Pushing the boundaries of my trust

[annieboo]

Hi everyone,

 

I'm so happy I found this forum to get some opinions and advice. This is really what I need

 

I'm in a very fun and loving relationship with a boy for 5(!) years now. I'm 22, he's 25. It's all good, I feel like we're best friends.

 

But there's this problem that keeps occurring. I'm super jealous. Even the smallest incident get's me going inside. I know I'm jealous because I'm insecure. But I also know that my boyfriend keeps on doing these things that don't seem right.

 

Before we met, 5 years ago, my boyfriend had another love interest. They never really had something serious going on, I think she was his first crush.

During our relationship he would chat with her on msn. In the beginning I tried not to get too nosey or pushy, but after a while I would let him know I didn't like him talking to her too muvh. He said they were just friends, but promised me he would stop donig it.

 

Since then I started checking up on him. I know it's wrong, but I can't help myself! One time he met up with her whilest I was on my monthly family visit. I discovered this by checking his msn log. Reading the whole conversation I noticed him acting all a little too nice towards her. Saying things like "I've changed a lot. You should check me out" and "How do you look like nowadays?" We had a big fight about it. He never really wanted to tell me what they did that day. He accused me of being overly jealous and not respecting his privacy, which is true, but I still think I deserve some explanation.

 

Through the years I found him looking at loads of porn. I don't really mind this, he is a guy. But it's not just the olde anonymous porn, it's him actually chatting to and these * * * * ty younger girls on social streaming sites. Like Facebook, but more focused on video uploads. Dirty videos.

 

Once, I found a message log on his laptop form work, where he tells these dirty jokes to a female colleague. Joking about the size of her breasts. I ignored it.

 

What recently got me triggered is him befriending a guy he knows from way long ago, when he was only a teenager. He also befriended the friend's sister. They have been messaging and it seems she fondly recalls him and has all these great memories. Now he's messaging her he wants to meet up (together with the brother though). He doesn't message the brother anymore, all the attention goes out to her. I've looked at her profile picture and found her to be a very pretty and single girl of my age. Prettier than me I think.

What get's me all sad is that he didn't tell me about this. Also, I hate the way how he acts in these messages. He seems so different.

 

I used to trust him loads. Now I'm just an unhappy, insecure girl.

Question is, am I overreacting?

 

Thank you for reading this

Annie ^^

[EQD]

well. you have no reason to trust him.

dont turn it around and make it seem like you are the one being 'crazy'

this is the biggest defense a cheater has to avoid getting caught.

turning it back around on you so you will back off and stop asking questions.

[Mutley]

keep your eyes open.

 

Don't say ANYTHING until you got the goods on him.

 

Sometime's one has to play detective to make sure they're not being taken for a ride.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Sounds like he may not be so loyal to you. By having sexually charge discussions with people, even on the internet, he is cheating on you. I don't think you should pin your future on this guy.

[annieboo]

Sometime's one has to play detective to make sure they're not being taken for a ride.

 

Maybe I should do that.

 

Thanks for the advice

[Mutley]

Maybe I should do that.

 

Thanks for the advice

 

You're welcome.

 

Anytime.

[annieboo]

this is the biggest defense a cheater has to avoid getting caught.

turning it back around on you so you will back off and stop asking questions.

 

That is true. Wish I wasn't so in love with him. I know he loves me back, we have such a good time together. But I can't understand him doing these nasty things. I never felt like cheating and he does

 

As said, I'm going to inspect him even more now.

[EQD]

That is true. Wish I wasn't so in love with him. I know he loves me back, we have such a good time together. But I can't understand him doing these nasty things. I never felt like cheating and he does

 

As said, I'm going to inspect him even more now.

 

having a good time with someone sadly doesnt constitute the foundation for commitment.

if he is having a good time with you and sleeping with someone else (which is completely possible) then you are going to find out.

 

honestly he's thrown out alot of 'loser' flags that you have chose to actively ignore.

try not to do that in the future, it will save you alot of time.

[annieboo]

By having sexually charge discussions with people, even on the internet, he is cheating on you.

 

I cought him doing this quite early you know. If I hadn't, he would prolly still do this and give even dirtier remarks. It's just so wrong. I started hating those girls for exposing themselves as well.

 

It's al very confusing, because he envolves me a lot in his life. We don't go out seperately. We do lots of stuff together. That one time he met up with that one girl is one year ago.

 

What should I think about him trying to meet up with his old friends? He does give a lot of attention to the girl, not her brother. Is the brother just an excuse for meeting up with her?

[EQD]

i'd say thats a possibility. that way he can get away with it without you getting suspicious.

[HeartGoesOn]

I think you already have your answer. You asked him to stop doing those things, he hasn't, and he seems perfectly fine with that.

[loulee]

Since then I started checking up on him. I know it's wrong, but I can't help myself!you must be exhausted!.. i have to wonder if the chatting online started before or after your extreme jealousy, controlling nature and insecurity issues got totally out of hand.. you are creating more problems for yourself within this relationship..there does not seem to be one thing your boyfriend does that you dont check up on. I question whether he has a fantasy outlet or is simply not to be trusted?!...you say your relationship is great but in reality it is far from this.! You sound completely co dependant on your BF for your happiness, this is a huge mistake and very unhealthy and this often results when you enter a relationship with high insecurity issues,..he on the other hand sounds very passive...i dont hear you mention how you are both working on building trust..

some things to consider

While ever you behave super jealous expect your BF to lie to you. he will do this because of your high level of insecurity, distrust and jealousy..telling a lie will be an easy option..or lieing by omission....saves interrogation and hassles

2.Why is your boyfriend seeking online chatting with girls i find your post confusing here do you mean facebook or do you mean porno type sites???QUOTE him actually chatting to and these * * * * ty younger girls on social streaming sites. Like Facebook, ??? so do you mean just on facebook..????. i would hardly call facebook compromising, although it is up to you both to set your boundaries with each other regarding online chats...

you are being over controlling and while ever you do this he will withdraw and become more secretive..you have a dire need to know basically his every move..he will not like this...who would? the porn you say you dont have an issue with so its not worth the mention...overall this relationship is very unhealthy.you both do not communicate your true selves to each other or with each other.. fears are ruling you big time..I wonder if you truly love him or just think you do..when you are co dependant this is hard to see with clarity as your emotions are well over invested...have you considered that you may be suffocating him and HE does not feel valued and perhaps this other girl is his way of feeling a bit attractive and appreciated by someone else who is not so possessive, jealous and distrustful all the time...dont think I am blaming you but i think you truly need to consider the affect your behavour may be having on him , many people look outside of their relationship for an outlet when the one that they are in feels like a pressure in itself...have a think about this ..is he naturally distrustful or is he slowly learning the best way to get along is to be secretive becausee its easier than a fight or disagreement over stuff he sees as innocent..be honest about this...im not sure on this one i would be interested in his side of the story.....not enough information here overall...some communications and big changes are in order here..both of you need to look at this..

[mikem]

He isn't trustworthy. Dump him!