Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

I have been attending a conference at Anaheim for last few days. It has been a wonderful experience, got to meet some people, attended a lot of career workshops and learned about a lot of resources.

Very useful experience! whether I choose to go the research route or not.

[LAYAAN]

I have been driving for last few days for about 2-3 hours/day and got some time to reflect on my life. It hit me hard how much time I wasted thinking about marriage, worrying about marriage, wondering why men turned me down, feeling jealous of those who got hitched.... what did it achieve me? nothing... oh well, it achieved me something. I got desperate, felt lonely and got myself involved with a man who was a diabetic, insecure, and was in UK. Who in his right mind would do something as stupid as this? but hey, I did. I failed in my core class in PhD, came very close to dropping out of the program. I'm not saying that I've let go of my marriage anxiety now, but I'm much wiser now than I was when I was 25.

 

Why is it that we only get wiser as we age? Why can't we learn ahead of time? Why couldn't I learn from someone else's mistakes? Why did I need to make these mistakes myself and learn the lessons the hard way? Is it wrong to expect that your parents are wiser than you and would share some of their wisdom and take you under their wing and guide you? Why didn't my parents do that? I think too much... I ask strange Qs that have no answers, I guess.

 

No matter what... the personal growth that I've experienced during my stay in the US, going through a rough PhD program is immense. I would want to complete my PhD, but even if I don't get it, I'd still be very thankful for this experience. I don't think I'd have had any opportunity before to learn this much about life and myself. I would be just same dumb person that I was few years back had I stayed in India and married someone according to my parents' wishes.

[LAYAAN]

I submitted our manuscript today. Well, looks like next 4 weeks, I'll be praying and fasting hoping that my God looks at me with mercy. I don't know what else to do. At least 1 task is over, not completely done with yet. We will just have to see what the reviewers are gonna say about it. Really keeping my fingers crossed. Can't explain how anxious I am.

[annie24]

good luck, i hope the manuscript is accepted!!

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Annie, I hope so too.

[LAYAAN]

I sometimes don't know what is wrong with me. I feel ashamed of myself to admit here that

1) I have been shopping too much (constantly buying makeup)

2) eating out too much

3) spending time wondering why I'm not married (I hate myself for wasting time thinking over this)

4) worrying what my future holds

5) watching TV too much in the evening, until I get tired and then fall asleep

6) arguing with my parents about marriage and coming back to India.

7) not studying at all

8] did not exercise last week at all

I see my books in front of me everyday. I tell myself I'll start tomorrow, I'll start today, nothing. The only good thing I'm doing for myself is that I'm taking my pills regularly.

Honestly, I feel like I'm looking at love as some sort of an escape. Escape from stress, some sorta refuge where I can just rest and be myself and I'm living in this fantasy land that someone will love me for who I'm. My heart craves for affection and love. I see women around me getting married, having babies. Not me... sometimes it feels like I'm good for nothing. Why can't I just get married and produce kids with a man? What is so wrong with me? God... there I go again. My head just keeps thinking and going around the same mountain. Why can't I just let it go?

 

I got an email from a guy my mom sent my way. He is in India. Seems like a decent man, is educated. In my reply to him, I wrote that I am currently hard pressed for time. I'm juggling pharmacy and PhD at the same time. I'm undecided on where to settle. So, when I come back to India, I'll get in touch with you. That is one good thing I did for myself. I just don't think that its wise for me to get emotionally involved with anyone at this time when I don't know where I'll land up.

 

Well, I called my current psychologist and left a message that I've been told to see someone else. Its mandatory in their system for patients to do that. I hope so tomorrow I can call the other psychologist and get an appointment with him.

 

There is so much work that needs to be done and I'm just roaming around entertaining myself. Who does that type of nonsense?

[LAYAAN]

Yesterday (Saturday) and today (Sunday) I went to visit new places around my city with a group, walked about 4 miles during each visit. Took pictures, felt great!

I made a new rice dish today. It turned out good.

[LAYAAN]

I could not stop thinking about some women I know yesterday as I was doing my daily chores in the evening.

