I hate you all!

[metrogirl]

There you see. I can't even open up! Why would anyone of you even bother? I mean, there are other people who needs your help and who you can easily change into doing something with their life!

 

But that is okay...perhaps I can live with hating the world. Nothing can change it anyway. The world hates me and I hate the world. What is the problem? We are equal! I fit in!

 

You can't open up because you don't know how or because it's too painful?

 

The world is a big place with a lot of people. You can't hate the world when most of the world doesn't know each other. That means you would likely hate me and since we have never met and I know I have never made you feel bad, you don't hate me.

 

So where do we begin? I know there are quite a few people here that still want very much to help you.

[AllDarkness]

What would laughing help?

[metrogirl]

What would laughing help?

 

Well if you are laughing, for that brief moment, you aren't angry.

[Scorpion Fury]

What would laughing help?

 

It would put you in a better mood and change your perspective on things. Laughing is very therapeutic. I laugh every day. Life doesn't always have to be so serious. Try not to take it so seriously. Not a single one of us is getting out of life alive, anyway.

 

Just blurt out whatever is on your mind, whenever it's on your mind right here on this thread. Sometimes just spitting it out can help a lot.

[AllDarkness]

You can't open up because you don't know how or because it's too painful?

 

The world is a big place with a lot of people. You can't hate the world when most of the world doesn't know each other. That means you would likely hate me and since we have never met and I know I have never made you feel bad, you don't hate me.

 

So where do we begin? I know there are quite a few people here that still want very much to help you.

 

I don't know. Maybe both.

 

If the world doesn't hate me, then tell me why people hate or dislike me? No matter where I go, people see me as something that shouldn't have been allowed to go near them.

 

Yes, it always starts well, but when I open up what happens? NO ONE FREAKING CARES!! Instead it is always like: "Oh, ok good for you...now I am just going to stand right over here, bye...!"

[Scorpion Fury]

I don't know. Maybe both.

 

If the world doesn't hate me, then tell me why people hate or dislike me? No matter where I go, people see me as something that shouldn't have been allowed to go near them.

 

Yes, it always starts well, but when I open up what happens? NO ONE FREAKING CARES!! Instead it is always like: "Oh, ok good for you...now I am just going to stand right over here, bye...!"

 

I doubt that's the case. I really do. I think you are misinterpreting something. Does your face have a natural frown? Mine does sometimes, and it makes people think I am mad about something, when I am not. Maybe you look angry or unapproachable, so people avoid talking to you? It happens to me sometimes.

[AllDarkness]

I doubt that's the case. I really do. I think you are misinterpreting something. Does your face have a natural frown? Mine does sometimes, and it makes people think I am mad about something, when I am not. Maybe you look angry or unapproachable, so people avoid talking to you? It happens to me sometimes.

 

So there is something wrong with my natural face? Good to know...

[Scorpion Fury]

So there is something wrong with my natural face? Good to know...

 

lol. no sweetie, that's not what i meant. I am trying to think of a logical reason why you would think people you don't even know hate you.

[metrogirl]

I don't know. Maybe both.

 

If the world doesn't hate me, then tell me why people hate or dislike me? No matter where I go, people see me as something that shouldn't have been allowed to go near them.

 

Yes, it always starts well, but when I open up what happens? NO ONE FREAKING CARES!! Instead it is always like: "Oh, ok good for you...now I am just going to stand right over here, bye...!"

 

 

Ahhh but see, you have people here that care.....Just because we don't know you doesn't mean we don't care. Everyone that has come here was a stranger with problems and many of us have bonded because we care. It starts with one person. Why are you so reluctant to let us help you? At least let us try. Give us that. We are not professionals, we are ordinary people with problems ourselves. We do this because it helps, it helps the person looking for help and it helps us because we have done something good.

[AllDarkness]

Ok, so what is it you people exactly want me to tell you?

[Scorpion Fury]

Ok, so what is it you people exactly want me to tell you?

 

anything. anything on your mind, specific things that are bothering you. anything.

[metrogirl]

Ok, so what is it you people exactly want me to tell you?

 

 

Anything specific that is bothering you right now.....

 

Not the general, I hate the world and the world hates me.

[AllDarkness]

Ok then...

 

From the age of 6 to 15...I lied and stole things from people a lot of time. I don't know why I did it but I know that I am the only one in this world to blame for doing these things. There hasn't been one week without thinking about what I did back then. I hate myself for doing it and I'll never forgive myself for doing it. What I am afraid of is that I would return to it and being caught and suffer the consequences.

 

When I started at school the teachers considered me a slightly gifted child because I manage to learn reading on my own at the age of 4, 2 years before I started at school. The first 3 years bored me in school, so the teachers had to give me 5th grade stuff before I felt that I didn't understand anything.

