Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

A lot happened about my proposal writing at school in last 3-4 days. blah blah... my boss as usual got really mad. What else is new?

Finally the grad advisor, pharm program director, and my boss came to my desk and said "alright, you can write the proposal the traditional way" great!

All I really need to do is now FOCUS. Put my nose to the grindstone and just keep plugging away.

If my paper doesn't get accepted this time, though, I'll have to reconsider staying in the program. I've worked extremely hard. There is nothing more that I can do. This is the data. Its a human study. I can't add any more samples to a longitudinal human study. Its not worth it. I will have to consider going back to India and either getting a job or doing something else, but I'll have to do that. Absolutely.

I get so tired working in lab, writing my paper, writing my proposal, I come home very tired. I can't seem to start studying for pharmacy boards. And as thought all this is not enough draining for me, I come home and indulge into this self-sabotaging behavior. Why am I not married? Why is she married? I don't know how to stop doing this to myself. I am going to see my counselor tomorrow. I hope, he brings in some different perspective and offers some help.

I feel like I'm swimming in an endless ocean, struggling to keep my head above water. There is no shore nor rescue in sight. I feel very sad and alone. I feel like I have noone. I feel like nothing good will ever happen to my life.

[LAYAAN]

I feel like I'm a total failure.

No marriage, no kids, no job, I haven't completed my PhD, I'm not sure that I'll get my PhD, I'm not sure that I'll even get an MS (I expect my boss to fight it). I have no hope for life. I don't know why I'm alive.

I have wondered many times what would happen if I kill myself. I can't help but wonder how my mom's life would turn around. I never thought of commiting suicide because I know my mom would be shattered. I don't want to be a reason for my mom's death, but I can't stop wondering why am I alive? Whats the purpose to live when you can't even have a normal life? I hope I can get that email drafted today before I go to see my counselor tomorrow. I feel like quitting everything and going back to India. I feel like hiding in my mom's lap somewhere. I dont' feel capable. I wish I were never born. I feel like I can never achieve anything. I feel like an idiot, the biggest loser, I feel totally lost in this world, I am confused and I don't even know what I want anymore, what I like anymore. I don't know what to do, don't know where to go, dont' know where to hide, I'm just crying when I write this. I can't write openly even on ENA because people judge me. I wonder what do they think of me. I don't know what to write anymore. I feel like I don't know

[annie24]

hi tinu - i think you really need to get that counseling tomorrow. as a phd student, i totally understand all the stresses you have and conflicts with the advisor. trust me, it is universal. even those students i know who always get along with their advisors, they have other problems with their studies. ulimately, it looks better for the program to have a higher graduation rate, so they will try to help you out, as long as you put in the work.

 

right now, i would not focus on marriage. i think it will just get in the way of you right now. focus on the basics. that is, writing, doing the things you need to do to graduate and get out. forget guys! i've put dating on hold as well.

 

talk to your counselor tomorrow about everything you are thinking.

[LAYAAN]

Hi Annie,

I'm not sure what to write... right now, I'm just trying to breathe sitting here. may be i'll read what you wrote and but it will take me some time to process it and then i'll writ e a reply.

[LAYAAN]

I couldn't sleep well last night. Kept tossing and turning, made an attempt to sleep for 4 hours. Now again, up and running. I didn't finish writing what I was going to write to my counselor and now I'm like a zombie. I cried last night. Now, my eyes look visibly swollen. Not sure I can go to lab looking like this. Talked to my mom last night. Looks like if my paper doesn't get accepted this time, I'll have to take some decision whether I have to continue my PhD or not. Yes, I also prayed to God last night. Sobbed while in bed.

Oh no! I just remembered that I didn't take my mood pill last night.

Well, I'm going to try and complete writing that email to my counselor now.

[nightsky123]

Hi Penelope,

 

I think I have to come to Tinu's defense here. Your interpretation of the remark Tinu had made, is completely out of context.

