Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

Hey Tinu. I'm really rooting for you to do great. I have feel behind on all of my studies for the last two weeks and I'm currently sick myself with a bad cold and my window of oppotuntity is about to close but I'm going to fight it with tooth and nail all the way till the end and I hope you'll do the same.

All i can do I pray you'll make it through.

*hugs*

Thank you so much my friend.

Yes, you must hang in there. Surround yourself with positive thoughts and supportive people. Do not read my posts when I'm venting or am down and discouraged. You will get discouraged too. (though I appreciate your writing to me on my journal thread) Stay focused on your studies and never say "die". Give it your best, give it your all, so you will not have any regrets in the end. Keep putting one food in front of the other. You will reach your goal if you don't give up.

For cold, take vitamin C, drink plenty of warm water. I had headache and cold today too, but I'm hanging in there. If your nose is blocked, use afrin or similar nasal spray, so you can get good night's rest and wake up rejuvenated. If your body is aching apply icy-hot extrastrength back pain relief patch. Works like magic. You can cut the big patch to suit your needs.

Take care, wish you all the best. I'm sending all the positive energy your way!

[LAYAAN]

oh ugh, that sucks. i am really sorry for you tinu. i really do feel for you. what seems to me to be the answer (but maybe i'm wrong) is for your PI to hire an additional researcher to go ahead and expand the test group. that of course can take another 1-2 years though, right? but you've done this novel work, so that is good. did the other journals basically say the same thing? don't worry about your mom now or what she is saying. this happens from time to time. it's a bump in the road, but i know you can get through it. get some sleep. hang in there.

Thank you Annie, we are trying to go for lower ranking journal, so we can get in somewhere. Its not realistic to increase the study group. People drop out of marathon type exercise regimens. Yes, I'm trying not to pay attention to my mom. Yes, I'm trying to hang in there.

[marshmlofluff]

- Is it possible to marry a guy who isn't dying to have kids but who would tie the knot with you in 1-2 years?

 

Yes...but in my experience they are largely highly educated non-Indian men. Every non-Indian guy I have dated has been like that--which is kind of a shame, as I *am* eager to have a family.

 

The current BF asked me the other day "how do you feel about kids? I could go either way." That sounds like a good fit for you, but I don't like that...I mean, I am happy that he is at least open to it and flexible, but honestly it would be a little nicer to be with someone who said "I am very enthusiastic about having a family someday."

 

- Is it possible to live a carefree life, travel, not cook-eat out, go to music concerts, go hiking, paint for fun, etc. and really enjoy your marriage for a few years before you think about having kids?

 

Honestly, I think that depends partially how old you are when you get married. Unfortunately biology is biology, and does not respect emotions or desires--if you marry at 35 or 36, and hope to conceive naturally, you most likely cannot have a five year honeymoon.

 

But perhaps it is possible to do all the things you list, and really enjoy your marriage, even if you are thinking of having kids, or even if you already have them.

 

- What age group of men wants to enjoy marriage and not start a family immediately?

 

Probably younger men, and probably non-Indian men, as Western culture puts less pressure on people to have kids and does not define success so completely by whether you have done so.

 

- Why am I meeting only 2 type of men:

Type 1) financial interviewers will ask about career, job, job security, money, loans, etc.

Type 2) marriage and kid ready will want to get married and start a family soon.

 

I suppose because you are looking in the arranged market, where marriages are based on checklists of criteria and common life goals, and personal compatibility is expected to follow.

 

The financial interviewers--well, as I am sure you know, Indian people are just...tactless sometimes compared to Western cultures, where in my experience people wonder all the same things but keep their mouths shut. (E.g. every time I meet my relatives they tell me I have gained weight this year--I am sure all my American friends just think it and keep it to themselves!)

 

And honestly maybe some degree of financial questions are not so unreasonable; it is quite rude of these men to ask that so soon, but at the end of the day perhaps they want to know what your life priorities are--whether you want to be a housewife or a career woman, what life will be like with you, what your financial style and values are--and whether they will be taking on huge amounts of debt. Perhaps instead of resenting them you should take advantage of their directness; turn it around and (sweetly) ask them the same questions. What type of career do they have, what job do they have, how much job security, income, and debt do they have?

 

I'm 39, waiting 2-3 years is too far. You are also in right age to have a child. You shouldn't wait beyond 35."

 

Yuck. Well then, he should look for somebody closer to his own age...just because he is about to turn 40 doesn't mean you are, and he has no right to tell you what the right age for you to have a child is.