 

But then I changed to a school for children with a gift for singing. AND HOLY CHRIST! I woke up and saw reality. I went from a school where I was the "supreme" one to a school where I was the loser. Every child was at least as good as I was and for the first time I struggled. After that I never considered myself talented in any way...

 

The teachers were also different. Suddenly, I felt that the teachers was constantly critizising me all the time. They called me a big lazy guy, a guy who always was asleep, and all of that made the other students avoid me when we had to be in groups...

 

Because of that I tend to do things myself. But it didn't help me. My grades suffered from it and I barely got into High School. At first they didn't believe I was smart enough, so they send me to test. I passed it but it haunted me through high school. I often found myself asking: "Why do I even think that I have the brain to be at the same level as the rest of the students?"

 

And so it ended: I barely got through High School...and with grades that no one wants!

 

There are so many more things to tell, but now I feel bad about writing these things...like I am vulnerable...I guess,that is why I hate opening up...I feel that now you know these things about me, you can use them to hurt me.

[BellaDonna]

The teachers were also different. Suddenly, I felt that the teachers was constantly critizising me all the time. They called me a big lazy guy, a guy who always was asleep, and all of that made the other students avoid me when we had to be in groups...

 

I am so sorry to hear that. A teacher can really make or break one's confidence. It's terrible that they did that to you.

 

I had a Math teacher in high school that was so mean to me that he literally caused me to be depressed for 2 years and hate math for the rest of my life (whereas I was relatively confident with my math skills before having him). At one point it got so bad that I actually snuck a tape recorder into class and taped him- and played it back to my guidance counselor.

 

That teacher would always call on me and pick on me in front of the class- on purpose- and when I didn't know the answer I once said "I don't know" with a nervous smile. Well he said in front of the class "She's smiling, at least we kow she is a happy dummy"

 

To this day it remains one of the most hurtful and embarassing things that has ever happened to me in my life.

 

In high school you want so badly to find your place within your peers and if a teacher shames you in front of your classmates, it can really hurt.

 

So I'm sorry it happened to you. I really feel your pain on that one.

 

Realize that the teachers who do that sort of thing are jerks who don't belong in their profession.

[hockeyboy]

You made mistakes when you were young but obviously regret them. I think that shows you're a good person who made mistakes. I think a lot of kids do things they shouldn't, I know I did.

 

I don't think you were, but even if you were the least talented kid in a school for the gifted, you'd still be more gifted then most people. That like saying the least talented player in the NFL is horrible, when in reality, he's better then 99.9 % of the population. It's all relative.

 

What are things you like to do? I think you need to focus on that. Do you enjoy writing? You've certainly captured a lot of peoples interest just on ENA alone.

[gsxr104]

wow, minus the stealing stuff, this sounds like me when I was younger. you are obviously a gifted and talented individual. you have an exceptional way of expressing yourself and an equal talent at typing it.

let's face it, to a certain degree we do have to care about what people think. then again, not. people used to always think i was mad when i wasn't. i certainly wasn't going to put a smile on my face just because i didn't want them to think i wasn't mad. that would have been a form of control. funny though, i had every reason to be mad. i've been through more hardships than you could shake a stick at. somehow, i've found opportunities in the middle of every one of them and i think you can too. you only get one shot in this life. there are a lot of people here that could use advice from your experiences. heck, i could probably use some of it myself.

[metrogirl]

Not a lot of people can or will admit that they feel bad for things they have done in the past. This shows that you have remorse and a kind spirit.

 

I wonder if the issues you had in school were because you weren't challenged enough. I think you knew that you had great potential and the school wasn't challening you enough until they gave you 5th grade work that was probably a bit too much. A comfortable balance, I think would have given you the confidence to keep moving forward.

 

I know so many people, myself included that struggled in school and when we are faced with these great challenges it makes it hard to want to continue, thus our grades suffer dramatically.

 

Thank you for sharing a little bit of your story. It helps to know what you are feeling and why.

 

And please don't think this makes your vunerable. No one is here to hurt you or use anything against you.

 

I'm really proud of you for making that first step and talking about it.

[Scorpion Fury]

I was a klepto too when I was younger. I feel bad, but the important thing is, we grew up and realized stealing is wrong and we stopped doing it. That's what matters. People make mistakes and learn from them. You should really let go and forgive yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. What is important is learning from them and not repeating them. You are not a horrible person. A horrible person wouldn't care who they hurt and continue doing whatever they want. You obviously have a good heart.

