I hate you all!

[Lostnthought]

you need to channel your anger. unchanneled anger can turn inward towards itself.

 

Hit the gym- take a kick boxing class

 

Let the evil spirits out

 

 

 

and stop your in- theres little kids on this earth that have cancer and would love to have longer to live. People have lost arms, family members- and worse .....and still have a better outlook.

 

you reep what you sow

[LonelyMoondancer]

I actually don't think the OP is going to come back. Has anyone talked to him via PMs lately?

Lostnthought, no offense but that's not the most sensitive thing to say. I definitely agree that there are probably people doing way worse than the OP, but for every miserable person there's always going to be someone feeling worse. That doesn't make the first person's feelings any less valid. Clearly the OP is hurting to the extent that he doesn't empathize as much as he might. He came to express his sorrow and in hopes of support, not for anyone to tell him to get over himself. If it were that easy a lot of us wouldn't even bother here.

[doityourself]

We use to PM, but his last post was after that.

 

AllDarkness-I miss talking to you, wish you would check in and let everyone know your ok.

[red_sky_girl]

i think u hate yourself not the world.....change your thougts and make peace with yourself

[Loners]

This actually sad...I mean, I have never seen so many stubborn people trying to reach out to one guy. I hope he is okay but do any of you believe he may have...you know, taken serious action?

[ayekasong]

This actually sad...I mean, I have never seen so many stubborn people trying to reach out to one guy. I hope he is okay but do any of you believe he may have...you know, taken serious action?

 

I really pray that that is not the case. I am hoping that he is either off finding a good way to take care of himself or that he has created a new username and is still posting on this site.

[BellaDonna]

Sadly we will never know what happens to the majority of posters. There have been several over the years that I wonder about. Let's not assume the worst though, because it is equally likely that this poster just got sick of all of us and just didn't want to be bothered with the site. People move on for different reasons.

 

We can only hope that we've helped them in some small way when they posted here.

[AllDarkness]

I am not dead...I don't know if it would be better...

 

There was once a clever person who said: "What we don't forget will become a permanent part of us". If that is true, then I wish I had never experienced anything(!) in my life...

 

I just wish I was somebody else. Someone with talent, someone who people like, someone that people would say: "Hey, he is nice fellow" or something....

 

But no...that is just not possible. Whether I was born this way or I was build that way it doesn't matter. I can't change it alone. There was a period where things looked brighter...but I realized how foolish that was. I hate myself. IT IS IMPOSSIBLE TO LOVE ME IN ANYWAY!!!

 

I look into my future and what do I see? Nothing! I don't have the ability to change and I don't know why I can't kill myself when there is nothing to live for...

 

Someone mentioned that I should write something more about myself...but I don't know why. My story is just boring, empty, and stupid...

[hockeyboy]

Someone mentioned that I should write something more about myself...but I don't know why. My story is just boring, empty, and stupid...

 

I don't think so...I'm interested to know more about you and I think a lot of other people are too.

[BellaDonna]

I'm interested to know more about you and I think a lot of other people are too.

 

Me too.

 

-And I am glad that you came back to this site, AllDarkness. All of us would like to get to know you better and offer our support, the best we can.

[Scorpion Fury]

me also....

[Ashley1640]

Hay there Dark,

 

I'm a fairly new user to the site. I came here in October to get an opinion about something important to me. I eventually found that this website.. and these people, these amazing and helpful people, are just so welcoming and warm. (Thankyou everyone)

 

If it's okay with you, I think we can help each other out and if you'd like, be friends. I'm.. kind of in need of a friend, actually, and I think you are too.

 

I'll start by being completely open with you, and hopefully I can get some feedback about your life. =) ...I've attempted suicide twice. The first time was because I was physically and emotionally abused by a good guy friend of mine when I was 16.. I was raped. Not only was I treated like his personal ragdoll, but I lost everything along with it. He turned my friends against me, embarrassed me and hurt me in public, ruined my reputation. Everyone in school knew(which was at least 4,000 kids, not including parents/teachers/etc..), and because he had money and was well liked by literally everyone, I fell a victim of rape obviously but people thought I just wanted attention. That I was THAT girl, since noone at the time knew me very well. Everything was wrong. I had nobody. Nobody cared to help me, everyone hated me, and I hated them for hating me. I cut my wrist after getting disgustingly drunk, and later found myself in the hospital.

