Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

my STD curves were messed up yesterday. I'm going to go check on 'em again.

I hope I can get parts of my manuscript rewritten today and give it to my boss before the end of the day. He was in a bad mood since Friday I guess. I hope he is in a better mood today.

[LAYAAN]

My boss was in a much better mood today. I worked on my manuscript. I'll go either tonight or early tomorrow morning to work some more on it. I like it when there is noone there. I can focus on my work better. I don't bring work home. When I'm home, I prefer to relax and not think about work, school and all the anxiety causing stuff.

Met with campus engineering director to see if I could talk to those men. He gave me an appointment to talk to them tomorrow after their every-day meeting. I'll spend few hours trying to look all cute and go all dolled up, so those men listen to what I've to say and hopefully cooperate. Sent an email to Campus security director, will follow-up on that tomorrow. Finally got my car's registration renewed. I hope, I really hope that my car doesn't break down again this year. My friend was telling me that her car's check engine light is on but she is going to wait until next year to see if she has to get work done on her car to clear smog. She is not gonna worry until then. Thats what I did. Waited more than a year to get work done on my car.

Someone's mail was mistakenly put into my mailbox. I opened it without even reading the name on it. It was a credit card statement and I started freaking out. Called the company, this and that. Finally I realized that it wasn't even for me. Went back to return the opened mail. Thank God. Things are already tough financially.

[LAYAAN]

I went to talk to Campus Engineering people today. I talked to their boss yesterday and he seemed interested in our study. He also seemed like a kind man who was interested in helping out. I introduced myself and our study and got a few subjects there. It went very well.

I walked up to a bunch of men working in the lawn today and asked what department they belonged to. They said "Campus landscape". Alright, I got a hold of their boss. He agreed to give me time to introduce our study in their staff meeting on Thursday. I talked to the secretary and confirmed the timing.

Got an email confirmation from the Campus security director and she agreed to give me some time in their staff meeting too. Its far, but its still doable.

I'm really thankful for how these people have cooperated.

I remember a few days ago I was so stressed. I didn't know I was going to collect subjects with practically no budget. We barely have money to buy kits for research. Glad I can collect some subjects from on campus.

[LAYAAN]

I have no clue what is going on.

I was pulled over again today by a cop. I have no functional brains left. Seriously. After being pulled over, I opened the door, got out of my car, and couldn't see anything in the dazzling lights of his car, so tried to cover my eyes with my hands.

He ordered "Get back into your car."

I did, but kept the door open.

He ordered "Close the door"

I did.

He came and said "You put everyone around in a very dangerous situation when you get out of your car like that."

I couldn't understand why he would think like that, but I didn't ask any Qs.

He told me I was going at 53 in a 35 mile school zone, but at 8 pm? I don't get it. Well, what can I say. I didn't say a word.

I turned out to be super lucky today. The cop was actually a nice guy. He checked my license, registration, and insurance and let me off the hook with a warning.

I came back and read some articles online 'how to deal with cops when you are pulled over'. Now I know why he thought I put him in a dangerous situation when I got out of my car and stood facing him. Thank God he didn't take it too seriously.

I think I should give driving a little break. I dont' know where these cops come from behind my car. I didn't even notice his car. They find me out of nowhere. I somehow tend to attract cops.

That said, I really got lucky today. I wished him a good night when he let me go.

[annie24]

were you really going 53 in a 35 zone?

[LAYAAN]

I don't know. I was not looking at the speedometer. He caught me on radar. On my way back, I watched my speed and didn't go above 45, I felt like I was driving too slow. So, I guess my "normal" speed of driving is above 45, so he could be right.

[annie24]

i think you're lucky all you got is a warning. day or night, if it says 35, stick to 35!

[LAYAAN]

Yes, I really got lucky. I just paid off my 1st speeding ticket and still feeling the burn of it. I really can't afford any other ticket.

Man, God bless that officer. He was really nice. I don't know what some other cop would do seeing me jump out of my car like that.

[LAYAAN]

I'm already having a rough start for this day.

CA bureau of business, collections department called me out of nowhere and said that my university hospital sent my medical bill worth more than $500 to collection. I was caught by surprise. I tried to sort the matter out. Turns out that they sent me a medical bill which I never received because they had wrong address on record. Am I responsible then that I didn't get the bill? They sent it to collections without my notice. I talked to the billing guy and got that matter taken care of.

