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It will always be your job, not just to make contact, but to even have a conversation, to do anything with each other, or to even get me to close down the walls I built around my heart that appear only in response to you. You were the dumper. You defined the end of everything. You chose the situation, and if you wanted any remotely different situation, even having things not be on "bad terms", then you would have to choose and work towards that.


I don't know if I will keep you blocked on my phone still.. but even so, that is the only place you are blocked. I only blocked you because you were choosing to hurt me with these selfish, nuisance texts of no value..


I still have such a strong desire to bring you joy, but you made it blatantly clear that you don't want me to do that. If you felt or wanted anything different, you would communicate that clearly.


It's so frustrating, though. In the end, I was right about everything on my end. My mental health and the causes of it, my home situation and where it was headed. And in the end, all the work I was putting towards getting through this worked. In the same way, all the work I was putting in towards our late relationship and towards your well-being was going to come to fruition as well. I wish you had just put the amount of trust and faith in me as I put in you, but I guess you never really deserved it.

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I'm trying to forgive you. Forgive you for the way you made me feel. For making me feel small, insignificant, unimportant, fat, ugly and unwanted. I'm trying to forgive you. I'm struggling. I don't hate you, I love you and that is what hurts the most. And I still miss you.

But I have to move on. I have to stop missing you. I have to stop wanting you back cause you're not my wife ! And you never have been and never will be .... but I loved you and I miss you.

I can't hate you cause that doesn't work for either of us. I have to forgive you. I have to let you go and I have to be kind if I ever hear from you. Being cruel to you will not make me feel better about myself. I might want to make you feel bad in my darker moments, but what does that say about me ? Ok it means I'm human, but being cruel will never sit well with me.

I need to forgive you ... I need to release you .... I need to be free.

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I cannot do this anymore. I am sorry that the time is inconvenient and that I make things harder on you, but... I Love you. We were a family once, we loved each other so much. Somewhere along the way we grew apart and shattered to pieces. And what I am doing now? I am walking down our path and I am collecting all these sharp pieces with my bare hands in hopes to glue everything back together. Why can't you see that nor feel anything? My hands are bleeding and my feet are tired. Why can't we be a family again? I wish that you could see and feel what I do. I know there is something inside of you that believes in our family. I know that we can be a family again. Why can't you see it ??!!

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I cannot do this anymore. I am sorry that the time is inconvenient and that I make things harder on you, but... I Love you. We were a family once, we loved each other so much. Somewhere along the way we grew apart and shattered to pieces. And what I am doing now? I am walking down our path and I am collecting all these sharp pieces with my bare hands in hopes to glue everything back together. Why can't you see that nor feel anything? My hands are bleeding and my feet are tired. Why can't we be a family again? I wish that you could see and feel what I do. I know there is something inside of you that believes in our family. I know that we can be a family again. Why can't you see it ??!!


Oh God damn it. I was not strong enough. I sent this to her. Well, fu** me..

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  • 2 weeks later...

remember that time when I told you that sometimes I treat myself at the end of the meal with a little dark chocolate square?

and you offered me one after dinner with a big smile and a "love you!".


I do remember.

It's been 5 months since you left me because I wasn't enough of a man for you.


I'm a better man now, also thanks to you.


Wish you the best Naomi

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I hope I can get over you one day. I hope there is someone else out there that I’ll be as enamored with but also better for me. I know you probably don’t even think of me anymore. You’re living your life and have already been through another guy. It was easy for you. I should’ve seen that coming a mile away. I guess I knew it.

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I'll always remember the good times that we shared. Someday, I hope we both can forgive for how this all unfolded. I still have a hard time holding you responsible for some of the choices you made, and I hope you know that I never meant to turn so volatile towards you in the end. We both made mistakes, and I'm guilty of hurting you too. I hope you are happy and can look back at all of this with the good memories.

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Yo, I just wanted to say I miss you.


I thought when I came around things would be different. From our last conversation you seemed pretty open to friendship. You told me to tell you when I settled in. You sent me funny texts etc.


And maybe I never followed through...on letting you know I arrived and I was settled, but I figured you knew I was around. I'm tired of reaching out cause I'm scared you'll hurt me again. I hope you miss me as much as I miss you dude. I have a good feeling about things. I'm not as worried about things, but I definitely would love to see you again. I just miss you. And I need you.

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I don't think I miss you, exactly, I miss who I thought you were or would be in my life. I miss the idea of who I thought you were before the bad came in.

You seemed perfect, the one person I had waited for all my life.

You ended up being a wolf in sheeps clothing and you fooled me as good as one can be fooled.


I was angry at you, I couldn't stand how you pretended with me. Made me believe things that weren't true. Hid who you really were. But mostly, I was angry that you had me believing in you when it wasn't real, when the person I had fallen in love with didn't even exist. You had pretended to be someone you were not.

I wanted you to be that person. I cried over it. I blamed your parents, your friends, life being harsh on you, etc,etc ,etc.

But truth be told, it was no one's fault but your own.