Dark, I got help from someone unbiased to the situation. I talked to a counselor, and she made me feel wanted in this world. She made me feel that I had a bigger and better purpose in life, that I wouldn't be known as "the girl who cried rape." Instead, I would heal, and I could fix myself. And if that I could fix myself, the rumor would be dismissed and everyone would know it was true what he did to me.

Obviously I'm alive =) Time went on, the issue faded. I pulled myself up by my boot straps and said to hell with you people. I will talk about this rape that happened to me, and I will overcome it. I will be the stronger person, and I will NOT fall victim to his disgusting behavior. I will live. I will live, and my life will not be about what he did to me, my life will be about ME.

 

The second time was being my husband cheated on me. 6 months went by and I was a wreck. I took an entire bottle of Tylenol PM and an entire prescription bottle of Lunesta and drank an entire bottle of Vodka. I was sent to a mental hospital for a week. Somehow I didn't die after all the pills I took. I don't know how I lived. Anyone else would have probably died. Do you know why I did this to myself? Because I couldn't FORGIVE my husband. I was letting his mistake control MY life, and I was going to end my life because I couldn't forgive him. After counseling and, yes, Abilify and other anti-depressants, I began to forgive him and forgive myself. And what do you know? We were able to work things out, stay married, and have a child! Instead of being dependant on these anti-depressants, I told myself I could do it alone, that I could be a wife and the best person I possibly could.

 

 

Dark, a lot of us have been through what you are going through. Please do not dismiss your life, your purpose. You ARE important to this world. ENA doesn't hate you, we don't hate you. We honestly and very seriously want to help you as much as we possibly can. But sweetheart, you have to help yourself too! I learned so very much about LIFE when I tried to take it .. twice. It's way too short, too precious, and it isn't in your hands to take your life. Whether you believe in God, or another higher power, or fate, destiny.. whatever.. You shouldn't take your life. Live for yourself.. Live your life! If you think/know someone hates you? WHO CARES! Push it aside and chok it up to their stupidity! Be strong! I know you can do it. I know you have it in you to LIVE.

 

 

 

 

 

Ashley

[AllDarkness]

Yeah, I probably want to live but it doesn't make any sense why I want to.

I don't feel I want to meet any people face to face. People always reject me no matter what I do. Believing in myself hasn't gotten me anywhere...

 

 

 

No. Without talent there is little reason to do it.

 

 

 

Fine. I accept I can't change.

 

 

 

Well, being nice and ask for help doesn't work. I have tried and seen it several time. It is first when you shout people comes to you. No one cares about the "nice" guy...

 

 

 

Yeah, don't you think I am aware of how horrible and stupid I am?? I already know that I am not near the same league as 97 % of you people when it comes to having a horrible childhood or the like.

 

You know what? I already read countless of other people who had posted on this site. People who suffered from a bad childhood, horrible marriage, been bullied by people, raped, injuring them selves etc...AND how horrible I felt when I knew my feeling is silly and stupid compared to these people. These people has truly suffered. Compared to them, I had not.

 

So truth be told, I hate myself for being such a weak person! And I knew that the only way anyone would take me serious was to truly tell how I was feeling. Nobody would take me serious if they knew my reasons for feeling like I do.

 

 

 

 

If it just was that easy...

 

 

 

No, I couldn't...

 

 

 

You have suffered much more than I. I am not worthy of living when people are suffering much more than I. I mean, I should be the guy who suffered so that all you other people could live happily. I deserve it for being that stupid and silly...

[BellaDonna]

You have suffered much more than I. I am not worthy of living when people are suffering much more than I. I mean, I should be the guy who suffered so that all you other people could live happily. I deserve it for being that stupid and silly...

