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Everything posted by wcl

  1. dunno how long its been, 6 weeks some thing like that. and i feel so bad. the last few weeks i have been looking on her FB, i cant see much, no wall posts as she has set it to friends only. but i do look at her pic, sometimes it makes me worse, some times i smile and am happy, but the past few weeks my mood has been low. the dreams have started up again, i hardly sleep, i wake up ion sweats thinking about her. and earlier i was in an ok mood as i am on a saturday, just checking FB and looked on her page...and she had a new picture, she has changer her hair shes smiling and happy and looks absolute beautiful...and i felt sick, my stomach dropped and i started to cry, burst into tears. i dont know why i torture myself. i am improving myself i know what was wrong, it isnt easy but i will continue to work hard at it. and i do still want her back. i have been oput of work for a while, but got a job a few weeks back, and it seriously does help, and i can treat myself, be with friends more, enjoy my spare time, and keep my mind occupied. while out of work i could only dwell on her. and its given me alot of my confidence back. i still love you so much
  2. Gona be a terrible night sleep tonight a think. been a bad day today. its very strange i can be thinking of something, then suddenly my thought changes to her, and a wash of sadness comes over me, its really heavy, then as soon as it comes that sadness evens out, while still thinking of her. it was still bright here at half nine, and i thought to my self, wow summer has arrived, and as soon as i said that to myself, i instantly thought of a summer without her and past summers and felt so low. then while thinking of it still the sadness left. i miss her and want her so bad, it is getting easier in one way, but i will always miss want and love her
  3. not sure what day i am on. been split for what, something like 10 11 weeks it was terrible at the start, it still is. but at the start i was more like a nervous person, anxious i guess, i couldnt get you out of my mind, felt all sorts of emotions, anger and hate included. i calmed down, and its leveled out to where i am now i guess. i am plodding along. its not easy, not having much work on, and alot of time by myself doesent help. i dont think about of you as much, but when i do i get really sad. i miss you more now than ever, staying NC is good for my healing, but knowing that my thoughts of you are going to get less and less, and having to rely on memories makes me really sad. i have no idea about you, but it would be nice if you had some feelings of sadness, and do look back at all the amazing happy we times we had, but can still smile. i do
  4. today is a terrible day i am so angry at you, i thought things were going well, and days like today happen where it hits me like a tonne of bricks, stuck at home nothing to do dark dank weather! why havnt you had to endure any of this, its all so easy for you! why dont you feel some pain, feel sad for once, how can you do it? be so happy every day since! and spout lies to me about how you feel and felt about me and us, all rubbish, thats what i am feeling now anyway, you were just trying to be kind by feeding my lies
  5. i dont know, i really do not know. you have got me in a mess again! its easy then its hard, im up then i am down, i cant sleep, i am dreaming of you and the dreams are horrible, you are horrible to me in them! why am i thinking this of you. honestly...i cant ever see my self being over you properly, i havnt been like this with anyone, and i hate it. i want you happy, but i am gona be unhappy for a good while yet, and for those selfish reasons, i want you, now. i want you, why should some lesser person than me have you!. be happy
  6. getting pretty difficult again. we broke no contact last week but i started it again, its messing with my head! i am pretty ok during the day but the mornings are terrible. caused by the fact i have been dreaming about her. i dont normally remember my dreams much but since the split i can remember them and they are mostly about her. last night i had a really realistic vivid one, she knocked at my door and was all friendly we hugged i let her in, and she told me since the split shes been taking lots of hard drugs and getting in a mess (she never took drugs in real life) but she was better. we talked more, then i went to make us a drink, came back and found she was upstairs on my computer looking on facebook and accusing me of seeing an ex again, and i explained its all rubbish, and she suddenly came out and said she didn't fancy me and never did! unreal for a dream the feeling i got from that was so realistic, broke my heart! makes me wonder whats going on in my head subconsciously and what the feeling all mean for me do dream that she never ever fancied me during all the time we were together! i cant get her out of my head this morning