My physician says that I need more physical therapy. Its been over a week, I sent the new prescription to the rehab department, they didn't get back to me. I had to call them and follow-up on that. Their excuse "Well, the girl who normally works here is out on maternity leave. We will let you know in 2 days if your insurance covers this or not." Come on, I'm sitting here in pain since last week and I've been waiting for a word from them. These guys... I don't know what to say.

Early morning we had a subject for our research come in. He said he can't come any other day, he wants to come today only. Alright, he started making sounds as though the phlebotomist was hurting him. Come on dude, have some sense. You are not a kid. We all are adults. I would take it if he was in pain, but he was faking it and later started laughing. Others started peeping through the door to see what were we doing to the guy.

The internet at my place isn't working. I'm able to get internet access by logging on to wireless zone. This was supposed to get corrected on Monday itself. We are four days into the week and still without internet connection.

[LAYAAN]

My boss corrected all sections from the manuscript that I had submitted and was frustrated and said that I'm still not improving, this and that. Well, if you are going to micromanage, you will get frustrated. I'm not responsible for that. He called me lazy. He knows I work hard.

The world outside is harsh, brutal. I hope I find a man that I feel like coming home to. Whats the use of getting married otherwise if you are getting same nonsense from your husband as well.

I've to rewrite discussion chapter today and I'm already panicking. I dread going back to lab to write that.

[annie24]

Whats the use of getting married otherwise if you are getting same nonsense from your husband as well.

 

yes, i agree. you have to choose a husband carefully.

[LAYAAN]

I talked with my mom today. She talked about an interesting incident from my childhood.

Ever since I was a year old my parents have had cats. Those days (and I believe even now) they didn't fix their pets. Our cat had kittens. I remember she had several kittens, many times. They wouldn't survive. I lived in a big house with my father's brother's family, grandparents, and my paternal gradnpa's unmarried brothers. Stray male cats would come from wherever and eat or take away these new-born kittens. So, when finally one survived, we kept it in a cupboard that had a tight door and we left a crack so it could breathe. I had just learned to write complete sentences. So I stuck a note on the cupboard "This cupboard holds kitty." My grandpa came and said "Hey, why did you write this note? What if a stray male cat reads it?" Wow... I never thought about that. I rushed to the cupboard and corrected (?) my note "This cupboard holds kitty, sorry a baby monkey."

My mom told me this today and we laughed till we cried.

[LAYAAN]

My mom told me that she has been doing some charity work and someone interviewed her for that. They are gonna write about her in the local newspaper. I told her that I am very proud of her for that.

[LAYAAN]

I don't know what to do.

I promised my friend (our common friend who introduced me to my last ex, the fireman guy) that I'll go with her for a 5K walk/jog. I recently saw my ex at the St. Patrick's day party and all the feelings came back. I don't want to see my ex anywhere really. I don't want to know if he has moved on or has feelings about me. I'm not ready to see him in a group, feel nothing inside, and treat him like how you would treat a stranger. I'm also in a vulnerable situation with my school stress, studying for pharmacy exams, feeling lonely and wanting someone to come home to. I'm afraid that I might just spring back to him due to all this. He may not even take me back, or worse yet, he may take me back and then abuse me. I'm not in a good position to make a wise decision about men. I don't need drama in my life right now. Also, I don't want to create additional stress in his life. I personally don't like on-off relationship. My preference is to try my best while in a relationship and not act on whims. That is why sometimes I take on unnecessary non-sense as well. I hate the idea of going back to a man that I previously said no. Yes, its about pride, but its not only about that. My logic is: You were unhappy for a reason. Unless your priorities are changed or you know that the other person has changed, you should not go back. If you do, you are just saying that its okay for them to treat you the same way they did before and you would still take it. That gives a person more power to abuse, I think.

I don't know how I should tell my friend that I really don't feel like taking part in that walk with my ex there in it. I just really do not want to sit closer to my ex. I don't want to see him. I don't want to look at him. I don't want to take any favors from him (like my car broke down on St. Patrick's day. Had to take his help.). What do I do? How should I tell her? I don't know anymore.

[annie24]

are you sure he will be there?

[LAYAAN]

Hey Annie,

How are you?

 

Yes, my friend told me that she has alredy asked him if he wants to participate in that run and he agreed to it. So, I guess he would be there. Also, for the St. Paddy's day party, I wasn't told that he would be there. If I knew I would have never gone. I kept thinking about him a few days after that, kept questioning my decision of breaking up with him. How is that going to help me?

