Dream job opportunity but girlfriend wont follow.

[Merlin]

Hey all, been awhile since I posted. I am 28 years old and was living on the east coast and my girlfriend of 2.5 years is 26 and also close to where i used to live (minutes).

 

After my years of hard work in my industry I have landed my dream job with my dream company. The only catch is, that its on the west coast. I am a VERY career oriented and my gf is VERY family oriented (several sisters and brothers, large family).

 

I asked her to come live with me here because this is an amazing opportunity and it will help solidify the foundation for marriage and a family in the future (which we spoke about on several occasions).

 

So push comes to shove, when i told her about it and all she can say is what about her family family family...nothing about us, her or me.....I ask her to come live with me out here and all she can say again is she wont be happy because her family and friends arn't there (btw she doesnt have a full time career yet).

 

So I am here now, and she isn't willing to live here AT ALL, and now she wont visit because she says its to hard and getting on the plane and saying goodbye again would be to hard.

 

Now here is the thing...if she moved somewhere for a career i would quit my job in a second and follow her anywhere in the world. Unfortunately it would appear she won't do it for me obviously because she didn't follow me. I love her A LOT and she says she loves me a lot and i believe it but I cant help but feel that I am willing to do more for her then she is for me.

 

She says she won't be happy here and she wont sacrifice her happiness, but i would have done it for her!

 

What do you all think? I KNOW i made the right choice coming here and i dont regret it one bit but I cant help but feel that everything in our relationship was fine until something big happens to it that takes her out of her comfort zone and its falling apart.

 

Ideas on what we should do? She isn't being very or compromising and i DONT like the fact that she wants me to quit this job and come home when she wouldnt do the same for me and come live with me here.

 

I thin you all get the idea of whats going on, post away

[melrich]

What do you all think?

 

I wouldn't up and move with someone to support their career unless I was married...or very close to it (engaged and date set).

[Clarity]

I wouldn't up and move with someone to support their career unless I was married...or very close to it (engaged and date set).

 

I agree.

 

I don't think any mistakes have been made by either party. You followed your dream job (hopefully it's everything you've wanted, thus far) and she is sticking to what she knows she is happy with (her family).

 

Think of her decision this way - she believes she wouldn't be happy living out West. If she did move out there and was unhappy, she could only attribute that unhappiness to you - your relationship would fall apart. She might be miserable, but you would at least have your job. In a way, she might be protecting your relationship by not moving out West.

 

If you want to give her an assurance that you'll do everything in your power to make her happy out west - put a ring on her finger, that's one way she'll know that you're for real. If you're not ready for that, that's fine too, but she is NOT being unreasonable by staying where she is.

[Merlin]

I told her i would put a ring on her finger in a second and she said no she doesn't want it to be that way.

 

I think you all are missing the point that I would be willing to do ANYTHING for her including leaving my job and following her anywhere in the world if it makes her happy and she isn't willing to do it for me.

 

BTW, i asked her if she and i were married and this amazing opportunity came up she would follow me right? NOPE she said idk, and that means no in her terms.

 

The other problem is her family is ALL she knows, she thinks VERY small and never looks at the big picture only 5 minutes ahead of whats in front of her face so I am trying to tell her its a good thing but she wont see the BIG picture.

 

I even told her I would sacrafice and only stay a few years here if she moved here with me and we would go back, i would give it up for her, and she STILL said no.

 

I feel like i've always been a 2nd class citizen and her family has always and will always come first even over a husband and i dont like that.

 

Whatcha think?

[melrich]

willing to do ANYTHING for her including leaving my job and following her anywhere in the world if it makes her happy and she isn't willing to do it for me.

 

Well I think you have missed her point. She wants to stay where she is and you have chosen to move away. So in fact you are not willing to do anything for her.

 

Maybe she is telling you something. Personally I applaud you following your career but you have to accept it is not everyone's dream and maybe a stay at home girl is not right for you.

[Merlin]

I am willing to do anything for her though, I would have given up this opportunity if the discussion was about US and not her and her family and friends. WE never came up once in the talks.

 

So it made me feel like if SHE isn't willing to make this about US and our future, then I have to make the decision for me and look out for myself because she isn't....but if we both talked about it and we thought together it wasnt a good idea or if she tried to live out here for a few months and didnt like it then i would have given it up...

