Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

I am wondering about my life and what route it has taken. I do not know who to talk to about this. I do not know who to turn to for comfort and advice.

 

I'm on LinkedIn. I saw the profile of a person that I met for some sorta professional networking while in India and I tried my best to stay in touch with him. I'm impressed by the fact how well he managed his career. He came to the US for his PhD in PK/PD and completed his PhD in 4 years and now Pfizer hired him. When I look at his career graph, I tend to bash myself. I'm not jealous. I'm glad he is doing well, but I wonder why I'm not able to take good career decisions. I feel that I always sorta just drifted along. I feel that I have never been serious about my career.

 

- Right out of high school, I took an impromptu, kinda emotional decision to go to pharmacy school instead of going to engineering school. That was a major mistake.

- I kept wondering if I made the right decision or not, but didn't know enough about my own self to understand that when my mind is not at rest, I need to stop and reassess the situation. So, I talked myself into believing that its just a new phase of life, I'm spending a long time commuting to work, just hang in there, things will be alright. Things kept going downhill from there. They never became alright.

- When I was in 2nd year of pharmacy school, kids in the program started studying for GRE. I should have started preparation with them. I didn't. I would be done with schooling by this time. I told myself that I won't be able to handle more than 1 thing at a time, so I would just focus on graduating from pharmacy school and then I'll decide what I want to do. Again another bad decision. As I remember, kids in my program prepared for several exams at a time, GRE, entrance exam for masters in pharmacy, and MBA. What did I do? nothing. I hate myself for that. I regret the opportunities I've lost.

- Right out of pharmacy school I joined work as a pharmaceutical representative. Another bad decision. I didn't enjoy the work. I was definitely not cut out for it. My personality is quiet, honest, sweet, studious type. It was a mis-match for this type of job. I couldn't take it anymore. The difficult direct supervisor, the difficult boss. My own mom telling me to leave the job.

I distinctly remember the night when I resigned from the job and came home. The phone rang and my friend from high school told me that she was leaving for the US within a week for her MS program. I realized what have I done with my life?

- Shortly after that I joined a local hospital and started working as a pharmacist there. I basically took the job because I didn't want to sit home and I didn't want to work as a pharmaceutical representative anymore. I realized soon that there was no more professional growth, it was the same work day in and day out. I worked with mean, negligent coworkers, there was a legal case because of the mistakes a coworker made, since I brought it to the notice of the management, the hospital made me chief witness. I started getting harassing calls. Working with this person became almost impossible.

- About this time, my mom had started telling me to leave the job and look into pursuing further studies. I got in touch with someone from a local research lab, they agreed to take me in as a volunteer to assist a senior researcher. I could put that on my CV for an MS/PhD position.

- I started studying for GRE and also wrote an entrance exam for MBA during this time. Shortly after that, I finally took GRE, TOEFL, started applying to schools in the US.

- Now, when I look back I realize how naive, trusting, foolish, and clueless I was. I didn't know what to look for in a school or graduate program. Money was a big factor. Getting tuition, stipend was a big one. I got accepted into 2 MS programs, and a PhD program. My dad said at the last moment, "I will not be a guarantor for your student loans." The only option I was left at that time was to take the PhD admission with full stipend and tuition-waiver and move on with my life or to take a chance and look for another person who would be a guarantor for my student loans for MS program. I decided to go with the PhD program instead.

- When I came here, yes, I was happy and excited initially. I thought finally my trials and hardships are over. I can relax and continue along on this road. If the right opportunity presents itself I can even fall in love and get married. I didn't know I was up for surprise again.

- Shortly after I came to the US, an old friend of mine who was in the UK at that time, got in touch with me and said that we get to know each other for a romantic relationship. I instantly said yes. I thought that the guy had everything I could ask for. I thought nothing could go wrong, life seemed perfect. This was my 1st ever attempt at a relationship. The guy was too needy, I spent at least 2-3 hours on phone talking with him. Got emotionally attached. He turned out to be selfish, I went through roller coaster of emotions, crying, feeling alone, going back to him several times, all the drama.

