tattoobunnie Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 For no real reason, other than a few short days of limited communication, I packed up items scattered around my boyfriend's home. While I don't plan to break up with him, I've been rationalizing how I should, if I truly love him or don't, thinking to myself he's going to leave me, and perhaps I should distance myself from him. He hasn't done anything wrong. My heart is still broken from my previous relationship. My head is not on straight, and its seeping into what I have now. I feel so much pressure, perhaps pressure I put on myself from words or small little tests he gives me...to be this great girlfriend; the kind that talks of the future, plans a future...with him. I use to never be afraid of marriage. I'm terrified at the prospect now. All the work you put into something, the love, the consideration, the choices made together...and in the end, the person can still so easily kick you to the curb. Chew you up and spit you out. He knows of my situation, but I know my pushing him away...it's not what he deserves...but it's all I can offer him now. Things seem fine over the past few months with me, but my ex's feeble attempts at contact brings me back to the pain and the memory of what happened. Link to comment
SapphireNoir10 Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 You have to think of yourself and him. If you love him and want to stay with him. Then stay. Get counselling, try and get better or try your hardest to fix the problems. Your right, he doesnt deserve the drama of being pushed away by someone he cares about. If you can only hurt him then maybe let him go whilst you heal. Just hope you dont loose a good guy over an ex, think about what would hurt the most. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 While I have in the past, and he was patient, I've been afraid to tell him how I've been feeling lately. I mean who wants to be with someone that admits to being damaged goods after some time. Like I don't want him to feel like he isn't good enough for me. I guess I should...? Link to comment
uhohlala Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 While I have in the past, and he was patient, I've been afraid to tell him how I've been feeling lately. I mean who wants to be with someone that admits to being damaged goods after some time. Like I don't want him to feel like he isn't good enough for me. I guess I should...? Well, I'd say yes. Look, you're human and doing the best you can -- everyone makes mistakes and unfortunately when it comes to relationships mistakes that we make affect others as well as ourselves. Maybe you shouldn't have become involved with him at all. Maybe you should be doing more/something different to heal yourself from old hurts. Whatever the problem, or its source, the fact is that you are where you are, and someone else is involved. You might be ending the relationship, or changing it. You might be hurting him. Don't compound that by acting as though you're not connected to him, that communicating with him honestly and honoring the connection the two of you share isn't important. I think what I'm trying to say is that sometimes when people try to spare their loved ones hurt by hiding potentially hurtful things from them until they're sure there's no way to avoid the hurt, what they often end up accomplishing is hurting them even more, by blindsiding them with a decision presented as a fait accompli that seems to have come from out of nowhere. Even if you don't know yet where your doubts are coming from, or what they signify, you're feeling them. If you love this guy -- or think/hope you do -- then you've got to be able to share that with him. If you don't love him, you owe it to him to be as honest as possible, right from the start. Nothing hurts more than having the rug pulled out from under you. Breakups are always painful, as are rough patches in a relationship that doesn't actually end. But I think the worst is when one partner doesn't even try to communicate with the other about what's going on -- when that happens, you've effectively, single-handedly severed the intimacy and ties between the two of you. Start a conversation with your boyfriend. Tell him you're feeling uneasy and doubtful. See what he says. See where the conversation goes. Link to comment
In the Dark Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 If you love him. Get some space but reassure him that you not going to be seeing or sleeping with others. Also make sure you are truthful about it. Don't just say it to keep him hanging on. Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 And if I open up to him, I'm scare he may run for the hills...guess that's the chance I'd have to take. And in talking to him, I wanna say something along these lines: "I know I've been behaving/doing stranger than usual things lately. I've been afraid of letting you know, cuz I don't want to burden you, that when my ex makes an attempt to contact me, it gets under my skin. I've been putting a lot of pressure on myself to get it under wraps, like it should be out of mind like yesterday's news, like it's suppose to be easy like I find jumping out of a plane easy (which is easy for me). And I can definitely say I've been working hard to get to that point. I wanna be good for you, and good to you; recently, I've have been feeling kinda bad. I have reiterated to him to stop contacting me. So I'm sorry for my little self-preservation mode tizzies. I hope you know I think the world of you. Probably tough between mid-scowl. I love you." Does it make sense? Link to comment
uhohlala Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 It totally makes sense. And you're right to worry a bit that your bf might want to back away from you if he gets a whiff of your inner turmoil; that is the risk that you take, but it's also the move that has integrity behind it. You want to work through this with your boyfriend if you can, right? That'll be possible if you let your boyfriend know what's going on. If he decides he can't deal, then he can't deal. You shouldn't make that decision for him. Your bf has nothing to do with the issues you're struggling with pertaining to your ex. But those issues do affect him. So you should always consider your bf's needs (to know the truth, to be able to make an informed decision about whether being in a relationship with you is a good bet for him right now). Hopefully he'll recognize that you're being straight with him, not making excuses for yourself, and are willing to do what you can to get over this thing with your ex (obviously the communication from the ex needs to be stopped somehow since it eats at you). If he doesn't respond well right away, let him have some time to get a grip and see if he calms down. If he just can't deal with what you tell him ... well that would say something about him. But hopefully he'll respond well and be supportive and glad that you told him about what's going on with you. If you let him in on your problem, he might be able to help you, and it might be something that brings you two closer together. More trusting, more open. Which is always good! Good luck! Link to comment
tattoobunnie Posted June 10, 2009 Author Share Posted June 10, 2009 Man, your responses melt my heart Link to comment
uhohlala Posted June 10, 2009 Share Posted June 10, 2009 Man, your responses melt my heart Ha! Well if that's a good thing then I'm glad to be of help. I really think so many problems in otherwise strong relationships stem from people failing to be fully honest with their partners, hiding stuff unnecessarily. The hiding itself can create suspicion and uneasiness. Your intentions are good, you are determined to do the best you can to address your problems, and you trust that your boyfriend is sufficiently intelligent, mature, and self-confident to not freak out about your issue with your ex. In so doing you're showing him trust and respect, you're making it clear that he's part of your inner world, not someone you hide things from. You'd want him to do the same in your shoes, I bet. Link to comment
mca1975 Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 tattoo bunnie, I beg you to open up to your boyfriend, don't shut him out. If you are honest with him,. he maybe be abl to help you or soothe away your fears and make you feel more comfortable, after all, you said that you may be pushing away because you are worried he may leave you and hurt you, so maybe he can soothe those fears away. I am honest to my boyfriend all the time about my ex. I'm quite damaged really, My ex died while we were still together and I still get upset about it sometimes, but my boyfriend reassures me and helps me through it. Hes such a good friend aswell as a boyfriend, I love him. We all question our relationships, I do all the time, but imagine life without your boyfriend, if he was to be gone. Imagine if it all ended and you didnt have him there, AND imagine him not wanting to know you - how would that make you feel, happy or sad? Link to comment
mca1975 Posted June 11, 2009 Share Posted June 11, 2009 it is astounding how past hurts can play a very real part in your current life, its scary. You are associating those with your boyfriend too much. Your boyfriend can help you with your pain. You really need to cut all contact with your ex as it will just make the hurt feel fresh every single time you hear from him. Tell him to leave you alone. I would struggle with this also, if I had an ex contacting me all the time! it would be like reliving the pain all over again. You dont need that. Link to comment
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