Please don't be shocked: emotional affair w brother in law.

[paulina]

Hello, I don't know where to post this really, but since I am married and have been married a long time, I thought I'd post this here.

 

I would like your honest opinion, this is what I am here for, but please, don't be overly blunt or hard because I really am feeling like s*** right now and this is no teenage infatuation.

 

The background: I have known my brother in law, who is my husband's brother, ever since I started dating my husband, and that was looong ago; We have always been good friends and that was that.

Over the years though, the friendship became something different.

Some 10 or 12 years ago (that's when his marriage started going downhill) he took to flirting with me all the time, but always when people were around, never when we were alone.

He was shy around me when we were alone. But when we were with others, he would kiss me, hug me, hold my hand, shower me with compliments so much he made me blush like mad; it was full blown flirting if you ask me but I guess since he is my brother in law, people simply took it for brotherly affection.

 

Fast forward to 2 or 3 years ago: I realised I started having feelings for him. And not brotherly feelings: I was in love.

I tried to stay away as much as I could but got pulled right back in due to a situation that would be too long to explain.

 

A few months ago, I had to leave in the middle of a family party because I could not stop crying and i knew I had to do something about this. I was in a state where it would have become obvious to anyone that I was in love with him and husband was starting to ask what was wrong.

Following day I asked my brother in law via sms could we please talk for a minute? I wanted to ask him could he please cooperate (stop flirting, understand if I stayed away from the family as much as I could, understand that there was nothing wrong with me but I needed to reclaim my peace of mind. Depression was hitting hard).

 

To make along story short, that day I tried to talk to him several times and he never took my call.

I may be wrong but I think he simply shunned me. I believe he realised he had contributed to something that was not entirely pleasant, that the game had gone too far and, out of loyalty to his brother, he thought it was his duty to avoid me. I think he got scared of what I could say to him.

 

Anyway, since I was unable to talk to him, I decided I would do what I had to do anyway and distance myself from him, with or without his help. I simply stopped all contact.

 

I do not talk to him, do not look at him. Like he does not exist any more. The only way I can be around him without making my feelings obvious is if I avoid all contact.

 

He tried to get me to talk to him again at first; he was playful; looked at me all the time; smiled, tried to get me to acknowledge him.

Like nothing had happened.

 

But I can see he is mad at me now, possibly because he does not understand my reaction but what I think is that yes, he was very loyal to his brother, but as a brother in law and as a friend he totally sucked and totally let down someone he'd known for ages and who needed his help at that moment.

I desperately needed to talk to him, explain to him that his flirting may have been innocent but that I could not take it any longer, that I did not want to hurt my husband and that I felt very, very ashamed of myself for feeling what I feel for my brother in law.

Apparently, he did not want to hear any of it.

 

Now, we don't speak to each other. Family have not picked up on this but we simply avoid each other like the plague.

I cought him looking at me the other day and there was hurt and anger in his eyes and it made me very, very sad.

 

But I cannot get over this feeling that, ok, I am not his sister, I am not blood related to him, but when I needed him the most he simply would not want to know. If he avoided me that day, what does he want with me now?

 

Am I wrong ? Am I doing this all wrong ? I have been in therapy and it does not help.

I feel like I wanted to solve this situation and only managed to make the mess worse.

[Mavh25]

I really thought you were going to end this thread saying that you want to try and mend your marriage but you don't really mention that..

 

I think you're right about why he did'nt take your call, he knew what you could possibly say and it had all gone too far. It seems as though he does'nt feel for you what you feel for him. Even if he did, what then?

 

Would you leave your husband for him? destroy and turn a family against eachother?

 

You know the situation is wrong, you should'nt be upset that he was'nt there for you to take your call, he is'nt your husband and does'nt want the responsibility...

 

So what now? there was obviously something lacking in your marriage you need to get back. I am not going to say leave your husband, but maybe get to talks with him, tell him you're not happy and atleast give you and him a fighting chance to make this work. If the brother in law is in the picture then it won't, but even if he is'nt there is still something wrong in your marriage.

[Capricorn3]

I think the best thing you two can do is avoid each other "like the plague", as you say. Of course, it has to be in such a way so that the rest of the family don't notice anything strange.

 

Yes, it IS wrong, on both counts. Try to imagine how your husband would feel if he ever found out about this? Knowing that his own brother and his wife are getting a little too close for comfort? Sure, it's only flirting at this stage, but given half the encouragement, you know where it will (or could) lead to.

 

Seeing as he's avoiding getting in touch with you to discuss this, I suggest you take his lead and avoid him too. Nothing can be gained from this, but everything can be lost from it.

