (one of the reasons).

4) I said that I will not go out with anyone that has a child. (My lifecoach had kids very young and probably was divorced). He jumped at my comment.

5) I said that I will not move in with any man unless I'm engaged to the guy and a wedding date is set.

He said that I'm too picky and I think a little too highly of myself.

What can you explain to someone like this man?

[penelope13]

Well with a lifecoach as with other professionals, sometimes you have to shop around till you find someone with whom you click. Maybe a woman would be more compassionate?? Personally I also prefer to interact with men in general, but I also can handle if they don't agree with my point of view; I actually like it, because it makes me rethink/ reevaluate my own beliefs

[marshmlofluff]

e.g. 1) I'm not sure about having a kid. If I feel I've married a decent guy and I've a good relationship with him, then I'll be able to tell better.

2) I prefer to go out with someone that has atleast a BS degree.

3) I said no to my fireman ex because I didn't feel that he had the drive, life (one of the reasons).

4) I said that I will not go out with anyone that has a child. (My lifecoach had kids very young and probably was divorced). He jumped at my comment.

5) I said that I will not move in with any man unless I'm engaged to the guy and a wedding date is set.

He said that I'm too picky and I think a little too highly of myself.

What can you explain to someone like this man?

 

Maybe you need a life coach who is more familiar with Indian culture, where #2, #4, and #5 are givens for most people who are at that same life stage.

[annie24]

I don't think that any of the things on that list is unreasonable, and I am white. i would rather date a man with a college degree, no kids myself. but, i know that you never know who you will meet. i think that you just need a different coach!

[LAYAAN]

Hello Marsh, Penelope, and Annie... thank you for your support and understanding my situation.

Yes, I just need to shop around for a different coach. I'm not judging all the professionals by him. Just wanted to state how something I said was interpreted.

[LAYAAN]

For last week or so, my professor has not been paying attention to my paper. I asked 2-3 times and then gave it a rest. Did the work I was supposed to do. Prayed about it. Today surprisingly, he called me in and said that he worked on my manuscript, that he appreciates the suggestions I made and he wants to go with some of them. I don't know what he was thinking today, he also worked on my poster today. Suggested corrections.

I am surprised that he didn't give me a hard time with my poster and really thankful for that.

I will be going tonight to enter those corrections and submit the modified version to him.

[annie24]

good, that sounds really promising.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, that was just very surprising in a good way. Thank you Annie.

[LAYAAN]

that's why i have an ipod.

i am sort of having this problem now too. truthfully, earlier in my grad school career, i was chattier and wanted to talk all the time. now i just want to sit down, finish my work, and leave. i take it that she has been in lab less than you?

you know, i would just say, "I'm sorry, I really need to get back to writing/this experiment/make this phone call" or whatever, and just get back to work. if you're in a situation where you have plenty of stresses yourself and you need to get your work done, don't feel bad for cutting her off if she's talking about her love troubles.

haha, I can't work with noise (even if its music) in the background.

Yes, thats a good point you make. Yes, she is 1 yr junior to me, but I don't think thats really the case with her. As long as I've known her she has been this way. Also, I find her selfish when it comes to her time and her work. I won't mind being supportive to a hurting person, but when I needed her she didn't support me.

e.g. When my car broke down, I asked her for a ride to the service center, she said yes, then called back and said "I've decided to go running. So, I can't come pick you up."

There have been numerous times when I have gone out of my way to help her with her presentation, giving her a ride several times to the airport, letting her borrow my GPS. I just feel like she is taking advantage of me. I'm out.

With her love life, she seems to have already made up her mind about the guy and is just looking for someone to come up with the same justification. I'm not going to do that. When asked for an opinion, I give MY opinion on the situation. I honestly, don't like giving my opinion to others on their love life, really. People have a different way of looking at things. Plus, when I tell her anything, she argues back, who wants to deal with that? I have enough already. I just cut her off in a polite way. I feel back because I dont' like behaving this way. I'm there for my friends, but this girl has really been taking advantage of me for long time and I can't give anymore from my side. Last night she called me twice, I didn't answer the phone. I had blood draw scheduled for my research and I just came from lab. I wouldn't be in any position to help her anyways.