What Tinu had written, when I first read it, seemed almost like part of a dialogue from a Bollywood movie. It was meant to show her despair, but I'm sure she didn't mean it literally, but just as a melodramatic expression of her frustration.

Also, like Tinu said, let's cut her a little slack.

Like she said, she is trying to solely focus on her studies but she's finding it hard.

I'm sure she's trying.

Tinu, hope it works out for you.

[annie24]

put some cold spoons on your eyes to make the swelling go down. and put on some makeup. you'll look ok.

[penelope13]

Hi Penelope,

 

I think I have to come to Tinu's defense here. Your interpretation of the remark Tinu had made, is completely out of context.

What Tinu had written, when I first read it, seemed almost like part of a dialogue from a Bollywood movie. It was meant to show her despair, but I'm sure she didn't mean it literally, but just as a melodramatic expression of her frustration.

Also, like Tinu said, let's cut her a little slack.

Like she said, she is trying to solely focus on her studies but she's finding it hard.

I'm sure she's trying.

Tinu, hope it works out for you.

 

Hi nightsky

 

I am sure Tinu appreciates your support.

 

I am very aware that whatever I respond on a thread is only my personal opinion based on very limited information from the OP, thus tinu has the choice to completely ignore what I have written.

 

However, after having been in touch with Tinu for quite some time and her asking me specifically I think I didn't take her comment out of context, but rather have taken everything in consideration that we have talked about in the past few months.

 

Being empathetic, supportive, and having an open mind is always a top priority for me. Nevertheless Tinu needs more than just support and a sympathetic ear, she really needs some help. Either from her family, her friends, a professional, or from ENA because currently she is not able to provide that help for herself.

 

I find it painful to hear if someone is struggling so hard with so many things at the same time that you feel so overwhelmed that you don't even know anymore where to start working your way out of a situation. In this kind of instance you need someone to give you more than just an ear to vent.

 

Tinu, please let me know if you felt attacked by me in any way,

[LAYAAN]

Hi Nightsky,

I appreciate your writing a post supporting me. Yes, I think Penelope got the idea. She doesn't feel that I would do anything to myself, but is more concerned about the wording and how I could even word it so harshly. She is concerned about the extent of anger I've.

In India we are more forgiving to certain words and gestures, I guess. I've noticed that people in the western world take those exact same words more seriously.

Thank you though for trying to clarify.

Hope you are doing well as well.

[LAYAAN]

Hello Penny,

No, I didn't feel attacked. I felt that you took my comment a little too far, a little too seriously. That's all.

I'm thankful for your contribution to my journal. I mean it.

[LAYAAN]

I got up late to discover that the clock needs to be turned 1 hour ahead now. ha! 1 hour less to sleep.

 

Well, but yesterday, I made 3 different dishes - 1) eggplant with tomatoes, onion and potatoes, salt, red chilli powder to taste 2) tofu marinated overnight in sesame seed oil, lemon juice, red chilli flakes, soy sauce, ginger-garlic paste and cooked it yesterday with lots of stir-fry veggies 3) okra with onion and tomato paste, salt, red chilli powder to taste. I finished doing all dishes, did laundry. I feel great to go into next week having taken care of these essential things. I can focus better at work and don't have to worry about what I'm gonna eat when I get home.

 

Its interesting what my neighbor said yesterday "I'm gonna save cooking for only after I'm married. There is no turning back after you are married Tinu. You can't run away from doing laundry, cooking, and cleaning. Why do you want to save money on food when you are single? Why do you want to kill yourself cooking for a week when you could use that time to go somewhere, do something fun and relaxing for yourself?" hmm... that does make sense, good point. I never thought about it this way. I like to cook for myself, for my friends and family. I love to try new recipes. I love to eat. I don't feel good about myself if I don't eat home-cooked meals. When I eat out, I tend to eat more than I normally would. I don't feel full easily when I eat out. Yes, things in the kitchen here are not perfect. Its a kitchenette than a proper kitchen. Yes, doing dishes by hand is tough. Not having an adjacent sink is rough, but I still can't afford to spend $70 or so on eating 2 meals out every week. Unless I'm super busy, super tired, I can't see myself doing that. I'm used to eating proper meals, tortilla/chapati (made out of whole wheat flour), steamed and seasoned vegetable dishes, lentil dishes. I don't regularly eat rice, just because I dont' care much for it. I make my protein shake. That keeps me going. But its interesting the perspective that she shared.

