Have a gf, but I also want to have some fun....

[Luke Skywalker]

Do you always feel the need to cheat on your girlfriends?

 

I only have one girlfriend. I never had a girlfriend prior to this one.

[Cognitive_Canine]

I think that I'm just going to let this go naturally and proceed. My gf knows I already looked at porn/fleshlight in the past (she gave permission for it) and that I like to talk with women (socialisation). I don't think breaking up with her is a tactful solution in this situation. I feel I'm going to stick with her and she's the most reliable person that fits into my life perfectly and that is that. I may also pursue other girls in course "for fun", but it's not serious anyway with them, so not a threat to this relationship.

 

I feel so bad for your girlfriend. I hope when this is all said and done that she is not permanently damaged.

[Luke Skywalker]

I haven't read the whole thread but I think your contract/resolution is an excuse to overanalyze and complicate a simple issue. You have a gf. Therefore, you don't date other women. Also, you don't put yourself in a situation that would be inconsistent with that commitment. Here's a good litmus test that does away with the legalistic "contract" - would you be comfortable with your gf putting her in the same situation you will be in with Hottie? Are you comfortable telling your gf about the plan and answering "yes" if she asks if you find this woman attractive?

 

I do not care who my girlfriend is talking to in North Manitoba. In fact I would encourage it. I think she's too clingy with me anyway sometimes and she should socialize more with other people if she feels the need to. I don't want to be a cult of personality in her life.

[Miss Firecracker]

I think that I'm just going to let this go naturally and proceed. My gf knows I already looked at porn/fleshlight in the past (she gave permission for it) and that I like to talk with women (socialisation). I don't think breaking up with her is a tactful solution in this situation. I feel I'm going to stick with her and she's the most reliable person that fits into my life perfectly and that is that. I may also pursue other girls in course "for fun", but it's not serious anyway with them, so not a threat to this relationship.

 

I'm interested to see how this progresses, Luke. I always enjoy reading your threads. They are unique. I hope things become clear to you before long and you make a decision that allows you to sleep well.

[diabolik]

Luke, even if you don't respond to it, I hope you read my post (#89) in this thread.

[Ellie2006]

I dont think I understand: you've tried all these years to find a girlfriend.

Now you have one -- your very first girlfriend -- and you're thinking of cheating on her to "have some fun"?

 

Why didnt you revel in "having some fun" when you were single, instead of griping on and on about finding an SO?

[Miss Firecracker]

I dont think I understand: you've tried all these years to find a girlfriend.

Now you have one -- your very first girlfriend -- and you're thinking of cheating on her to "have some fun"?

 

Why didnt you revel in "having some fun" when you were single, instead of griping on and on about finding an SO?

 

Luke has gained confidence from his girlfriend. This is how it goes.

[Ellie2006]

Luke has gained confidence from his girlfriend. This is how it goes.

 

MF, I suppose so.

 

It just seems unfair for the gf, reduced to a confidence-booster, only to have her boyfriend thinking about cheating on her.

 

Well, I suppose no one ever said life was fair...

[PsychGirly]

One thing I can't understand is why people post threads to get opinions on a situation, if they won't open their mind to them.

 

You asked what we think about this situation, and I read all the replies, and almost EVERYONE was on the same page saying that you should break up with your gf before you pursue anyone else.

 

At the end of it all, you still stick to your original decision, as if none of our replies mattered.

 

So my question is, what were you really looking for when you posted this thread?

[Luke Skywalker]

I dont think I understand: you've tried all these years to find a girlfriend.

Now you have one -- your very first girlfriend -- and you're thinking of cheating on her to "have some fun"?

 

This is the same single girl I asked out from the office back in February, and last year as well (went on a coffee date with her before I had any girlfriend). This is not a new person that I asked out randomly.

 

Why didnt you revel in "having some fun" when you were single, instead of griping on and on about finding an SO?

 

That is one of the entrenched goals of one of them diary books since 2006. It has always been a goal of it -- whatever "fun" is being defined as.

 

I do not think was griping on and on about finding a SO.

