Thoughts, ramblings

[Pkittie]

PMS mood swings can be awful...Tinu, try taking extra calcium & fish oil. Since you might not take fish oil capsules then try ground flaxseed. It has helped me quite a bit...Hang in there, everything will fall in place...

[LAYAAN]

Hello Poochie, how are you my friend?

I bought 100% organic sprouted ground flax. I'm taking multi-vitamins with calcium regularly.

Yes, I'm hanging in there.

[LAYAAN]

I walked 5.13 miles today on the treadmill. Stretched afterwords. Feel really good.

[Pkittie]

Tinu, the calcium amount in multivitamin is not sufficient. Try taking 500 mg supplement esp during PMS.

[LAYAAN]

Hello Poochie, how is it going? Ya, you are right. I need to bump up my calcium intake. I have been ignoring that for quite some time now.

[Pkittie]

I'm fine Tinu, things have been a little rough for me as well. But that's life...Hope you are feeling better now. Plz do take the AOL course when you get a chance!

[LAYAAN]

I just don't want to think about anything else. I feel like I'm losing marriage-minded men left and right. They don't want to wait because my PhD won't finish. They are 38+, they are in a rush to get married (and I can understand that), settle down and start a family. What am I holding out for? I'm going to call the guy I turned down and I'm going to tell him that I'm open to meeting him and I can think about getting married this year.

What else can I do? I hate feeling trapped like this and being pushed to make this decision. I'm really not getting any younger. Everyone around me is getting married. If I dont' catch someone now, I'll have to settle for someone later anyways, so what am I really gaining by waiting? I don't get that. I don't want to go through these panic episodes anymore. I just want to call it a day man. This waiting and seeing others get married is a torture. There is no point in waiting for a better match. He doesn't exist. By the time I find him, that guy would be interested in marrying a younger woman. Life is unfair. I hate to feel this way.

 

Marsh, you wrote a reply to my post. I understand what you say but I can't wait anymore. I've waited long enough. What's the point in waiting? Every man is going to want to have a kid eventually. Why not now? Who cares about connection? What's the point in finishing my PhD? I don't even know if I'm going to get it. I just want to run away and get married. I'm so ready to marry whoever comes my way now. At least this phase of life will be over, I will have a kid at right age and I will get a green card. I'll face whatever challenges then. I'm going to call my mom and tell her that I am ready for marrying whoever. I really dont' care at this time. Life sucks. I encourage all women to settle.

[penelope13]

Please don't do it! Running away from your troubles into a marriage is NOT the solution.

 

Yes it's tough to be alone, but being in a bad relationship/marriage is much worse.

 

And please don't have a child just because someone expects it of you; don't do it to the child. It's not fair.

[marshmlofluff]

Marsh, you wrote a reply to my post. I understand what you say but I can't wait anymore. I've waited long enough. What's the point in waiting? Every man is going to want to have a kid eventually. Why not now? Who cares about connection? What's the point in finishing my PhD? I don't even know if I'm going to get it. I just want to run away and get married. I'm so ready to marry whoever comes my way now. At least this phase of life will be over, I will have a kid at right age and I will get a green card.

 

I've waited just as long as you have, and had my heart broken many times, so I do understand. And yet I do not think this is the right course of action. You know it isn't, or you would not be asking.

 

Because you can marry and run away to...what? Marry in this state of mind, and as soon as the gloom lifts you will find yourself married to someone whom you would never have given the time of day when you were in a normal state of mind. And then you will be just as upset and miserable in your marriage as you are single...no matter how hard it is to be single, it is always better to be single than to wish you were. And in my experience, a bad relationship isn't just a self-contained bad relationship. It corrodes your happiness and self-worth from the inside, like acid, so that even when the relationship is over it can take years for the damage to heal.

 

In any event, suppose you disregard issues of compatibility, and enter a marriage out of frustration and desperation, and end up unhappy. Because most men *do* care to some extent about a connection and are not simply looking for a walking uterus, you will most likely find yourself divorced, and right back in the same boat--but in an even worse situation. You will have lost the degree which you spent years working toward, and maybe you'll also be a single mom to a child you didn't want in the first place. And if you think you are having trouble meeting someone now...

 

So that is the point in waiting. At least, that is why I have waited.

 

I am not saying that women should be too picky. With every man I have dated, I have made massive compromises...if I made a list of ways in which the present boyfriend does not match whatever criteria I had in mind when I started looking for men, it would be pages long. But that is life; I am not perfect either. And fundamentally he is a good and kind man, and we get along--and I was reasonably happy with my life and career before I met him, so that I do not depend on him for my happiness or anything else. I am not dating him to escape from anything. And I think that is the frame of mind one absolutely must be in in order to have a healthy relationship.

