Thoughts, ramblings

[LAYAAN]

my friend and I relaxed after school yesterday. The weather was good. We sat on the grass and talked.

I realized something. I am doing something wrong when it comes to meeting Indian men.

1) I'm desperate to get married.

2) My desire to get married and have that title of marriage is so strong that I'll settle for anyone.

3) Especially when it comes to Indian men, I have been stooping down, belittling myself so much that when I look back at those incidences, I feel like puking.

4) Even when a date is not going good, why don't I have courage to get up and leave? Why do I have false hope that the man will go home and change his opinion about me? Why do I let these men walk all over me and then turn around and reject me saying that they don't feel we are compatible? What is going on?

I'm meeting any Indian man who is ready to get married and ready to meet me. I'm not asking key Qs that I need to ask. When finance and career Qs come up in the 1st talk itself, I'm not saying "I'm sorry, but my approach towards getting to know each other is a little different from yours. I'm primarily looking for personality and depth of character. I'm looking to see if I like spending time with the guy, if I feel comfortable with him, if we have similar values and goals in life. If I feel compatibility in these areas, then I'll proceed to talk about the business aspect of marriage, who is bringing what to the table. Does that sound acceptable to you?" and then smile. If its not acceptable to him, he can leave and you should leave too.

Honestly, rejection hurts. Whats hurting me more than rejection is knowing that I let these guys walk all over me and I didnt' stand up for myself and say what I really needed to say. That is hurting me. So, next time onwards I'll not let this happen to me. What is the use of marrying someone like this? Even if these men had said yes would you marry them? Would you be happy with them? I don't think so. So, why get angry? Why take things personally? Its not a personal attack on me. I really should be thankful that they are showing a side of their personality that I'm not looking for in a husband. I should be glad that they are saving me time and heartache. I need to be in-tune with what's going on and learn to leave if my standards are not met.

Very few women have a good self-respect, self-esteem. I wonder why?

[LAYAAN]

I'm proud of myself for doing something -

 

1) Recently on the Indian matrimonial website, a man contacted me again. A year or so ago, he got into a verbal argument with me online because he thought that I wasn't interested in him. Then one day he started chatting with me when he saw me online and said that he was feeling naughty. When I refused to chat he got angry and said that I'm making him angry and I'm wasting his time.

When he got in touch with me on Jeevansathi again, I simply ignored his profile. I'm very proud of myself for doign that.

2) Recently, a man got in touch with me on yahoo messenger. We had a chat almost a year ago. I sent him 2 emails. He never answered any of those. Now, he suddenly appeared from nowhere and asked if I was married or single.

I'm proud of myself for not writing him back.

3) The idiot who has been going blah blah constantly on phone, every weekend with me, but not talking about meeting... I did not answer 2 of his most recent calls. I wrote him an email "my phone is giving me trouble, you can send me an email if you want to share something specific" He wrote back "nothign specific, just wanted to talk about general things." I deleted his email and will never answer his call or won't even call him back. I'm proud of myself for how I've handled this. I hope to stick to my guns and not talk unless he wants to talk about meeting and shows that he has a plan to meet.

[annie24]

I hope to stick to my guns and not talk unless he wants to talk about meeting and shows that he has a plan to meet.

 

but tinu, have you actually told this man that you would like to meet him? instead of ignoring his calls, i think you need to tell him NOW, not expect him to read your mind. tell him that you are ready to meet him, if he would like to meet you, and that you two should make plans where and when to meet. he can't read your mind.

[LAYAAN]

I've told him x2. To which his reply was "As I'm talking with you, I'm getting to know you more." He has also said "I don't really want to date.""Hey, if nothing else, we can still be friends." He has told me (without my asking) that he is also talking with other girls.

He calls every Sat 10 am PST and talks for 2 hours without stopping to take a breath. I'm no longer enjoying talking to him. I'm actually thinking of writing him an email "your approach to getting to know the person is a little bit different. I prefer to meet the person after talking with them 2-3 times. Also, I intend to interact with the person a few times before deciding to marry him. After talking to you so far, I would like to meet but I feel that you are giving mixed messages in terms of your interest in me in terms of pursuing a romantic relationship. So, overall I think we are not on same page. I wish you good luck"

[annie24]

How about saying something more like, "xxxxx, i am at a stage where I would like us to meet and see if how we get along together in real life. I feel I have learned enough about you talking over the phone and now I am ready to meet in person and see if there is chemistry there. For me, I feel like I need to meet you soon, or start pursuing romantic possibilites elsewhere."