1) My distant brother's wife

2) My cousin sister's friend

3) My cousin sisters (both)

4) My friend's cousin sister

All these women are highly educated. They got their degree in India, got married to men who were settled outside India, never worked a day in their life. Now they are homemakers. Their life is so much easier than my life and my cousin brother's wife's life. I see her and I working constantly. I'm single so I'm in a much better position. She is married with a kid. She takes care of all the household work, gets her son ready for school, sits him for homework after school, goes to work.

I can't stop thinking... why? Life is much easier if you just assume the role of a homemaker. As I look around myself, working women have a tough life. They have to work, they have to pay attention to the family's needs and be there for the family, cook meals, take care of household chores. Why do we put ourselves through this? So, we can get pseudo-satisfaction that we are using our degrees? that we made something out of ourselves? Is all this running around and exhausting ourselves to be superwoman really worth it?

I see how easy my distant cousin brother's wife's life is. She is Bachelor in Commerce and has a double MBA. The girl got married right out of her 2nd MBA. My cousin made it clear to her that she won't be allowed to work in the US. She came here, sat home, cooked, cleaned, had fun. Now she is in Singapore with her husband and child. She has no stress of trying to juggle work and home. She doesn't curse herself when her child falls behind in studies at school.

The more and more I'm looking at the contrast of life between her and my other cousin brother's wife who is in India, working her butt off... I just want to get married to man who would take care of all the financial matters and I want to take it easy now on. Irrespective of your education, in marriage, I'll be required to function as a good wife, good mom. Why should I put more stress on myself to be good at my career and be a good at homefront? Let the husband take care of me, provide for me and my child. I have no desire to study ahead or use my degree. I know the power struggle that my parents had. I know how hard my mom worked to provide for me and how bad she felt at times to order food from outside because she was too exhausted to prepare meals. I'm not saying that all women who are homemakers have it easy. May be they have their own challenges. Some of 'em may envy working moms... I don't know, but their life seems so much easier. I'm going to look for a man like that... who will provide for me and my child and won't require that I go for work. I'll just take care of household activities, produce a baby and call it the end man... I'm too tired of running this race. I'm only exhausting myself.

[annie24]

sure, but look at what they give up. they don't choose where to live, they don't have the satisfaction of doing something with their degrees. i mean, why bother getting a graduate education if you're not going to use it? i'm in a field i am passionate about. i'm sure that even if i won the lottery tomorrow i would still go back to work. i'm not doing this PhD for the money.

 

i wouldn't want to be in a position where all i do is cook, clean, take care of the kids, day in and day out. i enjoy having a job in science.

[LAYAAN]

I ran into my old friend. She used to live on the same floor of dorm when I first came to school. We were sitting and talking. She said that her friend from dentistry school tried to set her up with the same Indian guy from dentistry school that I went out on date with. She turned him down because she felt something strange about him - he seemed like he was in a rush to find a girl friend and had dated every single south-Asian girl from the dorm. I felt like an ass for going out even on 1/2 hour date with this man. That tells me where my standards have come down to. Going out with a man who is so focused on getting a girlfriend that he wouldn't even give me a chance to think.

If a girl does what this man did... that is low behavior, but if a guy is on a mission to find a gf, and that too he is studying to become a dentist... oh my... he is walking God on earth. How dare you turn him down? Our society clearly has 2 standards when it comes to men and women looking for love. If a woman says "I'm just looking to get married, settle down, and start a family" then stay away from her. If a man says the same, see how family oriented the guy is, see he is even willing to make a commitment. Noone wants to stop for a second and ask "Why is he in such a rush to get married?" God forbid if the guy has money, what is wrong with his being in rush to settle down? If a girl goes out on 3-4 dates/week, she is desperate. If a guy does that... oh, he just wants to connect with someone. What is so wrong with that?

We live in a strange society... I'm not talking about cultural differences here. If I'm facing this nonsense living in the US, there is no place for me to run, no country for me hide in and hope that things will be better there. As I'm growing older, I'm realizing that there is no equality. You can marry a decent man and come closer to that equality utopia, but you will never get this equality in marriage. Surrender to a man who is worth surrendering to, because at the end of the day, you will need to surrender to someone. Might as well go with a man who is really worthy of all that arrogance.