 

If I don't hurry up these guys will get married. What will I do then? I will end up alone.

 

No you won't. If all the arranged guys get married, you will just relax some of your criteria about the guy being Indian and Brahmin and all, and you will meet someone off the arranged market and probably be happier for it.

 

That is pretty much where I am right now, except that I gave up trying to meet someone from my sub-sub-sub-community a few years ago, and then I gave up trying to meet an Indian guy. And I am much happier failing repeatedly in the non-arranged market than I would have been succeeding inside it.

 

But in any event, Tinu, you have to focus on your PhD during the final stretch--all of this is a distraction. If there is a setback in the PhD, try your best to be calm; ruminating about marriage is only going to make you more panicked.

 

Lots of love,

Fluff

[Pkittie]

Fluff thoughts & reasoning is sooo very much in tune with mine...Tinu, everybody here is offering such a wonderful perspective. I hope you are feeling better now, and ready to take on the world. On a day to day basis, we all face trying times. Some days are worse than others, my mantra in life is " This too shall pass..." Gotta keep moving till you are alive!

[LAYAAN]

Marsh, you are the best. Thank you so much for replying to my post. Your reply is very very helpful and sounds logical.

[penelope13]

I want to quit everything I'm doing and just say yes to marriage. Forget it. I'm just tired. What's the point? There is no point. I will have to surrender to someone's will and just live my life according to their plan or risk living alone forever. If I don't hurry up these guys will get married. What will I do then? I will end up alone.

 

Hi Tinu, Marsh has given enough excellent responses to most of your questions, no need to add to it.

 

However (I know you are only venting here) your biggest problem (IMHO) is that you do not really know what you mean by 'being married'. Oh yes, you are very keen to go through the notion of getting to the wedding ceremony, but I don't believe you have a clear notion what life will be like on the other side.

 

It's not like once you get married you can 'dump' all of your issues/ fears on the other person and this person has to solve them all for you. Being married does not take personal responsibility for personal growth away. Otherwise you will end very quickly in a very miserable situation.

 

Yes being married means that you have someone to go hiking with, someone to share financial burden etc, but it also means a lot of work to maintain the relationship, and the work starts with having to work on yourself. Otherwise you are just 2 people who happen to live under the same roof.

 

Living in today's world (even in the arranged marriage market in India) getting separated or even divorce is more and more common/ easy to do. So it's not that once you sign the marriage certificate that you can rest assured that no matter what you do in your marriage, how little you invest, the other person has no choice than to stick by you.

 

I am a strong believer of solving problems first, instead of running away from them, since they will haunt you in one form or another.

 

You will not stop automatically to be anxious, to worry, to be angry, to have resentment etc, just because you are married. Yes currently most of your anxiety stems from being alone, but that is just a trigger. Unless you learn to overcome your anxiety and deal with the route cause, it will just be something else that you will be anxious about once you get married (does he find me attractive enough, does he still love me, ... the possibilities are endless).

 

How is the MoodGym and your therapy going?

[LAYAAN]

Yes...but in my experience they are largely highly educated non-Indian men.

You are right. In addition, I think highly educated Indian men raised here for the most part are also like that. Again, highly educated is a common factor. Not that its necessarily connected to all this. I have seen a lot of women who are highly educated and just didn't care much about working, had a family, married rich men and settled down.

 

Every non-Indian guy I have dated has been like that--which is kind of a shame, as I *am* eager to have a family. The current BF asked me the other day "how do you feel about kids? I could go either way." That sounds like a good fit for you, but I don't like that...I mean, I am happy that he is at least open to it and flexible, but honestly it would be a little nicer to be with someone who said "I am very enthusiastic about having a family someday."

There is a poster here, her ID is Batya33. She is non-Indian, did online dating, screened quite a few men. The most important thing I noticed in her messages is how she stayed focused on her goal 'She wanted to start a family in not too distant future.' I think if you stayed focused on your goal, you will look for pointers in men that show you right or wrong signs. You can make the decision then whether you want to go ahead. The key is 1) to have a clear goal, 2) to accept yourself for having that goal no matter what the rest of the world thinks about you 3) stay focused on achieving your goal, screen prospective men and date only those that you can achieve your goal with. 4) Be ruthless about letting go of all those that are good people, make your heart sing, etc., but don't seem to have similar goals as you/can't provide you with what you are looking for.

I have seen some women in my graduate program who have diligently practiced these principles in their life and they got what they wanted: marriage, house, kids, cars. They had to relax some criteria, but they got high priority items on their list.