[annie24]

yeah, so i guess in the future, if she asks you for a favor, you don't have to say yes, think about if you have anything more important to do (including painting your toenails). she does sound rather selfish. honestly, you have work to do, that is the truth, and i'm sure your advisor passing by would rather see you hard at work than gossiping with her about guys. so just tell her you need to get back to work.

[LAYAAN]

I gave my poster for printing yesterday. My boss was very cooperative. I thanked him later for that.

He is also talking about submitting the paper and that was surprising too, but hey, I'm on board with that idea! Lets go! So, while the sun is shining, I'm going to do my best.

I was reading some articles about postdoc interview and I really was panicking yesterday. My situation is unique in a way that my parents are nagging me to come back to India and look for jobs there. I'm not sure I'm ready to do that. I really enjoyed my freedom in this country. I put pressure on myself to get married, but noone else seemed to care. I told my mom that once I go back to India the pressure on me to get married to whoever will increase and I'll fall into that trap. Also, if I go back to India now, I don't think that I would be able to come back to USA.

I really just want to pass my pharmacy boards and work as a pharmacist for a while. Take a break from science, performance pressure, anxiety, dealing with unknown, not knowing if the next experiment is going to deliver the results that we are looking for, if the paper is going to go through or get rejected again, if the grant will get renewed, or even funded. May be my personality is not suited for science jobs.

There is also this pressure to graduate and get a job if I want to marry an Indian man in the US. I first will have to show my paystub. They want you to move to where they are located and they want you to find a job in their city, I'm not sure that's possible in this economy.

I'm getting an anxiety attack just thinking about all this. I have a lot of decisions to take and I'm not sure what road to take.

[annie24]

i think just deal with the most pressing anxiety for now. that is submitting the paper, and passing the pharmacy boards. everything else is kind of too much and sort of out of your control. but the paper and the boards are the one thing that you DO have total control over, so do a good job!

 

your parents seem to have a really crappy marriage (based on what you wrote to shari jones). kind of makes me wonder why you are in a rush to get married?

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Annie for your comment. I appreciate your suggestion "Deal with the most pressing anxiety now. i.e. the paper and studying for boards. Everything else is out of your control right now." I think that's what I need to focus on. My mind wanders and I can't stop feeling anxious.

Regarding marriage: yes, my parents didn't have a good marriage. I separated myself from everyone and just focused on my hobbies and studies as a child, so I don't know whose marriage I can quote as a happy marriage either. Am I in a rush to get married? No... I'll explain what I mean by this. 1) I am the only child. I yearned for love, affection, feeling that I belong in a relationship which I didn't get as a child from my parents and not from siblings since I didn't have any. My parents didn't want me to vent about their bad marriage to my friends, so they told me that everybody's marriage is like this. My parents were afraid that my friends would go back to their parents and share the secrets about my parents married life. I have been alone for so many years. I want to come home to someone. I want to be in a good, happy relationship. 2) If I want to try the non-Indian (not raised in India) pool of men, then I'm okay with waiting. As you know from my posts, I have not been looking in that pool. With Indian men, I've mentioned this before, waiting acts against you. Waiting actually reduces your chances of getting even a decent man. So, if you want to get married to an Indian man, settle pragmatically and call it the end.

I'm a good person, sincere, hard-working, loyal. It hurts me to know that I'm still single and yearning for affection. I don't know the reason why.

[annie24]

well, i think for the next few months to 1 year, don't worry about marriage. i think part of it is luck as well. let's face it - if you really think that all marriages are like your parents', would you even want to get married?? you'd be better off living with 8 cats!!

 

and plus, i think once you pass your exams and get the PhD, you'll be in a better position to know where you will be, geographically and financially, and i think that will help you out in both marriage markets.