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I'm confused and need a shoulder to cry on...


SoSick

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I am so confused about my relationship. I love my boyfriend, but lately he has been doing some things I don't really like. I've told him the way I felt about some of the things, but he doesn't seem to understand where I'm coming from. He smokes weed daily, hangs out with his friends until 3, 4, 5 in the morning and he is starting to lie to me about little things. I'm not saying I'm perfect, because I'm not, but I am just really uncomfortable with these things. When I say something about it, he tells me im nagging, b*tching, and being annoying about it. I didn't think I was.

 

We had agreed to not have friends of the opposite sex without meeting them and getting a feel for them. I find out he has a girl's number from his job, and they are texting and calling each other all the time. He called her last night around 3:30AM, but she didn't pick up the phone. I called the girl and talked to her, and she assured me that they are just friends, and she doesn't know why he wouldn't tell me about them being friends. He even had her name saved as his step mom's name. I found this out by looking through his phone(I know it wasn't right). The only reason why I looked through his phone is because he was just being too sneaky about things. He would keep it on silent or vibrate or always hide it, but he would get mad if I were to do the same thing. I have NEVER gone through his phone. EVER. I feel bad for doing it, but I found out he was lying to me. He has turned it around on me, and made me feel bad for him wanting to talk to her. I don't have a problem with them talking, it's just the way he handled the situation. I'm just so confused now. He got so mad this morning about it, that he wants to break up with me. He says he's fed up with everything, but honestly I don't see WHAT he's talking about. I don't understand because I don't treat him the way he's treating me.

 

I forgot to say earlier in my post that we live together, if that helps any.

 

I guess I'm just looking for someone to help me feel better. I keep crying because I feel lost. I feel like my heart has been torn up. Thanks to everyone who reads this.

 

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Hes acting like hes single. And hes not. Why did he need to call her at 3.30am. There is something going on here and hes completely disrespecting you. You need to put your foot down and leave him if you have too. You could try speaking to him but DONT let him make it your fault.

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He said he called her because he wanted her to look at the schedule and tell him if he worked today or not. I asked him why didn't he call their store phone, and he said he doesn't know that number, which he doesn't.

 

He does try to make it my fault.

 

Example:

me: why are you calling other females without letting me know like we said we would?

 

him: why are you going swimming with guys?

 

me: D, the guy is gay, and it wasn't just me and him. It was me, my bestfriend and him that went swimming. (he KNEW i was going swimming with him for Christ's sake!)

 

him: well how you gon have the nerve to question me and you are swimming with guys??!

 

me: D, you knew I was going swimming, and you didn't have a problem with it then. Why are you turning this around me?

 

him: I don't even want to talk about it *walks outside*

 

That's how it goes. He feels like we are arguing when I ask him something like that, when we're not! I was just asking. I wasn't being nasty or rude or anything!

 

A few of my friends said the same thing about putting my foot down, but it's so hard to do when you love someone. I know it may sound crazy, but I hate being mean. Even though he's clearly disrespecting me, I just can't seem to be firm with him, because I'm scared I'm going to hurt HIS feelings! How crazy is that??

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The reason he is being sneaky and telling lies probably has to do with him being afraid you'll nag him if he tells the truth. The whole relationship seems pretty restrictive for him: you can't have opposite sex friends without the other meeting them, you complain about his weed habits and hanging out late with his friends, etc. He probably thinks that it's easier to sneak around than go through the whole process of making sure you approve of his female friends. Try giving him a bit more freedom. Let him have female friends and smoke with his buddies until late at night. If this is something you're very against, than break up with him and find someone whose lifestyle is more compatible with yours. If you keep trying to change his habits, you'll only annoy him and push him away.

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The reason he is being sneaky and telling lies probably has to do with him being afraid you'll nag him if he tells the truth. The whole relationship seems pretty restrictive for him: you can't have opposite sex friends without the other meeting them, you complain about his weed habits and hanging out late with his friends, etc. He probably thinks that it's easier to sneak around than go through the whole process of making sure you approve of his female friends. Try giving him a bit more freedom. Let him have female friends and smoke with his buddies until late at night. If this is something you're very against, than break up with him and find someone whose lifestyle is more compatible with yours. If you keep trying to change his habits, you'll only annoy him and push him away.

 

You know what though? I tried that stuff!!! I swear I did! And i know it looks restrictive for him, but we agreed on that for both of us. He doesn't want me to have male friends, but he wants to be able to have female friends. I don't think it's fair for it to be that way? I admit, I did complain about the weed, because he was smoking everyday, and he was only working 2 days a week and was not making an effort to look for another job. I was paying 90% of the bills while he went outside and smoked and played cards . So yea I did complain about that, but since he has his hours back at work, I don't care. I told him I don't care. I'm not a smoker, so that's not my thing, but I don't think he has to think exactly like me you know?

About hanging out late at night, he does this almost every friggin night!! But when I want to go hang out with my friends late, he gets an attitude with me. When he hangs out late at night, I swear I don't get mad. I get frustrated when he has a problem with me hanging with my friends, when I don't mind him hanging with his. It's like it's a double standard. He can do what he wants, but I can't do what I want. Gah- it's confusing!!

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I have a problem with him lying to you, whether or not the relationship is "restricting." He agreed to it with you so there's no reason for him to be acting like a 15 year old. I wouldn't put up with that and would dump him because ... lying is just so wrong in relationships. But I understand it's easier for me to say that and harder for you to actually do it.

 

That you even felt compelled to go through his phone is a bad thing IMO. He's obviously not interested in working WITH you on it, instead he's just creating conflict.

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