 

School sounds like it was hard for you. But guess what? It's OVER. Your teachers didn't sound like very good teachers. It sounds like they may have been trying to get you to be more active and involved and do the best you could, but they went about it the wrong way and it had the opposite effect. Sounds like you got even more closed off. You barely got through high school, but you DID. You MADE IT. It's OVER. Good job.

 

Are you in college? I bet you'd kick butt in college.

[ayekasong]

I wonder if the issues you had in school were because you weren't challenged enough. I think you knew that you had great potential and the school wasn't challening you enough until they gave you 5th grade work that was probably a bit too much. A comfortable balance, I think would have given you the confidence to keep moving forward.

 

The whole time I was reading your post, AllDarkness, I was thinking exactly what metrogirl said. I was a teacher for a while, and one of my biggest frustrations with the education system is that many children who need a challenge do not get the opportunity for a good balance of a challenge and the chance to develop confidence with less challenging material. I'm so very sorry that your teachers and schools made you feel the way they did.

 

I do know what it feels like to be the "smart kid" in school, developing confidence and feeling like you matter...and then being completely shot down and made to feel like you are nothing. It happened to me in middle school and again in high school, and in both cases, it seemed to be a case of someone having inferiority complexes. As a result, I didn't pursue a path in college that I would have excelled at, and I regret it to this day. It's horrible that teachers and other school personnel can destroy our confidence like that. And what is sad, is that there are so many people out there who would rather put someone down than take the extra time to help someone build confidence and feel like they matter.

 

I would like to know, also, are you pursuing college?

 

And I echo what others have said about the stealing. You recognized your mistakes and took steps to stop. A lot of people who steal don't care that it is wrong. But, you learned that it was wrong, and you stopped. This clearly shows that you have a good heart and that you are a good person.

[metrogirl]

I was thinking the same thing.

 

You have been through the trials and tribulations of school and feeling like you were out of place. What if you were to make it better for kids that are struggling now? Have you thought about mentoring or tutoring kids that might be going through something similar?

[AllDarkness]

I don't know...I just got the idea that teachers were suppose to be like that. The strongest survive I guess...

 

 

 

I write a little bit...but never enough to finish before my brain begins to tell me that it is a waste of my time. Maybe it sounds weird but I begin to remember all my defeats...and then I can't go on...

 

 

 

I don't think that I am gifted or talented. Gifted and talented people always has succes in life...being at that school often made me think that I was in the wrong place. I wasn't as good as they were, they made a mistake dragging me to that school.

 

I don't know what people could use my experiences to. I mean, it is not like I can say: "People are good!" or "things get better"

 

 

 

 

 

Maybe, maybe not. I only know they teachers saw me as the weakest link or something. Not to mention that there attitude towards me wasn't the most friendly...heck, I still don't understand what I had done to people. The teachers hated me! And for what reason? I don't know...

[AllDarkness]

Kick butt in college? How would college be any different than the rest of the system??! There are still teachers! There are still more students! Hell, there are probably even more people to hate me!

 

 

 

No, and why would I go to college?! I don't have anything to live for anyway...so why waste time with more people who only wants to hurt me? I mean, in High School the teachers come from universities. And those a-holes only hate me and suspected me of doing all sort of weirdo things. College is probably just the same as High School...just on a higher educationel level.

 

 

 

I don't feel comfortable around kids and even worse, why would I be a good teacher? Heck, I only know how "bad" teachers act.

[Scorpion Fury]

my answers in bold.

[Scorpion Fury]

Kick butt in college? How would college be any different than the rest of the system??! There are still teachers! There are still more students! Hell, there are probably even more people to hate me!

 

 

 

No, and why would I go to college?! I don't have anything to live for anyway...so why waste time with more people who only wants to hurt me? I mean, in High School the teachers come from universities. And those a-holes only hate me and suspected me of doing all sort of weirdo things. College is probably just the same as High School...just on a higher educationel level.

 

 

 

I don't feel comfortable around kids and even worse, why would I be a good teacher? Heck, I only know how "bad" teachers act.

 

College is actually a lot different than high school. In college, you're going to school with adults. Yes, there will still be some of the same idiots that haven't matured much, but there are also a lot of really cool, well...adults. And I don't think the teachers would call you stupid or lazy, because you know what? They probably wouldn't even care enough to. In college, you are completely responsible for your own education. No one calls your parents when you're failing or don't show up. No one sends you to detention. The teachers get paid whether you show up and do your work or not.

 

You can start over completely fresh in college. You will have a complete sea of new faces you have never seen before.

[Methus]

your right everyone does hate you but its not the hate you think it is its more like they just don't care because they are to busy dealing with there own problems i know this because i was the same way until i really did just give up on life and that turn me into something you never what to know so you know you should do is stop hatting life and just get over it because no matter what people are never really going to care because thats just life