Thoughts, ramblings

[annie24]

good for you!!!!

[LAYAAN]

It hit me hard today while I was running around doing chores that I'm the one responsible for where I'm today.

Few years ago when I started my PhD program, I should have consulted others for advice. I did not. I just went with whoever was willing to give me stipend. I should not have done that.

I should have investigated true nature of a PhD program. I did not do that and that is the reason why its been 6 years and I'm still without a paper. Noone else, but I am responsible for that. PhD is about taking control of the situation, pushing yourself, finding innovative ways to get things done. Yes, luck plays a role, but it always does and you can't control it.

I am responsible that I didn't choose a lab wisely. I'm responsible that when the stress of school was too much for me to handle, I went around looking for a relationship whereas in reality I should have gone for counseling to understand why I've this need to be in a relationship instead of focusing on my school. I got together with an abusive and a wrong man and I stayed in that so called relationship until he found someone else to move on with. I didn't take charge of the situation. I let the man be in the driver's seat. Okay, but why are you willing to become a passenger? Then I went through a massive depression and enrolled myself on EH. What was the need?

I have acted foolishly. I really did. I'm lucky that I didn't end up married to a wrong guy or worse end up getting pregnant. I could have. I guess my God saved me. I hope I've realized now that irrespective of your gender you need to take care of your own stuff. Its true, I've seen examples where a man has provided his wife everything, but I haven't seen such men in my life. If things go wrong, I need education to fall back on. So, I need to take care of my own stuff. Noone is going to provide for me.

 

I pray to God that he will keep my sanity intact and I wont run around and get myself into a bad relationship now on. I do not know what to do with yearning for affection. I am going to ask my psychologist that Q when I go to see him.

[LAYAAN]

I finished doing my laundry today. I feel great!

I also made 2 dishes.

1) brown rice pulao

2) cauliflower with garbanzo beans

I enjoyed eating my meals today for a change.

[penelope13]

Good for you to start realizing that the power over your life lies within you, nobody else!

[LAYAAN]

some of the Qs I have over and over are -

- What do I do with this yearning I have for affection and relationship?

- I feel very isolated and lonely. I see students dating other students, techs, postdocs, etc. Most of the students who came in with me are either graduating, or have graduated, or have dropped out. I feel like I can't associate with anyone.

I feel a desperate need to have a mentor/senior friend who I can talk to about the challenges in PhD program I'm facing and some challenges specific to myself due to my emotional make up and my family situation, my visa situation, my gender, age and pressures that it brings along.

[annie24]

i think you should look into your school's counseling program. i am part of a PhD support group, i find that helpful. i think you would too.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I have a counselor there. I'm going to ask him these Qs.

My previous counselor's answer to that is - we are built that way. You are normal.

I can't tell you Annie, how much I want to be in a decent relationship. I really want to come home to someone. I'm tired of being alone. I just want to be associated to someone.

[annie24]

what about getting a dog? they are great companions, and you might meet someone while walking him at a dog park?

[Celestialagape54]

Tinu, I just wanted to say thank you for posting the link you did for a reason to live. I thought it was very nice of you to share that with the forum.

[LAYAAN]

what about getting a dog? they are great companions, and you might meet someone while walking him at a dog park?

Sure, I thought about it. I was busy with my internship then, was coming home only to sleep. I'm reluctant to get a dog since I'll have to move out of the dorm before that and look for an apartment first that is pet friendly. Not saying that is not possible, but renting an apartment here is quite costly. I think, I should look into it now though. It actually might be a good option than to look for love.

[LAYAAN]

Tinu, I just wanted to say thank you for posting the link you did for a reason to live. I thought it was very nice of you to share that with the forum.

sure, you are very welcome. Hope you benefit from reading that article. We all need to find that reason to live and keep reminding ourselves of it in tough times. Take care.

[penelope13]

What you do with all the yearning? - You use the energy from that to becoming the best possible version of yourself that you can be! Nobody is nor ever can be perfect, but we can all improve ourselves. Try to become a person that you would be attracted to yourself (let's be honest, you wouldn't want to date someone who is full of self doubt, anger, frustration, negativity - no matter how nice a person he might be in other respects).

 

You should check out this website (someone on ENA posted the link): link removed. The site is designed to help people change their negative thinking patterns.

[nightsky123]

Wow, thanks for posting the link, penelope13! I just clicked on it out of curiosity, but it has proved very helpful. I never even knew that I had been thinking negatively! Lots of new, interesting things to learn!

Thanks again!

[LAYAAN]

Hello Penelope,

Thank you for sharing a wonderful resource with me. I was indeed looking for a cognitive behavior therapy. I have opened an account on the suggested website and I am hopeful to be benefited from it.

I really appreciate your sharing this resource with me.

[penelope13]

Please let us know how you are doing with the website!

[LAYAAN]

I registered today. I'll post updates here.

I'm very hopeful that it will give me tools so I can make a positive change in myself.

 

My results for the depression test -

in the middle to high range

[LAYAAN]

Your Warpy Thoughts Quiz results for the Assessment Module

 

The need for approval from others 14%

The need to be loved 15%

The need to succeed 11%

The need to be perfect 12%

The sense of being able

to influence/be responsible for

other people's emotional reactions 13%

Happiness is contingent upon

external things 13%

The sense of feeling deserving 22%

[LAYAAN]

I got up early today, came to school. I hope to get some work done while its quiet around here.

