Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

I have no answer Annie. I am clearly not ready to answer those Qs. I'm beaten down enough already by Qs that some guys asked me. To be honest, I also want an opportunity to get up when such Qs start and leave so I feel satisfaction of that I've taken revenge. I'm deeply hurt by these Qs.

When I shared these experiences and these Qs with my psychologist, he said "Sounds like a job interview more than getting to know the person. But then again, where do you draw a line and say this is enough? I don't think you should take it personally. I will tell you why. Do you want to be with a man who asks these Qs hoping that you are meeting to decide compatibility for marriage? Doesn't this show where his priorities are? Why are you not thankful instead that they revealed themselves through the Qs they asked you? Why are you hurting that they rejected you? Why do you want acceptance from men like this? The answer to that Q is I think you are so desperate for marriage that even though you don't like such Qs and hence the character of these men, you just want out of the market so much that you are willing to settle and go with such men. You need to ask yourself what you desire in a man. You need to tell yourself, this is where I'll draw the line and won't go below this no matter what. If you do happen to get married to a man like this, he may not allow you to leave your job for any reason because he made it clear that that is his priority. You need to ask yourself if you are comfortable with that? Why are you angry that they asked YOU these Qs? This is what they are looking for. They are trying to see if you have it. If you don't, they want to move on which is fair. They are allowed to look for what they want. You are allowed to look for what you want. If its not matching, you should be glad that things didn't work out. I hope you find some comfort in what I just said."

[LAYAAN]

I walked around my block for 4.1 miles and completed it in 1 hour 7 minutes.

[penelope13]

Tinu, you are only setting yourself up for more hurt, disappointment, and anger. Unless you really know what you are truly looking for, you will get upset about each guy that you'll meet, even the "perfect" one, without even knowing why you are getting angry or who you are getting angry with (I think these guys are only the trigger, but in truth you are angry about the situation/ culture that has put you in a situation where you feel you can't be yourself and chose your own schedule in life).

 

 

How is the MoodGym going?

[annie24]

But tinu I think you are taking the qs too personally. Get revenge??? Why? People ask me those qs all the time, friends neighbors, profs.... Just last week, my weight watchers team leader asked when I was graduating and what I was going to do with it. People ask because they are curious. On a date a guy wants to know what your plan is and where he fits into that plan. I think you should work on being less hurt and defensive.

[LAYAAN]

Lately I have been thinking about this arranged marriage market (AMM) that I've gotten myself into. I think that I would be better off trying the western way of dating with some boundaries and here are my reasons

1) Considering my age, I'm not left with much choice in AMM to pick and choose. It would be more like whoever is left and finds me good/decent enough. Whereas in the US lot of men who were into their careers, schools etc. would get married in their mid-late 30s, even 40s, such men are likely to be self-mad and would be able to understand my hardworking nature more than Indian men.

2) Considering my take on having kids and traveling, an American man would most likely understand and associate, whereas with an Indian man it would be "What the heck are you talking about?"

3) American men are most likely to marry for love, happiness, companionship than for money (I hope so, though I don't know for sure, everyone is different). With Indian men I will not even have a chance to discuss the possibility of taking break from work (at least the ones that I've met)

4) My biggest problem is marriage. So, I run for the hills if I sense that the guy is not marriage-minded. I feel bad for how brutally I cut my fireman ex off, because he answered the Q "marriage? may be, someday" instead of "marriage? yes, definitely, if I meet the right person and if she feels that way too." He told me that a being together for a couple of years would give him a good idea to think about marriage with that person. He wasn't entirely wrong, I guess, my anxiety took over everything. I need to trust that men in the US do get married, not all, but most do. So I need to see to it that I meet a man who will commit if he comes accross the right person. I should not be afraid that I'll meet the non-marriage minded guy.

5) I need to overcome my anxiety and desperation for marriage. I think that was the major factor that killed my relationship with the fireman ex. I can't serve 2 masters 1) men in AMM and 2) men in dating market at the same time. Both processes are different and I can't hurry men to marry me. I need to give them enough time to make a decision.

[annie24]

Where does your education fit into this plan?

[LAYAAN]

I'm sorry, I didn't exactly get your Q. Can you please elaborate?

You mean where does my education fit into AMM?

[annie24]

Well like we've talked about you are putting all this emphasis on getting married. You are obsessed. But you don't seem to be obsessing over finishing school and the exams.

[LAYAAN]

You are right. I have some problem. I should be focused on my exams and finishing grad school which has already been such a long journey. I have my priorities all mixed up. I need to fix that.

1) Passing pharmacy exams

2) finishing grad school

3) getting a job

4) losing weight and gaining back healthy lifestyle

 

should really be the priorities. What the heck is my problem? God... its like I just don't get it.

[marshmlofluff]

Tinu--I reached the same conclusion, for exactly the same reasons as you. I have had much better interactions with men outside the arranged market. Yes, I have had my heart broken numerous times, but honestly I am happier failing outside the AMM than I probably would be succeeding within it.