 

I'll go to Barnes and noble today to read since I have free time or complete painting the glass that I left half-way. Yesterday my other friend called and said that she felt terrible and didn't get out her bed until 5 pm. Even then, she struggled and she wont' be going with me today. She is eating here and there, not cooking proper meals, just gets something to eat at the fast-food place. I told her, that must be causing all this fatigue. I hope she got some rest. She told that she would sleep in today as well.

 

I brought myself sulfate-free Burts Bess shampoo and I need to wash my hair today. It doesn't lather much. So, I'm kinda unhappy about it, but atleast I know its natural shampoo. I flat ironed my hair last weekend. and I really liked the results. I dont' like to do that to my hair everytime though. Too much heat, use heat protectant, this and that. Really unnecessary unless I'm going somewhere special. I'll be putting some oil on my hair after airdrying it and that should be it. Nothing else for my hair today.

[LAYAAN]

My Irish friend invited me to go with her to her parents place for St. Patrick's day! I have been busy looking at some eye-make up for that. Hurray! I'd love to try some new eyeshadow on. Its fun! I'm looking forward to it.

[LAYAAN]

Since past 4 months or so, I have blended few essential oils into carrier oils and use the blend on my hair. This may sound strange to most women raised in western countries, but I wash my hair only once a week on weekend. I have naturally wavy, coarse, black hair which gets frizzy after I wash it with shampoo. My hair isn't very long. When straightened, it touches my bra-line on my back. I don't have a blow-dryer. I just let my hair air-dry after shampooing it.

I normally rub this oil on my scalp the night before I am going to wash my hair. Wear a shower cap and go to sleep. I also use a little bit of it on my ends after drying my hair. It makes it more managable.

So, the recipe is -

1 Tbsp jojoba oil

1 Tbsp grapeseed oil

These are carrier oils.

 

3 drops lavender oil

3 drops Rosemary oil

3 drops Atlas Cedar oil

3 drops Thyme oil

These are concentrated essential oils.

I add the carrier oils first followed by the essential oils in an amber colored glass bottle with a dropper. Swirl to mix or go up n down a few times using the dropper attachment. I bought all the oils and bottle at Clark's nutrition. The essential oils are costly about $8/1 fl. oz. bottle, but they last long. The smell can be overpowering if I go to school with it. I only add lavender oil with the base oils then, so the smell isn't that overwhelming.

[annie24]

eh, i like cooking too. i find it relaxing in some ways. i understand what your neighbor is saying, but if you enjoy cooking, then it's nice.

 

even if you go out to eat, you have to stand in line or wait for the waiter. plus, there are sooooo many calories in restaurant foods. it is so much cheaper and healthier to cook for yourself. when you go out to restaurants, they sneak butter in everywhere! i went to Chevy's recently, and there were only a few items on the menu under 1000 calories! (and they were the appetizers! even the salads were near or over 1000 calories!) sheeesh!

[LAYAAN]

Ya, I just pig out when I go out to eat. I can't seem to feel full at all. At some places, like you said, salads are also tricky. You feel like you are eating salad but the dressing kills you.

[LAYAAN]

Its surprising and sad, but recently I've been missing my ex, the fireman guy. Its been 3 months since we broke up. I wonder if he wanted to make things work or not. I just couldn't read him, I didn't know what he thought about me.