 

But she isnt willing to do any of that...she cant be away from her family for more then 1 week and its annoying. I am starting to think marriage life would be a disaster, wouldn't u all agree? Never being able to take an opportunity or promotion somewhere or move somewhere because we must be within arms reach of her family.

[SnowFox]

This happened to one of my brothers. Met his dream girl, on the opposite coast from his entire family. She would not leave her family, so he put his roots down there to be with her. But he was not facing an offer of a dream job at the time. He would have preferred not to live where she and her family lives, but he apparently felt he had to stay with her, so that was part of the deal.

 

Maybe you and your girlfriend share an inherent incompatibility - you are willing to be flexible about where you live and she is not. The fact that marriage wouldn't sway her pretty much confirms that.

 

She is entitled to choose to live near her family. Hopefully she will find another guy who is able to live there. Maybe 10 years from now, when she is married and has kids with him, his job will force him to move cross country. Then she really will have a dilemma on her hands.

 

You are at an age when making good career moves can have a huge impact on your future. Also, men have more flexibility in terms of when to start having a family. It sounds like you followed your heart on this decision and unfortunately, your relationship could not withstand such a move. It happens to a lot of people.

[Keyman]

It's great that you got your dream job, but, as the others have said, you can't expect her to up and move away from what is an important place for her.

 

Try putting the shoe on the other foot.... What if you had your dream job on the east coast, and she was offered her dream job on the west. Would you move?

 

I think this is an opportunity to grow for both of you. But ultimately, it falls down to a decision you need to make. Follow the job or stay for the relationship. I honestly think that following the job would be the better options, else you are going to stay where you are blame every bad point of your current job on her..."If only you'd agree to move, I wouldn't have to deal with xxx, or xxx"

 

Now here is the thing...if she moved somewhere for a career i would quit my job in a second and follow her anywhere in the world. Unfortunately it would appear she won't do it for me obviously because she didn't follow me. I love her A LOT and she says she loves me a lot and i believe it but I cant help but feel that I am willing to do more for her then she is for me.

 

It's all fine for you to say "I would quit my job in a second, blah blah blah," if she was to follow her heart, but guess what, her heart wanted to stay put, but did you stay? How long did it take you to decide to go against what she wanted? a second?

[TheSmilingTurnip]

I can understand her not wanting an engagement to be hastened by the potential move. She's right about that. Why weren't you and she engaged before?

 

I know it feels sad that she isn't willing to do this thing for you...but it's really a double-edged sword, as melrich correctly stated (in different words). You two have hit an impasse where you both have something that you're not really willing to compromise on. I mean, be really rock-bottom honest -- would you really give up your dream job?

 

It's ok for her to be family-oriented. It's ok for you to want your career. She's not flexible on the family. You're not flexible on the career. You have hit a point where it shows that you and she just have different core values.

 

And you're right about marriage - yes, her strong relationship with family might indeed make marriage difficult.

 

You don't have to decide about the relationship today. Just gather more information, and when you're ready to decide, you will know. Just be honest with yourself - you are choosing the job over her, same as she is choosing the family over moving to the west coast to be with you. She's not the bad guy. Neither are you.

[Merlin]

If i had my dream job on the east coast where we were living and she got a dream job on the west coast i would leave in a second and follow her no doubt about it, and thats no BS. Its the type of person I am, maybe it was how i was raised i'm not sure...but I was raised to support one and other no matter what, good and bad.

 

I think that she is to clingy to her family and thats gonna cause her pain in the future, and I am trying to show her there are others things in life other then that. She doesnt wanna hear it, she wants to stay there and if she had her choice she would live around the block from her family if she got her own place and force her husband to live within 45 min of her family...thats how clingy she is.

 

I think if she married someone and that person got a promotion and had to move i think they would get a divorce because A) she would say NO, no matter what, even if that man was the ONLY bread winner in the family and she wasnt woring and B) because NO man wants to not be supported by the women he loves even though he would do it for her...

 

I think I am totally right in everything I did and am doing, and i think she is TOTALLY wrong. Am I wrong here? I think I am VERY flexible and she only wants what she had because its what she knows and doesn't think big

[Theblueman123]

Don't give up your dreams just because of her, she isn't worth it. You need to find happiness for yourself and be content first before you can expect to be content in a relationship. Maybe this is a sign that you two aren't meant to be together, I know 2.5 years is a long time, but you're weighing your life dreams against a much smaller relationship.