 

Your ex'es answer to your question is not standard. If I were to ask my present BF what he thinks of marriage, should he meet the right person, he is all for it.

 

And yes--I also would say focus on finishing the PhD right now--afterwards, you are free. But should an opportunity arise to meet someone, do not put your personal life completely on hold. You are very pretty, and you are in school still; there are a lot of people around and I am sure you probably do meet people. If, while taking the time to do things you enjoy, or working out, or whatever, you happen to meet someone--that is fantastic.

 

And yes, in my experience you will make your life much easier and improve your odds of meeting someone a lot if you widen your dating pool by removing as many restrictions as you can.

[LAYAAN]

Hello Marsh, How are you? I was thinking about you today. I forgot what context ... I'll come back to it when I recollect.

Thank you for your message. I appreciate it.

I'm kinda surprised that you got to see my photo here. I thought I had it up for a very short time. That is one of the decent pictures. I'm really just average-looking. It is the skill of the photographer I should say, but thank you for your compliment.

[marshmlofluff]

Hello Marsh, How are you? I was thinking about you today. I forgot what context ... I'll come back to it when I recollect.

Thank you for your message. I appreciate it.

I'm kinda surprised that you got to see my photo here. I thought I had it up for a very short time. That is one of the decent pictures. I'm really just average-looking. It is the skill of the photographer I should say, but thank you for your compliment.

 

Hi Tinu! I haven't been posting much here; I am still extremely wary of eNA since the policy changes that mean I cannot edit and delete posts.

 

But when I do post, I will have a lot to say--quite a bit has been going on for me careerwise and personally!

 

Yes, I did see your picture. Anyway photographer or not, I think it was very pretty!

 

 

[LAYAAN]

I watching Grey's Anatomy today.

Something in there reminded me of the men I have dated and men that I went on dates with. My 1st ex has a PhD and an ego to match that degree. My 2nd ex, I think, completed high-school (I didn't ask) and I think he has an ego that would match I don't know what degree, but that's not the point. Every single man I've come accross, just by the nature of his gender, irrespective of his education, his common sense, his job, how good/bad of a person he is has revealed his big ego to me.

 

I am someone sweet, kind-hearted, certainly not in the rat race. Things didn't work out with anyone and I'm still single. I can't stop thinking what makes a man have this type of ego? What makes a man feel like he is deserving? What made these men feel threatened to go out with me? I didn't mention a thing about my PhD other than 1-time information in my profile. I never remember bragging about it. My fireman ex bragged about his house, his salary (or more like his earning potential with overtime) to me. He expressed concern that he has to be wise in choosing a woman because he doesn't want to lose his house and his salary to her (thank you for making it clear to me).

 

I have seen female students getting poor treatment from male professors in their PhD program. I've seen male professors interacting differently with male students and cutting them some slack in the same program. My father is a wuss. He bowed down to everyone outside, he came home, he acted differently and barked at my mom. Why? I could never figure.

 

You deal with competition at work. You deal with same nonsense at home. Where do you go to find love, compassion, acceptance, forgiveness? Why can't a man just be a loving human with his wife/GF? Why bring that ego into relationship? No wonder some women turn to women for love.

[LAYAAN]

I got an email from my mom. She was away for a while. I called her today and talked very briefly (I didn't intend to) with her. She asked me if I cared to send my resume to one of the research institutes there. I said no, I'm too busy for it now. Long moment of silence from both sides... finally I said something and she said "okay, go on" I mumbled some words. I don't remember what.

My parents have been constantly asking me to come back to India. These are their reasons.

1) You are our only child. Who is going to look after us?

2) We have property in India. Its all going to you anyways. You think you will be able to earn all this in the US? Don't come back after we lose it all in family court cases. You will regret it. Try getting a job, if you can't. You at least have enough to rent out some apartments that we own and you can live a happy life without doing a thing.

3) So you think you are actually going to get married in the US to an American/Indian boy? We have been trying fruitlessly since last 5 years for you to marry an Indian boy settled there. You know what challenges you have faced. There are still eligible men here. You should come back before the market here dries up.

4) You will at least be in the 1 flight distance away no matter where you live in India for work/marriage. We can come sometime to stay with you. That won't be possible if you continue to live in the US. I tried to tell her that visiting regularly no matter where I live in India would still be difficult. I can still come to see you once in a while even if I stay here. It still would be

5) Are you sure you are going to get a job in the US? Are you sure you are going to get a visa in the US?

 

I am seriously thinking of writing a letter in my language to my parents, since sorting this out on phone has been futile. They don't listen, they get angry, frustrated. I hope to pour my heart out in the letter. I just want to state very clearly what I'm going through. I would get satisfaction that I tried my best from my side.

[penelope13]

You know what Tinu, you will not succeed to convince your parents that a different life style/ life is right for you, unless you have lived it and shown them. It's tough since you are still completely emotionally dependent on them and in many ways you have not found yourself (sorry to be so direct). But the only chance that you have to find happiness is to shut yourself off emotionally from them, i.e. not let anything they say/ do/ the pressure and expectations they put on you get into your conscious mind.