My friends, mom have been telling me not to "entertain" myself with such thoughts. I already have a lot on my plate with my PhD studies and my pharmacy studies. Plus one of the reasons of breaking up was "not knowing where he stood in terms of his desire to get married if he met the right person." Our common friend wants all of us to go sightseeing. She wants to invite him. I'm not sure how I'll react. I can't avoid talking to him, I can't really feel comfortable talking to him either. Its going to be very strange sitting in the same room with him.

[LAYAAN]

I stumbled on this thought-provoking yet fun-to-read webpage while browsing this morning.

link removed

Someone on ENA told me in his post yesterday that the reason why I'm unhappy is because I am not living my life the way I want it. I'm waiting for something to happen (which is ridiculous) like some angel coming down to tell me that I'll never get married and then I'll say "Okay well what do I do for next 50 years then until I die?" Then I'll form my bucket list and live the life I want... how stupid is that?

All you have is now. I seriously wonder why I act like some part of my brain has gone on sabbatical... I sometimes live in this lala land wanting to get married and hoping everything will be perfect after marriage. No, I need to start living and creating the life that I've always wanted. If marriage comes fine, if not, hey... not everyone gets what they want in their life. I need to seriously stop thinking no marriage = miserable life.

Yesterday, I read on wikipedia about Bryan Adams. Not only I like his music but I have so much respect for his work and talents. Look at that... look where the world is going, look how people are motivated, how people are living their life and making a difference in the lives of others and look at me... crying, being miserable.... uh.... I need to seriously chuck this attitude man... this ain't bringing me nothin...

 

To those on ENA who will read this part of my journal, do visit that webpage if you have a minute, they have a poem on there. I couldn't copy paste it here (not sure about the copyright act).

 

I washed my hair last night with a sulfate-free Burts Bees shampoo and it feels great now!

[LAYAAN]

I went to my friend's st. patricks day party and my ex was there. Why why... oh god....

and as if this wasn't bad enough, my car broke down, the coolant started leaking and I had to get it towed at 2 am. Our common friend asked my ex if he knew anything about cars. He came, looked at my car. I thanked him. We didn't talk other than that. Sat in the car on the back seat as far apart as we could. Why did it have to happen? I was already missing him and now this. As though seeing him at the party wasn't bad enough, I had to get help from him on my car. Life sucks!

[LAYAAN]

I didn't do anything yesterday. Well, pretty much nothing. Got a lot of work done on my car. Went to mall since I didn't have much to do besides waiting for them to tell me that my car was ready for pick up. Today I'll go again to see why my car failed the smog check. I hope to get the thing fixed today and if time permits, I'll get the smog certificate cleared and submitted to the DMV.

When I first came here and started interacting with people, I was surprised to hear people talk about how tiring they found to keep up with paying bills, taking care of chores. I wondered why should it be so tiring. Now I know why. One after the other, it just continues. I went to bed at 10 last night, was very tired. Now, up because I had a dream that I didn't pay off one of my bills and I panicked and logged in to my computer. Well, now since I'm up anyways, I'll go to school and check up on certain things.

[LAYAAN]

When I don't need to see my ex at all, when I need to focus only on my school and pharmacy studies, our common friend has invited me to go with them to visit the temples. My ex will be there in the group. I will be going for a 5K walk/run, my ex will be attending. I already saw my ex on St. Patrick's day party. We never discussed staying friends. We never spoke with each other, never emailed after we broke up. Now what am I expected to do in this situation? I can't all of a sudden act like a friend to him. I can't stop being friends with our common friend. I can't just ignore him when we are all sitting together in a group. I can't even look at him. I feel terrible inside. I don't know why. Should I just stop attending these events with her? Considering how lonely I feel these days, I might just end up asking him to get together and what is that gonna achieve? More heartache! He is who he is. Our problems were of more fundamental nature. What is getting back together really gonna achieve?

I really don't know what to do in this situation. I guess I should just keep quiet and not go anywhere he is even if that means not going out so much with our common friend.

[LAYAAN]

I was reading some content on introverted people. I'm an introvert. I just never realized it until I came to the US and started reading a little bit about psychology and exploring on my own.

