An ex who acted rude about my tragedy

[owl27]

I had a pretty extreme tragedy in my life and I was surprised by a few people who didn't reach out in any way.

 

I know that can happen. However, these were people that I really thought would send an email or some kind of note at the VERY least to ask how I am doing. Males and females, old and young. I eventually just shrugged it off. Except for one...

 

This one person was a recent ex. We parted amicably and with fond loving goodbyes. We both moved on and didn't really keep in touch.

 

A year after our break up is when tragedy struck in my life. I really thought I would hear something since we still had mutual friends. I waited quite a while and still--nothing.

 

Finally I broke down and called my ex to simply ask if they had heard what happened. The ex was very surprised by my call and irritated, it seems. When I asked if they knew about the tragedy, the response was a very harsh and aggrevated "Yes...' (like, "What of it??") I received NO comforting words. In fact, this person acted as if they were MAD at me. I got a little hurt and defensive and said "What's wrong?" or something and the response was "I'm just done...Bye" and we hung up.

 

I was in shock by their reaction. I was expecting a kind word and then a quick, awkward good bye. I was not expecting the cold response I got.

 

I asked a few people who knew both of us what they thought. Everyone was shocked. They knew my ex was a decent person. Everyone was perplexed.

 

I did get a few "guesses." Most of them said that my ex was probably freaked out and unable to give comfort so they panicked instead. Some guessed that the ex was with a partner who they don't want to anger or make jealous. And some guessed that the ex was afraid of giving comfort because it might stir up old emotions for both of us so they put up a wall instead.

 

Just on a "human" level, I am trying to understand this.

Any ideas from objective sources?

[mgirl]

Those answers sound feasible. He may have felt bad for you, even though he didn't contact you. Or, maybe he is 'done' with the relationship as he says. He may find it easier to move on like that.

 

I wouldn't read too much into it. People are rarely able to empathize until they have suffered some kind of loss.

[Honey Pumpkin]

What was the tragedy, if you don't mind me asking?

[owl27]

What was the tragedy, if you don't mind me asking?

I don't want to go into too much detail about the tragedy for privacy reasons (people would be able to identify me if they happen to read the post). But I will say it was the death of a close family member.

[owl27]

Those answers sound feasible. He may have felt bad for you, even though he didn't contact you. Or, maybe he is 'done' with the relationship as he says. He may find it easier to move on like that.

 

I wouldn't read too much into it. People are rarely able to empathize until they have suffered some kind of loss.

Thanks. It happened quite a while ago. I took it VERY personal in the beginning. But over time I have been able to see it more objectively. I think I took my ex off guard and put into a very uncomfortable situation. In my opinion, a person can simply say "I'm sorry for your loss. I can't talk right now. Good bye." So since that was not said, then there must be something going on in that other person's world.

[emptyjar]

have you two even been in contact in the past year since the break up?

 

if you haven't, he probably just didn't want to hear from you. and even if you have been in touch, he might just be completely done with handling serious and personal things like this.

 

i find it odd that out of the other people close to you that didn't say anything or show compassion, you seem to be the most concerned about an old ex.

[owl27]

have you two even been in contact in the past year since the break up?

 

if you haven't, he probably just didn't want to hear from you. and even if you have been in touch, he might just be completely done with handling serious and personal things like this.

 

i find it odd that out of the other people close to you that didn't say anything or show compassion, you seem to be the most concerned about an old ex.

Thanks for the advice. The reason I was concerned about the ex is that this was a person I loved and who loved me at one time. The other individuals were just friends, co-workers, etc.

[Honey Pumpkin]

Thanks for the advice. The reason I was concerned about the ex is that this was a person I loved and who loved me at one time. The other individuals were just friends, co-workers, etc.

 

Yeah, sometimes this happens. It's almost like it's too much for people to handle. It's not nice, but maybe he felt that he could not get involved again.

 

I'm sorry you're hurting - it's hard when people disappoint us, isn't it?

[owl27]

99% of the time I can be understanding of the situation and realize that some people are scared and don't know what to say...They don't mean to disappoint us. I think with my ex, the frustration I heard in his voice was probably aimed at himself not at me. But then that 1% starts creeping in and I think "Am I just making excuses for bad behavior?" Bottom line, it DOES hurt. No matter how hard we try, in times of extreme stress, we can't comfort ourselves. And we tend to want the whole world to embrace us. But I realize that will not happen....Maybe it is yet another sign from God that my ex was truly not the right person for me.