 

You are not stupid or silly, AllDarkness. We all have our challenges in life and one person's struggles are no better or worse than another's. Pain/suffering is a very subjective experience and so you shouldn't try to compare yourself to others. YOUR feelings are very important and if you are hurt over something, I'm sure there are valid reasons for it.

 

I hope you will keep talking with us and not feel silly for expressing what is going on inside you. Depression is a very serious issue for anyone, no matter what specific life events have led them to it.

[Ashley1640]

My story was so that you could see I hit an all-time low, but that I was able to live through it all and pull myself out of the depression.. and I'm happy where I am today. I have forgiven the wrong that people have done to me.

 

I just wanted you to knwo it's a hard battle, but you CAN do it. You ARE strong enough, and I believe in you - and so do others =)

[Ashley1640]

 

You have suffered much more than I. I am not worthy of living when people are suffering much more than I. I mean, I should be the guy who suffered so that all you other people could live happily. I deserve it for being that stupid and silly...

 

Why do you feel that you are responsible for other peoples' happiness? You are not responsible. Why do you feel that you are not worthy of living?

 

I'm not trying to start a religious debate but when you say, "I should be the guy who suffered so that all you other people could live happily," that sounds like something related to what Jesus said.

 

I would just like to really help you. I've been there, I know it's rediculously hard. It feels like you're a bobble head drowning and then getting a few air pockets.

[ayekasong]

You have suffered much more than I. I am not worthy of living when people are suffering much more than I. I mean, I should be the guy who suffered so that all you other people could live happily. I deserve it for being that stupid and silly...

 

There is a saying out there, supposedly from Plato- "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." This includes you - just like me, and many others on this site, you are fighting a hard battle as well. Please do not think that you should have to suffer so that others can be happy, because your suffering will not make anyone happy.

 

The feelings you have are valid. Many of us, including myself, have been depressed and believe we do not deserve to live. You are not stupid or silly, you are human, and going through an experience that many of us have, also.

 

I know what you mean when you say that you wish you were someone else. I know what it feels like to hate myself, so I can relate to many of your feelings. Your life story is valuable, and many people here would love to know more about you, myself included. I wonder if your experience parallels mine at all.

[randomgirl59]

AllDarkness, this may not be the best advice, some might say it ignores the problem, but doing this has helped me somewhat.

 

Ever hear the saying, "when the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world" yea, I know its from an animated movie, but it does have a bit of a point. I'm not saying run away from your problems, but if you truly feel people are treating you like crap, then just say screw it! walk away and spend time with yourself instead. Dont waste your time on jerks who treat you badly. You are worth more than that, even if you dont believe it right now.

 

a few years ago I had a really bad falling out with a group of friends. Horrible things were said and done to me and it made me really anxious and withdrawn. After things started blowing over I told myself that I'm not going to let other people influence me and took that time to hang out by myself and develop some new interests...it really helped me discover more about myself, and gave me the chance to analyze my behavior and learn not to rely so much on other people or their opinions.

 

This might not work for everyone, it might not work for you, but its worth a shot. You have low self esteem (as do I) use this time to work on yourself and forget about what other people think or how you think they percieve you. I really dont believe everyone hates you. I think you project how you feel onto other people. I'm not accusing you, I do this too sometimes! Paranoia is common with people who are depressed. Its very easy to misinterpert someone's actions as dislike. Truth is, most people are selfish. Not cuz they want to, but because their day to day lives are filled either with problems, work, family, etc, that they may not even realize they are brushing you off in a potentially rude way.

 

I can relate with feeling guilty about feeling miserable when other people have it worse with sickness, abuse, or people starving accross the world. I try to look at it in perspective, yes, I can feel this way and it is an issue, but there are people who have it much worse. Use that as an incentive to work harder to finding a solution to your problem. Dont ever feel like you shouldn't feel this way though. I dont think some people realize how powerful the mind is and how realistically negative it makes life seem for someone suffering with issues like depression and anxiety.

 

One quick note though, just want to make it clear that I'm not saying swear off people all together, companionship is nice and so is support. But sometimes being amongt yourself for a bit can help you clear your mind. Or coming to ENA can help too because people here want to help. Does that make sense?