[lavenderdove]

If you feel a strong attraction for him, expecting him to 'comfort' you would only have led to more attachment and a worse situation. You need to break the emotional bond with him, not strenghten it, and I think he was well aware of that and hence avoided you.

 

Also, if he has a conversation with you where you tell him you love him etc., that puts him in a very awkward position of whether he should tell his brother or not that his wife is being disloyal and dandling after his own brother.

 

The person here you should be focusing on is your husband, and making a commitment to either strengthen the marriage and turn your attention back to him, or recognize that you can't make it work with your husband and move towards divorce. Your emotions and thoughts should not be focused on the brother in law, but on your own marriage.

 

You need to recognize the situation with the brother in law won't go anywhere, so best to get past it as quickly as possible. Even if you divorced, i seriously doubt he'd take up with you since he is close to his brother. You also might have taken generalized flirting/friendliness for something he did not intend at all, and he has no interest in you. Best to recognize that, and just deal with your marriage, and what you are going to do about that.

[js02912]

I don't mean to downplay your situation, but you should consider yourself lucky. I know the terrible feelings you have suggest otherwise, but just think, it could be so much worse. You could have acted on your feelings. It could have turned physical and resulted in a full blown affair. You could have turned brother against brother and destroyed not only your family but your husband's as well. The fact of the matter is you pulled in the reins before it was too late.

 

I guess some would argue that if you're having an emotional affair with him, it's already too late. Yes and no. It's too late for you to leave this situation unscathed, but it's not too late for everyone else involved. I have no doubt you have a tough road ahead, and it's hard to pull away from someone you love. He may be angry, but in the end, you have to see that your decision to avoid him is for the best for him as well.

[Mutley]

Yea, I think this is turning out great myself. Luckily no lines were crossed. Avoiding each other is the best medicine here.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

Some 10 or 12 years ago (that's when his marriage started going downhill) he took to flirting with me all the time, but always when people were around, never when we were alone.

He was shy around me when we were alone. But when we were with others, he would kiss me, hug me, hold my hand, shower me with compliments so much he made me blush like mad; it was full blown flirting if you ask me but I guess since he is my brother in law, people simply took it for brotherly affection.

 

I wouldn't totally fault the OP. The brother-in-law is a snake. If he was TRULY loyal to his brother he would not have overtly flirted in the first place. He turned on the charm knowing FULL well what effect it would have. His marriage was sour so he thought he would meddle in his brother's marriage...do just enough to cause damage but make it look sooooo innocent so that nobody would really catch on. He was being manipulative and deceptive. I have to wonder if he has "inncoently flirted" with other women which was the cause of his marriage breakdown. If he was a non-married man, people would have called him a player..get the woman interested and then do an about face and ignore. The OP fell into the trap.

 

Paulina, how is your marriage? Does your husband treat you well? I think you need to take a long look at yourself and your marriage to see why you ended up falling for this slick charmer brother-in-law. What is lacking in your marriage..what can you and your husband work on to re-connect. Forget about your brother-in-law...he achieved his goal and I am sure he will move on to the next one. He is not loyal to his brother at all and he is not a nice man at all.

[becca0194]

Your brother in law is not as loyal to his brother as you state. If that was the case, he would not have acted towards you the way he did. You don't flirt and do all the things he did, to your brothers wife. I doubt your husband would look at that as loyal.

 

I think you need to look at your marriage and see if there are things you can do to make it solid again. If there is, do them and put your focus on that.

[becca0194]

I also wanted to say that it doesn't matter if your BIL is angry with you or what he is feeling. You are hurting and need to take care of you right now. He played his hand in this. Good luck.

[Capricorn3]

I wouldn't totally fault the OP. The brother-in-law is a snake. If he was TRULY loyal to his brother he would not have overtly flirted in the first place.

I totally agree with the above!! I definitely don't put all the blame/fault on the OP. Not at all. It's very unfortunate that she got caught up with this guy's flirting. Thankfully, it didn't go all the way, which could so easily have happened.

 

Pauline, put all your focus on your marriage and your husband. If you are having marital problems, perhaps marriage counselling will help.

[lostandhurt]

Just because your brother in law flirted in front of people and never in priivate does not make it okay. He has caused problems for the whole family. These are not the actions of a true brother or a man for that matter. At least he is trying to do the right thing now.

As for you this seems like a crush/fantasy and since it is one sided it is not real. I suggest you google marriage building or something like that and look into marriage counseling to figure out why you are looking to someone else instead of your husband.

