Post here instead of contacting your ex!

[wcl]

i dont know, i really do not know.

you have got me in a mess again! its easy then its hard, im up then i am down, i cant sleep, i am dreaming of you and the dreams are horrible, you are horrible to me in them! why am i thinking this of you.

honestly...i cant ever see my self being over you properly, i havnt been like this with anyone, and i hate it.

i want you happy, but i am gona be unhappy for a good while yet, and for those selfish reasons, i want you, now.

i want you, why should some lesser person than me have you!.

be happy

[irishgerry]

Are you even thinking about me or are delighted its over?

[Silverbirch]

~ singing~ i'm gonna get along without choo no-ow

[Melting]

You gave me my closure, but im still hurting....

[myheadvsheart]

Why do you "guess" that I don't want to talk to you? Last month you did not want to talk to me. I'm sorry your career has been dead in the water for months. Yet you still find time to do 1001 activities. I'm sorry you think I need you, to care about you. No I chose to share with you. I enjoyed kissing you, I enjoyed touching you and I'm struggling somewhat to find my footing again, but I will. I am respected at work, opportunities are opening up everywhere for me and it's not that I am lucky - I've worked very diligently, tenaciously to succeed. I hate to use the word "survivor" but I take care of my bottom line. I wish you did not resent me for it. I miss you too, more than I can say. You will not reciprocate that with any action, missing me is not the same thing as wanting to be with me. It's not for you to appease me or be a friend to relieve yourself of guilt. I don't need that - it completely undermines anything that we had. I hate you, I really do, but I'm getting over you every day and I know that I will move on and I will not care if you marry someone else, you'll just be a guy that broke my heart, a youthful folly. You'll seek me out again, they always do and by then, my decision to end things is always reinforced when I have distance. I'm getting there.

[lykkeli]

Day 5

 

Now I know that I wasn't worth it.

 

Now I'm starting to cry.

 

Pretty soon I'll start to resent you.

 

And inevitably... you'll be nothing but a character of my past.

[jonesyjakk]

after tonight......................f.............................youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

 

 

jonesy

[Inquirer89]

It's been 31 days still love you and none of that has dissipated, I'm not sure I ever want to not love you. But I hate you too, I don't know how it's possible to love 'and' hate somebody at the same time. I find out that you are planning on moving away, and it makes me sad to hear that because part of me wants you to come back, wants you to say "I missed you..I"m so sorrry I hurt you, I still care about you! I miss the way you feel in my arms cradled against my chest..the way you kiss me and hug me". I'm getting stronger but I still look back and want to hurt again like I did after you BU with me a million times over just to experience what I had with you, to feel what I had with you. I know I miss you, your touch, your kiss the way you would hug me and hold me, miss waking up next to you and able to see your face, feeling safe, secure, and worry free. I became comfortable and I shouldn't have, but I just let it all go, I let all my walls down, I let you in completely, 100%. I blindly trusted you because of what you shown me. I fell for you hard, I fell for you faster than anybody I've ever been involved with. We clicked on so many levels, we are compatible on every level, everything about us was compatible and now I've lost somebody who I could of made happy.

 

 

But you won't come back, if you wanted to you would have, if you wanted to be with me you would have never BU with. Sure we can be friends but it's not the same, we won't have any more special moments, you still look at me the same way. I know you still care for me but I don't know what's holding you back, I know you probably miss me but won't say it. You never really said too many sweet things, but when you did it was so much more special because I knew you meant them...It's hard losing something so beautiful, but then again it probably isn't as beautiful as I'm making it out to be because nothing is perfect, there is no such thing as something so beautiful as what I think I had with you..but god I miss it, miss it so much and I want to stop missing it. I am healing and I feel good about that, so somebody can come along and decide to keep me for good or much, much longer than you wanted to. But go ahead, go ahead and become "ready for something serious" when it happens, in whatever timeframe it happens in, and know that I am unique and you will probably come running back when it is too late like the last 5 did, but by then I will be very over you and not willing to risk more heartache again, or you may be the first person I ever give a second chance to. I don't want to give you a second chance because all it might be is regret, you may do the same thing again and I will be left a mess...