  7. the last 2 days have been so difficult i wasn't expecting plain sailing, i expected ups and downs, but so so bad recently. i have been having dreams about her and they are horrible, last nights i cant remember all of the specifics, but i was basically sat round her house for ages, down stairs, i didn't know where she was, i had enough and shouted for her, and she came down stairs all dressed up to go out, she looked beautiful. i asked her why she was ignoring me, she led me upstairs to talk and the dream stopped! i cant remember much of my dreams usually, but this was so vivid, she has been on my mind all day, and i don't know why, for what reason, but i had to draw what she looked like in it, i didn't want to forget it! very strange few days
  8. yesterday we ended it, for good, i was gona stop writing on here, but id rather write on here than in my book like i used to, i kept reading that and it made it worse. but yeah, completely over, done, said goodbye, and i gotta say, the closure has done wonders. i love her and always will, she was my best friend the most amazing person i have ever met, we were great, something went wrong along the way, its pessimistic to say it, but i know i wont ever find anyone one like her again. but i feel good i can move on
  9. day 25 and its all done and dusted! i received a message from her asking if we could still be friends, but only if i could honestly say i could accept that and nothing more! honestly i cant see that especially not so soon after the break up. anyway i rang her we had a chat said goodbye and wished each other luck with the rest of our lives, i feel like crap now. i am done with this site now, i have gathered enough info and it has all helped me, thankyou
  10. day 25 for some reason today i have had the urge to contact her. i am not feeling anxious or depressed about the situation. i have just wanted to ask a simple hello how are you? i dont know anything about her situation now, if shes with someone or not, but i have been thinking of asking one of her friends if she is with someone, i havnt asked either of them though and dont intend to, but its hard, keep getting these urges to contact her. it was hard at the start, got easier, and its swinging back round to being hard again. i am glad its the weekend, i can forget about it and spend some time with my mates, if it was the start of the week these urges would have gotten worse
  11. day 25 was a strange one today, i dreamed about her again, and thought about her alot, only briefly, and i mean briefly, it was like a flash memory, it just hit me and i remembered an event, a smell a sight, her saying something. they were all nice things though. i had to laugh at a few things too, i was watching tv and when certain things were happening or were said and i said in my head things about my ex. one thing was a special k breakfast cereal commercial and the voice over in it said "women know how to organize themselves in the morning" and i said to myself in my head yeah she was always up and organized, and i remembered our mornings waking up together and her morning routine and the good times we had in the mornings, and i laughed to my self and smiled! strange day, but a good one, i havnt had one like it but i hope for more
  12. day 24! its getting easier, i don't think of her as much, but it still hurts alot when i do, that pain is still the same, just less frequent. the acceptance is getting there too. during the NC time, i have had some good times with mates over the bank holidays, and i am sure she has to, and that hasn't really bothered me, i thought id care if she was out in clubs and at gigs and all that, because of other guys, but it doesn't really enter my head. if i found out she was seeing someone i would be devastated, but no word of that yet. the thing i have been missing most recently is the sex and the touching, i do miss all aspects of her, but the sex has been right up there the last 2 days
  13. day 19 i think * * * * day been watching this royal wedding, and wow, what a drag, i watched them and forever ever though "if that was me and K i would be holding her hand now" "if that was me i would be kissing her" so sad and pathetic! i couldn't get her out of my mind and its driven me loopy today, worst day in some time, i am off to bed, wont get to sleep though i know, i will be thinking of her!