[LAYAAN]

I have come down with cold. I went to school only half day yesterday. Came home. I got some time to reflect as I was lying in my bed, sneezing and coughing.

 

Where is all my anger and frustration in arranged marriage system coming from?

1) Its hurt n pain caused by rejection.

2) feeling that I wasn't given enough time and opportunity to prove that I'm a good person and I have what it takes to make marriage successful.

3) I stooped and listened to all the nasty, unnecessary comments and Qs that these men threw at me. In everyday life, I would not take such Qs sitting down. I would ask a few Qs back in response to such comments/Qs. I would ask

"That is interesting that you ask that Q. What makes you say something like this?"

 

"I'm sorry, I don't discuss finances and careers during 1st meeting. I'm looking to see if I enjoy spending time with a man, if I like being with him, if I feel like we have enough commonalities, and then I'd consider talking about the business aspect of marriage, who is bringing what to table. Does that approach work for you? If it doesn't and you want to know what I'm bringing to the table first, then we are approaching marriage from 2 different perspectives. I wish you good luck."

When I listened and listened and didn't tell them where I was coming from and what I'm looking for, I only kept getting more and more of those business Qs. Now, I'm angry and hurt and feel bad because I didn't give them a piece of my mind. When I went to meet these men, I went with no preparation. I wasn't serious about the meeting and what I was going to discuss with them. My approach was like "whatever comes my way" That is wrong.

 

Now on,

I'll ask smart Qs during phone conversations.

I'll see a man only after talking with him on phone about important things.

If I sense that he is stalling our meeting, I'll email him about my priority of meeting in firm words and not waste my time talking on phone with him.

I will not take nonsensical financial Qs sitting down. I'll politely ask Qs to find out what they are looking for when they ask such Qs. Are they merely trying to make a conversation or they are really looking to find out some information? I'll not assume. I'll not take such Qs as a personal attack against me. These Qs show who these men are and where their priorities are. This is nothing to do with me, but I'll not take these Qs sitting down anymore.

[penelope13]

Tinu, I think you see marriage as an escape from all your problems, fears, anxieties. But somehow you know that this will not make you happy, and that you actually would like to find someone to start a romantic relationship/ marriage with a lot of time to get to know the person and figure out what you want to do in your own life. Of course these two things can't coexist. Knowing (subconsciously) that you are trying to accomplish two incompatible things makes you angry and essentially sabotages you to even accomplish one of your goals: finishing your degree.

 

I am not sure when/ if you experienced a day without feeling pressure either to get married or about your degree. The marriage thing is not something that is only in your power (you need to find the right guy after all), but the degree is much more in your power.

 

I can only stress that it would be much healthier for you to solely focus on this for the time being. Let's be honest here: your quest for marriage is not going to be successful anyway while you are in this state of mind, you might as well admit that to yourself and focus all your energy on getting your PhD.

[LAYAAN]

Hello Penny,

Thank you for your comment. I'm sorry to know that my content here is making you angry. I appreciate your pointing out certain things to me.

Let me address it.

1) Focusing on finishing my education - I'm trying to focus on getting my degree. I really am. I'm sorry if it doesn't appear that way. I'm trying to deal with this confusion, anger and hurt that I've stored inside me and I'm writing about this in my journal as and when these thoughts seem to pull me down.

 

2) 2 processes can't coexist - I have realized that getting to know a man and seeing if I find him compatible and then getting married is the road that I want to take. I understand that that's a longer route to marriage and won't happen in arranged marriage. I have that part down. I'm not questioning that. What I'm asking is why am I not given another opportunity? What is it that jumped out from only 1st meeting to these men that convinced them that I wasn't the one? What is it that we discussed in the 1st meeting that my profile didn't address?

I think its very much natural to have such Qs, when someone slams the door in your face. You can't help but ask yourself why? You are left to search for answers on your own when no feedback is ever provided.