- All during this time, I realized that I had neglected my PhD studies. I was not at all focused. I failed in one of the core courses in PhD program and had to retake it (6 mos) as a result the next courses were pushed further back and by the time I was done with my coursework and finally passed the comprehensive exam, it was already 3 years into the program. I have noone to blame but myself. Soon after all the drama, fighting, crying, the UK guy moved on, got married to someone, I found myself in deep deep depression. It took me almost a year to get out of it. It is needless to say that I was again not focused on my PhD.

- Some of the good things I have done for myself during this time of my stay in the PhD program is not get into debt, not sleep with anyone, not get pregnant, and most importantly, slowly but steadily keep taking steps towards getting licensed as a pharmacist in the US. Even when I was in 'relationship' with the UK guy, I still took step 1 and by the grace of God (I mean it because I didn't even study for it) I passed it in 1st go. Yes, even when I was deep in depression, God allowed me to see and grab an opportunity of starting my step 2 of clinical internship in early 2008. God works in amazing ways. I was casual friends with an African girl from the dorm. She introduced me to another girl who was also trying to get the pharmacist's license and was in same university, but a different program. She introduced me to this pharmacy manager where I completed my internship. Had I not met her, I don't think I could ever go out of my way to find and get this internship, because I was that busy and stressed out with my PhD program, research phase, and a difficult boss.

- During late 2008, early 2009, my 1st manuscript was rejected flat out by 3 journals. I went through a nervous breakdown in mid 2009 when my boss told me that he wasn't sure about my PhD. I was in the middle of completing my internship. The economy was down, recession was in full bloom. I had no choice, but to continue my PhD and continue to work on collecting my internship hours.

- Finally I rebuilt my manuscript, completed the pharmacy hours, CA board approved it. I'm waiting to write boards in few months.

 

Well, that's the story so far. I feel that my life has been a series of wrong decisions. I feel the pressure that now on I've to take every decision right hoping that I finally would be able to rectify all the mistakes I've made.

[WildIrishRose]

Hi Tinu,

 

You should be proud of yourself completing your internship hours and pursuing a Ph.D. You are an accomplished young woman and don't be hard on yourself. You are not alone in your thoughts and feelings. There are other women that feel similiar to you.

[LAYAAN]

Thank you WildIrishRose for your supportive comment. I appreciate it. What you say is true, but it doesn't feel that way to me and that is the struggle.

[LAYAAN]

I saw a psychologist today. He said what I'm looking for, fits better with the job description of a lifecoach, but he said he does psychotherapy, so it should help me until I find another lifecoach.

The summary of what the psychologist said today is -

What happened to you during your childhood with your being lonely, your parents fighting with each other, its all sad, but here you are and you can either accept that and grow out of it and become an independent thinking confident woman, or you are going to go deeper into depression. He said that its hard when you are repeatedly told by your parents that you are not pretty enough, you are not bright enough, and in the marriage market also you are turned down over and over. This kind of rejection takes a toll on you. Soon you start to believe all the junk that you have heard about yourself. That's the reason, why now its even more important for you to stay away from your parents, heal from what has happened with you for first 25 years of your life. According to him, I should not consider going back before becoming a strong confident woman because I'll be going back to the same parents and they will again pull me down with their own nature.

[annie24]

yeah, i'd agree with him. he has some really good suggestions.

[LAYAAN]

What I'm writing here is no longer confidential, I suppose.

There was a poster on ENA by ID ". He used to follow me on my threads and I never liked that, but I guess I couldn't do much. I also didn't think that his advice was useful, but I couldn't control who would post on my threads. He asked me for my email ID which I did give him (my mistake). He said "He didn't want to lose a friend, in case he gets banned from ENA." He told me later in one of his emails that his account was blocked by the moderator and he is banned from posting on ENA even if he wants to post here.