 

My advice is that she is probably going to start checking out in the relationship. She doesn't truly want to be with you because she isn't willing to give up her "family and friends" to be with you. I would suggest talking to her and seeing if you do need to break up with her and find someone who will fit into your life.

[Keyman]

I think I am totally right in everything I did and am doing, and i think she is TOTALLY wrong. Am I wrong here? I think I am VERY flexible and she only wants what she had because its what she knows and doesn't think big

 

I don't think she is wrong. I think the only wrong thing here is that you think she is wrong because she doesn't think more like you. I don't mean this in a harsh way.

 

So... You are BOTH right and BOTH want to follow your hearts (her staying close to family is actually quite common for many people with very close links to family). So, as I read more of this thread, I get the impression that you should BOTH continue to follow your hearts and unfortunately this means going your separate ways.

[Merlin]

She is a mess and wouldnt break up with me, she said it. But I am considering it because I need someone that is 100% about me because I am always 100% about that other person, UNLESS what happened to me happens, when that person stops being 100% about me then I'm gonna stop also and look out for me and my best interests.

[quirky]

I don't know if I'm a complete dreamer but I would personally give it a go. If the relationship is great, it's worth risks. If it didn't work out, at least you tried. I understand why the OP is hurt. I guess it depends a lot on personality, how open and adventurous someone is. It's not like the OP is not serious about this relationship.

[Imprecision]

I say:

 

1. She refuses to follow you, because she has doubts whether you are "the one."

 

2. She probably does not respect you as much as she should.

 

3. Probably because you let her get away with too many things.

 

4. If you don't change this dynamic soon, she will leave you eventually anyway.

 

5. So your best option is to break up with her. Tell her, "I need a woman who's committed. Now, on my side, I'm committed. But I don't feel the commitment on your side. As a man, I can't keep going in this kind of relationship. Either you move here with me or break up."

 

6. Either she'll follow you, or she'll leave you anyway. It's probably a case of too little too late (in terms of her respecting you).

[Merlin]

good stuff here guys, anyone else?

[Merlin]

So question, how can i get her to actually visit? She said she cant because she cant handle getting on a plane and going home after seeing me. I think its dramatic and stupid....i mean you gotta see your significant other right? Her stance is retarded.

[melrich]

I think its dramatic and stupid....i mean you gotta see your significant other right? Her stance is retarded.

 

Mate, you are full of black and white statements. Is this how your conversations with her go? My way or the highway?

 

Are you sure she is on the same page as you are re. the status of this relationship? Seems she may have it pegged at a different level to you?

[Merlin]

Melrich: She is the one that brought up marriage and kids in our future (few years), so you tell me lol.

[melrich]

Melrich: She is the one that brought up marriage and kids in our future (few years), so you tell me lol.

 

Always look at behaviours, not words.

[Theblueman123]

Always look at behaviours, not words.

 

This.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

10char

[Ms Darcy]

I don't think she is wrong. I think the only wrong thing here is that you think she is wrong because she doesn't think more like you. I don't mean this in a harsh way.

 

So... You are BOTH right and BOTH want to follow your hearts (her staying close to family is actually quite common for many people with very close links to family). So, as I read more of this thread, I get the impression that you should BOTH continue to follow your hearts and unfortunately this means going your separate ways.

 

I would have to agree with this. For as much as you say you are flexible, it sounds like you are pretty black and white in your thinking as Melrich says. My concern is that you have a lot of negative descriptions of her in your mind (that she's small minded, clingy, a mess). It sounds like you don't even respect her.

 

I think you should consider breaking it off. You two sound inherently incompatible.

[arcadefire]

Sounds like you two are incompatible. She's family oriented, you are career oriented. Things couldn't last long like this, besides, if you leave this job opportunity, perhaps you will grow resentment towards her for that, or worse you two eventually break up over these incompatibilities and you don't have your dream job to fall back on.

[Merlin]

True i gotcha

[SapphireNoir10]

I wouldnt leave my family either. Im very close to them.

 

But its your dream job opportunity, you had to make the choice between her and career. You chose career.