 

I've never had so much to say to somebody without saying it to them, ever, in my life.. That in and of itself is the realization of what I truly feel about you and know I can never have it, withing arms reach, a phone call away even, but knowing, even if I may hope it, that you won't ever call, won't ever say those words, never tell me you miss me or anything. I am crying as I am writing this, and I don't want to feel, but I believe it's better to feel pain, this heartache, to go through this healing than to never ever felt what I had with you, I would give anything to feel like this again with somebody instead of everything I felt in the past with others, just doesn't amount to what I've felt with you and I don't know how long it will be until I feel for somebody like this again or if I will feel something better, and more with somebody..I just don't know...So I spill my heart into this thread because there is no point in telling you all this J____..because you would never respond, I would get nothing but silence for whatever reasons. I post here because it feels better to get it all out instead of keeping it all in, to have this emotional release, without judgement, without ridicule, without biased opinions, without laughter, without being told how much of an idiot I am for feeling this way, for offering to remain friends and keep the friendship alive when I know it will just be poison, but I know I had nothing else to lose. Everybody else I am BU with whether I am the dumper or the dumpee I always ignored them after the fact, never spoke to them again and cut them out of my life because it was safer that way..I could heal the only way I knew how..withdrawing from everything until I was ready to come out and talk about it, never offering the friendship to remain after because it is unfamiliar..but against sound advice from sane people I will trudge into the post BU friendship relationship realm, forging the river of pain and suffering, going through the wilderness of confusion and wondering, just to keep that person in my life whether they are just a friend or more. Some may find this desperate, and needy but I am neither the type, I'm just in love..in love with a man who has unrequited feelings for me.

 

But I do thank you J___, for allowing me to know such passion, and feeling and emotion with what we had, if it wasn't for you I would maybe of never felt anything like that. I may of never connected with anybody else like I connected with you. If it wasn't for you I wouldn't of never known I could go to such great lengths for somebody, never known any of the things I've realized, learned and experienced with you. I will always love you for that, and hate that it won't be my life I will be sharing with you in the future. Maybe..just maybe after I've grown stronger and stronger, and fall out of love with you that I will realize all the things about you that wouldn't of made our relationship work and that makes no sense to me because I knew everything negatived about you yet I continued to be involved with you because I cared and I would look past any of your faults forever.. And forever I will remain without you..maybe for the best..I don't know, but I know that whatever happens I'll know it happened for a good reason.

[wcl]

today is a terrible day

i am so angry at you, i thought things were going well, and days like today happen where it hits me like a tonne of bricks, stuck at home nothing to do dark dank weather!

why havnt you had to endure any of this, its all so easy for you! why dont you feel some pain, feel sad for once, how can you do it? be so happy every day since! and spout lies to me about how you feel and felt about me and us, all rubbish, thats what i am feeling now anyway, you were just trying to be kind by feeding my lies

[Confused123123]

I get that you don't love me anymore; you don't want me. I know I wasn't the best girlfriend in the world. But I just want you to know that if you had confronted me about your frustrations, I would have done anything and everything to change for the better

You don't deserve that now, I know that. But the saddest part is....I'd still do it anyway, because I love you

[myheadvsheart]

Two weeks since I stated that you didn't have to keep in touch with me to wish me well to move on. I will not stay in touch to appease anyone's guilt, especially when you told me last month that you "did not feel like talking." I deleted you from my messenger and I've not heard anything from you since. I'm sad, you made it clear you did not have any time for me, so I cannot latch on to you saying "miss you" now. Missing me doesn't mean you want to spend time with me. When you're ready and wanting to do that, you'll talk to me. I'm not waiting for you though, I'm moving on. I'm upset that you cannot say you want me too...I'm upset you'd drag it out so long and ignore me and call it a communication failure "if by failure you mean - you refuse to tell me, then yes it's your failure." Some days I feel like I'm running out of time and I won't find my partner in life. I was really optimistic it would be you, that you wanted a family with me. Liking me a lot is not a reason to string me a long like you did, it was selfish. I hate you so much for it, because if a real friend would have spared me that kind of grief, embarrassment and protracted rejection. A real friend would have loved me enough to consider that I need to hear how you really felt a long time ago. My wanting to move forward slowly, never meant that I intended to be casual with you. You said you wanted a family life and yet you continue to over-commit yourself. You won't make time for me and it hurts. I cared about you so much, more than you'll ever know. I miss you too, but I'm done with this...I keep telling myself I'm done.