 

Just my $0.02.

[marshmlofluff]

Btw you asked whether I had considered dating Indian men or American-born Indian men. Actually until I was 29 I had never considered dating a non-Indian man...as a result of which, I made myself miserable.

 

My first relationship (age 24 or so) was with an Indian-born Indian guy; it lasted several years and was a terrible, terrible mistake...he wanted to be with someone from his own sub-community, and he didn't want kids, so although he enjoyed my affection and attention and companionship, he didn't want to get married. I was too innocent and too dumb to realize this--or that I had not made any commitment and could leave, and I hung around for years.

 

The second guy was also Indian-born Indian. He was an investment banker from Goa. He was a complete jerk, obsessed with money above everything else, and kept pushing me to drop my job and move into finance. That was traditional-style; I never even kissed him. In any event, we talked and visited back and forth for six months until one day he told me "I think we don't get along," and then within three weeks went back to India and married a girl who looked just like me, and was also a PhD, but from Goa. Presumably he had been speaking to her the whole time.

 

There were countless other such interactions; the Indian guy would talk to me a bit, and on the side he would be talking to some woman in India. Then he would usually go back to India and get married. Some just said flatly to my relatives "we don't want an overly educated woman." I was too Indian for American-born guys and Indian men apparently found me too Westernized. Believe me, I tried. Boy did I try.

 

Around age 28 or 29 I decided that if I was not a fit for Indian guys then it was time for me to widen my horizons. The next three men I have dated have been non-Indian (I am still with the third). Though things have not worked out yet for me, I have found that because Western culture is less traditional and because I am an unconventional woman by Indian standards, on the whole, non-Indian men have tended to value the particular qualities I had to offer more, and generally have tended to treat me with more respect and consideration (even if they dumped me at the end of it all).

 

I am not closed off to dating Indian men at all, but these days rather than look for an ethnicity, I look for a personality type. I seek out men who are sufficiently open-minded and liberal to appreciate an educated woman, and yet hold conservative values on sex, drinking, etc. This combination seems to be difficult to find in an Indian guy, whereas it shows up relatively frequently in non-Indian men--or perhaps it shows up rarely, but there are so many more non-Indian men in the US that it is easier to find. My present boyfriend is a wonderful fit for me on values; he does not drink, he himself used to be very conservative about premarital sex until recently, so he understands that I am, and he is marriage-minded. In fact in some sense he is even more "desi" than I am--he is actually vegetarian, whereas I am not!

 

The one big difference is that I do enthusiastically want kids, whereas he is okay with it if *I* want them, but he himself does not feel strongly either way. Which is a shame; I of course would prefer that my partner be enthusiastically on board. However for men as kids are not a biological imperative, many men do feel like my boyfriend but make good fathers. My own father was like that.

 

So in short the answer is that yes, I have tried dating and interacting with both Indian-Indian and US-born Indian men. Perhaps because the culture they were raised in is traditional, and I am not, on average Indian men tend not to be interested in me, whereas non-Indian men are.

[annie24]

Tinu, there is not a scarcity of men. That mindset is very dangerous. You're talking like eligible men are some limited time offer when in fact that is not the case. Please just finish your phd, it won't be that much longer and the you will be in a better position to find a husband later.

[dancing_magpie]

Tinu - I've been reading your journal for a while now. I really feel for you and understand where you are coming from because I am South Asian too and know some of the particular problems and pressures that you face.

 

It seems to me that you are a somewhat overwhelmed with the pressures of your PhD, your family and the search for a partner. I'm sure the PhD is driving you crazy - I think everyone gets to that point, I've seen so many of my friends do the same. But remember how hard you've worked for it - do you really want to throw it all away? And for what - some man who has no respect for what you have achieved so far (and therefore no respect for you? Why would you want to be with someone who does not admire you and wants to force you to fit into their timeline without any room for compromise?

 

If you rush into marrying someone, anyone - it is likely that you will regret it. As marshmlofluff points out (she's a wise woman by the way, listen to her too), you may well end up in a much worse situation than you are now.

 

Let me ask you something else? Do you really believe that if you married someone soon all your problems would be solved? That's probably not going to be the case. I know you must be feeling somewhat desperate and certainly exasperated but you mustn't rush into anything. It seems like a race - particularly for us Asian girls. At times it's hard to get out of that mentality especially when your family is constantly pestering and criticising you but you must try for your own sanity.