[LAYAAN]

Annie, what you have written is the truth. These are my exact feelings.

What's the point of writing that to him though? I've already said that to him on phone. If he is not taking that seriously, now writing this makes me feel like I'm begging him while he is busy talking with other women.

I'll tell you how this can backfire - he will say "okay, I'm open to meeting, but I'm busy. Why don't you come to Chicago instead?" I have recently paid $500 for a speeding ticket. I got $500 worth work done on my car. I've recently joined a personal trainer $1200 for 6 months. I'm struggling to pay off my credit card balance for this month. I can't afford to go to meet him. That's the reason why I'm not much interested in saying anything at this moment.

Instead I want to say, when you are ready to meet, you can get back in touch with me. How about that?

[annie24]

you know, i would just tell him the truth. don't mention the trainer, but i would tell him that you've recently had a speeding ticket, car repairs, and the fact that you are a graduate student, you just don't have the money to fly to chicago for a weekend at this time.

 

or, you could tell him something like:

 

"xxxxx. I have enjoyed our chats over the phone. However, I have reached a point where I am ready to meet you and see if there is chemistry in real life. I am looking for a boyfriend/husband, and I know enough about you at this point that I would like to meet you in person. However, if you do not feel ready for this, I understand and wish you all the best, but I do not feel comfortable being 'just friends'. If you decide you are ready to meet, please let me know and we can try to make plans."

 

then if he suggests you flying out to see him, i think you can just as easily say that you are busy as well! afterall, you are a grad student in her final year! and we don't get paid the big bucks. maybe when you get a job, you'll be able to afford flying out accross the country for a weekend, but not now. if he doesn't get that, or offer to pay for your ticket, or offer to fly to see you, then i'd forget about him.

[LAYAAN]

Yes, this sounds good. I like how you have worded this. Thank you so much. I'll email this to him. I have to take that step just so noone is left hanging. How long am I gonna keep ignoring his calls? How long am I gonna keep lying to him? I should just send him this email.

Thank you very much Annie. I appreciate your help.

[annie24]

no problem. good luck. i understand that your interest in him is waning the longer you talk without meeting. i would feel the same way as you. i do think the email will give you answers, one way or another, so you can move forward.

[Bergamot]

I think Annie's message is fine but I really think you should drop the "boyfriend/husband" part of it. Just my opinion.

 

Btw, $500 is a LOT for a speeding ticket. How fast were you going?

[annie24]

^^ i thought they met on a matrimonial online site though? oh well, i could be wrong. well, you understand the culture better bergamot. in either case, i do think telling him you are ready to meet should get the message accross.

[Bergamot]

^^ i thought they met on a matrimonial online site though? oh well, i could be wrong. well, you understand the culture better bergamot. in either case, i do think telling him you are ready to meet should get the message accross.

 

Yea, I also think she met him on a matrimonial site and that is actually why I believe she should avoid "boyfriend/husband" term.. specifically "boyfriend". From the way she is describing these guys I doubt if they would react well to "boyfriend". What if in his next chat he asks her "so how many boyfriends have you had?". I don't think those guys on a matrimonial site take well to Western style Dating and boyfriend/girlfriend things.

[annie24]

ah, fair enough. i see what you are saying. well, for sure, she should clear the air with hm. unless he's an idiot, he should know she is looking for a husband.

[LAYAAN]

I think Annie's message is fine but I really think you should drop the "boyfriend/husband" part of it. Just my opinion.

Btw, $500 is a LOT for a speeding ticket. How fast were you going?

56 mph in downtown. The actual ticket is $300 something + traffic school option + online traffic school fee + certificate mailed to me within a week (so extra charge) = $ 400 something. It hurts me just to think of it. The guy caught me on radar. I couldn't say anything. I went to the court to see if I could go a payment plan, but the line was way too long for me to stand in there. Some people picked on me, stopped me and asked me if they could use my phone. It was my 1st time in the court. I obviously looked lost. So, I finally decided to just pay it and learn a lesson from this.