[orangesoda]

The one thing I've learned is that when you break up, have zero expectations from your ex's. Otherwise, you're bound to be disappointed sooner or later.

 

Personally, I think that was a cold-hearted response, and if you were hurt by it, then leave it at that. Don't waste time or energy trying to justify his behavior. 'It was what it was'. What you can do is learn from it - at least now you have a clearer picture of where you and your ex stand: He does not wish to be involved with your life even during times of tragedies.

 

Does that suck? Absolutely. But you survived the breakup, and you'll get over this. I think you should not dwell on this, and just let it go.

[top bloke]

Ok. A few years back I had heart trouble. In hospital things werent looking so great .Anyway ...recovering ..I saw who my friends were. Some people we shared a table of food on many occasions never even a phone call. I wasnt upset.but surprised. It seemed that they did not feel the way I did. My heart..still in literal pain while recovering discovered that we cannot take on board others actions. We just have to let them be and have peace in our minds. Find peace in yourself..the world can turn upside down..but dont let it take you...it is what it is..let it go.. But now youre more aware...

[LBP]

Ok. A few years back I had heart trouble. In hospital things werent looking so great .Anyway ...recovering ..I saw who my friends were. Some people we shared a table of food on many occasions never even a phone call. I wasnt upset.but surprised. It seemed that they did not feel the way I did. My heart..still in literal pain while recovering discovered that we cannot take on board others actions. We just have to let them be and have peace in our minds. Find peace in yourself..the world can turn upside down..but dont let it take you...it is what it is..let it go.. But now youre more aware...

 

That kind of stuff frightens some people. They can't handle the pressure, I guess is the best way to put it. Their lives are called into question. If someone so good can be put on the brink of death, then what am I? Bereavements, ultimately, can happen to anyone. Not a lot of people are comfortable with this fact, so they flutter and fuss and sink into the background. this isn't because they dislike you. It's just because they are weak. A lot of individuals stay weak for their entire lives.

 

That's something to be sad about, I think.

[uhohlala]

Another thing to consider is that not only did you catch your ex off guard with your phone call, but he might have detected an implicit rebuke from you. From what you said, you asked your ex if he'd heard your unhappy news, and he had. And then what happened? You weren't really calling to have a conversation with him because there were insights you were hoping that he could provide ... you were calling to say, "Dude, you dropped the ball, where's my condolence email/phone call/other gesture?"

 

I do understand how you'd wonder why you hadn't heard from your ex in your time of trouble, but I wonder if you would have gotten a better response by calling or emailing to say something like, "Hey Ex, how are you? I feel like I've fallen out of touch with people recently, I'm afraid I've been kind of preoccupied because of a recent tragic loss in my family. I don't know if you've heard, but So-And-So died recently - obviously unexpected and to be honest the shock still hasn't lifted. ..." Or something that was about reaching out to communicate with your ex, instead of finding out why he hadn't reached out to you. Some people don't know how to handle others' grief. And some people are especially bad when put on the spot about how they've failed to meet a basic social obligation (like offering condolences upon the death of a friend's loved one!).

[owl27]

The one thing I've learned is that when you break up, have zero expectations from your ex's. Otherwise, you're bound to be disappointed sooner or later.

 

Personally, I think that was a cold-hearted response, and if you were hurt by it, then leave it at that. Don't waste time or energy trying to justify his behavior. 'It was what it was'. What you can do is learn from it - at least now you have a clearer picture of where you and your ex stand: He does not wish to be involved with your life even during times of tragedies.

 

Does that suck? Absolutely. But you survived the breakup, and you'll get over this. I think you should not dwell on this, and just let it go.

 

**I just have to say, I am new to this forum and I love it. Not only does it give me insight with my issues, but it's very interesting and easy to use. **

 

Thanks for the advice about no EX-pectations (ha ha). Reminds me of a quote Michael J Fox said recently --

"Happiness grows in direct proportion to your acceptance and in inverse proportion to your expectations."

 

Also, you blew my mind when you said "He does not wish to be involved with your life even during times of tragedies." I really needed to hear that...