You could have been a good man, you could have made better choices, you could have been careful in what you did and how you lived your life. You chose not to.

The onus is on you and only you.


You met me and wanted to be what I had hoped for and then the lies and pretending came in.

On the one hand I guess I should feel somewhat appreciative that you felt I was worth it enough to want to be a better man, but on the other, you told me so many lies.

I feel cheated in every way possible.


I still think of you now and then but again, it's not the genuine YOU that I miss. I miss the pretend version of what I wanted you to be and what you pretended to be.

There were times that were happy and I could see clearly how you truly could have been all that I needed and wanted had you not made such bad choices. Maybe even if you had not had such bad issues.

I feel sorry for you but then I remember that we all have choices set in front of us, you just chose to go down the wrong path every time.

You didn't even try to get help for the problems you knew were serious and damaging.


I could go on, but it's useless. I wished you really had been the fantasy version, I miss him. I wished he was real and I mourn him.

I never really said goodbye or thought about it much at all. It's been a long time but I still have thoughts that come up over it all.

I am closing the chapter now. I wish you well, where ever you are and whatever happens in your life.

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I'm not even sure I actually 'miss' you anymore. It's weird, I think about you all the time but given the chance would I even want to welcome you into my life again? I don't think I do... well I don't know, do I...?


No, this is more of an obsession or and addiction. I'm so used to pining after you that it's just become habit at this stage much like brushing my teeth twice a day. You're still such a big part of me even though we haven't spoken for months. Weird. I should probably try to shake this but I think I'm on the right track and will get there in time. I can definitely feel a shift in my feelings in the last week or so.


I can see all of your bad qualities with clear eyes for the first time and I don't miss them. I feel sad saying it as we did have great times together - some of my best times in recent memory have been with you in-fact, but I know there will be more good times for me in the future.


I have no idea how you're doing at the moment and I truly don't think I care at this stage - it makes no difference to me either way.


I hope my next relationship is no where near as awful as ours was, but after the lessons I learned from you, I don't think I'll make those mistakes and allow someone to treat me that way ever again.


Thanks for that I guess...

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Last week you contacted me from an unblocked email asking to meet for coffee...yeah right. You want to suck me back in to the toxicity. I deleted it and blocked that email too.


Three years...heck, MORE than three years and you're still at it. I have been NC this entire time but you just don't get it. You can't control yourself and never could. You never could accept someone not liking you, but you messed with the wrong person this time. You gave me zero reason to believe anything changed. You were toxic and you know it. Hell, your family knew it.


I still dream of your kids and sometimes you - that they're in college and asking me for advice. Those poor kids...those dreams used to ruin me for days but I woke up after you emailed me last week knowing I won. Next step is getting to the point where I don't care that I won. Indifference.


Last night I dreamt of an incredible girl I've never met. I did the same two weeks ago. She wasn't you! Maybe she doesn't exist, but you are in my dreams less and less and it's amazing. I never thought I'd get to this point.


I am in control and I know you hate it. I'm not at the point where I wish you the best because I still don't feel you deserve it after all you've put me and others through, but I AM at the point where I know I'm healing. You're in my thoughts always, but those are simply my thoughts. My actions are what define me and you are in no way in control of my actions. I no longer avoid routes that could intersect with yours on the way to work, for example. I don't even look for your car anymore.


I'm still preparing myself for you to show up again but I feel very liberated knowing that you can no longer control me.

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I feel like I'm now at a stage similar to where I was before we met, and that's a good thing.

I really feel like myself again and have set my sights back on travel and work aspirations that went somewhat out the window when I focused my attention on you. I've re-opened my eyes to the millions of other people out there and enjoyed keeping myself busy, and yet I do still miss you a little.


We're complete strangers at this point and if we did meet it would be more awkward small talk than anything else purely because we don't really know each other anymore. The whole thing makes me feel weird.


I hate the idea that you could have someone else in your life right now, and even though I know it doesn't make a shred of difference to my life in any way, thoughts of you doing the things we used to with someone else still puts a knot in my stomach. I wish I knew how to get you our of my head for good. I feel like I'm being haunted by thoughts of you constantly, but I daresay they're slowly making their way to the back of my mind rather than the front. That's something I guess.

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I’m tired of pretending that I hate you, that you were not good for me, that I deserve better. I’m tired of thinking that I meant so little to you that you moved on so quickly and never spoke to me again. I’m tired of looking forward to being over you. I’m tired of believing that I’ll find someone that’s magically better.


I accept that I still love you and probably always will. I accept that your cold departure is fueling my obsession. It’s ok that nobody will compare to you for a very long time. It sucks more than you’ll ever know but the truth is the truth and I can’t hide from it anymore. I have to let it be what it is. I can’t control everything. I’ll have to learn to live with this. Maybe this will lead to some sort of healing, maybe not. I just have to adapt to life this way.


I wish you’d get back in touch with me one day. I know that I was good to you and made logical choices about us. I also know I ed up at times. I was so insecure with you. I’m sorry. I wish we could’ve worked. I hope you can have good memories of me and know that I’m good, despite some ugly things I said in moments of despair. Please don’t let that overshadow who I was to you. We all make mistakes.

