sirhcorg Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 I might be beating a dead horse with this one (I haven't paid attention to this topic before now). I recently broke up with a girl i was dating for about 3 months but were great friends for 2 years prior (never dating a great friend again!). I know all about her sexual past and as a friend, I laughed at it but when we became serious, it disturbed me. We were in a LDR, which put extra pressure on us. We called it quits just because the distance thing was getting hard and she wanted more time to spend with friends before moving. We still are going to see where were both at when she moves down closer to me (and start back up again if were both free) but being able to take a step back, I realized her sexual past goes against everything I believe in. I don't know her exact number (never wanted to know) but it was 40+. She lost her V-card at 14.95 ( years old, had 3 long term relationship, which she has had a history of cheating and she said she doesn't really connect feelings with sex. Myself, I lost my V-card waiting for the "right" girl at 21. My number is 7, never cheated, and need feelings to be involved. IDK why number is so important to me but it is. This leads me to my question (for men and women): is there a point where you just say "seriously? no thanks / ew / sick" when you know the others number? For me, it's 12ish if the girl is my age. Link to comment
waveseer Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Yes, there is always a point but nobody has ever reached mine. Health and safety is my concern. A discriminating lifestyle choice currently and a good test result will satisfy me far better than a number ever could. Link to comment
yellowcal Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Everyone should have a "point" in which they just say no thanks not for me but at the same time everyone is going to have a difference of opinions. But to be honest with you, if you 'equate' the number of girls you have been with since losing your virginity at 21 (around 1 year) and the number of people she has been with since losing her virginity at 14 years old (7 years) it really equals out to her sleeping with the same number of people per year that you have. So really, you can't look at someone your age who lost their virginity alot younger and judge them when you have slept with 7 people within a years time at your age. Just my opinion though. Now, the cheating part would be the biggest concern for me not the number of partners. Link to comment
Knotty Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 You might be more turned off by the history of cheating that she doesn't really connect feelings with sex, and those are legitimate reasons to not like her. The number is less important. Link to comment
gryphaeon Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 the other posters have valid points and I agree, what I would like to add would be, about integrity... everyone has a past and morally and ethically, if we are to judge people on who is the most perfect then I would guess we are all pretty much in trouble. Numbers aside, I would ask this, was her integrity sound when she was with you? Did she give you a reason to believe that she was anything but true to you, or are your hurt feelings "leading the charge" to paint her in a different light? One other thing... I personally find it a bit hypocritical when women are judged for their promiscuity and men are not. "judge not, lest ye be judged yourself" ~ Christ was a big fan of the dregs of society Link to comment
dreamwarrior Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 If anyone knew my numbers I would never get a date. Link to comment
hiphop3 Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 i think the cheating thing would be more of an issue for me...and maybe that the other person can't connect feelings with sex. i mean you can have sex and then you can make love, i would hope that a person i am with could do both. Link to comment
DropToZero Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Cheating would be the concern from the past, not the number of partners... the number of partners is subjective to each person ...then again some people think cheating is subjective, so watch yourself... Link to comment
konstantine Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Everyone has their breaking point. For me, even a couple people in their past gets to me at times, so I know 40+ is not something I can deal with. You have to know for yourself if that is something you can be OK with to continue a relationship. Link to comment
Sparkly Eyes Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 you lost your virginity at 21 and your number is 7 at 22. Does not sound to me like you have much different values than her. Other than cheating, I would not judge her if I were you! Link to comment
yellowcal Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Everyone is overlooking the point that this guy has slept with 7 people in a years time. The "values" of sex can't be THAT important to him. Link to comment
Crazyaboutdogs Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Yes, her number is high...and I can understand you being upset if you lost your virginity to one person at 21 and had one other partner since. But you have had 7 partners in the span of 1 year. You say you can't have sex without caring for the person..that means you cared for all 7 people you had sex with in the span of 1 year? How does a person have deep feelings for that many people in such a short span of time? You seem to have a double standard for your values. I am a conservative person and would not want to be with someone who has had as many partners as your gf...however, I would also be equally turned off if I learned that someone had 7 partners in one year. It doesn't matter that you lost your virginity later than her...you are certainly making up for lost time...and if you continue with 7 partners per year, in 7 years you will have 49...sounds pretty much like her 7 year success rate. Link to comment