[LAYAAN]

I had an interesting day today.

1) I asked my boss if I could work from home as much as I can (reading papers, etc.) since the lab is much noisy, people come and talk, it disrupts my attention and focus. He said that he is okay with it. There is this woman in our lab. She considers herself to be the professor. Teaches some labs here there, gives everyone a hard time. She sat down with me "Who is disturbing you?"

Me "noone, why?"

Her "You should be able to come to lab and be able to do your work without any interruption. You have repeated told Dr. x. He told me that before also. I let it slide initially."

Me "Right. I didn't take anyone's name. Seems like you are taking it personally."

Her (annoyed) "When you say that you are getting disturbed in the lab, anyone will think who is disturbing her? You are intelligent, you will think like that too."

Me "No, I would not. I didn't tell Dr. X that some people in particular were disturbing me. I told him that I sit next to the corridor. I can't close the door. I want to work in peace when I'm trying to focus."

Her "Okay, I just wanted to clarify for my sake. I always make appointment with you."

Me "Sure"

This woman always is picking on me. The boss listens to her. She blows things out of proportion whatever he tells her. Come on! Mind your business. Noone has taken your name. Why are you wasting your and my time, coming to me talking to me? Don't you have enough work of your own?

 

2) I applied to a short summer course in Diabetes and Metabolism. Last year I was selected with a scholarship. This year I asked my boss (who snapped at me last year) to write me a good LOR. He said he will and he told me that he did. I didn't get selected. The course coordinator emailed me that they got too many applications this time. I don't trust that my boss wrote me a good LOR.

 

3) My psychologist told me today that he thinks that I'm psychologically and emotionally not my age. I get upset at small things, I want someone to make decisions for me. I want someone to tell me "Don't do that. you will be much better off if you do this instead." Right, now I don't know what to do with that information. I'm still wondering if that is true.

[LAYAAN]

My NAPLEX is scheduled for late August. I'm sad that I didn't get accepted to the short summer course this time, but I think instead of running around now, I should really just focus on my PhD and passing the pharmacy boards (if my God is willing) and just move on with my life. This has already been a long journey. 2 weeks of course + 2-4 days to adjust, I would have easily lost good 3 weeks of studying for the exams. May be its good that I didn't get accepted. Now if I could just stay focused. I'm sick of looking at books and even sick of the word "studying". Don't know how I'm going to pull this board studying on. I really got to buckle up and finish it and pass the test in first go so I can transfer the score. May be this is what my psychologist means by I'm emotionally still in my early 20s. I can't prioritize like an adult and take responsibility like an adult.

[LAYAAN]

Lately I have been feeling like I should join EH back. I know that it hasn't worked for me before, but what other choice do I have? I feel like if I'm looking then I have hope that something might work. Now I'm not even looking. Its been I guess 1.5 years since I'm officially off EH. I don't know what else to do. I don't want to join those free sites because I'm not looking for a booty call. I'm looking for someone who is sincere and wants to get married. I feel this intense desire to join EH back. I don't know what to do.

 

I looked at my NAPLEX books last night and just the sheer volume of the information makes me freak out. Plus my PhD, I guess I have more than enough on my table already. I sometimes don't understand myself. I clearly don't have time to date, well, I should not have time to date if I'm serious about my studies, losing weight, praying regularly, keeping other activities going in my life, but I'm still wanting to join EH. God only knows what is wrong with me.

[penelope13]

Tinu, do you really think you are up to dating (in whatever form)? - Shouldn't you better invest your energy into your exams and your PhD? Are you sure you have learned how to deal with rejections? Did you get rid of your frustration and anger?

[annie24]

yeah, i agree with Pen. as a person who is also finishing up her PhD, i can tell you that there is too much uncertainty and stress and just not enough time to date. well, i guess i can go on some casual dates right now, but probably nothing with the intention of marriage.

 

honestly, i think if you just make the "final push" turn in your papers, finish the PhD, pass the pharmacy exams, you will be in a better position to date then because at least things will not be in as much limbo. i do think that EH or any other dating site is just a distraction for you. and you need to be focused so you can get the heck out of grad school!!!!

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I understand what you all are saying to me. I can't practice it, though.

I'll tell you what I intend to tell even my psychologist in the next session -

I have noticed a trend in my behavior. When the stress is too much for me to bear, I just want to do something relaxing. I want to take my mind off the stress even for some time. I don't drink, party, shop (only will eat out once in a while or buy icecream or buy cookies), go to movies, or have sex, so how am I expected to relieve stress? Yes, I go for walking, go to my trainer x2/week, eat sweet foods, try new recipes, watch TV, sleep, but its not enough. Its such a mundane life.

The reason why I'm wanting to join EH back is so I can start going out on dates and can know that I'm still in the running, that I'm taking steps to find the guy. I have this fear in my mind and I was thinking of creating a thread about it that 2 years later there will be no suitable man left on for me, everyone will be married. I know, I know that its nothing but fear, but it still takes me over.

[annie24]

do you really think in the next 2 years, the world will run out of suitable men?

 

and when they ask you on your dates, "when are you intending to graduate, where will you get a job, what job do you want, what is the pay?" will you freak out?