[myheadvsheart]

I forgot about my business network...saw your photo and my heart sank. I miss you awful, but I've been feeling that way for so long...I thought I'd be used to it by now.

[TiredOfGames]

And why did I pick up the phone? And then you became upset with me for moving on so quickly! Do you expect me to just wallow for months in the pain you caused? You underestimated me, but that's not surprising. You didn't seem to think much of me, the way you treated me, the way you spoke to me. And to think I let you do that too! Boy was my head screwed up. Not anymore. No, I do not care, and I find it pathetic that you would use an extreme theoretical case like you dying to test my level of care for you. I would take a bullet in the head before being your friend again. I will not be responding to your last email. Do not contact me again, via any means. I doubt you will; you are stubborn and selfish and you never initiated anything. But if you do email I won't read them; I'll simply just delete them. I will not pick up your phone calls; I will delete all records of them from my phone's memory. I regret the kind words I left for you in my last correspondence to you. You are not deserving of them and I take them back. But that's all I would take back. You are a shadow, a ghost. You are a stranger. You are barely noticeable to me. And in time you will fade away all together, and I cannot wait for that time. I'm looking forward to the holiday weekend. Means I won't have to see you on Monday. I'm even tempted to work Monday and take Tuesday off to extend the amount of time I won't see you, hear you, or sense your presence.

 

I'm going onwards and upwards, and I couldn't give a damn where you go!

[TiredOfGames]

You've really only ever thought poorly of me, the worst of me, and you were always sure to let me know it. Yet there was never any truth in what you said about me. You would constantly criticize me, hurl insults, and basically disrespect me. You took so much of what I felt, said, and did for you for granted, both the big and small things. You were inconsiderate and selfish, and you were disinterested in my affections. So I'm curious, what would being my friend now mean to you, when you weren't even my friend, let alone my lover, before?

 

I find myself disliking you so much. I hate that you've caused me to feel all of this crap. Yet my heart still wants what it wants, and it wants you. I hate that it wants you, because you were not good to me or for me. I deserve so much more, yet for whatever reason my heart still wants you. You have your FWB now. It sounds insane, but I feel like I want to be your friend just to be that FWB, no matter how unhealthy that would be long term. I hate the thought of you and this other guy, and him having you just for pleasure. But most of all I hate that this should even bother me, because you were not nice to me, quite the opposite. I dislike you so much, yet I still want you. A large part of me no longer cares about you, and I truly don't. You caused me so much pain. But even then, my heart still wants you. I hate what my heart wants.

[Lavender25]

I can't believe that you didn't even wish me a happy birthday. 2 weeks ago we were planning on going out for sushi to celebrate. Then you break up with me because you say you don't feel a "spark" anymore. BULL * * * * . I know you did. I KNOW you did. If you didn't FEEL anything, then you wouldn't have been crying like that when you broke up with me. If you didn't FEEL anything, then you wouldn't have said that you were going to miss me and miss being in a relationship with me. You say you didn't WANT to do it, but felt that you had to.

 

Why? Why? WHY?! I know I'll never know and I know you can't tell me because it's obvious that you don't know either. And I wish you'd done something horrible to me so I could be mad at you. I want to be ANGRY with you so I can move past you. But I can't because you were perfect. WE were PERFECT. We never fought, we always had fun with each other and couldn't get enough of each other. We needed more time! WE NEEDED MORE TIME!

 

I was hoping this breakup would be the opportunity for us to connect on a deeper level. To talk more deeply about us and what we want for each other and want for ourselves. But you've barely been in touch so I guess you don't want to talk.

