hers Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 Or you could ask where you stand and not worry anymore! Link to comment
FreedomRing Posted August 9, 2009 Share Posted August 9, 2009 I'm with Hers...ask already!! Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted August 9, 2009 Author Share Posted August 9, 2009 I'm just not ready to do it. I know it'd stop the wondering, I've done it before. But I just don't feel ready to ask. I at least want to wait until after the Bat Mitzvah so he'll go with me haha. I really don't want to go alone! And any close guy friends I have are engaged or married. Link to comment
strategos Posted August 10, 2009 Share Posted August 10, 2009 You can just wait. But you won't get anywhere.I'll tell you why. Shy/Reserved guys aren't always ready to make contact. They just don't. By expecting to do that, you'd be expecting something that's out of his comfort zone. He would not do it unless he was forced to. I say this because I am one. I've tried hard to get out of it, but habits die hard. It's nothing that you are doing wrong. He's taking his sweet time. He may be waiting for a marker as to when to show his true feelings to you. With my SO right now, I was and I'm still slow with her (after a couple of dates and months of getting to know each other before, I haven't even held her hand - but I didi kiss and hug her amongst other things). This was mainly because I didn't know where we stood. But now that I do (we're pretty much de facto exclusive), I'd have no problem kissing her right now. Some people have their markers or boundaries that could only be crossed under certain circumstances. Believe it or not, asking him would be the safest thing to do. You could get what you want (an answer) without having to put yourselves out on a limb. The not so safe, and slower approach, is to wait for him. He will not do anything yet because he is not ready. The two ways he'll do anything is if: (1) he suddenly "gets it" and he reveals his feelings, and acts accordingly or (2) You basically initiate the contact. The first one almost never happens. The second one you are guaranteed to get a response. He likes you. He just needs to be comfortable when to tell you. I would not say wait forever but instead give off hints. Sometimes he has to be led. Kiss him on the cheek if you have to. Make it so obvious that you're interested that he should be able to get it. You may even kiss him yourself. I only say this because he still may not get it. You may have to take the initiative. Good luck Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 any updates with the guy? sorry about the situation, sounds a bit maddening. i think it's probably having something to do with him just getting out of an engagment, and probably wanting to date and have fun, and not get serious with someone right now. while it's frustrating that he hasn't made a move on you, i can understand his point of view, maybe he sees you as a good girl and doesn't want to lead you on and hurt you - knowing you might get attached should things get physical. just a guess, i don't know. i think you should keep your eyes open for other men as well. maybe sign up for match yourself! Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted August 14, 2009 Author Share Posted August 14, 2009 Well from what I heard from the person that set us up, he wants to be in a relationship. But I agree that it probably has to do with just coming out of the engagement (he's still obviously angry) and probably hesitant and wanting to see what's out there before deciding who to be with. He has talked about really wanted to get married. Nothing new has happened. Next weekend is the first weekend I've had free in a long time, so I'm going to see if he wants to come for a day visit. If not, I'll see him the weekend after at the Bat Mitzvah. After that, the ball is in his court to make the next move. I kind of decided that I have nothing else going on with anyone else, so I don't want to rock the boat. I enjoy talking to him and seeing him when I can, so until someone else comes along and it becomes an issue, I'm just going with the flow. I have kinda thought of signing up for match in the fall when my schedule calms down. I still have three weddings to go to and two are out of town, so I'd rather wait until I have more free time. I'd have to talk to him first though because I think that the mileage preference on his profile would include where I live. So I don't want him logging on and him seeing that I've got a new profile. I'd rather have that "what is going on" conversation first. Besides, if things are still like this in October...it's definitely time to have it! Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 fair enough, nothing wrong with asking him in october what is up. sounds like a good plan! have fun at the weddings! Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 14, 2009 Share Posted August 14, 2009 I agree with that plan. I would think that if he wasn't ready for a relationship but didn't want to risk you not being around when he was he would tell you that directly or tell you that he couldn't continue seeing you for fear of turning you off, and that he would be in touch when he was ready (that's what happened with a friend of mine -- he did call her a month later as promised and they got engaged 6 months after that). Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 So the bat mitzvah was a bust. He didn't want to dance at all. Not that I'm big on dancing, but I at least wanted to do a slow dance. It was kind of awkward because there weren't a whole lot of adults dancing...but it would have been nice. So we basically just sat there the whole time talking and joking around. No affection at all. The only time touched was during this one dance where everyone holds hands and when we stopped to clap there we were standing close enough to be touching. But nothing. I drove since it was my event and it was close to his house. He didn't invite me in to hang out after, but he did have to work in the morning. But still. And there was this girl at our table who was very very pretty and she gave us a flier for her piano recital. I saw him folding it up and then it was gone. I think he pocketed it. I'm just kinda sick of the whole thing. I like him, but not this situation. He did ask if I was coming in next weekend, but it could have just been a conversation thing. A male friend of mine is actually coming to visit and he was helping me think of things to do with him here...so obviously it doesn't bother him. But I've kind of just reconciled with myself that nothing will happen here. Oh, he also was talking about his ex some more and all the wedding stuff they had planned. Fun times. So now I'm left with, do I say something? Or just let it fade? I don't mind talking to him still, because we have great conversations. So should I just say something for clarity or just keep talking to him without putting in any more effort to see him so it basically just stays what it is...friends. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 ugh, sorry to hear. hm... i don't know. what do you think would happen if you told him about your feelings? do you think he would respond the same way, or do you think he would go with the 'just friends' angle? it sounds right now, the way you are describing him, it's a 'just friends' thing.... though i could be wrong. any other interesting guys on the horizon? Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 No other guys. I've barely been in town, so it's not helping me meet anyone. I honestly don't know what's going through his head. I mean we meet on a blind date and have been doing this "thing" for 3 months and I ask him to a bat mitzvah...I mean I think it's obvious where I'm coming from. And he really does sound like a good guy, so if he just wants to be friends he has to know he'd be leading me on to a point. Maybe he thinks he's sending me a message by not doing anything though. He didn't even say I looked pretty. But then if he wants just friends...why keep calling? Then again...it's not as frequent. It's 2-3 days, still taking turns...but he's gone 4 days recently. Technically it's my turn next...so maybe I'll wait a few days and just make a short phone call. Usually he's the one to end it, but maybe I'll do it this time. I don't want to just not call anymore because I'd honestly be OK with being friends with him. Link to comment
hers Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 J! This is the exact same situation I went through with M....it sounds like it's all happening the same way too. I think you need to tell him your intentions/feelings and then let him decide. M was very interested in friendship with me (and still is) and I really don't think he had any idea that he was (or still is) leading me on. The only way to get through this feeling is honesty--you don't need to deliver a "break up" call to him but jsut make it clear to him that you are confused about where your relationship stands, if it's just a friendship or has the potential for something more. Otherwise, you'll be in this agonizing limbo and trust me, it's agonizing!! I'm sorry to hear it was a bust... Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 i wonder what his reaction would be if you said something to 'test' him - something like, 'my friend wants to set me up with her brother, but he's 21, too young, hahahaha!' and see what he says to that. is he still active on link removed? Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 I'm trying not to look at match...but I'm assuming so. It doesn't seem like he's really dating off of it though. He's always commenting how he doesn't do anything. Not that I'd expect him to be like, oh hey I went on a date...but when he talks about what he's been up to it comes up. Yea I know I just need to straight up ask. I'm so nervous about doing it though. I'm better at it when the guy is being a jerk and he's not technically doing that. Would it be bad to be like, I'm just a little confused because we met on a blind date and we've kept talking, but I feel like I'm getting mixed signals and not sure what you're looking for. Link to comment
hers Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 just come out and ask...it's better than not knowing. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted August 30, 2009 Author Share Posted August 30, 2009 I know...but part of me says that if I have to ask...then it's not right. So why put myself through the pain of hearing it? I seriously doubt that I'm going to say something and there's going to be some situation where he does want to date and talking about it brings it out. It's been three months, if he wanted something to happen it would have by now. Link to comment
annie24 Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 lol, i would get drunk and jump on him. let the chips fall as they may, lol. that probably leads to a mess though. Link to comment
hers Posted August 30, 2009 Share Posted August 30, 2009 Well like you said, if it hasn't happened by now, it won't. So what's your plan of action if you think that? Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 Right now I'm thinking that I'm just deciding in my head that we are friends and I'll treat him like that. Maybe I'll change my mind, but probably not. Link to comment
Batya33 Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I tend to agree with you that putting in more effort without him stepping up to the plate in a big way is a waste of effort on your part and risks you getting more attached. You've shown more than enough interest and for whatever reason he has not returned it (and biased though I am I tend to think the reason is nothing personal about you and nothing you did wrong). Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 I'm actually becoming less attached then I was in the beginning because of the way things have turned out. I start off with my wall down and build it up if given reason to. It just got a lot higher after this weekend but it's not over my head yet haha. And thank you for being biased Link to comment
DN Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I think you have 'friendzoned' each other (to use that horrible cliché) and that he is probably as confused as you are. Link to comment
Daligal83 Posted August 31, 2009 Author Share Posted August 31, 2009 So you think I should say something? Can you tell that I keep going back and forth? haha My pride says to just forget about it. But then that part of me that likes him says to say something. Link to comment
DN Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 "Pride goeth before a stalled relationship" Yes, of course you should say something. Tell him that you are unsure if he is interested in a friendship or a romance but you would like to know which. Link to comment
JeckyllNHyde Posted August 31, 2009 Share Posted August 31, 2009 I think you should just come out and ask instead of wasting your time with him (in case he's not interested and just sees you as a friend). Doesn't seem like much fun either since he didn't want to dance, and you seem like you really wanted to. If not I'd just stop putting forth any effort with him and give myself the chance to meet other guys... Who wants a guy who doesn't even give straight signals? Has he shown any sign of interest like inviting you on dates and checking to see when you're free? Link to comment
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