TiredOfGames

How did things become so *'d up between us? I don't understand it given what we had. I know you felt it too, you even said so on numerous occasions, but you also seem comfortable that it just wasn't meant to be. I don't buy that. Relationships require work, and when they're something you believe in you're willing to put forth the effort. You just gave up putting in any effort at all. I'm trying to not obsess any more but it's hard. I'm truly sad, heartbroken, and now teary eyed.

My only solace is posting here. I have nowhere else to turn. It's helpful for sure, and the support is amazing. I wouldn't be here if it weren't for you. I tried to stay away, to get outside, and I did for most of the weekend, but that didn't result in me feeling any better. You've turned me back to day 1 and my only outlet and source of comfort. Looks like I'll be back here for some time again now. Thank-you for putting me in this place. I'm tired of games. I'm tired of you. I'm tired of loving you still and the anguish that brings. My only hope is that some day I will never have to set eyes on you again, never hear your voice, or sense your presence. I want rid of you completely. No friends in the future, nothing. I want to erase all memory of you. Until our time together I've not regretted anything in my life. I've chosen the path of growing and learning from my experiences. But not this one. You have taught me pain and anguish. I regret ever meeting you, I really do. If there was one moment in time that I could go back to, it would be attending that interview where I now work with you. That's when we first met. I would turn the interview down and go for one of the many other possibilities available at the time. I can't, but I sure wish I could.

I feel like recent contact has put me back to day 1. Thank you for that. I was doing so much better when I just plain hated you. I want to hate you again, and in a way I do. I can't stand being around you at work. I'd look for a new job, probably even move to a different city to get away from all of the familiar places, but I can't deal with that kind of stress right now. You succeeded in keeping me stuck. You strung me along and I felt stuck. I didn't want to leave so I allowed you to do this. And now that we are done, I feel even more stuck. Stuck at work. Stuck in my personal life. Back to being stuck on you. You suck and I hate you.

You've really only ever thought poorly of me, the worst of me, and you were always sure to let me know it. Yet there was never any truth in what you said about me. You would constantly criticize me, hurl insults, and basically disrespect me. You took so much of what I felt, said, and did for you for granted, both the big and small things. You were inconsiderate and selfish, and you were disinterested in my affections. So I'm curious, what would being my friend now mean to you, when you weren't even my friend, let alone my lover, before? I find myself disliking you so much. I hate that you've caused me to feel all of this crap. Yet my heart still wants what it wants, and it wants you. I hate that it wants you, because you were not good to me or for me. I deserve so much more, yet for whatever reason my heart still wants you. You have your FWB now. It sounds insane, but I feel like I want to be your friend just to be that FWB, no matter how unhealthy that would be long term. I hate the thought of you and this other guy, and him having you just for pleasure. But most of all I hate that this should even bother me, because you were not nice to me, quite the opposite. I dislike you so much, yet I still want you. A large part of me no longer cares about you, and I truly don't. You caused me so much pain. But even then, my heart still wants you. I hate what my heart wants.

And why did I pick up the phone? And then you became upset with me for moving on so quickly! Do you expect me to just wallow for months in the pain you caused? You underestimated me, but that's not surprising. You didn't seem to think much of me, the way you treated me, the way you spoke to me. And to think I let you do that too! Boy was my head screwed up. Not anymore. No, I do not care, and I find it pathetic that you would use an extreme theoretical case like you dying to test my level of care for you. I would take a bullet in the head before being your friend again. I will not be responding to your last email. Do not contact me again, via any means. I doubt you will; you are stubborn and selfish and you never initiated anything. But if you do email I won't read them; I'll simply just delete them. I will not pick up your phone calls; I will delete all records of them from my phone's memory. I regret the kind words I left for you in my last correspondence to you. You are not deserving of them and I take them back. But that's all I would take back. You are a shadow, a ghost. You are a stranger. You are barely noticeable to me. And in time you will fade away all together, and I cannot wait for that time. I'm looking forward to the holiday weekend. Means I won't have to see you on Monday. I'm even tempted to work Monday and take Tuesday off to extend the amount of time I won't see you, hear you, or sense your presence. I'm going onwards and upwards, and I couldn't give a damn where you go!

You used to complain about your last relationship and how you were treated, how mean he was to you etc. I really wonder now how YOU were in that relationship??? These things are never one-sided, and you've shown me the one side that most likely contributed to the demise of your past relationships. I've gone through feelings of love, hate, even pity toward you. You said you wanted to remain friends. What a load of rubbish! You haven't even treated me like a friend, let alone a lover, for the past 7 months! Why suddenly do you want us to be friends now??? And what in the world makes you think I want to be your friend??? You cried and I actually felt bad for you, even though you just took and took and took and never gave anything back, not even your precious time. But if you truly were hurting at that moment, you only brought that upon yourself. I've fixed myself; you should think about doing the same before diving right into the arms of someone else. Probably a little too late this time around though. You are not my friend and you never will be. Plain and simple, I dislike you, but good luck to you nonetheless.

Day 4, Saturday, bored. We work together, so I'm LC there (but only because I'm forced to). Hope my NC for everything else still counts here. This is my first weekend of NC.