  14. day 16 or 17 something like that went on fb today for the first time, and some news feeds came up of some of our mutual friends, and well they didn't help, talking about what they had been up to, the fun shes had all the gigs shes been to. she is definatly making the most of it and having a good time, good on her i guess. my stomach sunk when i seen the statuses. i miss her. i have decided to message these people inform them i have to block them for a bit, i cant be seeing that stuff, i need to use fb because my phone is broke
  15. day? dunno 13 14 something like that but ruined and got myself to blame completely, had a great day, great bank holiday Easter weekend, i KNEW she did too, it didn't bother me at all till i came and settled down, put some music on, headphones, it got me in a funk, a mood, sad songs, songs that remind me of her (that's why i put them on) and i go and tell her on twitter i miss her, i feel so annoyed, no reply yet, and i don't expect one, that's how i feel but i don't need her knowing that! i wish she was out having fun while i mope about! i am so angry at myself, i would love a response, it would he nice for the ego, but again...i dont expect one, she will completely dismiss it
  16. i dont know what day it is but its crap THE worst day i have been out with mates enjoyed the bank holiday! but in the back of my mind knew she was at an event we were supposed to be at! shes had fun, with her mates, no doubt seen some lads, had fun in the sun! i know this, iv been out most of the day but seen a mutual friends FB, and i am so * * * * ing pissed off, i so want to break NC and just ask her "look, you have a choice stop * * * * ing me about and move on or come talk to me" i know shes trying to get on with life and is succeeding better than me, but it makes me SOOOOO MAD
  17. i dont know what day it is but its crap THE worst day i have been out with mates enjoyed the bank holiday! but in the back of my mind knew she was at an event we were supposed to be at! shes had fun, with her mates, no doubt seen some lads, had fun in the sun! i know this, iv been out most of the day but seen a mutual friends FB, and i am so * * * * ing pissed off, i so want to break NC and just ask her "look, you have a choice stop * * * * ing me about and move on or come talk to me" i know shes trying to get on with life and is succeeding better than me, but it makes me SOOOOO MAD
  18. its gonna be a really hard day tomorrow! i was trying not to count down days, but this day was always coming up, its a weekend we had planned together, going to some events and spending some time alone, but now shes going with her mates instead, i cant be cruel enough to go myself, we cant see each other, i was only interested in going with her anyway! we had a full weekend planned and then a week together, just us in a cottage! its gonna be tough! i am gonna surround my self with my friends and try to have some fun, take my mind off it
  19. its been a hard day today, its getting easier in some ways, im accepting it more, but elements are getting harder. im missing the contact so much, i touched her, held her, hugged her, kissed her, stroked her hair, looked at her face everyday, and its been so long since iv done that, what i wouldn't give to hold her!
  20. day 10 im getting to engrossed in this number counting, it seems silly, its making me think "well OK, exactly on day 30 i may text her" i need to stop counting the days and just get on with it. Its easier at weekends because i don't have to dwell on it, in the week im alone alot working and don't have much chance to see mates until the weekend. the number counting i think isnt helping in that i to want her to throw me some crumbs, and it puts my mind into over drive! "10 days and no contact? is she that heartless?" thinking crap like that! As has been said it only gets harder, well i need to stop expecting something. i am gonna try my hardest to take it day by day, but not tally that day off and keep count
  21. day 9 WHY did i look at pictures of you? i knew it would be silly to but i couldn't stop myself, i feel crap now! i miss you. this summer would have been great together, traveling enjoying the weather, seeing the things we enjoy, doing the things we enjoy. its going to be a tough summer, but i cant let it fly by, i gotta get enjoying myself more
  22. day 9 had an absolutely terrible night last night. was thinking about her all night, got hardly any sleep, when i did i was dreaming of her. the dreams were stupid, they were mostly me checking on facebook and seeing that she is with someone else. i am dreading that moment, i hope she doesn't go into a relationship anytime soon until i am over this abit more it will drag me back if she does. i got a feeling of anxiousness today, i am not thinking of her much though, it only tends to be at night, i can keep myself busy during the day. it will be a difficult weekend though, being a bank holiday and Easter and all, i know she will be off out doing something fun, when it would have been both of us spending the long weekend together just us. myself i wont be doing anything particularly exciting or fun, but hopefully the weather will be nice and i can spend it with my mates, that will help
  23. day 8 the weekend was hard. was busy and had lots to do, but doing things for the sake of doing them doesnt help much, i still cant get my mind off her. dreamnt about her, it was a nice dream. feel good today (well better) normally on a monday im alone in the house all day, and feel crap, but today i am ok, i am at a level i can cope with. no up no downs, just level.
  24. day 7 just finishing feel crap, the worst, everyday has got crapper, was out with mates, in the sun, tried to have fun and was miserable! went home sat down watched a film, and the WORST part of the day haha, watched raging bull, and the part where shes kissing his belly made me go mental, i cant escape her, shes everywhere! i love her so much. i know shes being strong, i wish she wasnt, i wish she was crying and hanging on the phone ready to call me
  25. day 7 the weekends are the worst! i thought the week was hard! struggling in silence! but i knew she was, shes out now having fun, i aint! horrible! i am gona go 1 more week at least, then break NC, i cant cope, id rather have a definitive yes or no!
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