 

You should focus on your education first, then on sorting out your emotions. Only then will you be able to truly figure out what it is that you want and you will become the best person that you can possibly be, someone that is attractive to yourself and that will attract others.

 

Once you are there, it will be easier for you to make the right decision for yourself in respect to career, relationship, moving back to India or not.

 

You really have to start by becoming emotionally/ mentally an adult as your therapist suggested. Currently you are all over the place, your emotions are all over the place, thus your thoughts are all over the place and you are not able to even define your priorities let alone stick to them.

 

Writing a letter to your parents and letting out all your emotions will not be really beneficial to you. You can't change who your parents are (how can you expect to change them, if you haven't change yourself first?), you can't expect them all of a sudden to understand you, since they have never been torn between 2 cultures. They can also not "rescue" you and make the decisions for you.

 

I've grown up very close/ too close to my parents as well and felt the need to move away to find myself. It's not easy, it's scary, if you are used to completely rely on them and think they are the authority in everything important in life. But they are not. You are the authority, the only authority in YOUR life.

 

By becoming emotionally independent doesn't mean that you are abandoning your parents, it just means you are taking the time to become an independent you. Afterwards it will be so much easier for you to find the balance between being there for your family and living your own life.

 

Have you continued to visit the MoodGym?

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Penny.

I'll write you back in response to your message.

Moodgym is going great. I'm working on the feelings module.

[LAYAAN]

I realized after doing some exercises on Moodgym that I've a negative way of looking at things. I anticipate that something will go wrong. I sorta just wait to hear the bad news. I learned that from today's exercise. I will change my attitude because the current attitude is not serving me one bit.

[LAYAAN]

From Moodgym "Misery and depression usually arise from internal criticism (I’m hopeless, useless, unlovable, etc).

 

Anger is often produced by thinking that external situations should be better. For example, the world should work differently, life should be fairer, I should not be misjudged, it is not reasonable, they should understand my point of view, etc.

 

Anger is often only displayed where the person feels in a powerful position or at least in an equal position. For example, parents often get angry with children…people are reticent to get too grumpy at their boss (at least openly).

[LAYAAN]

I had to talk to my boss about my tentative date of graduation regarding immigration purpose.

Me "The chair has asked me to ask you what would be my tentative finishing date?"

Him "If this paper (the one we sent about a month ago) doesn't get turned down/gets accepted with only a few corrections, we (the committee) is going to try and push you out by Summer end."

Me "You mean this summer end?"

Him "Yes, You have collected and analyzed the data for your 2nd paper, start writing that. Your proposal is almost ready. I think its quite possible if you push yourself. Well, let me ask you "What do You think?""

Me "My only concern is the possible corrections on the submitted paper."

Him "Don't worry about it. The journal is not high ranking and we have taken care of most of the questions from the reviewers of the higher ranking journal we previously sent the paper to."

Me "Definitely, thank you so much. I appreciate it."

 

I'm speechless. I wasn't expecting to hear this at all. Moreover, the boss and my 2nd PI who has much higher position in school agree on the plan. Am I dreaming?

 

Now, my task is to really stay focused. Live in the lab and get the work done. I need to form a study calendar and just keep plugging away. I don't know what the fate of my paper is going to be, but to see the boss supportive of my graduating is something that I had not expected at all.

 

I wanted to share with this Annie, Penny, Marsh and other regular readers of my posts and journal. I want to thank you all (especially Annie, Penny, Marsh) for your kind support, being there with me through rough times. It means a lot to me.

 

I have had very few moments in my PhD program that made me happy, thankful, hopeful. Today is one of those rare moments.

[penelope13]

Oh that's great Tinu!

 

use the positive energy from this to stay really focused and wrap this up: the summer is not that far away. You can do it

[annie24]

yay tinu!!! this is awesome!!! a few months of hard work and this will all pay off!!!

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Penny and Annie.

Yes, I am going to work hard now. It important to stay focused now.

[LAYAAN]

My neighbor (in the dorm) and junior in grad school had applied for the Residential Assistant job in the dorm.

She is a hard working girl. She is also helping her sister pay off for her school. Her mom is divorced so she is trying to help as much as she can. My friend also didn't get any stipend for her 1st year of PhD program, so she has quite credit card debt accumulated. She was concerned if she will get selected for this job or not.

Today, she called me to share the good news with me that she is chosen for the job. I'm so happy for her. We prayed together that she gets this job so she can pay off her educational loan at least. That is an awesome news. That is straight saving of $4500/year for her. She can do so much with that money. I'm excited for her! Her sister just graduated college and is in NY, so she can go see her now with that saved money.

[marshmlofluff]

Go Tinu!!!!!!!! The end is near!!!!!

 

Life gets so much better after you finish your degree. Promise. No matter what comes afterward, you are never again in a situation where one person controls your entire life.

[annie24]

Until you get married, haha.