Most of my life in India my maternal relatives (especially women) said to me 'you hate being around people' 'you hate being around us' 'you never sit down with us and talk'. Well the truth of the matter is that I'm that way. Also, since they constantly criticized me, I never wanted to mingle with them anyways. I would go and say hello, but I never felt like going and staying at their place. My mom is an extrovert. She is very comfortable being around her relatives and naturally so. I'm not. I don't mind visiting and staying just for a couple of hours and coming back, but I just can't see myself talking endlessly with any of my relatives. That's just too much. I remember the times when one of her loud sisters came to our home and said to me "What did you do with your life anyway? You can't do anything but study." I told this to my mom in a hope that she will defend me and tell her sister not to talk to me like that ever again. My mom never defended me. She has always been this coward woman who always clinged onto her relatives for support and help. As a result, my dad and me just drifted away. I stayed around as I had absolutely no choice even though it was miserable to stay in that house with my mom's anger, her relatives constantly pouring in and calling me names and watch my mom still be so friendly with them. Surprisingly, a few weeks ago when I called my mom, my anger and resentment about this issue just outflew. I told her that because of my dad not wanting to step up or not being able to step up and be a man enough, she constantly gave in to her relatives, no matter what they thought about her, how they treated her. As a result, she never thought about her child and husband well. Her husband left home for work, accepted working long hours, never stayed home even on weekends, when he would come home at night to eat, she nagged him even more, the vicious cycle continued. I on the other hand had no choice but to put up with all that. I had nowhere else to go. I never felt loved for, cared for. My parents when they were together, fought like mad cats. I've heard my mom say "I've to cook for you (plural). I can survive with rice." Really? Can you really survive with only plain boiled rice for the rest of your life? If you hated being a wife and a mom so much, if you hated performing a wife's and a mother's duties, why did you get married, why did you have a child? Oh yes, I remember the answer. She had a child out of loneliness. Her husband deserted her, left her alone at his big house. She had to fend for herself to the in-laws. He never protected her. He never cared for her. She used her relatives to get him to change. He never did. The way those women raised their voices at him, the words that they used, my dad put up stronger walls around himself and just kept running away from facing difficulties in their relationship.

I wrote in my prayer journal. I want to forgive my parents for bringing me into this world, but I really don't know if I can be a good daughter and perform my duties towards them.

[Bergamot]

Tinu, do you have siblings or you are the only child to your parents?

[LAYAAN]

My car broke down on the night of St. Patrick's day and I ended up staying longer for the party, had to trouble my friends. I feel bad. I normally don't stay for more than 2-3 hours at any party. It drains me. I hope next time I go to a party, my car doesn't break down and I can get home sooner.

[LAYAAN]

Tinu, do you have siblings or you are the only child to your parents?

no siblings. I'm the only child.

[LAYAAN]

My car started running normal. No coolant spilling all over and yes, it also passed the smog check. I got the registration renewed. Yay! just small small things here there can add up. I really hope that I don't have to do any work on my car for the rest of the year. I really had to get the coolant work done because its gonna get hot soon and I don't want my car to break down again in the heat somewhere. Its interesting how I've put in the same amount of money into my car as its purchasing price just to keep it running. And yes, I check tire pressure every month, don't leave junk in the trunk, get oil change every 3 months, get oil filter changed every 3 months, refill wiper fluid, refill coolant regularly, so I try to maintain my car in as decent condition as possible, but it still breaks down from time to time. I repair only those things that are obvious and that bother me. I still ended up putting in $2000 worth repairs into my car in just last 2 years. I sometimes wonder if it was a good decision to buy this car after all.

But what else could I do... I went with a private party seller which is good. No accidents were reported on the car. The mileage was very low only 60K. Yes, its a 1996 Ford so, I should have thought about it, but I didn't have a good budget either, so I think I made the best choice with whatever I had at that time.

Well, I sincerely hope that my car won't require any more repairing for this year at least.