Okay, I'm probably overreacting, but do I have ANY reason to be annoyed with him? This is Long...

[Aeryn]

Alright ENA- I have been talking to this guy, who goes to my university, for about a month now.

 

He had been asking me to go out and get coffee or something with him for about a week, but I said "no" each time he asked because I had finals going on. When finals were over, he asked again, and I agreed, so we had our first "date" last Monday. He sent me a text shortly after our date was over saying what a great time he had, etc.

 

Two days later, on Wednesday, he invited himself to go shopping at the mall with me. I wasn't expecting him to do this, so I just kind of told him whatever, if he wanted to. We had a good time for about two hours--shopping and goofing around. Towards the middle of this "date" he began walking with his arm around my back and everything. Anyways...the day was fine.

 

He has sent me texts everyday since Wednesday (I haven't seen him--he left on Thursday, and will be back on Sunday night, since he's in the Army National Guard).

 

The part that gets to me...I was out shopping today, and he sends me a text saying how he wishes I were there with him, that time spent with me is great, and all that. He also talks about how he has all this free time next week and stuff. So I thought, alright, if he has so much time, lets just get together sometime next week. Yeah...so I told him we should get together for lunch or something next week during that free time he has. And his response, "I'll keep that in mind"

 

There was nothing wrong with his response...it's just how everything went down. He's talking about having all this free time, wanting to see me, etc. And then when I ASK if he wants to get together...he can't even give a simple "yes" or "no" answer. It's not that hard to say, "Yeah, sure, we can do that during a time I have available" or "No, I don't want to meet up with you"

 

It just kind of pisses me off when a guy acts like that.

 

Anyways, after his "I'll keep that in mind" response, this was the convo after that:

Me: Right. Well, whatever then.

Him: Hey, you're not allowed to talk/act like that

Me: Excuse me? I can talk and act however I want, don't assume you can tell me what I can and cannot do.

Him: It was a joke. And for the last time, I'm not controlling.

 

I haven't replied back yet. I really just want to tell him to get back in touch with me whenever he knows what he wants and stuff. One minute he says he wants to go out with me and all, the next minute he's acting like he doesn't. Plus...he hates talking on the phone. All he ever does is text. I'm getting tired of texting all the time.

 

And I told him straight off where I stand on things. He knows I don't let men control me, he knows I'm not "easy" and all that. So...I don't know.

 

 

EDIT He is 25 years old. We get along fine, other than this nonsense.

[Vince99]

He was either joking around or trying not to sound too anxious. Your "right, whatever then" response was ill advised.

 

This is why texting is so inadvisable.

 

Only thing is the "for the last time I'm not controlling" part. Have you accused him of being controlling before? Why?

[Aeryn]

He was either joking around or trying not to sound too anxious. Your "right, whatever then" response was ill advised.

 

This is why texting is so inadvisable.

 

Only thing is the "for the last time I'm not controlling" part. Have you accused him of being controlling before? Why?

 

I have told him I don't like controlling people, and he has said in response that he's not controlling. Also, a few days ago he sent me a text message and told me to, "How about you get on AIM and talk there" and I told him, "How about you ASK me if I will, and don't try telling me to do so"

 

I agree--texting should be kept to a minimum contact. I don't mind it, but not when I'm actually having a conversation. He doesn't like talking on the phone though. I don't either, but if it's someone I'm supposedly "interested" in, then I'd rather talk on the phone.

 

And I agree, I probably shouldn't have phrased it so much as "Whatever then"...but then again, I will NEVER try to be someone I'm not in the early stages of dating. I don't care how much I like the guy...I will be myself FULLY...and he will either accept it fully, or not.

[Aeryn]

No offense but you need to seriously lighten up and not be so defensive about the "controlling" thing. That text about "you not allowed to say wahtever" was him flirting with you in case you didn't figure that out.

i agree with ^^^^ above me - texting is too easy to misinterpret.

 

however, what's with the whole arm around you while shopping routine? I'd be all "keep your arms to yourself buster" but that's just me. This guy does sound over eager.