[LAYAAN]

I think Annie's message is fine but I really think you should drop the "boyfriend/husband" part of it. Just my opinion.

 

Btw, $500 is a LOT for a speeding ticket. How fast were you going?

Oh yes, that boyfriend/husband understanding is given. I know what Annie is trying to say. I corrected it while reading her message itself. No worries about that.

[Bergamot]

56 mph in downtown. The actual ticket is $300 something + traffic school option + online traffic school fee + certificate mailed to me within a week (so extra charge) = $ 400 something. It hurts me just to think of it. The guy caught me on radar. I couldn't say anything. I went to the court to see if I could go a payment plan, but the line was way too long for me to stand in there. Some people picked on me, stopped me and asked me if they could use my phone. It was my 1st time in the court. I obviously looked lost. So, I finally decided to just pay it and learn a lesson from this.

 

Yea, speeding tickets are all about your luck. On your bad day you end up getting caught. I have got speeding tickets for going at 40mph in a 25mph zone. I have also driven at 140mph but never got a ticket.

[LAYAAN]

Yea, speeding tickets are all about your luck. On your bad day you end up getting caught. I have got speeding tickets for going at 40mph in a 25mph zone. I have also driven at 140mph but never got a ticket.

This is so funny So true. My friend was going 75 mph on freeway and the cop pulled her over and gave her ticket. She even told him "I can't drive any slower than this and not have people bump into my car in the 2nd lane. Look at people from the 1st lane they are probably driving 100 mph."

You are right. Right in front of me 6 people got pulled over. 2 cops, 2 hours, same spot, min 15 people got a ticket.

[annie24]

so did you tell him yet?

[LAYAAN]

yes Annie. I emailed him. Waiting for a reply.

[LAYAAN]

I've noticed twice including today's small incidence that there is no point in going out for a drive this time Friday night. I was bored sitting at home after school, thought I would go buy some ice-cream or take a look at some incense for my room, or just drive around and come back. I had driven only 7 minutes or so, I saw this post "DUI check point ahead" I kept driving and I couldn't see many cars going in my direction, that was strange, so I slowed-down in the middle of the lane and made a right turn at this shop which happened to be (my bad luck) a liquor shop and this cop's car was right there waiting for me. The lights were turned off, the signs were not glowing nothing. He was just waiting still like an alligator in the water for its prey to come. He sees me make a turn and starts making noise of his police car and flashing lights. My heart started racing for no reason.

He asked me "Why did you stop in your lane and decide to make a turn all of a sudden?"

"I don't see many cars around, I read the sign 'DUI checkpoint', I've never been through such a test before, I've lived in this area for 5 years now, I've never seen such a checkpoint before. I don't want to go ahead."

"Well, that's the whole point. To catch people by surprise. Can I see your driver's license?"

I showed him my driver's license.

I asked him if it was okay for me to make a left turn. He said that was okay. I chew breath mints (not gum) a lot. I have them in my purse, in my car, at my desk. I didn't want to go through that test for the fear of getting a false +ve test. There is no point in driving around on Friday night if I don't absolutely have to. I just can't afford to get another ticket anymore. I'm already struggling to make my credit card payments this month.

Why why... why did I need to take my behind out this night? and that cop had to sit there like he was just waiting for me to make that right turn.

[penelope13]

Tinu, I thought you are not drinking? -Why would you be afraid of being checked then. The way you describe the story it sounds a bit like paranoia that everyone/ everything in the world is ganging up on you. The DUI check point had nothing to do with you specifically, that is just life as a driver and serves a purpose for the general public.

 

Have you actively tried to work on your anger and resentment?

[LAYAAN]

I feel very down and discouraged today. I woke up around 4 am so I thought that it would be a great time to call my mom and check up on her. I called her. She was very frustrated with my dad and went on n on about him, how he is not taking care of his health, how his hemoglobin is only 7, how he is relying only on Ayurveda for his health, how he doesn't want to take care of any financial and court matters, how my mom is feeling physically and emotionally worn out by all this. I feel sad. I really do, but I have no clue what to do about my dad's attitude towards life, his marriage, the financial matters. I know that he is very stubborn, adamant. He doesn't listen to anyone.