 

Thanks for congratulating me on graduating. But why ignore me on my birthday? That's just low.

[corgidude]

I'm afraid I'll never fully understand what happened between us. Things were so good for so long, and toward the end of February and the beginning of March, I could tell something wasn't quite right. You didn't seem like yourself, and I know it began to affect my behavior as well. I became grumpier because I knew something didn't feel right, and I'm sure that that didn't help things at all. Yet, instead of trying to talk to you, I just decided it was in my head, and left it at that. Then came that night, that horrible horrible night when you said you didn't want to live together anymore. I was already in a bad mood, and that just crushed my spirits. We fought and I hated every second. All I wanted was to hear you say you didn't want to leave me. When we made up, or at least I thought we had... holding you in my arms never felt so good. And then when Monday came, and you went back to your decision, I was crushed and went through it all over again. I felt lost and confused; what had the past year and a half been for? When you found out you were pregnant, I was as supportive as I could be. I had hoped we would work things out, and even let myself get a little excited at what our future could be like. -Instead, you had an abortion, once again crushing my spirits. I quit talking to you, because I didn't know what to say. I was so HURT by your decisions. When you asked me to go for a walk with you to the store, I didn't want to go because I just didn't know what to say. I wish I had now. I wish I had tried to talk to you, and tried to get past my anger.

 

The following Wednesday, the last night we ever spent together, I felt like maybe we were getting back on track. We'd talked, goofed around with each other, and began to feel like old times. I was trying to figure things out on Thursday, when you said you were going out. If I had known that meant you were never coming back, I would have tried to talk things out then. Instead, you didn't come home and I just got mad because you didn't even bother to tell me you were staying elsewhere. And when you never came home the second night, I just got even more upset. And then you came home, sat down and told me it wasn't working out. Between my annoyance with your behavior and my shock at you saying that, I just agreed with you. I should have asked you to stay. I should have chased after you. I should have done ANYTHING except just sit there and let our relationship die with just a whimper.

 

I was never as happy with anyone as I was with you. And you, of all people, wound up being the one person who hurt me the most. Nobody has ever hurt me as deeply as you have, ever. What happened to the girl who used to light up when I showed up at her work just to say 'hello?' What happened to the girl who began talking about "our wedding" like it was just a matter of fact? What about the time when you got so violently sick, and I stayed by your side as much as my time and job allowed? Did I ever mean anything to you? How could you just turn your back on me, especially when I know you were hurting too? After we broke up, you had to fight back tears when I told you it was good to see you... if you were hurting that bad, why not just try and fix things? Why did you just have to give up? Why weren't all the experiences we'd shared not worth trying to fix things? And why are you now acting like I'm your enemy, like talking to me is the worst possible thing in the world you would ever have to do? I love you so much, and it hurts every day I wake up and you're not there. Why am I hurting so bad, and yet you seem like you couldn't be happier now that you're finally rid of me?

 

All I wanted was to be together. I was even willing to slip back to where we were casually dating, just to allow you the space and time you felt like you needed. There are times when I hurt so bad, I wish we'd never met, just so I wouldn't have to go through this. But at the same time, I have so many happy memories, the idea of losing them is painful as well. Now you're gone, and I'm here alone and broken. Nobody has ever made me feel this miserable. Nobody has ever caused me this much pain. Yet the person who claimed to have loved me so much not that long ago has managed to hurt me in ways I never thought possible. I truly loved you, and I hate that it wasn't until you were gone that I learned exactly how deep my feelings for you ran.

 

You were always there for me when I needed you. Whenever I was hurting, I could turn to you. But now, when I'm hurting the most, I can't turn to you, because you're the reason I'm hurting so bad. And despite everything you've done to hurt me, I still miss you. I still wish I could fall asleep with you in my arms. My life feels so much emptier now that you're no longer a part of it. I just wish I knew why you didn't even want to try.