Have you considered marrying an Indian guy raised in India? They are educated and mostly want a family.

 

Honestly, I think that depends partially how old you are when you get married. Unfortunately biology is biology, and does not respect emotions or desires--if you marry at 35 or 36, and hope to conceive naturally, you most likely cannot have a five year honeymoon. But perhaps it is possible to do all the things you list, and really enjoy your marriage, even if you are thinking of having kids, or even if you already have them.

You have hit the nail on its head here. So true! Life catches up with you. I have a friend who dated her highschool sweetheart. She got married I think around age 21 or so. She tells me that she dated her husband for years and years. Great! I told her exactly the same thing. She could afford to date for years and years. She was young. I can't date a guy for more than a year. Also, because she married young, she really enjoyed her marriage the way I desire to enjoy it, but she had that kinda time to spare. Even if I get married within next 2 years, I will still need to take the decision to have a child right away. Women here can disagree with me and that's fine, everyone is entitled to their opinion, but really over and over I've seen that men in their late 30s and early 40s prefer to marry younger women (late 20s to mid 30s). They have that option, women just don't. Millionaire matchmaker Patty Stanger has mentioned this too.

Yes, it might be possible to have all that I'm looking for within a marriage with a child, provided my husband's attitude toward life is that way.

 

Probably younger men, and probably non-Indian men, as Western culture puts less pressure on people to have kids and does not define success so completely by whether you have done so.

Yes, you know Marsh, (it hurts me to be this honest) my preference is to marry someone from age group 31-35, but as I mentioned before, I haven't had much success there either because that group is mostly the "financial interview" group. Given a choice, I would like to marry someone similar to my age so we can have fun for a few years before having a child. Unfortunately, those that don't want a child are also not serious about marrying. Not that other varieties don't exist, I'm talking about majority here.

 

I suppose because you are looking in the arranged market, where marriages are based on checklists of criteria and common life goals, and personal compatibility is expected to follow.

You are absolutely right. Arranged marriage has not changed much no matter how much you would like to believe otherwise. Arranged marriage is still primarily based on checklist.

 

The financial interviewers--well, as I am sure you know, Indian people are just...tactless sometimes compared to Western cultures, where in my experience people wonder all the same things but keep their mouths shut. (E.g. every time I meet my relatives they tell me I have gained weight this year--I am sure all my American friends just think it and keep it to themselves!) And honestly maybe some degree of financial questions are not so unreasonable; it is quite rude of these men to ask that so soon, but at the end of the day perhaps they want to know what your life priorities are--whether you want to be a housewife or a career woman, what life will be like with you, what your financial style and values are--and whether they will be taking on huge amounts of debt. Perhaps instead of resenting them you should take advantage of their directness; turn it around and (sweetly) ask them the same questions. What type of career do they have, what job do they have, how much job security, income, and debt do they have?

Exactly... again, arranged marriage checklist. Next time someone asks me this Q. I plan on asking them the same Q. I will tell myself not to feel offended. I really hope to practice this.

 

Yuck. Well then, he should look for somebody closer to his own age...just because he is about to turn 40 doesn't mean you are, and he has no right to tell you what the right age for you to have a child is.

I'm surprised at your reaction. I'm not at all surprised or sad about what he said. He has expressed an opinion that again majority of the population has. In fact, I agree with him to a certain extent. He is turning 40, he has a job, he has house, he has finished schooling, he has his US citizenship, he wants to get married and doesn't want to wait to start a family. What is wrong with that thinking? What may seem wrong is that he is telling me to give my age a thought too. That is exactly what my mom and close friend told me too. Marry in next 1-2 years and have a child in 1-2 years. There is no need to delay and the risk to benefit ratio is really high if I do so. He is not dictating me what I should do, he is only encouraging me to think. This is not the first time I've heard a man age 36+ tell me this. They do want to start a family right away.

 

 

No you won't. If all the arranged guys get married, you will just relax some of your criteria about the guy being Indian and Brahmin and all, and you will meet someone off the arranged market and probably be happier for it.

Honestly, I'm letting go of those requirements NOW. My ideal age range is 31-35, brahmin boy. This guy is non-brahmin, age 39, and a divorcee. What more should I say?

 

 

That is pretty much where I am right now, except that I gave up trying to meet someone from my sub-sub-sub-community a few years ago, and then I gave up trying to meet an Indian guy. And I am much happier failing repeatedly in the non-arranged market than I would have been succeeding inside it.