[AllDarkness]

My story was so that you could see I hit an all-time low, but that I was able to live through it all and pull myself out of the depression.. and I'm happy where I am today. I have forgiven the wrong that people have done to me.

 

I just wanted you to knwo it's a hard battle, but you CAN do it. You ARE strong enough, and I believe in you - and so do others =)

 

I can't forgive the wrong things people have done to me because I feel it is my own fault. I also read that we should blame ourselves for our mistakes not other people.

 

Why do you feel that you are responsible for other peoples' happiness? You are not responsible. Why do you feel that you are not worthy of living?

 

I'm not trying to start a religious debate but when you say, "I should be the guy who suffered so that all you other people could live happily," that sounds like something related to what Jesus said.

 

I would just like to really help you. I've been there, I know it's rediculously hard. It feels like you're a bobble head drowning and then getting a few air pockets.

 

I don't know why I feel that way...it is just because that everyone expects you to do certain things but I just don't feel like doing these things for several reasons...and because of that I don't feel I deserve living. I know that I shouldn't live after what other people dictates me to do but I don't what else there is. What is there to do if you don't do what other people want you to do?

 

I know Jesus said something like that but it was never ment in the same way. I just feel that other people who suffers from having a bad childhood or living in a country with civil war should have what I have. I don't deserve it because I am not happy with what I have. I don't know why but I am a failure...

 

 

There is a saying out there, supposedly from Plato- "be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." This includes you - just like me, and many others on this site, you are fighting a hard battle as well. Please do not think that you should have to suffer so that others can be happy, because your suffering will not make anyone happy.

 

The feelings you have are valid. Many of us, including myself, have been depressed and believe we do not deserve to live. You are not stupid or silly, you are human, and going through an experience that many of us have, also.

 

I know what you mean when you say that you wish you were someone else. I know what it feels like to hate myself, so I can relate to many of your feelings. Your life story is valuable, and many people here would love to know more about you, myself included. I wonder if your experience parallels mine at all.

 

My suffering will not make anyone happy? Maybe not but maybe they could do more with their life if they had the same opportunities that I had...

When people talks about getting depressed they had reasons. I just don't know, with all the things and opportunities I have, why I am feeling this way. I live in country with no civil war, people can go to hospital for free, go to school for free, and I still feel unhappy...I am a disgrace to my surroundings.

 

 

AllDarkness, this may not be the best advice, some might say it ignores the problem, but doing this has helped me somewhat.

 

Ever hear the saying, "when the world turns its back on you, you turn your back on the world" yea, I know its from an animated movie, but it does have a bit of a point. I'm not saying run away from your problems, but if you truly feel people are treating you like crap, then just say screw it! walk away and spend time with yourself instead. Dont waste your time on jerks who treat you badly. You are worth more than that, even if you dont believe it right now.

 

a few years ago I had a really bad falling out with a group of friends. Horrible things were said and done to me and it made me really anxious and withdrawn. After things started blowing over I told myself that I'm not going to let other people influence me and took that time to hang out by myself and develop some new interests...it really helped me discover more about myself, and gave me the chance to analyze my behavior and learn not to rely so much on other people or their opinions.

 

This might not work for everyone, it might not work for you, but its worth a shot. You have low self esteem (as do I) use this time to work on yourself and forget about what other people think or how you think they percieve you. I really dont believe everyone hates you. I think you project how you feel onto other people. I'm not accusing you, I do this too sometimes! Paranoia is common with people who are depressed. Its very easy to misinterpert someone's actions as dislike. Truth is, most people are selfish. Not cuz they want to, but because their day to day lives are filled either with problems, work, family, etc, that they may not even realize they are brushing you off in a potentially rude way.

 

I can relate with feeling guilty about feeling miserable when other people have it worse with sickness, abuse, or people starving accross the world. I try to look at it in perspective, yes, I can feel this way and it is an issue, but there are people who have it much worse. Use that as an incentive to work harder to finding a solution to your problem. Dont ever feel like you shouldn't feel this way though. I dont think some people realize how powerful the mind is and how realistically negative it makes life seem for someone suffering with issues like depression and anxiety.