[myheadvsheart]

Today, I'm struggling. I write off a rant to take you to task on your misbehavior and attitude of indifference. I write them on a note pad and edit them and then I delete them. Right now I'm just struggling with the lack of affection at the end. Remember when we couldn't wait to see one another, when you traveled, even then you had to webcam to see me online. I miss you so much and it hurts that you did not make time for me. It hurts when you pulled away and it hurts that you can tell me you miss me, but I know that it means you just feel guilty and want my absolution. I cannot give it. Why did you handle it this way? We're adults, you didn't have to do it this way. I hate you so much for what you've done, that you can act so cavalier toward me after being intimate with me. Don't burden me with your empty sentiments. I have to start ALL over again, be vulnerable and try letting someone in my life and learning to trust them again. I even cried today and I had not done that in weeks. I hope you feel conflicted and are second-guessing yourself.

[ferna3069]

well my brother told me that your mom called yesterday. i dont know if it was to hear my side or if she was going to tell me off i have no clue. at this point i really dont want to argue. if it was to hear my side of the story well here it gos.

 

ever since i met manda i always cared about her. when we met i promised not to hurt her. .we where both going threw a real tough time. with this email i dont really hope to acomplish anything but to give my side. this is the last email im going to send. well the first argument amanda and i ever had was the second time her family turned her back on her. every one was keeping tab on her treating her like a ten year old. she was treated bad.when this happened she called me and acted strange told me that if anything happened to her that i could have her bear. when she said that if anything happened to her i knew she was talking about suicide. i talked her out of doing anything. called a million times to make sure she was ok. i told her i wouldnt leave her side. so we talked in secret.at this point you can ask amanda to comfirm anything im saying so you see that im not lying. the whole time she was acting like this she pretty much scared me. so when she got home i told her that if she loves me she would move to where she is happy. thats the first time we ever argued. she told me that she did not know what to do and told me off. i told her that all i wanted was for her to be happy. that if shes happy there to stay there. i told her that i wanted her to be happy even if we never talk agian. so after arguing for so long she finally decides to move in with you.ever since manda always told me that if it wasnt for me she would be where she is right now.

 

 

when we started to argue after that was when she moved in with you.as you know you havent had your daughter for twenty years so i knew you wanted to spend time with her. well duing the time this was going on i was living in my brothers house and amanda was the only person i had. as you know there would be times where you and i would spend time together. i dont know if you ever knew this but i always viewed you as a mother figure. thats why in the beggining of the break up i was trying to contact you because i felt like i got my heart broken twice. well the only people i had during this time was your daughter and you. so when you guys would go watch movies i pretty much ended up by myself. i was fine with you two spending time together never had anything agianst that. well when both of you would spend time together i would text amanda and send her an email telling her how i feel about her. well she would take the whole day to answer the text. when i asked her why she told me it was because she forgot her phone. well so then i would tell her not to forget it. after that i texted her agian did the same thing took hours to answer and when i asked if she read the email all she did was scream at me. so i told her that while she spends time with you i wll go out to make friends. all she did was get mad and scream.i dont know if you remember but during that time when you heard her scream and told her she was been mean it was because of that.

 

 

all she would tell me is no because then il find some one else. the only thing i really wanted to do is go out and make friends since i did not want to be by myself. i was always a calm prson but her screaming at me started getting to me. this is when everything really happened. whenever she had a bad day , for example if she argued with you or rob she wouldnt say anything. she would not tell you something hurt her feelings instead she would take it out on me. this is when things started to get bad. this is when i started to get deffensive. ask her yourself this. if there was something that botherd her she would never tell me she would hold it in and then take everything out all at once.when i moved back home i finally had some one to spend time with .during this time you went to florida and she stayed with rob. well rob and her would argue all the time. when i was spending time with family manda would want to spend time with me. this is when she started been in her room the whole day. to be honest i always tried getting her to spend time with you. but i will explain that later on. well when you got back from florida everything changed. you and i would not really talk and her and i would talk the whole day.im talking about this now because this affected everything else. whenever manda had a bad day she would take it out on me. if something botherd her she would say nothing was wrong. this is when i started to change. i had to get kind of loud for her to say something just for her not to scream..

