Have a gf, but I also want to have some fun....

[Capricorn3]

there is I believe a SINGLE girl at the office that's way more attractive than my gf that I just asked out to see a movie with me.

In the back of my mind I'd like to have mad animalistic sex with her.

 

She is sending money for me to buy a plane ticket for her to come down for the summer.

Please do your girlfriend a BIG favour and tell her about the "single more attractive girl who you'd like to have mad animalistic sex with" BEFORE she sends you money for a plane ticket.

 

I'm sure she'd be thrilled to hear about it and can save herself a lot of money.

[Luke Skywalker]

It's still cheating if the woman's single and you aren't

 

Talking to a woman at the office over coffee is not cheating, it is socializing. Asking her out on a date may cross the line. If we actually do go out to the movies and I pay for her (and myself) -- while my girlfriend would usually pay for me on similar dates, then that would be cheating and it would also be grossly unfair. If I don't follow-up then I don't think there is any cheating.

 

Well, power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely, let's see how far down this rabbit's hole this is going to go and how far these resolutions will stand.

 

The only CONSTRUCTIVE advice I got on this thread pertains specifically to whether or not I'm honouring my own resolution or commitment with myself concerning this girl. I can keep in line with respect to that commitment since for whatever reason, I made it. However, if I feel that my girlfriend is really that gullible or naive or simple, then I have to reconsider the premises of that resolution in the first place and evaluate if I really want a relationship with her rather than think of just taking advantage of it and stringing her along while looking out for someone I really like.

[Kantriakhor]

I do not longer find your postings on here to be helpful since you are coming from an angle that's sort of berating. If I were to listen to your advice, i'd probably just say, **** it, there are worst cases of infidelity on here, I'm getting this crap here for trying to be straight, let me go all the way because according to your logic, there is really nothing to lose. Fly a kite.

 

My advice is let her find someone who deserves her, will love her, and won't try to play such games or refer to her as "simple". She deserves to be happy and be with someone who wants to be with her, sees her as the most beautiful girl in the world, sees her as smart in her own fields of expertise. You aren't any of these things and be it incompatibility or your trend of recent threads, but this relationship doesn't have much going for it for either of you:

 

You see her as simple and even said she borders on "retarded", want to date other women and creating facsimiles of circumstances to make it okay. Do you love her? Cherish her? See her as beautiful? See her as intelligent (even if only in her fields of knowledge)? See your life with her as being the best it can possibly get not because one is settling but because they fit you wholly?

 

If you can't answer yes to all of these questions then regardless of any reason one may have, she's not the one for you. Let her go and let her live her life possibly with someone who can answer yes to all of those questions with full honesty without needing 3 diaries and a skewed version of morals to make things seem okay.

 

Maybe you're not ready to settle down, so to speak, and that's okay. Some mature in that department faster than others and if that's the case then you're perfectly normal and some may argue healthy but to encase it in triple-blind schemes, resolutions and codes that you alter at will, and try to put things into a rationale that's merely rationalization on rationalization is lying, not only to us, not only to your girlfriend, but also to yourself.

[Miss Firecracker]

Luke, it isn't your responsibility if your girlfriend goes insane. You need to realize that. You have not had sex with her, you are hardly ever even with her at all. So why don't you just let her go before this goes too far?

[Luke Skywalker]

My advice is let her find someone who deserves her, will love her, and won't try to play such games or refer to her as "simple". She deserves to be happy and be with someone who wants to be with her, sees her as the most beautiful girl in the world, sees her as smart in her own fields of expertise. You aren't any of these things and be it incompatibility or your trend of recent threads, but this relationship doesn't have much going for it for either of you:

 

She wont find anyone in North Manitoba where she is now and she doesn't have the types of looks that guys are going to be rushing after her, but will likely just use her for sex while doing what they want to do. All her past relationships have been bad.

 

 

You see her as simple and even said she borders on "retarded", want to date other women and creating facsimiles of circumstances to make it okay. Do you love her? Cherish her? See her as beautiful? See her as intelligent (even if only in her fields of knowledge)? See your life with her as being the best it can possibly get not because one is settling but because they fit you wholly?

 

Well, I see her as intelligent in her fields of knowledge and she appears to have emotional intelligence as well and gets it most of the time when I'm communicating to her. I see her as beautiful - as in a comfortable sort of way rather than a hot way. I don't know if I love her since I really haven't known her for that long. I think she fits wholly into my life. There answered yes to all of your questions. What is your point?

 

If you can't answer yes to all of these questions then regardless of any reason one may have, she's not the one for you. Let her go and let her live her life possibly with someone who can answer yes to all of those questions with full honesty without needing 3 diaries and a skewed version of morals to make things seem okay.