 

Anyway, I still don't see what the fuss is about since I have not done anything, or am doing anything differently now than compared to when I was single. Like I said above, if I'm going to make that comparison, then yes I did have fun times when I was single whenever I had a connection with someone.

[Luke Skywalker]

Luke has gained confidence from his girlfriend. This is how it goes.

 

That's interesting. Back in February when I asked this girl out at the office, I asked another girl out at the office at the same time (both single). The other girl flaked on me, and I cancelled out a date on this girl because something came up with me. Since then I never asked her out again until yesterday.

 

It was like I was just talking with her and had to ask her out. The motivation virtually feels like I just want to have fun with this girl here.

[Luke Skywalker]

In terms of policy I don't think any girlfriend should interfare with personal growth, even if that personal growth means dealing with things that I'm afraid of, namely other women and having fun with them. Using her as an excuse is just not healthy. It's like saying, I have a girlfriend therefore I don't have to try skydiving, or learn to swim. I think fighting fears and beating goliaths in life is the right thing to do.

[Duckie198100]

I really don't want to be rude, but I literally just got nauseous from reading your last two posts. Your poor, poor girlfriend. I hope your ready for the fallout of all your selfishness.

[Kantriakhor]

In terms of policy I don't think any girlfriend should interfare with personal growth, even if that personal growth means dealing with things that I'm afraid of, namely other women and having fun with them. Using her as an excuse is just not healthy. It's like saying, I have a girlfriend therefore I don't have to try skydiving, or learn to swim. I think fighting fears and beating goliaths in life is the right thing to do.

 

No, no, no, no, no. You're rationalizing again, being in a relationship means no longer dating other people unless it's an open relationship but that's decided by conversation and full-disclosure, something you're lacking in this instance.

 

What you're doing is wrong. It's against your supposed Christian beliefs, it's against ethics, it's against everything you stood for before you were in relationship, ironically.

[Kantriakhor]

I think that I'm just going to let this go naturally and proceed. My gf knows I already looked at porn/fleshlight in the past (she gave permission for it) and that I like to talk with women (socialisation). I don't think breaking up with her is a tactful solution in this situation. I feel I'm going to stick with her and she's the most reliable person that fits into my life perfectly and that is that. I may also pursue other girls in course "for fun", but it's not serious anyway with them, so not a threat to this relationship.

 

What's not tactful is CHEATING ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND BY SEEING OTHER PEOPLE. It's interesting that you've rationalized a fact that's quite clear. I'll ask you this bluntly:

 

Are you okay with cheating on your girlfriend realizing it is wrong? No explanations of why, no rationales, just a yes or no that you're aware that you're okay with cheating while knowing it is wrong and heavily against your own alleged religious views which you claim are absolute.

[diabolik]

What's not tactful is CHEATING ON YOUR GIRLFRIEND BY SEEING OTHER PEOPLE. It's interesting that you've rationalized a fact that's quite clear. I'll ask you this bluntly:

 

Are you okay with cheating on your girlfriend realizing it is wrong? No explanations of why, no rationales, just a yes or no that you're aware that you're okay with cheating while knowing it is wrong and heavily against your own alleged religious views which you claim are absolute.

He doesn't see seeking/pursuing others while in a 'committed' relationship as cheating. And what we might consider pursuing, he might consider socializing.

 

The reality is that he is having a difficult time reconciling his

1. feelings of inadequacy and fear that another woman will want to be with him

2. religious convictions

3. desires

 

Hence the rationalizations so he can hold onto all three of these things. Luke, you can have any two of those things, but not all three.

[Luke Skywalker]

And what we might consider pursuing, he might consider socializing.

 

My girlfriend already said that I can socialize and talk to other women in the office in a prior corespondence and said that when she was in University, she used to do allot of that and was called "Mrs Social". Talking to women at the office is "socializing". This is something she not only allows but encourages because she believes this is very healthy for me.

 

She has clarified later that hugging, kissing, and going out to a movie may cross the line so to speak and would have to be disclosed to her.

I did not hug, kiss, or take anyone out on a date and therefore no disclosure of this is necessary unless I actually PURSUE a movie date with this girl that said yes. She has no problem with me talking to ANY woman in the office EXCEPT for one woman -- who is the "married woman" -- only that woman was singled out.