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I was not plannjng to post anything here but after reading the previous messages, I feel like “communicating”.


Anyway, it’s been almost 3 mo. since you broke up 2mo. since the last time we spoke. I only initiated a conversation 3x. You never did. The first time, you said hurtful things. Told me our relationship was not toxic at all but what I could offer you was not enough. The second time was when I told you I understood the situation and that we had to move on. I told you that we can still be friends. I forgave you that time and you said thank you and that maybe, when we see each other in the streets, we can say hi to each other. The last time I spoke with you, I admitted I was having a hard time moving on and that I had to cut you off completely. Removed you from my life (social media etc) and I am glad I did.


This time alone made me realize my worth to you. How easily I was replaced. How you never admitted any of your mistakes in the relationship. Never apologized for any hurt you caused me. I took it all in, believing that it was all my fault. But I would not have it any other way. This whole experience made me stronger and wiser. I will continue to look at the past and its debris of broken glass. I will not try to pick it up and fix it. I just want to look back and get all of the lessons that I could take from that experience.


You are slowly fading away from my thought. I do think of you every single day but the details are startig to get blurry. You can’t blame me though.. you made it easier for me to move on. Your true colors, during the breakup, gave me enough reason to fight for my self respect and forget about you. It was surely painful at first but I am getting used to it. I am actually getting tired of thinking of you. Feels like a chore. Takes up too much of my time and energy. I guess I will just have to find a way to use those thought as a push to keep my life moving.


It does not matter anymore what hapens to you. If you’re with him or not. If you’re regretting what happened or not. If you still want me or not. Honestly, most of me do not care anymore. But I still wish you happiness etc. No different from the way I would wish most of the people in this world even strangers happiness. (World peace mumbo jumbo haha)


Ahh.. strangers.. yes.. that’s what we are now. And no. When we see each other in the streets, I wont have any intention of saying hi or avoiding you. I will simply be indifferent (i hope :p). We are strangers after all.


Thanks and godspeed in this journey called LIFE, buddy.

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good job....you did the breakup. I suppose it's best. But it's sure not what we signed up for. That day in the church.

but we never communicated. I wish I didn't have the "selective memory" I have - thinking it was a good relationship most

of the time. But I am also crying over spilled milk. In the past. My point is that whether or not it was a good thing, it's

done. I remember with my high school girlfriend - the pain of that breakup is just like this. The sense of life force being

ripped out of me. Because I gave so much into the relationship. I don't mean to pat myself on the back, I am saying I

transfer TOO MUCH into the relationship. Not really your fault. The stuff that is fighting hard against dying is the dreams.

The concept. That is, the dreams I had in my heart about us. Then, insisting to myself that I find out how I ed up.

Because if it's over, and I don't want it to be, then it must be MY fault. The children. You are a good Mom. And I AM SO

HARD ON MYSELF. It's like I was doing brain surgery or something and I cut the wrong thing. Which WOULD be my fault

since the surgeon was me. But a relationship involves two.....................more later

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Have made some amazing progress these last couple of weeks. I had a slight hope I would get a nice holiday text at least. I don't know your number anymore, which has helped me not contact you. It would set me back. I've let go so much, and I know this is not healthy for me any longer.


I guess this is more of a message to myself.

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These last few days have been brutal. I miss you more than ever. I’m flooded with memories of you. I would do anything to have you back...except actually try to get you back. I couldn’t take the rejection. You’re the most special and unique girl I’ve ever been with. Our little family is all I could ask for right now. I don’t think I will ever be the same or love anyone like I loved you. I don’t think I’ll ever get that chance again in this lifetime. It just doesn’t come around twice. Our 2 years affected me 1000 times more than my marriage. We still think and talk about y’all all of the time. Please come back to me.

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Why do you keep trying? I haven't responded in 3 years but you keep trying. I keep all that drama in my head and it hurts to relive it all but I know it'll hurt even more if I respond.


Please leave me alone. You just don't want me to move on. I know that. You want to keep me in your sick little corner of your world. I don't trust your kind words at all. Leave me alone.

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I wanted to check up on you. You've been in my thoughts a lot, and I hope you're doing well.


But...in truth, I really miss you. I don't really remember what you look like, but I know you're still beautiful. I don't really know what you've been up to, but I know you're still so smart and so creative. I don't really know who you are anymore, but I know you're still perfect just as you are.


Just stay safe. I truly hope you're happy.

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It's been a long time since we broke up and several months since I've cut you off completely. Checking my emails just then I saw you just emailed saying that you still loved me.


That some part of you still wished we'd eventually get back together and that you were going to be leaving the country in the next few months for good.


How I wish I had blocked your email address on my spam email and I don't know why, but...I just cried.


I really did love you with all my heart. It was extremely hard to let you go. You were the greatest love of my life thus far, and made such an immense impact on me.


I really do genuinely hope that you'll be happy in the future too, wherever you are.

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