 

I don't think your fairy tale world is realistic since lots of cases are on here where people do settle or don't find their ideal mate and other factors are involved that don't make this a black and white sort of world.

 

In older ages, people married people for many other reasons other than "romantic love" and those marriages stook together better than this fickle Hollywood romance love that comes and goes a few years into the marriage.

 

I do not believe a relationship commitment has to be even based on romantic love because simply, this is not a hollywood romance movie. If you like that sort of stuff, then there are plenty of those movies around where everybody meets the right people and live happily ever after. I don't buy that.

 

I never said I'm settling with this girl. Maybe she fits the bill perfectly and I want her as a serious partner, because realistically, this is all I can attract into my life in a serious relationship sort of way. If I'm not happy with her looks then I have to concede that beggars can't be choosers and I can't really attract allot of girls into my life to have a great choice of who I'm most compatable with or want to be with, but have to deal with whoever I can deal with on a case by case basis.

[Luke Skywalker]

Luke, it isn't your responsibility if your girlfriend goes insane. You need to realize that. You have not had sex with her, you are hardly ever even with her at all. So why don't you just let her go before this goes too far?

 

I think it already has gone too far. It's almost getting like a bad joke.

[Luke Skywalker]

I'm thinking of deleting the Resolution of April 2nd now.

 

The reason is, after making this thread and reviewing the posts, perhaps I don't have the right type of respect to my girlfriend and will always 'feel' like I can get away with stuff with her as long as I pay her lip-service and tell her what she wants to hear. That "feeling" or "desire" both isn't right. It's a LDR and I'm only seeing her two months a year anyway. It doesn't seem like I'm really taking this relationship seriously enough.

 

However, I'm going to let this play out naturally and I'm not going to break up with her (which is considered an "intervention"). I may "cheat" on her by seeing other women without her knowledge or permission, but at the very least, if I do "cheat" it will likely be with a single woman and not another married woman -- but if there is no resolution, there is nothing stopping anything from even that.

[laisla]

why don't you just end the relationship

[Luke Skywalker]

why don't you just end the relationship

 

Cause usually things just crash and burn with me in some way or another. But it ain't happening here. She's really sticking with me. I never had the need to end a relationship or reject anyone. It doesn't seem natural to me to do that since she really does fit somewhere and that would be too abrupt. I'm not going to get rid of her - it's not right.

[Maverick32x]

wow, I cant believe I've read through this entire thing.. but if I remember correctly, Luke_skywalker, you used to visit this site under a diffrent name? and I can't remember the exact name, but I think we've gotten into it a couple times.. and its always the same thing... I'm desperatly trying to remember, and I'm sorry if I'm mistaken, but judging by your responses, I feel like you're that same person...

 

you manipulate the situation to fit your frame of mind making it "okay".... and nothing we say will ever change that... you are fitting life into your rules.... and that is okay with you.... the bottom line is that a vast majority of people feel that your attitude towards relationships is disrespectful...... You've twisted this topic this way and that.....

 

My only advice is be honest with yourself.... and be willing to change....

[Capricorn3]

I'm not going to get rid of her - it's not right.

But at the same time, is it right for you to go behind her back with this? Like I said before, do her a BIG favour and tell her about this single, more attractive girl who you'd like to have animalistic sex with, and see how she feels about that. Tell her about it BEFORE she sends you money for a plane ticket.

[Luke Skywalker]

But at the same time, is it right for you to go behind her back with this? Like I said before, do her a BIG favour and tell her about this single, more attractive girl who you'd like to have animalistic sex with, and see how she feels about that. Tell her about it BEFORE she sends you money for a plane ticket.

 

Sure, because she's not hurt by it.

[Capricorn3]

Have you told her about it? I highly doubt it.

[diabolik]

Luke, what is pretty clear from reading through this entire thread (at least it gave me something to do while icing my shoulder), is the following:

1. You are afraid you cannot attract another woman into a serious relationship with you, so you hold on to the one you have

2. But there are things about her that give you pause as to whether she is a suitable girl for you

3. So you continue to search for another woman, who might be more suitable, but b/c of your fear in #1, you don’t let your SO go

4. You rationalize holding on to your SO by suggesting that she might go crazy without you

5. B/c you fear she will leave you if you were to tell her that you are actively seeking out a more suitable woman, you do not tell her

6. At some level, conscious or not, you realize that this is not very becoming of a Christian

7. So you create a set of rules for yourself. In your mind, this obviates the need to tell her that you are actively seeking (which you will not b/c #5). As long as you don’t violate your rules, you can still claim to be a Christian. And to boot, you are doing her a service b/c she is too feeble-minded to decide for herself whether she should be upset/leave b/c her SO is actively seeking other women, even if he does not intend to have sex with them.