Have you considered Indian men raised in India, but are here for education/work? They are marriage-minded and definitely want kids.

 

 

But in any event, Tinu, you have to focus on your PhD during the final stretch--all of this is a distraction. If there is a setback in the PhD, try your best to be calm; ruminating about marriage is only going to make you more panicked.

Yes, its making me panic but wat's the use of focusing on my PhD, all good guys are getting married. People are moving on because I'm busy.

[annie24]

what happens if you abandon your PhD, meet a wonderful man, marry him, and then 2 years later he dies in a tragic car wreck. then what? what will you do with your life? you won't have your phd and you were so close to getting it....? or what if your wonderful man leaves you for someone else? you never know. at least with a PhD, you can finish and that is that.

[LAYAAN]

I walked 4.93 miles today. Hurray!

[LAYAAN]

what happens if you abandon your PhD, meet a wonderful man, marry him, and then 2 years later he dies in a tragic car wreck. then what? what will you do with your life? you won't have your phd and you were so close to getting it....? or what if your wonderful man leaves you for someone else? you never know. at least with a PhD, you can finish and that is that.

Alright, what happens is I quit my PhD for a nice man, we get married, I get a green card, he wants kids, I have kids, I stay home. Nothing goes wrong. I have seen this happen to my friends. Nothing went wrong. They are enjoying life. They go shopping, they party, they also have maids.

Am I saying my life WILL go like this? No. What you say is absolutely correct. There is always a chance. I can't give any logical reasoning to you Annie, why I feel like I just want to settle down now. I'm tired of going on dates. I don't want to wait anymore.

[marshmlofluff]

Alright, what happens is I quit my PhD for a nice man, we get married, I get a green card, he wants kids, I have kids, I stay home.

 

You are home all day; you used to spend all day thinking, and now you spend it wiping up various bodily fluids and changing diapers. It's fun for a while, and then you realize how thankless a job it can be to be a homemaker, especially when you remember what it was like to be a high-powered researcher. You get depressed and lonely, and start putting on weight. The kids go to school, and now you are home alone all day.

 

He and his mother treat you like a maid because you are not contributing to the family income. The kids sense that, and do not respect you either. You are obliged to him for your green card. He has all the power in the house and insults you for not making money. Your brain rots. He takes a blonde mistress. You wonder what would have happened if you finished your PhD, and maintained your own career and life. Now and then, you regret not doing so. He loses his job in a recession, and pushes you to work. However, with a five or ten year gap on your CV, the only job you can get is as a lab technician assessing urine samples. As even those jobs are hard to come by, you take a series of awful entry-level positions, and become a cashier at Wal-Mart, just to get out of the house.

 

Yes, I have seen this too. Appearances can be deceiving--not every woman who seems to be happy and fulfilled is.

[LAYAAN]

This is a rough time.

 

- Today my mom emailed me. "Your dad and I are going to my sister's place. Your dad isn't feeling well, his hemoglobin is still reducing, we do not know what to do. We are hiring a private taxi and driving him there."

What am I supposed to say?

My parents live in a big city. There are up-to-date medical services. My parents have money. They can hire a nurse on 8 hour shift, but my my mom doesn't want to do that. Instead she is taking my dad to her sister's place. Her husband is a homeopathic doctor who practices allopathy and has connections there. My parents did this before also. Now my relatives talk badly about me. "Your daughter is having fun in the US and we have to carry your load." When I tried to suggest my parents that they do not need to seek their relatives' support unnecessarily, my parents barked at me. Mom "You are not here. Stop telling us what to do from there. You are not in our shoes. I tend to panic these days. I feel alone. I have no support. I can't handle this on my own. I need help. If I stay here, I have to do everything on my own." Dad "You have no right to talk. You have to come here and then suggest who should do what."

This is how the argument escalates. What am I expected to do in this matter? Acknowledge her emails and phone calls and pray that God preserves them until I'm done with school?

I have no clue how to handle this.

[LAYAAN]

- My paper just got turned down. I'm really trying to rebuild it.

- My dizziness is coming back. My knee hurts constantly. I went to see my doctor today. She says "Your bones are bruised. Its going to take at least a year for you to feel a little okay. See an orthopedic, lets see what he suggests."

- I want to go off my anti-anxiety medication, but I can't. When I try to taper the dose, my anxiety comes right back. My psychiatrist tells me not to even think about going off Lexapro now when I'm trying to get through a rough patch in PhD program. My weight is 151 lb and I need to lose weight so my knees also feel a little better. Today my doctor said not to go off Lexapro, so there you go.