 

One quick note though, just want to make it clear that I'm not saying swear off people all together, companionship is nice and so is support. But sometimes being amongt yourself for a bit can help you clear your mind. Or coming to ENA can help too because people here want to help. Does that make sense?

 

It is difficult and believe that I don't have the skills to change. Socialization is about fitting in and since humans are social creatures being non-social is the same as being an abomination, something that shouldn't have been born.

I just can't fit in anywhere and trying to look inside myself only makes me more non-social...and people only think that you are even more weird.

 

I wish I was normal...

[BellaDonna]

When people talks about getting depressed they had reasons. I just don't know, with all the things and opportunities I have, why I am feeling this way. I live in country with no civil war, people can go to hospital for free, go to school for free, and I still feel unhappy...I am a disgrace to my surroundings.

 

 

 

Hi AllDarkness. Depression is a very complex illness. One's environment or a traumatic experience can certainly be a factor that influences or causes a depressive episode in a person, but there is more to it. Depression has a biological base. It involves brain chemistry, & neurotransmitters and many other factors. It's not something people can choose or easily control. It is a medical illness just as much as it is a psychological condition. It can also run in families and have a genetic basis. Some people are much more prone to it than others.

 

With depression also comes feelings of shame, especially if a person feels that they should have a better "reason" for it.

 

Consider it a medical illness, just like heart disease, or diabetes. They require treatment. Depression is one of the few illnesses that creates this much shame in a person.

[uglyduckling]

Hey AllDarkness, I hope these words help you in some way, so here goes....

 

I can't forgive the wrong things people have done to me because I feel it is my own fault. I also read that we should blame ourselves for our mistakes not other people.

 

Well I think there are a couple of angles you are coming from here. First thing, if I do something so-called 'wrong' to you or treat you badly that is NOT a reflection of you. It is a reflection of me!! So do not blame yourself for others ill treatment of you, it is NOT your fault, it is there issue not yours. However, yeah I know you have to deal with it, but you can learn to deal with it by taking a step back and understanding that is NOT ABOUT YOU!

 

Secondly, we ALL make mistakes, well so-called mistakes throughout life, it's called learning. We can’t possibly know how to do things correctly unless we do them wrong several times, that’s how we hone our skills in every area of our life. So you can’t blame yourself for what you may have done or not done in certain situations in life. It's like screaming at a new born baby because it can’t walk yet…..in other words, you can’t know, what you don’t know. So is it a 'mistake' you made? No, because you only knew how to do it differently in hindsight. And isn’t hindsight a great thing, if you use it for learning NOT for a way to start beating yourself up again! So stop being so hard on yourself. Yeah I know easier said than done.

 

Start being aware that blaming yourself or others will not help you out of this situation, what do you achieve? Except making yourself feel worse. But understand that at any given time, you only know what you know, so what can you realistically beat yourself up for? Nothing. You only thought that it was a mistake AFTER you learnt not to do it that way….does that make sense?

 

 

I don't know why I feel that way...it is just because that everyone expects you to do certain things but I just don't feel like doing these things for several reasons...and because of that I don't feel I deserve living. I know that I shouldn't live after what other people dictates me to do but I don't what else there is. What is there to do if you don't do what other people want you to do?

 

 

If you try and fulfil everyones expectations of you, what do you achieve? You have the awareness to know that you do not want to do what others expect of you, which is a huge realisation! So you should pat yourself on the back for that!!! Many don’t even recognise that they are doing that. Do you think you have lots of anger, because you are angry with yourself? I mean do you think that you want to be yourself but there is some part of you that feels you would have no value or acceptance unless you live by what others want????

 

 

It is difficult and believe that I don't have the skills to change. Socialization is about fitting in and since humans are social creatures being non-social is the same as being an abomination, something that shouldn't have been born.

I just can't fit in anywhere and trying to look inside myself only makes me more non-social...and people only think that you are even more weird.

 

I wish I was normal...

 

 

You know we have all been brought up to believe that we must 'tow the line' to be accepted. For example do you remember a time that you were told that you won’t get something unless you do the so-called right thing?