8. Still, you don’t feel quite right about this, so you seek some validation on ENA

 

Sound about right to you?

 

Some reactions to earlier posts:

 

A third option is to get my gf's PERMISSION to go out with this girl, since this was never brought up before, but I think a movie is a little too far and will defeat the purpose. No, left to a two option scenerio only.

If you got your gf’s permission to pursue/date other women, I wouldn’t take issue with your behavior.

 

Tell me. I'm for full disclosure. I'll tell her if I did anything inappropriate today.

This is inadequate disclosure. You know that.

 

Fine, I'll share it with her.

If she reads this entire thread, and is ok with what you’re doing, then it’s fine. But we both know you won’t show her this entire thread. Your fear (#1 above) is too great. But hey, prove me wrong.

 

If she says no I can't date her, then I'll stay away, but that gives enough information to give her an indication of how I"m sort of feeling or at what level of maturity I'm at for a serious relatoinship.

Again, you are being very selective about what your suggested disclosure. Tell her that even if you don’t date this girl, if another attractive girl who interests you come along, you’ll come asking permission to date her, and so on. Basically, ask her for permission to stay in a non-committed/open relationship with her. If she’s ok with that, then you are free to do what you are proposing. Ah, but that would open the possibility that she would also date others and perhaps find someone she likes better.

 

I really don't understand how thoughts -- fantasy can be hurtful. It's only fantasy.

I’m with you on this. Almost everyone has fantasized about another while in a relationship.

 

She is in North Manitoba and often complains that she is lonely and I'm the only person, other than her family, that she has in the world. Her experiences with men in the past have been nasty . . .

 

Saying that she can find someone else, or be free to do so, is almost like sending her out to the wolves because she says she really needs my love and appears to be acting in a desperate clingly-needy sort of way. She really doesn't have that many options right now, if any at all, other than just being single and staying away from men.

See how you are painting yourself as her only option and also her protector? Helps justify your behavior.

 

The reality is that she has options. Even if every guy in N. Manitoba was a total jerk, she can date outside that region, like she is with you.

 

Let her decide for herself if staying committed to a man who is not interested in commitment (commitment doesn’t mean simply not cheating, it also includes not actively seeking) is better than taking her chances trying to find a gentlemen amongst the wolves out there.

 

I believe she is the best fit for my life. I've already studied this . . .

If she is a perfect fit in my life and is better than any other prospect around, objectively, not looking at "emotions", then I have to stick with her.

Not everyone marries for romantic love, and that’s fine, and produces many strong marriages. But you’re not sure if she is the best fit. So you want to keep her around while you look to see if there’s something better. Shouldn’t she have the same option?

 

If you get her permission to do so, then there is no elements of cheating. On the same token, if she doesn't grant permission, and you honour that, then you don't do it, otherwise it would be cheating.

Agreed.

 

No, it just happened that I'm in an LDR. This is passively what has occurred. I do not seek a relationship with her, she sought me when I said I had no-one.

Relevance? It’s still a committed (either explicitly or implicitly) relationship.

 

This system ensures that simple people like herself is protected and has representation in the form of resolutions.

I doubt she it too simple to decide whether she wants a non-committed relationship with you. Only one way to find out.

 

Luke, I can see that you're not a scumbag, and that you're trying to do the right thing. I think you've got three non-sleazoid options (some more feasible than others):

1. Stay truly committed to her and do not seek out/pursue *any* other women

2. Ask her for a non-committed relationship

3. Break up with her and pursue other women

 

My recommendation is #3. Some people have had very negative visceral reactions to your post, but you're not a bad guy, and you can find someone else.

[Kantriakhor]

And the resolution is altered again with rationalizing. Now it's okay to cheat so long as it's an unmarried girl. She deserves someone who's not okay with this. Let her go and then you can date as you please.

[Kantriakhor]

My penultimate point being: You have said two things on every question I asked altogether. Two answers to each question. Each answer being the opposite. Since only one answer for each question can be true:

 

Were you lying? Confused? Said one thing then upon further thought changed your mind? I see this all as moot now that you're open to no longer being faithful to her.

[Duckie198100]

I'm a Christian and I've never read this in the bible. I understand it's your belief, but people don't need to get the wrong idea about Christians either. Not all of us, nor many of us see sex as you see it.

[Rose21]

Do you always feel the need to cheat on your girlfriends?

 

If so, I think you need to just stay away from women for now and just do some serious working on your own.

 

Serial cheaters (even in thought) have major self-esteem issues, it has nothing to do with your girl, but yourself for not being able to stay loyal to ANYONE or running away when a temptation arrises.