Apparently, it turns out that he expressed an interest in my profile on the matrimonial website. My mom mainly handles that business. I have only written the content as I realized my mom wouldn't have a clue what to write in my profile.

My parents have mentioned very clearly in my desired partner's profile section that I am open to be matched only with Brahmin boys (a caste). Well, anyways, so he expressed interest once, then again after 3-4 days, then again after 3-4 days. What is that? Finally my mom turned down his interest and he emailed me "Why did you turn me down? You deserve to go out with men who would ask you money related Qs. I would have never asked you those Qs, but I guess you don't want that. You have been acting like a victim on ENA, posting messages and asking for sympathy, but what you don't tell the ENA users is that YOU have turned down matches too."

What is that supposed to mean? We have clearly mentioned on the website that we don't want anyone other than Brahmin boys to approach us. I have a right to say that. If you approach me on that website and we turn you down, is it my fault now? So, according to you I should accept your interest even if your profile doesn't suit my expectations?

As if the following on ENA wasn't enough, now I've to deal with this situation.

 

I'm seriously considering deleting my account here and posting somewhere else. I'm tired of men following me. My abusive ex follows me everywhere I go. Now this. I'm sure ----- would read this part of my journal. You don't need to be a member to read the content posted on ENA.

[LAYAAN]

I thought that people who have been reading my threads didn't know me in real life. Now, I feel like my posts here are no longer confidential. I sent an email to the webmaster asking what other options are available and if its possible to move my journal somewhere else where only trusted ENA members can be given access to it.

I really was happy to find ENA where I could at least seek some comfort and shelter. Now, I feel like that is also gone.

[marshmlofluff]

I thought that people who have been reading my threads didn't know me in real life. Now, I feel like my posts here are no longer confidential. I sent an email to the webmaster asking what other options are available and if its possible to move my journal somewhere else where only trusted ENA members can be given access to it.

I really was happy to find ENA where I could at least seek some comfort and shelter. Now, I feel like that is also gone.

 

Yuk. I am sorry to hear that. Personally, I hate that we can no longer delete our own posts on here; it feels very "Big Brother"-like to me.

[annie24]

i am sorry tinu. that really sucks. i think it's pretty odd that he would continue to contact and argue with you after you told him you are not interested. i mean, most people get the hint and move on!!! i can't imagine ARGUING with a man to try to make him date me! like that's romantic or will work?! i mean, move on. move on dude, if you are reading this!

 

anyways, i know we've said this before, but i think you really really should just focus on finishing your phd and then moving on. i'm a bit puzzled why you won't date outside of that caste. i know that things are different in india, but at the same time, tinu, i think you are also part american. i know you really want someone to love, someone who will love you too and if that love comes in a different form than your ideal, well, what matters is that you are happy in the end. i'm not saying this to start a debate, you don't have to defend your reasons. i know that there are other members on here who have a narrow view of what they want in a spouse. i think that trying to put people into 'categories' might cause you to overlook a good match.

 

PS - you do not need to get into a debate over email about your preferences. if your profile says that you will only date men who are professional flamenco dancers, and a man writes to you demanding you date him even though he is not a professional flamenco dancer, just delete the email. anyone with two brain cells could figure out why you don't like him. maybe you shouldn't be handing over control to your mother about the profile? maybe you should do it yourself?

[LAYAAN]

What I'm writing here is no longer confidential, I suppose.

There was a poster on ENA by ID ". He used to follow me on my threads and I never liked that, but I guess I couldn't do much. I also didn't think that his advice was useful, but I couldn't control who would post on my threads. He asked me for my email ID which I did give him (my mistake). He said "I don't want to lose a friend, in case I gets banned from ENA." He told me later in one of his emails that his account was blocked by the moderator and he is banned from posting on ENA even though he wants help and wants to post here.

Apparently, it turns out that he expressed an interest in my profile on the matrimonial website. My mom mainly handles that business. I have only written the content as I realized my mom wouldn't have a clue what to write in my profile.