 

3) Penny, I'm struggling to quiet my mind, accept what happened in the past, gain wisdom from this and move on. That is the reason why I'm asking these Qs. I'm searching for answers. I believe that knowledge of the reasons will set me free. Not going on dates will not do that. Sure, it will not add any more burden to the existing issue. I get that, but that is already taken care of. I've pulled my profile off EH. I'm only a free member on the matrimonial website. I somehow succeeded in convincing my mom not to become a paid member. I didn't get back together with my fireman ex. I really am doing what I can.

 

I'm struggling to find answers to why I wasn't given a second chance? How to reach a stage of acceptance and regain my confidence and peace of mind? so I can focus on things that are in my control with full emotional energy. I hate being drained by my own thoughts.

[penelope13]

Tinu,

 

I am not sure why you think that I am angry? I think you are projecting your feelings onto me.

 

I don't know exactly what you mean that you weren't given a second chance, but I assume that your frustration/ anger/ anxiety shows somehow when you are on a date.

 

I also want to ask you something: have you never turned down anyone on those sites that you felt (for one reason or another) are not compatible with you? I am sure you did not turn down those guys because of a personal grudge/ personal vendetta against that particular individual. Don't you think this is why some guys have decided that you might not be compatible for them, no sinister motivation behind it?

[LAYAAN]

oops, did I misinterpret what you wrote Penny...?

"Knowing (subconsciously) that you are trying to accomplish two incompatible things makes me angry and essentially sabotages you to even accomplish one of your goals: finishing your degree."

[LAYAAN]

Tinu,

I am not sure why you think that I am angry? I think you are projecting your feelings onto me.

I don't know exactly what you mean that you weren't given a second chance, but I assume that your frustration/ anger/ anxiety shows somehow when you are on a date.

I also want to ask you something: have you never turned down anyone on those sites that you felt (for one reason or another) are not compatible with you? I am sure you did not turn down those guys because of a personal grudge/ personal vendetta against that particular individual. Don't you think this is why some guys have decided that you might not be compatible for them, no sinister motivation behind it?

Yes, you are right. Here are my straight Qs. A person can look for anything in their partner, absolutely anything. That is their personal taste. I get that. I'm not questioning it.

All I'm saying is this... (Please be honest with me if you think my thinking is unrealistic)

- If you are really looking for someone who has a job, why are you asking that I meet you? I have made it crystal clear in my profile that I am going to school and that I don't have a job.

- If you are looking for a woman who is in recession-proof profession, and you don't think that I'm in such profession, why are you asking me to meet you? and then throwing this Q at me and rejecting me because I'm not in such profession (according to you)?

- If you are looking for a woman who has a job in your city, why are you asking me to meet you? and then turn me down.

- If you are looking for a woman who has no loans even after getting a professional degree, (that's rare) and if my having loans is a deal-breaker for you, why would you wait to ask me that Q in person? Its a technical Q and you should ask me that on phone, instead of asking me that Q in person and then turning me down because I have loans.

 

Tell me how to not hold a grudge, tell me how to not feel hurt when you have written an honest profile, people approach you, ask you same Qs over n over and turn you down. How should I not take that personally? I'm being honest. If you don't think I have what you are looking for, don't ask me to meet you. Now, chemistry reasons... I get that part. You feel a certain way about me, after looking at my photos. You don't feel the same attraction after meeting me in person. Alright, but when you turn me down for career and finance reasons, I can't get that. When you read my profile, meet me, what are you hoping for? that I'll give you some different answers in person from my profile? And when I get angry, these men say "Oh, she has anger issues." Well, ya, you are wasting my time and asking me same Qs hoping to get different answers. Of course, I'll get mad.

[penelope13]

big ooooops: meant to say, makes YOU angry

 

Sorry!!!!, will edit it

[LAYAAN]

alright... no worries.

[LAYAAN]

Its hitting me hard that I'm turning 32 soon. I can still recollect this incident. In 2007, my 3rd PI called me and said, if you want to switch to my lab you can do that. I will take care of your stipend, you will get to work on the project in an area you like. I promise, you will graduate by 2010. I didn't take offer, because I was hopeful that my 1st paper would get accepted soon and I won't be here after 2009. In 2007, the thought of turning 32-33 and still not being married freaked me. Now I'm almost there and I'm wondering hmm... I'm still alive.