[annie24]

well, if many people are running, i don't see why you would see him? unless your friend wants to run along with him?

[LAYAAN]

well, my friend, her friend, myself and my ex would be going. Its not like LA marathon even though they call it a race. The proceeds go to charity. So, I'm not sure how many people will participate.

[LAYAAN]

I worked almost 12 hours today, ate at the caf. Don't know why I still am craving food. I went to see security guys, put the new data together with old data for paper 2. Not sure whats it saying really. One thing is for sure, we need to recruit some more males into our study. I will send the data to my 3rd PI tomorrow and see what he says.

I trimmed my hair somehow today. Was super tired when got home, wanted to go for a walk, was too late for me to walk outside. So, I decided to trim my hair. I just snipped the ends only quarter of an inch. I hope to wash it tomorrow. My hair looks terrible if I dont straighten it. I don't like the damage that the heat causes to my hair.

I finally got Olay total effects today. With summer on its way, I've to start wearing it or my skin is gonna get sun damaged.

[LAYAAN]

Today has been a rough day for me.

My professor was stressed and took it out on me as usual.

When I asked him if he had any more suggestions on my paper, he said that he has other priorities.

Alright, so I kept quiet. Now, he called and cussed at the paper. He said that the paper has been just going downhill and he is very unhappy and displeased with the paper. I made the changes that he asked me to make. Now, he claims that the changes are not helping the paper and everything is just useless.

I just had too much to bear for today and have been crying. Don't know what to do. I'm going deeper into depression. I can't seem to have an honest, open conversation like a professional with my professor. I'm tired of living under fear. What can I do?

My head has been spinning all day today. I tried to eat a little bit, but felt like throwing up. I have been coughing, feeilng very cold. Don't know wats going on.

My friend just called while I was crying and I couldn't hide it. She said you are not going to call your professor back, just let him relax, you relax too for a few hours and then go look at your paper again.

My professor has been trying to be a perfectionist, making constant changes. How am I responsible then? What can I do? I feel dizzy, I tried to get up and felt like I was losing my balance. This is not good. Don't know whats happening. I am going to go lie down for a while. HOpefully I feel better.

[annie24]

i had similar problems with my advisor (though she wasn't as verbally abusive). can you see other works of his so maybe you can get a better sense of the writing style he wants? is the problem with the data or the writing?

[LAYAAN]

i had similar problems with my advisor (though she wasn't as verbally abusive). can you see other works of his so maybe you can get a better sense of the writing style he wants? is the problem with the data or the writing?

Hi Annie, thank you for your reply. No, he thinks that the problem is not with the data but my writing. He says that I'm a terrible writer and that he has to always correct my writing. People have had similar experiences with him and he is always like that. He is a perfectionist. I don't know how to not pay attention to it though.

[annie24]

can you try to emulate his writing style?

[LAYAAN]

I'll try my best now on. He makes changes then takes 'em out. He is very moody. I've chosen the wrong perosn to work with for my PhD. I really regret not listening to senior students when they told me to leave his lab, but I can't go back in time and change it.

[LAYAAN]

Life is so interesting. I cried before I finally went to bed last night. Got up now. Off to work. I don't know how to develop a thick skin. How to continue taking my professor's nonsense on and still keep smiling at him. I don't know that. Honestly, what gave me a reason to keep going in the program was that I have other co-PIs that I can run to and ask for help. No doubt, everything is an uphill climb though. I've to convince them and they have to convince the PI. What gave me a reason to keep going was my pharmacy degree and the fact that God opened a door for my internship. I am praying that CABP approves my hours and I can relax that step 2 is over. I've so much studying to do. I've been coming home tired everyday. I am trying to tell myself to shift focus. When things get rough at school I should just shift my focus to little things that keep my hope alive i.e. my pharmacy, the fact that I have other professors on the committee. Its a rough road. My PI is 67 yr old. He comes 7 days a week, 7am-7pm. Has no personal life, doesnt' want others to have any either. He is not gonna change at this age. Why should he? For whom? For a lowly graduate student that he thinks is not gonna make anything out of her graduate degree? Come on, get real. I just hope that today is gonna be a little better than yesterday. I hope I get my periods quick because this PMS is hard to deal with even for 3 days.