 

Well, another thing he mentioned to me last night, and I'm wondering if it's an early "red flag"... He said that when he has a girlfriend, he likes her all to himself, and gets overly jealous when he sees her hanging out with other guys. However, he IS and should be allowed to hang out with female friends. Uhh...

 

I admire him for speaking up and telling the truth about that. However, most of my friends are guys, sooo...

[annie24]

i agree, i think he was just joking around. this guy obviously likes you a lot. and when you suggested lunch and he said, 'i'll keep it in mind,' sounds like he was trying to be sort of flirtatious and goofy.

 

that's the problem with text messaging - things get misinterpreted - you can't see facial expressions or tones of voice. an example i heard is say that your boyfriend took you out to some really expensive french restaurant for dinner. the next day you text him and say, 'wow - that was a really LAME restaurant you took me to last night.' if you say it through text, he might get offended! if you call him or tell him in person, and he hears the sarcasm in your voice, he'll get the joke.

 

i think you should lighten up on the guy and just go and have fun with him.

[gidget1]

I think that because you don't know him well, you don't understand the way he speaks, especially in text message form.

I don't believe him saying "How bout you go on AIM" is him trying to TELL you what to do, it's merely his way of asking "how about we talk on aim where it's easier?". You read into what he says as controlling when he isn't at all, he's probably just being himself, and you not wanting to have anything to do with someone that's controlling is reading him the wrong way. I think you just need to lighten up..

[itsallgrand]

Do you even like this guy? Honest question.

 

He's sort of squeezed himself in there, and he's already getting on your nerves, so..?

[Aeryn]

I got a laugh at the French restaurant thing.

 

I know this is no excuse, but...from past experiences (both in my own personal relationships, as well as in family history) I have learned to keep my guard up. I just don't trust men easily, if at all. My ex...it took me a LONG time to ever trust him, and I'm not even sure if I ever FULLY trusted him in the two years we were together.

[Vince99]

Also, a few days ago he sent me a text message and told me to, "How about you get on AIM and talk there" and I told him, "How about you ASK me if I will, and don't try telling me to do so"

 

He's just kidding around.

 

Well, another thing he mentioned to me last night, and I'm wondering if it's an early "red flag"... He said that when he has a girlfriend, he likes her all to himself, and gets overly jealous when he sees her hanging out with other guys. However, he IS and should be allowed to hang out with female friends. Uhh...

 

That's probably no good though. Sounds pretty immature. I'd throw in the towel on this one. Started out too rocky anyway.

[savignon]

I think if you're secure enough to say a guy can take you or leave you the way you are and he's confident/entilted enough to say that his girlfriend can't hang w/ guy friends but he can hang w/ girl friends.....it'll just be a matter of if you can take each other the way you are. Sounds like you might both be willing to walk when you don't get what you want, though, and that can do more harm than good, of course, as you can imagine.

[Aeryn]

Do you even like this guy? Honest question.

 

He's sort of squeezed himself in there, and he's already getting on your nerves, so..?

 

If I knew how to distinguish between his "jokes" and his "seriousness" then I may not be so upset. Like I said, he wont call. He just texts...

 

Anyways, yeah, I do like the guy. But I'm not gonna put myself out there like, "I like you so much, I want to go out with you! Please don't turn me down!!"

 

Ugh. No. I asked him, he knows I'm interested. If HE is interested, then he should give a reasonable response...

[annie24]

yeah, texting leads to miscommunications. i dunno - i might just give him a call yourself in a day or two and set up a time to meet for lunch. that is, if you are interested in him!

 

i think that the jealousy thing is not too bad. (but then again, that may just be me.) i think a little bit of jealousy is kind of cute. but if your boyfriend doesn't care at all that you have a ton of close friends who hang out and call you all the time and they don't have girlfriends, then that's a red flag too that your bf doesn't care all that much about you! too much jealousy is dangerous and creepy. but a tiny bit of jealousy is cute, i think. (like my one ex-bf who got a bit jealous when i told him i went to 'ben and jerry's' that day. he asked how those guys were doing. i laughed and explained it was an ice cream shop!)

[agent1607307371]

Well, another thing he mentioned to me last night, and I'm wondering if it's an early "red flag"... He said that when he has a girlfriend, he likes her all to himself, and gets overly jealous when he sees her hanging out with other guys. However, he IS and should be allowed to hang out with female friends. Uhh...