 

This has wrong written all over it. The fact is that talking to him won't make this any better. He crossed a line and so did you. There is no good that will come from any of this. Only anguish and pain for the whole family.

 

Focus your attention on the man that is your husband and work with him to make a better/stronger marriage.

 

Lost

[js02912]

Paulina,

 

I hope you didn't think I was trying to place all the fault with you with my post. That was not my intent. If anything, I wasn't try to place blame on anyone. It's too late for that now. You have to decide and figure out what to do going forward.

 

My only point is that if you have feelings for this person, but still know it's wrong, then you still have a chance to turn back. The fact that you're questioning any of this is an encouraging sign. You haven't let your feelings go out of control, and you still have the ability to rationalize the situation without being overwhelmed by your emotions.

 

I won't go into detail about my situation, but suffices to say, it has some similarities. As you can probably guess, I did let it go too far. I think, like you, I was too naive to realize what was happening until it was too late. I had developed feelings for her, and those feelings turned into something I had no business entertaining. Again, I don't mean to minimize what you're going through, but if you think you're confused about the situation and are in pain now, it's 100 times worse if you let this continue.

 

It took guts to post what you posted, and if you're looking for support, I think you'll find it here. I really feel for you and what you're going through. Stay strong.

[Circe]

Gosh, what an awful situation to be in. I know there's no point saying this in rhetrospect now, but they do say that exposing your feelings to the person (when you are already in a relationship with another person) is the worst thing you can do if you really want to prevent an inappropriate relationship forming. It's a bit like signalling "this is how I feel, feel free to come and take advantage" - do you know what I mean?

 

Anyway I can understand why all the attention he lavished on you may have been confusing and his reaction to your plea for help would only have made things even more confusing (and thus kept him in your mind far more frequently than he should have been there), but it really is just a matter of staying away from him until the feelings subside.

 

And if there are issues with your marriage, use this as an opportunity to work on them?

 

I think brothers have a complicated relationship. As an only child myself I really don't get it very well. My H's brother, I know, loves H to death. And my H just adores his bro. But H grew up being told, and thinking, that he had all the smarts, whereas his bro was the good looking, charming one. He's asked me in the past if I thought his bro was good looking. As it turns out - I actually don't think he's better looking than H. I told him that (and he knows me well enough to know I'm ruthlessly honest - lol - not that I'd ever have fed his insecurity in this situation or make him feel bad on purpose) and he looked relieved. His bro also compliments me (in a polite, brotherly way) and sometimes, walks around the house topless. H says he only does it when I'm around and I know it annoys H. I think it boils down to, the tiniest streak of competitiveness in H's bro - and a fair bit of insecurity in my H (which strangely enough, he never feels towards other men). It's all just weird. I put it down to my inability to really relate to the brother-brother relationship.

 

I'm sure your BIL is not a terrible person. If he'd wanted to start something with you I would have thought he'd take advantage of your being open about your feelings. That said you obviously cannot trust him in the circumstances. So I'd say, don't even try to understand it - just do what you ahve to do - stay away.

[paulina]

Thank you everybody,

Each of your replies has given me food for thought. I have taken this one day at a time; sometimes when I see him I think I am back at square one and feel still desperately in love and attracted; some days are better than others.

Indigo777, you are right about him not being a bad person. And you hit the nail on the head about the competitiveness, which is something I don't get either.

 

I also agree with other posters who said this is not exactly how a guy should behave with his brother's wife. I am a huge flirt myself and am not without guilt either.

The relationship with my husband is the relationship of 2 people in a good marriage of 20+ years. Basically good and sound, but you know... My priority here is not to hurt him and that is what I am trying to do in my own little clumsy way.

 

I feel this was a huge ego booster for brother in law and that he needed an ego booster.

He needs to think long and hard about his own marriage.

I have seen married men in * * * * ty marriages putting their marriages on life support in the way he did: they fool themselves into thinking flirting is innocent and not not like cheating; and they are right to a certain extent, but by playing with fire you may eventually get burnt. I have seen many a marriage end this way.

Of course, this applies to me too.

 

I think brother in law thought I was "safe" and could not understand that being his sister in love does not make me any less a woman in flesh and blood.

I think somewhere down the line he realised the game had gone too far, got scared and pretended it had nothing to do with him.

And although I don't get his reaction now (I mean, he should be somewhat relieved and trying to keep his distance), your replies have confirmed that - as I thought - this is the only course I can take.

I would have liked to be able to keep the friendship but apparently it cannot be; not right now at least.

In time, maybe, we'll be friends again.

 

Thank you all very much for your help.

Take care and have a great day everyone

 

Paulina