[Kantriakhor]

He doesn't see seeking/pursuing others while in a 'committed' relationship as cheating. And what we might consider pursuing, he might consider socializing.

 

The reality is that he is having a difficult time reconciling his

1. feelings of inadequacy and fear that another woman will want to be with him

2. religious convictions

3. desires

 

Hence the rationalizations so he can hold onto all three of these things. Luke, you can have any two of those things, but not all three.

 

I agree but he said flat-out he is open to cheating. Not pursuing, not talking, but cheating. He said this in plain open text. There's no misinterpreting that.

[diabolik]

Yes, of course socializing is healthy, so she has no problem with that. But what you are doing is socializing with the intent of potentially having something more with another woman (though I believe you would break up with your gf should you get to that point). Socializing with intent is pursuit.

 

Anyway, you ignore the everything that doesn't allow you to have your fear, your desire and your religious conviction all at the same time. You are being dishonest with yourself.

[Luke Skywalker]

The reality is that he is having a difficult time reconciling his

1. feelings of inadequacy and fear that another woman will want to be with him

2. religious convictions

3. desires

 

Hence the rationalizations so he can hold onto all three of these things. Luke, you can have any two of those things, but not all three.

 

I don't get this. Which 2 are you talking about?

 

Let's say I keep 2. What's 1 and 2, or 2 and 3? or how would 2 and 3 exclude 1?

[Luke Skywalker]

I agree but he said flat-out he is open to cheating. Not pursuing, not talking, but cheating. He said this in plain open text. There's no misinterpreting that.

 

You may want to quote where I said that.

[diabolik]

He doesn't see seeking/pursuing others while in a 'committed' relationship as cheating. And what we might consider pursuing, he might consider socializing.

 

The reality is that he is having a difficult time reconciling his

1. feelings of inadequacy and fear that another woman will want to be with him

2. religious convictions

3. desires

 

Hence the rationalizations so he can hold onto all three of these things. Luke, you can have any two of those things, but not all three.

 

I don't get this. Which 2 are you talking about?

 

Let's say I keep 2. What's 1 and 2, or 2 and 3? or how would 2 and 3 exclude 1?

You can hang onto any two of the items in that last, but not all three. You get to choose. Get it now?

 

For example, if you want to act on your current desires and behave in the manner befitting a true Christian, you will have to either leave your gf or get her agreement to a non-committed relationship, thereby letting go somewhat of your fear that you will not find another woman.

[Luke Skywalker]

Yes, of course socializing is healthy, so she has no problem with that. But what you are doing is socializing with the intent of potentially having something more with another woman (though I believe you would break up with your gf should you get to that point). Socializing with intent is pursuit.

 

Right, and if I follow-up with the movie date and actually make a movie date knowing my gf would either want to look at a movie with me, but may tolerate it loosely if I looked at a movie with a group of people or other guys, but would consider it cheating if I watched a movie with another girl then that would be pursuing.

 

Anyway, you ignore the everything that doesn't allow you to have your fear, your desire and your religious conviction all at the same time. You are being dishonest with yourself.

 

Explain.

[rocio]

Explain.

 

You have a way of reasoning in circles until you finally get to the place you feel comfortable. I've told you this before. It's like statistics - you can take data and make it say just about anything you want it to, if you analyze long enough.

[Luke Skywalker]

Miss_Firecracker raised an interesting point. So far, there has been no clear communication of a relationship other than an implied one based on the way she's reacting with me and her communication of boundaries of what is right or wrong with her. For example, I never had sex with her, and she's really carrying on with me because she doesn't have any other guy.

 

Usually, people "date" each other for a while and then decide if they want to commit to a relationship, not just go crazy on someone and just declare a relationship in thin air as honestly is what happened here. I've also communicated to her that I just want to have fun with her (non-sexual clean fun) by email at some point before and she was cool with that. But being confused, I still asked for her permission on certain subjects pertaining to viewing porn and socializing back in January to see how she felt about it. I don't know.

 

This is just one perspective on here that's also noted.