 

I really would like to get married in a year or so. I don't want to have a child after 35. That leaves me only 2 years to enjoy my marriage. I don't want to be alone anymore. I just am tired of struggling to find a decent man.

I know some regular visitors (and I appreciate their guidance) to my journal won't like my saying this. I just want to settle now. Why wait? What is waiting gonna achieve me? more gray hair, love handles, freckled skin, and desperation? Come on... I've already waited too long. I don't know what to wait for. There are no better quality men anyways. Even these ones would be taken up in a year or so and I may end up alone with cats. I don't know which one is better: living alone wishing you had settled or actually settling and wondering what if you had waited. The truth of the matter is that I'm tired of coming to an empty home. I am tired of being single. I'm tired of taking pills for my anxiety. I'm tired of meeting men hoping that this time would be the last time. Its natural to be anxious at this age. Its not that I'm 16 and wanting to run away and get married.

I want a husband. No, its not about sex. My pill makes me feel nothing in that area even when I'm in my early 30s. My hormones are asleep probably, hopefully not dead. I want companionship. I don't want to end up alone. I can't focus on studying because of all this. I just want to quit school. Whats the use of studying? I fear that by waiting any longer, there will be noone left for me. Every man will be taken. Why has my life come down to this point that I no longer appreciate it? and want to tie the knot and feel everything is worthless without that? I don't know, but this yearning isn't going away.

[LAYAAN]

Recently, I've had some not so good experiences with some of the meetup groups that I'm a regular member of.

1) I went out of my way to carpool with this man. Since we are not friends, I just assumed that he would contribute with gas money since I picked him up right outside his home and dropped him back. My fault is that I didn't make it explicitly clear. After I dropped him off at his home, he said, "Well, what are you doing tomorrow?" this and that. Didn't pay me anything for gas.

2) This man said that he wants to go tomorrow to Oceanside where our group is going.

I said "Sure, I can pick you up at your house if you are comfortable sharing your address or some other place where you want me to pick you up. Also, if you are comfortable sharing your phone no, I can call you just in case I don't find you since its a new area for me. I'm a student so would you be willing to share gas money if you ride in my car?"

He said "Well, pick me up at the grocery store. No wait, pick me up at the hot dog place."

I said "Well, I don't know the hot dog place, either you give me the address of the place, or we can meet at the grocery store since its a major landmark there."

He started hesitating.

I said "My preference would be to leave around 7:30 because I'm picking up 2 more people, so really to get to the freeway, and the one-way drive is 1 hour, its Sunday morning, I would like to give us some time buffer to drive safely and reach a few minutes early."

Him "Well, I can't get ready at 7:30. I'm thinking more around 8 am. Its okay. Don't worry, I'll just drive on my own."

 

If you are getting together with other people, how do you expect to go everything your way? Honestly, after these experiences, I'll not carpool with unreasonable people. Really. Its not worth it.

[annie24]

if he has his own car and would rather leave at 8 AM, then he should drive himself. problem solved.

[LAYAAN]

What you say is right. I don't care what he does. The group leader asked me to email him since he told her that he is looking to carpool.

[LAYAAN]

I wrote something recently on the other posts and I was thinking about it.

 

Issue - I have low self-respect. I can be a pushover. I have a hard time standing up for myself. I'm afraid that the other person would get angry and I would affect my working relationship with the other person. I have been pushed over. I have been mistreated. I hold anger and resentment in my heart and I can't find peace. I feel like taking revenge but I don't know how.

 

Background - The main reason why I feel scared to stand up for myself is how I was raised. I am the only child of my parents. I went to all girls school. I was bullied there. I used to come home and cry. My parents were in a very unhappy marriage. My father sorta abandoned my mom and me because he was tired of my mother's nagging, her overbearing nature. He wanted to just stay away. He would sometimes come to our city on weekends. He would stay outside, visit his friends this that, all day and come home at night. As a result, my mom was left to defend herself in the big family house full of in-laws. She became very angry, bitter. If I would say anything, she would get mad at me, hit me. Sometimes she would not even talk to me for days. I was very young but I still could sense the tension in the air. I learned to stay away from her. I learned to not get her angry. I learned not to even defend my position because no one could reason with her. She is much more calm now than when she was in her 30s and 40s. My mom constantly said things like "If I had never had you I would have filed for divorce and freed myself." As a result, I turned into this timid, coward person.