- I normally get depressed during summer time (I don't know why), feel very low on energy, feel like giving up, feel exhausted, that is how I usually feel during summer months.

- This probably wasn't enough. My mom told me that my dad's health is really bad and his hemoglobin is decreasing and they are taking him to my aunt's place so he can get treated.

 

I'm unable to deal with this stress. I really wanted to some calmness to deal with the rejection and focus on my paper and build it back. Now this my dad's health. Where do I go? What do I do? I just want to quit and go back to India so at least my parents are happy, because now everyone is unhappy. My parents will continue to put pressure on me even if I stay here. My mom doesn't directly say that you are not here when we need you, but she really wants me to come back, get married to a man from India and settle there. I can't deal with this pressure anymore. Noone understands my situation. When I need support where do I run?

[LAYAAN]

I tried calling my friend to see if she was around, but she had already left. She told me on phone that she is not feeling well, feels exhausted, so I didn't burden her with my stuff. I decided to keep quiet instead.

[penelope13]

Tinu, I am sorry to hear about your fathers health. As hard as it is, do not let them guilt you into anything.

 

Is there really something that you could be doing over there to achieve an improvement in a short time? If not, there is no point in traveling over just for the sake of it.

 

I am sure your mom will keep you posted on any developments.

 

I know you are feeling down and it's challenging, but try not to let this defeat you

[marshmlofluff]

This is how the argument escalates. What am I expected to do in this matter? Acknowledge her emails and phone calls and pray that God preserves them until I'm done with school?

I have no clue how to handle this.

 

Poor Tinu. Honestly, I think that is all you can do. The best thing you can do for yourself and for everyone else is to finish what you have worked so long and hard toward, so that you can at least be free to get on with the rest of your life.

[LAYAAN]

I am born during a lunar eclipse, so it was full moon and the Sun opposition with the moon. I have written here often about feeling confused, indecisive. I have wondered about why I feel that way. Its frustrating and has been a constant struggle as long as I've known myself.

So, today after I came home, I tried to gather some information.

 

"Being born during an eclipse is highly significant. First, keep in mind that a lunar eclipse always occurs during a full moon.

When the Moon is Full, it means your Sun and Moon are opposite each other. An opposition can express itself in one of two ways. It can mean that your Sun (what you want) and your Moon (what you need) are constantly at war with each other, and so you are always having an inner, emotional battle going on until you find a way to make peace between them. Or, it can mean that you have very clear, distinct separation of roles between yourself, and other people in your life, especially the opposite sex, which can make a relationship difficult if the other person does not want to quite fit into the role the way you see them.

A full moon at birth usually means that the parents were often at odds with each other, although in some cases it was not openly done. The eclipse is like a super intensification. Some people born during an eclipse grow up without one parent, others grow up with one parent totally dominating the other.

One of the dangers of being born during an eclipse is that it is difficult for you to really get to know your own deepest needs, and so you must do a lot of self-exploration to discover what makes you most secure.

Also, your 19th birthday, your 38th, and all multiples of 19, will be very significant years for you, with lots of changes, because the eclipse will return around your birthday every 19 years."

 

"People born when the Sun opposes the Moon have an internal struggle between their needs and their wants. In contrast to the Sun-Moon conjunction personality, the Full Moon personality is inclined towards lack of focus and indecision. Their ability to be objective is both an asset and a liability, simply because when they decide on one route, they are pulled in another direction at the same time. Something tugs at them, and they begin to question their stance. "But what if..." and "on the other hand..." are statements they can't help making and that plague them.

Their inner struggle is most obvious in their vitality, as both the Sun and the Moon strongly influence the vitality. They have many ups and downs, and it is hard to know if it is physical or emotional. In fact, it's likely both. These people might spend a week working hard, and the following week they lack motivation and find it hard to accomplish much. Their energy fluctuates more than most people, and it is very much a reflection of what is going on inside.

 

It is hard for Sun opposition Moon people to find happiness within themselves. They tend to look outside of themselves for fulfillment. They are inclined to form serious relationships at an early age, simply because of this tendency to try to find an answer to happiness from an "other". They are prone to divorce, partly because of this prematurity, and partly because their needs are complicated. Full Moon people are also more apt to seek counseling because of this need to find answers.