i always tried getting her to speak up . to deffend herself. alot of the times when her brother talked or made fun of her she would come to me telling me she feels bad about it.if he made fun of her she felt like you took derriks side. never said anything for the fear of hurting your feelings. the thing about me is that i always encouraged her to say what she feels.but instead she would stay quiet blow up and scream when every thing built up. ether at me or rob.manda cought the text messages that you sent people when you talked about her saying that she was lazy and saying that she was to big. alot of the times she heard when you talked about how big she was. and hurt her feelings. ever since we met i made a promise to her and told her that i would be there for her.that i would get her to stand up for herself. and standing up by herself did not mean arguing but talking and saying what was on her mind. honestly i got to the point where i would get tiredof getting screamed at and i started to fight back. im sorry but getting screamed at is not a good feeling.this is what happened when i whent over there. manda wanted to do everything at once. i kept asking her to help me sign up for school because i thought we where going to go to the school to go meet a councler. when i was over there i was trying to make every one happy. trying to throw away the garbage take the dogs out.trying to get her room cleaned so you two wouldnt argue about her room and complain about all the boxes she had. i just wanted to help out so the family would be better. i never tried breaking up the family i just wanted everything to be ok.

 

well that one day that you heard manda scream she tried doing everything at once. getting school together. cleaning the whole room, putting the thing on the r4 card. she told me to get off the bed. she did not even say it calm she just started screaming at me. honestly her screaming was getting to me. i never liked it and she knew it. my dad screamed at me all my life and i did not want her to scream at me.she told me to hurry up and download all the games.pretty much screaming and getting more mad. at this time i ignored her becaus i mean common who honestly likes getting screamed at? then she stomped out of the room and thats when you to talk. when she comes back she tells me that you two talked and you said that you had a controliing bf that would hit you. this got to me because i mean i never ever thought about hiting your daughter.i honestly was so stressed out because i tried doing so much to make every one happy. worked the whole christmas season.to have enough money for rent and have enough money to go visit manda. well she made me feel bad about not been able to afford the ipod so i worked even harder. at that point everything got to me. everything from the list because i thought it wasnt right how she pretty much screamed at me for twenty dollars. she never once botherd to ask if i was almost done downloading the games.to be honest all i wanted was to be talked to like a regular person. so i got mad and said it was pathetic how she only gos out if it cost money. i know it was wrong of me to call her a name but i was just so stressed. never before had i called her anything. she called me names ton of times. i always kept my mouth closed for the fear of hurting her. she never botherd to listen to what i even said. i told her before that the games only took at the most a minute to download.

 

then there was the time that i said she smelled like a fish. well i said it smelled fishy. i know this was wrong of me and im sorry. i had no clue it even hurt her feelings. ask her about this yourself. but we always compared the period like a fishy smell. it wasnt even that she really smelled it was just she did not have a pad on. she went the bathroom for five mins and thats it the smell was gone. i did not make fun of her or told any one about it. but the smell was just there.

 

then there was the second hand store. well this is the day we whent to the bank. i was pretty much almost out of money. we whent to look at the stuff in the second hand store to see what there was. well i know this was wrong. but i found this one thing and changed the tag. walked around. the thing about this is i wasnt the only one who wanted to do this. manda found the pair of shoes that she has now. said lets try that first then we will try this. i knew that the converse people where looking so i just told her to keep the price on it and take them because i wanted her to have them. so we take both things and i only have enough for one. at the end i spend the last couple dollars i have on the shoes.

 

and you also told me about going out. when i told her that if she loves me she will go out with me. to be honest we both always used the if you love me thing. thereis this thing we would do at night when we would turn on candles and just talk. well there was nights where i was just to tired . i would get on the bed and try to go to sleep. manda would get on top of me and tikle me. or she would tell me if you love me you will spend time with me. well i thought the same thing apllied to going out. il tell you right now that i never used this to take advantage of her. not once. well thats what i was planning the day we whent out. manda always told me how she wanted me to read to her before bed. and she told me how she always wanted a puppy from the pet shop kind of like you got valen. she wanted her own valen. well i wanted to show her a good time by going out with out it costing anything. i wanted to go to the petshop to see what kind of dog she likes and going to the library to choose the books she wanted to read. i was going to pay close attention to what dog she likes so i can get it for her later. i always done this kind of things. there would be times where i would bring a subject up and then listen to what she had to say and then surprise her with it.