My parents have mentioned very clearly in my desired partner's profile section that I am open to be matched only with Brahmin boys (a caste). Well, anyways, so he expressed interest once, then again after 3-4 days, then again after 3-4 days. What is that? Finally my mom turned down his interest and he emailed me "Why did you turn me down? You deserve to go out with men who would ask you money related Qs. I would have never asked you those Qs, but I guess you don't want that. You have been acting like a victim on ENA, posting messages and asking for sympathy, but what you don't tell ENA users is that YOU have turned down matches too."

What is that supposed to mean? We have clearly mentioned that we don't want to be approached by certain people. I have a right to say that. If you know that you don't qualify in categories like this (eg. height, skin color, income, profession, caste, race, nationality, diet, smoking habits, there are black and white areas. There is no, let me apply and see) and still approach me on that website and we turn you down, is it my fault now? So, according to you I should accept your interest even if your profile doesn't suit my expectations?

As if the following on ENA wasn't enough, now I've to deal with this situation.

 

I'm seriously considering deleting my account here and posting somewhere else. I'm tired of men following me. My abusive ex follows me everywhere I go. Now this. I'm sure ----- would read this part of my journal. You don't need to be a member to read the content posted on ENA.

[LAYAAN]

i am sorry tinu. that really sucks. i think it's pretty odd that he would continue to contact and argue with you after you told him you are not interested. technically, my parents sent a standard message that is constructed by the website when you turn someone down. He didn't send me an email about it until after a month. People can't contact me through my personal email/phone through that website. I have kept my contact details hidden. i mean, most people get the hint and move on!!! i can't imagine ARGUING with a man to try to make him date me! like that's romantic or will work?! i mean, move on. move on dude, if you are reading this!

 

anyways, i know we've said this before, but i think you really really should just focus on finishing your phd and then moving on. i'm a bit puzzled why you won't date outside of that caste. i know that things are different in india, but at the same time, tinu, i think you are also part american. i know you really want someone to love, someone who will love you too and if that love comes in a different form than your ideal, well, what matters is that you are happy in the end. i'm not saying this to start a debate, you don't have to defend your reasons. i know that there are other members on here who have a narrow view of what they want in a spouse. i think that trying to put people into 'categories' might cause you to overlook a good match.

 

I knew someone would ask this Q. I myself have asked me this Q. I will respond to it. I'm not defending myself. I'm open to be corrected.

I don't claim to know everything. This is what I've deduced from my vast observation and little bit of experience.

I have traveled all over India. I have attended cosmopolitan schools in India. I realized that I was more comfortable interacting with people from certain parts of India and also certain castes only. I have friends from all religions, castes etc., but I have noticed something. In my parents' generation, education wasn't as common as it is now in my generation. Hence, people from Brahmin families were the ones who were most commonly educated. It made a difference in the way they treated women and their habits, manners, status, etc. Yes, some affluent people from other castes were able to obtain education too, but they were few. Now in my generation, everyone got equal opportunity of education. Since Brahmins controlled education and hence certain professions and jobs in India for a long time, people from certain oppressed castes are now encouraged to get higher education by reserving a quota for them. Not only caste, education, the money comes with it is a factor, but there is also another factor of culture. In my parents' generation, people were not traveling, relocating as much. In India, every state has its own language and different culture, customs, traditions, etc. People from north look different and have a significantly different culture (lower education rate, patriarchal society, liberal culture, women are not as much respected) from people in the south (higher education rate, matriarchal society, cultured, god-fearing people, religion has strong impact). Again its changing in my generation, because kids go anywhere now for education. That is the reason why you still won't find marriages between different cultures and if the few ones, normally dont' stay put. How you were raised affects to a certain extent, how you view the world. People when they get married through arranged marriage, tend to play it safe. So, instead of adding another variable to worry about, they look for as many similarities as they can. If you interact enough, you would be able to tell the difference.