 

Double standard. Red flag. Pass.

 

Unless, of course, this was another of his attempts at humour. (And I say attempt, because like flirting, if the other person doesn't get it, it's not working.)

[itsallgrand]

It sounds to me like he enjoys stirring the pot.

 

Not to sound like Ms. Suspicious, but if you have strong emotional reactions (even if there are negative) at least you are thinking about him while he is gone and detached in text-land.

 

See if he can follow through with some consistent action: that's not too much to ask, and if you are seeing each other some of that needs to be face-time anyways.

 

I don't know. I find the whole thing a little "off" but can't exactly pin it. He's determined but the impression seems to be he is sort of detached too - not good, in my experience.

[DN]

I think that for someone who blew him off for dates and then was less than enthusiastic when he invited himself to go shopping for you, you seem to be a little hyper-critical of his actions. He must have been very interested to have still shown interest after that - although perhaps after this incident that interest will have ended since most people will have been taken aback at such an over the top reaction to what he said.

[RipTideRush]

Seriously, this guy is not controlling.

 

Your jumping down his throat because he dosent sound like : "Well I was thinking, maybe, it would be cool, do you think you can download AIM so it would easier to talk?"

 

I would say you have issue's that need to be sorted out before you enter a relationship with this guy.

[Aeryn]

I think that for someone who blew him off for dates and then was less than enthusiastic when he invited himself to go shopping for you, you seem to be a little hyper-critical of his actions. He must have been very interested to have still shown interest after that - although perhaps after this incident that interest will have ended since most people will have been taken aback at such an over the top reaction to what he said.

 

Like I said, the only reason I turned them down was because I had finals that week. I needed to study up for those.

 

But if the "interest" ends--if there ever was any--so be it.

[DN]

I understand about the finals but it just seems you weren't exactly encouraging. You said he asked several times over a week and you said 'no'. If you had been interested why didn't you suggest a specific day after you were done - why did he have to keep asking? And from your reaction now it would seem you still don't have much interest.

[Aeryn]

I understand about the finals but it just seems you weren't exactly encouraging. You said he asked several times over a week and you said 'no'. If you had been interested why didn't you suggest a specific day after you were done - why did he have to keep asking? And from your reaction now it would seem you still don't have much interest.

 

I do. But to me, he doesn't seem to have much of an interest. Maybe that's where the text message misinterpretation comes in?

 

I'm not gonna go overboard and make myself seem too eager, or overly interested, in someone who doesn't seem too interested.

 

But like you said--there's probably no interest after tonight. So it's probably best left at that.

[Clarity]

I know this is no excuse, but...from past experiences (both in my own personal relationships, as well as in family history) I have learned to keep my guard up. I just don't trust men easily, if at all. My ex...it took me a LONG time to ever trust him, and I'm not even sure if I ever FULLY trusted him in the two years we were together.

 

The best advice, or words of wisdom if you will, on this type of attitude is what I was told by my current GF when we started dating and had talked about our pasts - I had just expressed some trust issues from my past.

 

I don't remember her exact words, but she said something like: "Clarity, we've all been hurt in the past."

 

It seems so simple, so obvious, but it's so true. At a certain point in time, everyone's trust has been broken, everyone has been hurt by someone they cared about. The worst thing we can do is let that change how we treat the new people in our lives. I think that's what she was trying to say to me in not so many words - "I am not any of your ex-girlfriends - I am me - give me a chance.".

 

If you like this guy, give him a chance.

 

Just my opinion, but it sounds like you're not that into him, given all the "reasons" you've come up with to keep him at a distance.

[Aeryn]

That's the thing-I am into him. I was/am willing to give him a chance.

 

But like I said-doesn't really matter now. Not expecting to hear from him, which is perfectly fine.

[Clarity]

That's the thing-I am into him. I was/am willing to give him a chance.

 

But like I said-doesn't really matter now. Not expecting to hear from him, which is perfectly fine.

 

My advice wasn't really for this guy, but just in general. Don't let your past rule your future. Everyone has been hurt - no one is unique in that regard.