 

I took the same personality into the outside world. Life up to grade 10 wasn't as bad. I was busy with studying and extra curricular activities and didn't need to interact with anyone else. Junior college (grade 11 and 12) was again not bad at all. I kept to myself. I didn't need to interact with anyone. I surrounded myself with books, studied very hard.

 

As I entered pharmacy school (which is 4 year school, right after grade 12 in India), other girls started making fun of me. I never ran after any boy in our class. I had a good figure. I guess I looked decent. I didn't care about what other boys in my class were thinking. I was only busy with studies. A fat girl constantly picked on me. She was someone I considered my friend and she constantly said "Oh, look at me how healthy I'm. I immediately gain weight when I eat. Not like you." I was frugal because my parents paid heavily for the school and reminded me of that at every instance. I was a bright student, only if I studied, not otherwise. I was afraid of failing and having to repeat the entire school year. I never mingled with other girls. There was a lot of groupism and jealousy. I was frugal with my money. I used to take lunch from home. Sometimes I would have extra money which was just $10 or so.

One of the major complains I have about the pharmacy school I went to is that they have a dysfunctional library. Simply useless. I don't know about the schools in the US, but I attended medical school courses here and I was completely swept by the fact that every student got the same material from the school. If they ran out of copies, the teacher emailed the copy or made a photocopy for the student after the class, etc. I really appreciate that. If I'm paying the same tuition as everyone else, I'm entitled to the study material. Makes sense. Even though I went to private pharmacy school, things were very much messy. The teachers were not competent. They would teach from this book, that book, they would only give 1 copy of their lectures and handouts to someone in the class and if you didn't belong to a group, its almost sure that you never got to see what that copy looked like. Sometimes some rich students would quickly go to a nearby photocopy shop and make copies for themselves and their group members. This fat girl and some more girls belonged to a group. I wasn't officially a member of that group, but I just said hello or whatever and smiled, etc. I still remember how those girls would say in raised voices "You are here with us, you have money or not?" I would just listen and say "Yes, I have money." Sometimes, I would take the teacher's copy to the photocopy shop and make copies for everyone from that group. Sure, I felt used. I felt disrespected, but it was about survival. It was about passing and getting through, and staying on top of the game.

 

The reason why I mention this is because I never stood up for myself. When you stand up for yourself to a group of girls that mean, be ready for consequences. They were physically stronger than me. They were financially stronger than me. They had connections with teachers and technicians, etc. They were good at butt-kissing. I had nothing. As a result I used to listen to a lot of nonsense from these girls and try to calm myself down and tell myself to stay focused.

 

I carried the same personality into the marriage market, when my parents started looking for men through arranged marriage process. A lot of men treated me unfairly. Some men said words that hurt me deep inside. I never said anything because I didn't want to get a bad name in the market. People spread bad words about you. Believe it or not. Girls are especially vulnerable. Again, its just culture. Boys get married no matter what they say/do. When I look back I feel why did I take all that nonsense on? I really want to email each and every single man who has said unkind words to me that have hurt me so I can free myself from this burden. I can look at myself and feel proud that I stood up for myself. I don't know what to do about the past incidents, but now on, I'm at least standing up for myself. I'm really proud of myself for that.

[LAYAAN]

I went for a 4.5 mile hike on Saturday and a 9.5 mile hike on Sunday.

I came home dead tired on Sunday. It was a lot of fun.

[LAYAAN]

Coming Sunday I agreed to go some place where my ex would be there too. I really hope to keep my visit short and sweet and hope to my behavior civil. It is so hard not to think about him. I miss my ex. I keep wondering if I made the right decision by letting him go or not. Its especially bad now, since I'm all alone. I sometimes wish what if I had continued to be with my ex. We would be together now in a relationship for 8 something months and probably talking engagement, who knows?