 

PS - you do not need to get into a debate over email about your preferences. I only sent a polite reply that I was shocked by his approaching me on the matrimonial site. If he was so convinced that it was my profile, he could have just introduced himself. I also told him that my mom handles that and even if I did, I would have given the same answer. I have blocked his email now after replying to his argumentative email.if your profile says that you will only date men who are professional flamenco dancers, and a man writes to you demanding you date him even though he is not a professional flamenco dancer, just delete the email. yes, I guess I should have done that instead of even replying to his email. anyone with two brain cells could figure out why you don't like him. maybe you shouldn't be handing over control to your mother about the profile? maybe you should do it yourself? yes, I just don't want to do it now, because only some men there take care of it themselves. Since its a matrimonial website, mostly relatives or parents handle the business from boys' side as well. Again, there are some men who do it themselves.

[LAYAAN]

Why do I talk to my mom?

Its beyond frustrating to talk to her. Really. Honestly.

1) She emailed me today that 2 people have approached her regarding the marriage proposal. She gave them my incorrect cell phone no. Why? I don't know.

2) Now, she also told them that I'm close to finishing and that my PhD is almost over Who told her that?

 

When I told her that I won't be willing to leave California until I'm done with my pharmacy exams and I really don't want to get to know anyone during that time, etc. she started arguing.

Mom "These people have approached us. Look at your age. You will be completing 32. Who is going to marry you?"

 

Me "You are one of the most negative persons I've ever seen."

 

Mom "Well, you can't deny the fact. You want me to sugarcoat it? You are not a beauty. Your age is 33 and your PhD is not yet over. You don't have a job. You are not an engineer or a doctor. What am I supposed to do? I'm trying my best. Don't blow this. This is hard for me too. Don't say anything to the boy's dad."

 

Me "I just wanted to request you to please share with others what the truth is. Please don't say that I'm about to get PhD, because that is not the truth. The earliest all this would finish is December 2010."

 

Mom "Huh... well, I thought that you would get it sooner."

 

Me "Alright mom, I got to go. Take care."

 

My mom has a victim mentality. She thinks that noone on this earth will marry me because I am not an engineer, because I don't have a job, because I'm 33. She was never a hopeful person. She was unhappy that a girl was born, she is unhappy about my skin color, she is unhappy about the career path I chose, she is unhappy about every single aspect of me. I was constantly compared with others and was told that I'm not good enough.

[LAYAAN]

What should be my reason to live? My parents will be fine without me. They have their money after all and that is all that they care for anyways.

I feel so alone in life. I can't express it in words. I can imagine why people turn to drugs or sex. It is difficult to find warmth and affection. The people that you care for the most may not care for you. They have their own agenda. It hits me hard sometimes what a dysfunctional family I'm born into. I remember my dad saying to my mom "If I can't find love in my home, I'm bound to look for it outside." I sometimes feel like all 3 of us were just 3 people living together without any love, affection, just for the practicality of it. My mom didn't want to go back to her brother's place and live like a 2nd class citizen. My dad didn't have anywhere else to go once he retired. I realized that home was dysfunctional, but outside world was even more vicious, so I preferred to live by my mom's rules.

Give me a reason to live. Who would care if I die tomorrow? Everyone including my parents will try to save their skin. Tell me how not to get into deep depression. I can't tell anyone that I really don't have a reason to go on. If I tell this to my university psychologist, he will be bound to report it, whether I act on it or not. My friends are afraid that police would question them if I would do something to myself.

[annie24]

sheesh, she can at least give your suitors the right cell phone number!!!!!

 

tinu, your mom is so negative, please don't let it get to you.

[penelope13]

Tinu, the psychiatrist was totally right: sure you might not have had the most optimal childhood, but it's time to leave this emotionally behind and take charge of your own life. Whatever situation you describe, you are always upset/ angry one way or another.

 

We've been saying it for quite some time that currently it would probably be much better for you just to focus on your PhD. Nevertheless you let this marriage business influence your well being continuously.