 

 

I think you need a break - from everything that is going on around you. Do you have the time to go away somewhere and just take a step back from things and reassess your situation? Perhaps there are some sympathetic friends you could stay with for a couple of days or longer?

 

If you can remove yourself from your current situation and environment for some time, I'm sure you'd come back to everything refreshed and with a clearer head. I really wish you the best.

[marshmlofluff]

Best post ever. It resonates with me so much that I have nothing to add but this: No matter what, never lose yourself and abandon your goals completely in pursuit of a man; it just isn't worth it.

 

And in the end, after you have lost yourself, he won't value you, either.

[IntotheWild]

I agree with dm & mmf. Finish your degree; don't run into the arms of some oblivious buttplug who will ream you when you don't have his dinner ready on time. I know the degree is hard, but that's what makes it worthwhile--as Tom Petty said, 'you can't sell your soul for peace of mind'.

 

Finish the race. Wait for a guy who will respect you for everything you are and everything you want to be. You deserve that, and more importantly, you need to believe you deserve it.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Penny, Annie, Marsh, dancing magpie, into the wild for your posts full of wisdom. I do understand what you are trying to get through into my head. I don't know if I can practice it.

 

Yes, taking a break would be a good idea. I have been wanting to take a break for a long time. Not sure I will go to a friend's place though. I don't like to discuss my personal issues with any friend and burden them anymore. Noone has any solution to my issues. People also have a lot going on in their own life. Why bother anyone?

 

I will think about what you all are telling me. Yes, I'm still in the program. Really its not about PhD only. Its my age and feeling very much behind everyone else. I really want a companion and I can't seem to get that on my terms (let me finish my PhD, let me relax for a while, don't push me to have a baby).

You have provided me enough to think about. So, I will get back with some more Qs.

[marshmlofluff]

I really want a companion and I can't seem to get that on my terms (let me finish my PhD, let me relax for a while, don't push me to have a baby).

 

If these are your terms, why not simply be direct in your matrimonial profile? I suggest you state up front in your profile that you want to finish your PhD, that you are not sure how you feel about kids, and that even if you do decide you want to have kids that you are not in a rush. Try that for a few months and see what happens.

 

Maybe the number of responses will go down, but at least the ones you do get will be ones you actually want, and you will not have to deal with rejection when people find out that you do not want what they assumed you did.

 

The problem with having strict terms though, is that life doesn't always work on them. That is why it is so important to pursue your own goals, so that you will be happy independent of the factors that are not entirely under your control, like when the right man will come along.

 

And always remember--from someone who has been there, done that, and gotten the T-shirt--that being single (even permanently single) is far preferable to being in a bad relationship. Companionship can be found in many places.

[penelope13]

One step at a time: focus on your PhD, finish it - and you will have more energy for the rest of your life when you have got it in your pocket

[LAYAAN]

I met this girl 2-3 times on different walks, got to know her a little bit (picked her up at her place, gave her a ride, etc.). She is looking for a roommate. She stays very close to me, driving distance 5 min. She has posted an ad for her 2 bedroom apartment $550/month. She said that she will give it to me for $450/month. Currently I'm paying $370/month (everything on one bill). I wrote her an email today asking for more information. If I take her up on that offer, I will be spending $1000/year more. Its a gated community, so I think I should be okay. I'm so tempted to say yes.

I asked her for more information. She is interviewing and looking for jobs. She said that she is looking to move in 3 months or so, when she gets a job in another area, she will move from this apartment. I have a friend in grad school who is sick of paying $850/month for her 2 bedroom apartment. So, I'm wondering if I should move in, this girl may move out in 3 months or so, my other friend can move in.

Don't know if I am getting over enthusiastic about this. I'm really tired of living in same place.

These are the positives I see -

- 2 miles to my university.

- gated community

- rent is affordable

- will get a proper kitchen, dishwasher

- hope to get a pet (waiting to hear from her)

- I would hate to let this offer go. I may not get it again.

 

Concerns that I have -

- With my paper knocked down recently, no postdoc lined up, I really don't know where my life is headed.

- I think, I have another year left in school, but if I finish my PhD and get some job/position nearby, I can still stay here during my OPT (optional practical training) and save money.

- Not knowing what my parents' health is, I'm not sure if my parents will tell me to come back to India once my PhD is over. In that case, I'm not sure if I should spend money on pets, moving, establishing myself in a new home. $1000/year additional spending doesn't seem a lot now, but if I can save that money, I can use it for something here or can even take it with me back home.