 

These people appear to be very self-aware. They entertain a myriad of different points of view and perspectives. They are excellent psychologists and are able to read character and uncover motivations--but with an important caveat: if they are too emotionally close to the situation, they fumble. The truth is, although they appear to know much about how people tick, they spend a good part of their lives uncovering more of themselves and learning about themselves. Generally, this is done through comparisons or through the mirror of relationships.

 

They can most certainly frustrate the people who are close to them with their indecisiveness and frequent changes of mind (and of heart). A word to those who deal with this on a day-to-day basis: their changes of heart are not a form of insincerity-- they are the result of an internal struggle that is very real and very confusing to live with! Sun opposition Moon people can be temperamental, insecure, and very sensitive. The ability to put themselves in someone else's shoes, and to consider other points of view, is a true asset. However, at some point in their lives, they need to uncover what it is they truly want. This comes easy to New Moon people, and can be a life-long struggle for Full Moon people. On the other hand, it is extremely easy for a Full Moon personality to understand others' points of view--something that doesn't come as easily to a New Moon personality. Sun opposition Moon people are generally interesting and complex. Born under a Full Moon, they can be a bit "loony", perhaps manifesting itself in a unique sense of humor."

 

This explains very well a lot of internal emotional struggles that I'm facing. Not that it provides solution, but it helps me understand my challenges and accept myself and not beat myself for feeling the way I feel. So, once that is taken care of, I can move ahead in a positive way. So I can tell myself "Okay, don't worry about why you are feeling this way. Stay objective, stay focused and make a decision."

[LAYAAN]

My parents are getting ready to leave. I called and talked to my dad. He will be getting iron dextran I.V. I told him that I love him and I want him to be healthy and happy no matter what.

Talked with my mom. She seemed much better.

I feel much better after talking to my parents today. I hope my dad tolerates iron well and doesn't get reaction anaphylactic reaction.

[annie24]

i am sorry tinu. i hope your dad feels better soon. like the other posters said, you can't really do any good by going over to india right now, it's not as if you can treat him, and he has treatment there for him. and YOU know that you aren't partying all night, and sleeping at day, so don't let them make you feel guilty. you are working so hard.

 

will your committee let you graduate without this paper being published? i know my department doesn't require any publications to graduate.

[LAYAAN]

Thanks Annie.

The answer to your Q is - most likely no. My university requires that a graduate student in basic sciences has at least 1 paper accepted and one more paper submitted to be considered for PhD.

My professor is someone who follows the rules word-to-word about such things. I know because he told me "If I write your discussion, I will not let you put that discussion in your dissertation." There are faculty who write entire papers for their PhD students. Again, everyone has their own style. My senior grad friends told me to get out of his lab ASAP. They told me what kinda guide he is. He is tough and he comes from old school of thought. So, I don't think that he will let me get out like that. The only Q is if money doesn't last and he can't pay me stipend, he will have to do something and let me go.

Good that your department doesn't have this as a requirement.

[LAYAAN]

Poor Tinu. Honestly, I think that is all you can do. The best thing you can do for yourself and for everyone else is to finish what you have worked so long and hard toward, so that you can at least be free to get on with the rest of your life.

Thank you Marsh.

[LAYAAN]

Tinu, I am sorry to hear about your fathers health. As hard as it is, do not let them guilt you into anything.

Is there really something that you could be doing over there to achieve an improvement in a short time? If not, there is no point in traveling over just for the sake of it.

I am sure your mom will keep you posted on any developments.

I know you are feeling down and it's challenging, but try not to let this defeat you

Thank you Penelope.

By the way, mood gym is going good. It really has helped me identify negative self talk and how it affects my thinking, views, and how it precipitates an anxiety attack in me. So, I have been making a serious effort to catch my thoughts when I tend to make statements like "I'm never gonna make it.""This always happens to me." etc. I tell myself right at that time to stop thinking that and think positively.

[penelope13]

^^ Oh fantastic! Keep up the good work and the good spirit!

[LAYAAN]

Yes, Penny. I am really beginning to understand the meaning of old saying "When life gives you lemon, make a lemonade." Try to make best out of what you got, try to push yourself to achieve the kinda life you want to achieve and help others along the way.

[LAYAAN]

So, I came to school today to work some more on my data. Its calm here. The weather outside is so good. Just makes me thankful to feel and breathe the fresh air. I wanted to cook today, but couldn't because they have taken the electric stove unit on my floor apart (I didn't know that), so I will go upstairs to cook tomorrow or simply wait until Monday evening to cook. I want to get some work done today and tomorrow.

I'm hanging in there. Once my periods start my mood stabilizes, otherwise its tough to go through PMS.