 

You may not realise but unconsciously that’s why you don’t want to refuse others expectations of you…..do you reckon that maybe if you don’t fulfil their expectations that you are somehow seen as being wrong or you are a failure or you won’t be accepted or appreciated? You need to really get honest with yourself here. I know it's hard!!!

 

How I think and see the world doesn’t fit in to how the majority sees things either, does that make me abnormal? No, it makes me different, so I want to ask you what is normal? What would make you feel so-called normal?

 

Do you think you would be truly happy if you conform to others expectations of you? Or would that just create a deep anger within you that would make you hate the world? Do you think that conforming would make you normal? Well, I guess it would make you join the crowd that isn’t even aware like you are that they are just running around wasting their lives fulfilling demands from others and not fulfilling what they truly desire.

 

What do YOU want in your life? Do you want to accept yourself or 'fit in' with others? They are two completely different things.

 

Did any of the people that have helped change this world fit in? Did they think like everyone else? Or did they think outside the box?

 

Yes you are different, but so is every single one of us!!! There is not one of us that is exactly alike, not one!

 

Think about this for a moment….there is absolutely nothing in this universe that is useless, absolutely nothing….INCLUDING YOU!

 

Just because right now you don’t know what you are meant to be doing or not doing, you are not useless! You must be needed! And yes you may not have asked to be born like you have said in an earlier post, but you were! That means you were needed here. You know, just writing on this forum like you have done, is helping others who are not as courageous as you are to open up and write their true feelings….so have you unknowingly helped others? Of course you have! Sometimes we don’t even know what great things come from our simplest actions. You have worth and value in this world and it's by being you! You are good enough just as you are, no need to fulfill any expectations first!! I know it may be hard for you to grasp right now....but think about it....can anyone else take your place in this world? Absolutely not!!!!

[AllDarkness]

I can't accept myself! Why should I? There is nothing positive to accept in me!

 

Why is that we tell people to stay true to who they are when we have social norms on the other side??! Social norms that dictates who we should be and that we would only find happiness that way??

 

I just can't socialize with any group or anyone! I CAN'T FIT IN ANYWHERE!!! Why live when you can't fit in? Humans are not supposed to be alone, if they do, they turn weird and die early!

 

I hate life! I hate living everyday!

 

So many people say they are alone and so many of them are wrong. The raped girl is not the only raped girl in the world! The drug addicted guy is not the only drug addicted guy on earth! The woman who is abused by her husband is not the only woman who is abused by her husband!

 

But I am the only one on this freaking planet who can't fit in anywhere. I was never abused as a kid, I never took drugs, I was never born in a poor place in Africa suffering from hunger, I was never that and I was never that!

 

But even so, everyone I met began to hate me and whisper behind my back. Uuh, I am so strange, I am a weirdo, maybe I am a psycho, heck the teachers even thought sometimes that maybe my parents abused me. For what reason? BECAUSE I DIDN'T FIT IN WITH THE SAME PEOPLE AT MY AGE!!!

 

Hell, if even grown-up adults consider me strange and a weirdo then why would I ever believe that I belong in this world???

 

I don't see the point...

[metrogirl]

How can we help you if you don't get to the core of the issues?

 

I know you are hurting, I can feel it in the words you type but it's hard to offer words of advice or wisdom when you don't open up about it.

 

How do you not fit in? Let's start there.

[AllDarkness]

There you see. I can't even open up! Why would anyone of you even bother? I mean, there are other people who needs your help and who you can easily change into doing something with their life!

 

But that is okay...perhaps I can live with hating the world. Nothing can change it anyway. The world hates me and I hate the world. What is the problem? We are equal! I fit in!

[Scorpion Fury]

There you see. I can't even open up! Why would anyone of you even bother? I mean, there are other people who needs your help and who you can easily change into doing something with their life!

 

But that is okay...perhaps I can live with hating the world. Nothing can change it anyway. The world hates me and I hate the world. What is the problem? We are equal! I fit in!

 

I sort of hate the world too. I guess hate is a pretty strong word. It more just annoys me. I choose to laugh though instead of constantly letting it get me down.