 

one of the things that got to me was when erica told me that manda said i cuddled with her one day when she did not want to. honestly. not once did she tell me that she felt uncomfterable or that she did not want to cuddle. this is one of the exampes that she never said what she felt. sure she would tell every one else but never once told me one thing. if she would of ever told me herself you know it hurt my feelings when you did this or that. i would of said sorry made up for it and not do it agian. she never talked. she always had that fear of hurting some ones feeling. im sorry miss lynn but i cant read minds. if she had anything in her mind she wouldnt just ask she would wait until it botherd her to get mad about it. this gos the same with what i told you about her past.the two days we where in the room she was asleep most of the time. i wasnt arguing with her or telling her off the whole time. most of the time all she did was sleep. well the day after that she told me how she felt uncomfterable in her own skin and how she was scared of the world. how she had panik attacks even when she was in the car for the fear that some one was going to hurt her.then she fell back asleep. well everything she said pankied me. so i tried waking her up saeen wahts going on. i never dated a girl with a past like this and i didnt know what to think. i didnt know what was going in her mind so i tried waking her up to see what was going on. when she woke up thats when i asked if she wanted to be friends. she said can we and i said yeah but im going to have to go home with family because i need to be around family. then i stood up. whent to put some of the cloth on my suitcase. and we both ended up going to the living room. she calls derrek and tells him that she ruined the best thing that was going in her life. i sit on the coach and start crying. at this point im scared im confused i have a ton of emotions running threw me. she gets on her kneace and beggs me not to go.i tell her not to beg because i dont want to ever see her like that. i never tried taking advantage of the situation. i ask her if this has to do with the past .she tells me she doesnt know that she just feels weird. then we go back to cuddling fall asleep. thats when you wake up she runs out of the room and i go see whats going on. after this im confussed , so when she gos back to the room i ask her if it has to do with her past or not. she tells me she doesnt know what it is. to be honest i never begged for her to come back to me. never asked her for a second chance because i knew that if it had to do anything about that she doesnt need a bf at the time. yeah at first i ask her if she loves me give her a kiss and after that i stop.after that i keep asking her whats wrong. did not ask her to come back to me. i tell her that im scared because of the way shes acting. well that night she when to sleep upstairs. i stay up the whole night and ask game which is our mutual friend what to do. thats when he tells me that he thinks its best if you knew. because your the only one who can really help out. i fell asleep that night around 4 in the morning looking up places where i can take her to get help. ever since she told me about her past she told me that she wanted me to go to therapy with her. so i thought i would look up the places and tell you about it so you can pretty much help out. i was not trying to get back with her with this. when my bigger sister was small my uncle tried taking advantage of her. my family found out and my mom send him to jail. at this point all i really thought was that she needed some one to be there for her my my sister needed some one there for her when it happened to her. i know the day before i told her i couldnt be her friend. but after staying up the whole night and thinking of what to do i thought that the least i can do for her was be there for her when she needed me the most. and thats when that morning came up. i showed amanda what me and game where talking about. the dog needed out so i took him out. i never told any one this kind of news before. i wanted to tell you but wasnt sure how. and thats when you start screaming at me telling me to leave her lalone. then i tell you it wasnt my fault that she was acting like that and you said yes it was screaming even louder. i wanted to tell you more calm but the screaming did not help. i got stuck i paniked did not know what to say so i said if you knew what i knew then the dog barked agian and you whent asking manda what i was talking about.tobe honest i did not think i was going to get anything out of this. not a thank you not manda back nothing. i thought maybe you where just going to get her help and that was it. if manda once told me that things hurt her feelings and thats the reason she broke up with me i wouldnt of said anything. you asked why after two years i never told you this until she broke up with me. well to be honest i did not feel it was my place. not until she freaked out on me. i had no clue what to do . i thought the only person who can help was you. i mean seen her scared like that gave me a lot of thoughts. one if you did not know what was wrong who was going to help her?two if i left and you saw her like that you would of thought i did something to her.