 

How do you EVER expect to be accomplished in life, or get married later if you can't overcome this hurrdle?

[Rose21]

You should just end this, do her and you a favor so you can figure things out on your own. Seriously.

 

Your lack of empathy is seriously worrying me, and being a Criminology major, thats one of the biggest signs for Anti-Social personality disorder, these sort of people have a really big chance of being killers, murderers. The best serial killers had ant-social personality disorder, commonly known as a socio-path because of their lack of empathy.

 

I'm not saying you will be one, I'm just saying if you continue to travel down the path your going, you may get there. Who knows?

 

You should REALLY seek out counseling.

 

This thread isn't going to help you, but a professional will.

 

We are not professionals.

[Batya33]

I haven't read the whole thread but I think your contract/resolution is an excuse to overanalyze and complicate a simple issue. You have a gf. Therefore, you don't date other women. Also, you don't put yourself in a situation that would be inconsistent with that commitment. Here's a good litmus test that does away with the legalistic "contract" - would you be comfortable with your gf putting her in the same situation you will be in with Hottie? Are you comfortable telling your gf about the plan and answering "yes" if she asks if you find this woman attractive?

 

Perhaps I also complicated matters. My point is, there's a reason why couples in healthy relationships do not need a written contract with all sorts of multisyllabic language and loopholes so you can rationalize getting some on the side (or attempting to).

[Kantriakhor]

I may "cheat" on her by seeing other women without her knowledge or permission, but at the very least, if I do "cheat" it will likely be with a single woman and not another married woman -- but if there is no resolution, there is nothing stopping anything from even that.

 

Except, common decency, morality, ethics, remaining faithful to your partner, stuff like that.

[offplanet]

Yes it would be breaking the resolution.

You're kidding yourself that it's a 'friends' thing.

Your g/f is entitled to know of your struggle with temptation, and to decide if she wants this kind of b/f.

It wouldn't be a good omen for good marriage prospects.

Like the others said, it'd be better for you to be single and free, feeling as you do.

offplanet

[IphigeniaSaysHi]

Just break up with your chick. She deserves someone that doesn't want to take his coworker that he thinks is hotter than her to a movie and then have "animalistic" sex with her.

 

Late, I know, but this does it. Exactly.

[Luke Skywalker]

I'm a Christian and I've never read this in the bible. I understand it's your belief, but people don't need to get the wrong idea about Christians either. Not all of us, nor many of us see sex as you see it.

 

The Bible is the final authority on the matter of sexuality issues for a born-again Christian.

 

Here's the theology background:

 

1 Corinthians 6: 15-16 "Know ye not that your bodies are the members of Christ? shall I then take the members of Christ, and make them members of a harlot? God forbid. What? Know ye not that he which is joined to an harlot is one body? for two, said he, shall be one flesh".

 

This says a mouthful:

a) Your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit.

b) You are defiling the temple of the Holy Spirit by joining it with a harlot.

 

1 Corinthians 6:17-20 "But he that is joined unto the Lord is one spirit.

 

Flee fornication. Every sin a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body. What? Know ye not that your body is the Temple of the Holy Ghost which is in you, which ye have of God, and ye are not your own? For ye are brought with a price: therefore glorify God in your body, and in your spirit, which are God's."

 

Very, very powerful theological concepts here.

 

What is the Bible solution to fornication -- it is for marriage:

 

1 Corintians 7:2 "Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and every woman have her own husband."

 

It seems quite clear that fornication is pre-maritial sex because the only way you can avoid it, according to scripture, is to marry someone, otherewise you are in the fornication bracket if you are having sex.

 

***********

 

1 Thessalonians 4:3-5 "For this is the will of God, even your santification, that ye should abstain from fornication: That every one of you should know how to possess his vessel in santification and honour; Not in the lust of concupiscence, even as the Gentiles which know not God."

 

Those who do not know God are expected to act a certain way. Those who really know God have a higher expectation in their life.

 

The vessel is the body. The temple is the body. The Bible says, that if you are redeemed by the blood of Jesus, then you don't own your body, Jesus does as it is now something you sacrifice to Him by living a life of holiness and sobriety. That means, no pre-maritial sex.

 

************

 

Christians should be familiar with core moral teachings of the Bible.

[Luke Skywalker]

I think that I'm just going to let this go naturally and proceed. My gf knows I already looked at porn/fleshlight in the past (she gave permission for it) and that I like to talk with women (socialisation). I don't think breaking up with her is a tactful solution in this situation. I feel I'm going to stick with her and she's the most reliable person that fits into my life perfectly and that is that. I may also pursue other girls in course "for fun", but it's not serious anyway with them, so not a threat to this relationship.