 

There is no magic in life, and no husband can magically make you happy and all your issues disappear.

 

I don't know anything about your looks, I don't think that a PhD in pharmacy is something small, I don't think 32 is old - but being negative and angry is probably what is holding you back in every aspect of your life.

 

People can become addicted to negative thought patterns. You have to stop doing this. If you can't afford Cognitive Behavioral Therapy, there are books and courses available.

 

But you have to want to change something about how you think and how you perceive the world and commit to making a change.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I agree. I'm going to change my negative pattern of thinking. Its affecting every area of my life. That is so nonproductive.

 

I had posted my picture here before. I took it out for privacy. I was thinking of posting some of my pictures here to get some honest feedback from the members, but with the changed policy in deleting posts, I don't think I want to do that.

 

You can see my picture in the avatar. I don't wake up looking like this, but its one of the decent pictures of me.

[penelope13]

How can your mother say you are not a beauty?????

 

I clearly have no idea about Indian values from your parents generation and marriage market in particular, but you have NOTHING to worry about in the looks department!!!

[LAYAAN]

Thank you Penny. I appreciate it.

[LAYAAN]

I'm so proud of myself!

My car's hood wasn't staying up. It has the pneumatic support lifts/hood struts. I looked it up online yesterday, called the stores (found a cheaper deal with AutoZone than Pepboys. AutoZone sold me the item for 1/2 the price of what Pepboys told me), asked the guy in the store how to change them. Yes, finally changed those old non-functional support lifts. No more propping the hood open with a stick or something, that moves, the hood slams when you are still working. I didn't want to go to a mechanic for something that I could do on my own. Youtube videos are a great help.

[LAYAAN]

I'm going to try and stay positive. I really am.

One of those 2 guys emailed me today and said that he would prefer to text since he has a great texting plan and call once in a while. The guy is in New York, so I'm not sure how this is gonna workout.

I emailed back "My preference would be to talk on phone regularly to get to know each other better. Texting has its benefits but I'm not comfortable texting to get to know someone, I hope you understand."

We will see what happens.

[annie24]

i agree with you tinu, it's very hard to get to know someone over text. i think texting is best left for 'there's traffic, i'll be 15 minutes late for dinner.'

[LAYAAN]

yes, exactly. We will see what happens. This is strange for a man to suggest that he wants to text regularly and call once in a while. Who says that?

[annie24]

i don't see how you can get to know a man with a 160 character limit.

 

sheesh. i think maybe your mom made a horrible profile for you.

[LAYAAN]

exactly. Distance and time zone is already an issue. Now this stupidity of texting.

I hope that I've learned some valuable lessons from my previous interactions with men and I'm going to use the wisdom I've gained from past experiences.

 

- I'll be honest about my desires and needs. I will not apologize for my needs, whatever that is.

- Trust my gut feeling. When I feel something is off, I will not disregard that feeling. I'll investigate more and make wise decisions.

- I will not let a man waste my time, I will not let a man call me according to his wish and not meet me.

- I will not become a victim or adopt mentality of a victim. I will take charge of the situation in a positive way.

- I will be assertive. I will not shy away from stating my opinions in a calm tone and positive words.

- I will not be afraid of losing a man. I will not bow down to a point where I get pushed over and kicked around.

- I will maintain a healthy self-image. I will trust in myself and I'll trust in my God for His ability to provide for my needs.

- I will not rely solely on my parents to make important decision for my life. I will consult friends, and neutral party advisers before I make decisions.

[LAYAAN]

I'm proud of myself!

for how I handled the situation with this man.

I emailed him "my preference would be to talk on phone regularly. While texting has its benefits, I'm not comfortable using it to get to know someone, I hope you can understand."

 

Few years ago, I would not have said even this much. I would have just let the man decide everything and then cry that I didn't get what I wanted or that I was treated unfairly.

 

I'm really proud of myself that I took a confident step today (which is so not me) and I let the guy know in decent words what my preferences are.