I should deal with only with most pressing matters now and nothing other than that.

[marshmlofluff]

Tinu, if you want to get a PhD, the best place to focus your mental effort is on finishing the PhD. I'd say now really does not seem like the optimal time to be thinking about moving, getting a pet, and getting married; you can think about all of those things after you finish.

[annie24]

Tinu, if you want to get a PhD, the best place to focus your mental effort is on finishing the PhD. I'd say now really does not seem like the optimal time to be thinking about moving, getting a pet, and getting married; you can think about all of those things after you finish.

 

yeah, i basically agree. moving is one of the most stressful experiences. it's not something you really need right now. and i don't know what kind of pet you want, but it can wind up taking up more time and money than you have. dogs are particularly demanding, not as much as cats. but you still have to pay for vet bills, medications, toys, etc.... and what happens if you decide to move to india? then you have to find a new home for the pet, if you can't take it with you. i've done a lot of dog sitting during my PhD. as much as pets are fun, it's also annoying when you have to get home at a certain time to let them out. especially if you have a lot of work to do in lab.

 

have you and your advisor come up with a plan about the paper? what to do about it?

[LAYAAN]

I worked some more on my data and submitted my thoughts and what route we should go on the paper. I'm waiting to hear from my PI.

[LAYAAN]

Marsh and Annie,

Thank you for your advice. I'm not moving afterall. I just have to stay here in the dorm and do my best to focus and get through. Yes, I have heard from people that having pets is a challenging experience. Yes, I have seen people rush in the evening to let the dogs loose or take them for a walk, take 'em potty. So, yes, I really shouldn't be worrying about all that right now. Even cats can take up time with their routine vet visits and fees and I don't have that kinda money either.

[annie24]

once you graduate and have a better idea of where you will be living, get a pet for sure.

[LAYAAN]

so, my dad is taken from a big city in India to a much much smaller city (to my mom's sister's place, because her husband is a GP) to get all the health check-up done. I didn't want to say anything because 'You don't have any right to talk, you are not here. We are trying to survive and get things done. If you can't contribute, stay out of our business.' was thrown at me before.

I called my mom a few days ago to talk about his health and she was unhappy. (I dont remember the last time she was happy anyways). Today, she wrote me an email and her frustration really showed through. "Your dad isn't responding well to the medications. He is not eating well, he has nausea from those medications, I'm worried, You are not here. Your (read...damn, idiotic, useless) program isn't over. How long do I have to deal with this?" I wrote a few lines back. Called my mom a few minutes ago. She just wasn't willing to talk. I kept insisting "What is going on? why wouldn't you talk to me? have I disturbed you in your sleep? is there anyone else around? is dad okay? at least have courtesy to talk to me when I'm unable to come there."

Mom "No, I don't know what to talk."

Me "Well, I don't know what to tell you either mom. I just want you to understand that your property issues, health issues are not created because of my leaving. Hence my coming back to India will not solve them. You will have to step up and do the needful. Also, please remember that you have resources there. You are financially strong. There is nothing that I achieve by simply coming there. If you are determined that you are not going to take care of your health, there is nothing that I can do about it whether I'm here or there."

This is how my parents are. They know exactly how to push my buttons. What was the need to send me this email then? Was it really necessary? Now, you take your husband to your relative's place instead of seeking treatment in your huge city when you do have money for that. What am I expected to say? Her relatives are mad at me "YOU should be looking after your parents. You are enjoying your life in the US while we toil to take care of your parents' health." How am I supposed to respond to this? This is one of the major reasons I wasn't interested in coming to USA or marrying someone in the US because I know my parents push my buttons. They will create drama about how I have abandoned them and will eventually push me to go back to India. What kinda man my dad is? He doesn't want to even file an application to get his passport because he is afraid that I will make him go to get his visa stamped and will want him to leave India and come here. What can you do with parents who are this backward? Tell me. Why I should live to face more and more of this nonsense? I just feel like dying. I really dont' know what am I alive for?

[annie24]

tinu, your parents are far from perfect. i'm sorry, you really can't help who you are related to. i wouldn't take what they say so personally, nor let it have too big an influence on your life. like you said - no matter where you are, his health problems are his health problems, and you flying over to india at this stage isn't going to help. neither will you worrying, or you getting married. i mean, there is not much you can do, apart from being supportive. don't expect too much from your parents i guess. don't let them get to you. they sound a little crazy. that's not helpful to you right now. you need people who will keep you grounded. do you have any supportive family members?