 

when talking about sex first happened.manda was living with her dad during this time. one night we where talking about the future and about adopting a baby. well that night manda ask me if i wanted to have a baby the natural way. i told her that im not sure because i dit not want to hurt her. every time she would talk about it i would turn her down for the fear of hurting her. well one day she told me to stop treating her like she was glass. so we would talk about it. after we talked about it she would make me feel guilty. well she would mention sex more and more. if i talked about it she would make me feel guilty if i did not talk about it she would get mad at me. there was times where i would get into it but then making me feel guilty got me mad. i told her that we dont have to do anything if she doenst want to but she would just get mad at me. well after i moved back home we where on the cam one day. i was in my room . well the room had no way to lock it and there was people walking outside the room. well that day she told me to take off my cloth. i told her no. she kept telling me i kept telling her no bcause there was people walking outside the room. she did not listen when i told her this. all she told me wasit doesnt matter take it off. i got mad at her and screamed told her to stop. well after this i told her that if she doesnt stop i will break up with her because i dont want to be pressued to do somehting i dont want to do. after that she would make me feel bad if i did not want to. she would tell me that she doesnt feel like i love her if i did not want to do anything with her. she would cry about it make me feel bad. then there was times where she would tell me that she feels like i did not make her feel beutiful if i did not do anything with her. this is one of the things we would argue about alot. i did not want to feel pressured to do anything and at the same time i wa scared of loosing her. the reason i did what she told me was because i felt so bad if i didnt. then i started getting mad about it told her to stop . we stopped for a while and we ended up talking about it. at the end i felt comfterable but every time we would do anything i would feel bad about it. i always told her that she doesnt have to do anything if it hurt her .this is one of the things that got me so deffensive towards her . i did not want to feel pressued. after a while everything was ok. but the anger was there. i just did not want o feel pressued to do anything. this is something that we argued for a while it was a big problem.

 

to be honest i did not want to feel like i was used

[Silverbirch]

One day, I might meet somebody

who is something like the person I THOUGHT you were.

When and if that happens

I wont give you a second thought

[NANsense]

All I intended to write was two little words..."you" and "suck"....but really I hope to follow in silverbirch's footsteps and not even care enough one day to be pissed off at what a FAKE you are anymore!

[Silverbirch]

Hugs Nan. If you send me a description of what might interest you, I will forward on details of any good candidates.

 

And to your ex:

 

You Suck Jerk

[therebounded]

It's only hours away until your birthday. I really wanted to be there to celebrate your special day with you. A part of me feels like I should reach out just this once. Just to show that I care, just so that I don't seem cold. But you made that choice for both of us. You made the decision not have me in your life and like I said I would: I have disappeared, completely, no drama. You know how much I care about you, how I would've been there, smiling the widest. You'll hear it from everybody else near and dear to you, but not from me. Not because I don't give a , but because I DO. It was your choice to just let me walk away, and I will respect that choice. There is NOTHING for me to feel guilty about.

 

Happy Birthday, and I truly wish that you enjoy yourself in the company of the many people who care about you.

[StayingStrong]

I don't understand how you've changed so much over the past two weeks

[Love1336]

 

I'm finally free from you.

I'm so proud of myself.

I did it! I did it!

I don't care anymore.

So why am I here writing this? I don't know. Looking at all my old entries made me feel like crap because I was so pathetic for you.

Now to be honest i don't care if you lived or died.

I really want to help others now.

[Silverbirch]

Hey just to say

I've realised I am ready now and

so looking forward now to

Meeting other men and enjoying life

I'm wondering what it will be like

To be with people who don't have

All that mess, hatred and resentment

In their lives caused by themselves

And actually, what will it be like to

Go out with guys who can attract

Women for what they have genuinely

Going for themselves

Unlike you who puts on the mask

of being such a nice guy

When really

You're just shallow, a sleaze and

B O R I N G