I myself feel like a loser for the most part. My PhD is getting longer and longer with no real end in sight. My age is ever increasing with no man in sight. I feel like a real loser. Probably if I was married by this time I won't feel like a loser, then again success and happiness in marriage is another story. I am at a point in my life where I feel like I have no control over anything.

1) My PhD journey, no control, I feel like a slave, not to the professor, but to the process itself, I find it too gruelling, too arduous. I come home mentally fatigued.

2) I have practically no social life. I'm quiet, shy, reserved type. I go to school, go grocery shopping, come home.

3) My pharmacy license. Yes, I'm thankful that I've completed step 1 n 2, but I have no motivation to study for the boards which is step 3. It feels like just one thing after the other. Recently, my license exam application came back to me with deficiency. I got to take care of it now.

4) My dating life. The lesser I say, the better.

5) My parents bad marriage, my dad not paying attention to the court matters, his health and just blaming everyone including me for failure in these matters.

What do you do when you feel like or you practically have no control over any aspect of your life? My mom said today which hit me hard. She said "How much longer I have? 5-10 years max. I'll be gone then." What will I do? I have noone to call my own once my mom passes away. I cry just with the thought. I would probably kill myself once my mom dies. I have no reason to live. Yes, our relationship hasn't been perfect, but its something. She loves me. She did her best she could to provide me a good life. I should have taken her advice and should have just gone to engineering school. My life would have been so much better and easier today. I have no reason to go on with my life if it continues any longer the way it is today. I feel very much alone, low, down. With the way the marriage system is designed, I'm not sure I'll find a friend in this type of marriage. Who do I come home to? Who do I seek comfort in?

[annie24]

but why do you want to get married so badly? apart from the fact that that is what society 'tells' you to do.

 

if i were to swoop in and 'fix' your life, i would say put marriage on the back burner. i don't even see why you want to get married now, it seems like your life isn't in order. i get the impression that you are hoping a man will come in and fix everything for you. but that isn't the case. as you see with your parents' own marriage, it comes with plenty of headaches of its own.

 

get your life in order. that means finishing your schooling, studying for the boards, get yourself done with school and then you can move on with the next step of your life. you'll be in a better position to look for a husband as well. is there a social group you can join? my campus has an Indian Graduate Student Association, i would try to find people like that. especially because they can relate to your struggles of doing a PhD and you'll find a lot of support that way. it is really helpful. i belong to a PhD support group and it is so helpful to talk with them every week about the problems. next, you might meet new friends, and maybe even romantic interests that way.

 

hang in there, ok. don't get overwhelmed. just try to do your best everyday.

[Bergamot]

Annie, I can understand Tinu's frustrations. You may wonder why she is so worried about getting married but as some one from the same place I can tell why this is the case. Our culture is not like American culture. Americans can manage to find some one even when they are well into their 30s or 40s. They can get a divorce and still can re-marry and nobody is going to judge them. But we don't have these type of advantages. The older we get the more we lose the opportunity to find quality people. Why? Because the Arranged Marriage system makes sure that parents get their children married to some one at a certain age. For women it is usually no later than 25 and for men it is no later than 27. So even the men and women that did not meet some one special and fall in love still get married by a certain age via the Arranged Marriage system. And all the good ones are gone that way. What is left behind? People of poor quality. That is why at age 31 Tinu is meeting one guy after another that treats her so poorly and behave so stupidly during a first date. The good ones are all gone - either they met some one, fell in love, and got married OR they got married through the Arranged Marriage system. I am in my 30s as well and am struggling to find a decent woman. But all the decent ones are already gone. And day by day with our age going up it is only natural for me and Tinu to feel lost!

[LAYAAN]

Forgiveness and getting over your ex and other men that might have unknowingly hurt you.

 

Advice by Crazyaboutdogs -

"Get busy with your own life. It is not necessary to forgive in order to find peace...peace comes from not making the ex the focus of your life...from putting the ex and any crappy things she did in the garbage pail of your mind. Some actions are not nice at all and shouldn't be forgiven if the other person feels no remorse. However, moving on comes with recognizing that the rotten actions showed you the kind of person they really are and how you are much better off without them...and once you realize that, you can focus on your own life rather than re-hashing in your mind what others did. In other words, you need to throw them out in the garbage like yesterday's trash and walk away to focus on all the great things in your life and your hopes and dreams for the future."