sirhcorg Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 Catching up is exactly what happened. I felt pretty inferior to anyone for starting late and having a low number so the 7 in one year was a way to try and close the gap between me and my potential partners later in life. Doing that I do regret because, like someone else said, I look at is as making love not sex but have learned. I'm looking for a long serious relationship and in my opinion, I'm not going to achieve that with sleeping around. Thanks to everyone who posted. I really do think it's more of the whole cheating past that is what's getting to me. When I was with her, I never thought of her number but when she was gone, a whole different story. I'm trying to find a way to cope with this in general, as everyone else has stated, it's really not the number that counts but I see it in a different light (ie how committed they are to relationships and do they wait to find someone for them?) Link to comment
yellowcal Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 Catching up is exactly what happened. I felt pretty inferior to anyone for starting late and having a low number so the 7 in one year was a way to try and close the gap between me and my potential partners later in life. If you did it to 'catch up' and be like everyone else (thinking you HAD to have x amount of partners to be equal to any future partners), you in turn aren't any better than she is and have no right to judge her or anyone else based on the number of partners. I look worse at people who have had large number of partners over one small period of time than I do people who have had large numbers over a large span of time. Link to comment
sirhcorg Posted June 4, 2009 Author Share Posted June 4, 2009 If you did it to 'catch up' and be like everyone else (thinking you HAD to have x amount of partners to be equal to any future partners), you in turn aren't any better than she is and have no right to judge her or anyone else based on the number of partners. I look worse at people who have had large number of partners over one small period of time than I do people who have had large numbers over a large span of time. How do you look worse at someone with a large number over a short period of time than a person with a large period of time when, if you do the math, it equal if you multiple it. Basically you're saying you look at me worse because I had 7 in a year but if you look at other posts, if i were having sex over 7 years with 7 per year, I'd be equal to her. Therefore, you look at me worse for doing what she did for 7 years oppose to my 1 year? Link to comment
yellowcal Posted June 4, 2009 Share Posted June 4, 2009 How do you look worse at someone with a large number over a short period of time than a person with a large period of time when, if you do the math, it equal if you multiple it. Basically you're saying you look at me worse because I had 7 in a year but if you look at other posts, if i were having sex over 7 years with 7 per year, I'd be equal to her. Therefore, you look at me worse for doing what she did for 7 years oppose to my 1 year? I'd look at a person worse if they have had 7 sexual partners over a years time after losing than virginity rather than a person who has had 20 over their life span (at say 25 years old who lost their virginity at 15), I was just giving an example ... My entire point was you can't really sit here and say anything negative towards her having as many sexual partners as she has when you have had 7 in one year. Your record isn't any clearer than hers. Link to comment
Cardinal Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I am more intrigued by someone with a super high number than I am concerned. I'd like to know what it is like to be with someone who was capable of dissociating from strong sexual emotions. I'd wonder if she was really able to do that or not and if she was, how did it impact bedroom fun. Link to comment
teressa Posted June 5, 2009 Share Posted June 5, 2009 I'm a bit older but I'll put my two cents in here. I've had years in which I only slept with one person, or two. I've also had years in which I slept with a larger number of people. The times when I was with people only within relationships were the better times. Was she having sex mostly with people she wanted to date and had feelings for? Like you said, you're thinking she doesn't connect sex with feelings. Did you have serious feelings for all the people you have slept with? Did you? Seven relationships in a year would scare me off. Seven partners in a year would scare me off. How many people has she been with this year? I started early, personally. I dated a man who didn't have sex until he was 26. He had done a lot of catching up in the year before he and I started together. The fact that he had been with half as many people in a year, as I had been with in ten, bothered me a little. The math, at any rate, is irrelevant. She has a history of cheating. That's the salient point. Link to comment
Speranza Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 What's puzzling me is why you're thinking of giving it another go. WHY?! You obviously feel superior to her and poossibly have made her feel terrible about what she may see as a lot of mistakes which she can't erase just to please you. I'd be more concerned about the cheating and no feelings during sex - but I certainly wouldn't be looking to revisit it, having gone through breaking up. Leave her alone, already! Link to comment
Tw3aks Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 The biggest concern for me would be the cheating part, I couldn't and wouldn't want to date a girl who had done that, especially on more then one occasion. I also wouldn't want to be with a girl who has slept with 40 or more people. Thats a hella lot of sex and STDs maybe? Link to comment
waveseer Posted June 6, 2009 Share Posted June 6, 2009 What's puzzling me is why you're thinking of giving it another go. WHY?! You obviously feel superior to her and poossibly have made her feel terrible about what she may see as a lot of mistakes which she can't erase just to please you. I'd be more concerned about the cheating and no feelings during sex - but I certainly wouldn't be looking to revisit it, having gone through breaking up. Leave her alone, already! I agree with this. Link to comment
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