 

See, during our break up process, I asked for the No Contact rule because I thought that was the way you're supposed to do it...He was upset by this---he wanted to keep in touch. So then we compromised and said that we'd keep in touch for important stuff and holidays.

 

Well, I guess it was all lip service because I tried to do that for the first few holidays and got no response from him. Apparently he had moved on.

 

So I suppose it was selfish or naive of me to think he'd respond to this very serious news. I have to remember not all people are like I am. Some people move on and don't look back.

[owl27]

Ok. A few years back I had heart trouble. In hospital things werent looking so great .Anyway ...recovering ..I saw who my friends were. Some people we shared a table of food on many occasions never even a phone call. I wasnt upset.but surprised. It seemed that they did not feel the way I did. My heart..still in literal pain while recovering discovered that we cannot take on board others actions. We just have to let them be and have peace in our minds. Find peace in yourself..the world can turn upside down..but dont let it take you...it is what it is..let it go.. But now youre more aware...

Sorry about your heart troubles But I agree--we cannot control others' actions.

[owl27]

That kind of stuff frightens some people. They can't handle the pressure, I guess is the best way to put it. Their lives are called into question. If someone so good can be put on the brink of death, then what am I? Bereavements, ultimately, can happen to anyone. Not a lot of people are comfortable with this fact, so they flutter and fuss and sink into the background. this isn't because they dislike you. It's just because they are weak. A lot of individuals stay weak for their entire lives.

 

That's something to be sad about, I think.

Wow, this is powerful--

If someone so good can be put on the brink of death, then what am I?

Thank you so much. What terrific insight. And I agree about people being weak...During this tragic time, the people who have been the MOST supportive are 1. People who have had similar tragedies. 2. Women 3. People who have a lot of empathy. In that order. I learned that MEN in particular shy away from this stuff. In a way it doesn't surprise me since we women deal with physical pain better, too. But in a way it DID surprise me because I thought men enjoyed being the heroes and the rescuers....But I just answered my own question. Death is final. Men can't fix that and it makes them feel sad. Maybe even guilty.

[owl27]

Thanks for your opinions. I probably wasn't really clear in my post. We had been broken up for almost EXACTLY a year and we had been following the No Contact rule. I had tried to contact him previously "just to say hi" during the holidays etc but I got voice mail and no returned call. So when I talked to him this time, I wanted to be specific about WHY I was calling. Hope that clarifies.

[top bloke]

That kind of stuff frightens some people. They can't handle the pressure, I guess is the best way to put it. Their lives are called into question. If someone so good can be put on the brink of death, then what am I? Bereavements, ultimately, can happen to anyone. Not a lot of people are comfortable with this fact, so they flutter and fuss and sink into the background. this isn't because they dislike you. It's just because they are weak. A lot of individuals stay weak for their entire lives.

 

That's something to be sad about, I think.

Nar. They have seen it all these people.They just didnt care. I always make a point to see sick people because I care about them...

Owl...Im all good now and running! Worst case scenario is that they replace hearts nowadays..hehe

Owl..I understand your question. He is distanced from you and has the devil may care attitude. He feels you are imposing by contacting him like he should care. The hard reality as I learnt is that even friends dont really care in tragic times .He is your ex and doesnt want anything to do with you...unfortunately youll have to accept this . My advice is dont eve bother with them again at all.

And if it makes you feel any better... ooo theres a big hug for you. Let him be..leave it alone

[yellow_sweater]

Wow, this is powerful--

If someone so good can be put on the brink of death, then what am I?

Thank you so much. What terrific insight. And I agree about people being weak...During this tragic time, the people who have been the MOST supportive are 1. People who have had similar tragedies. 2. Women 3. People who have a lot of empathy. In that order. I learned that MEN in particular shy away from this stuff. In a way it doesn't surprise me since we women deal with physical pain better, too. But in a way it DID surprise me because I thought men enjoyed being the heroes and the rescuers....But I just answered my own question. Death is final. Men can't fix that and it makes them feel sad. Maybe even guilty.

 

The women in my life seem to deal MUCH better with death and end-of-life issues than the men in my life. I won't extend that to a gender-based generalization, but I can relate my specific personal experience and the individuals in my life to what you've noticed in your situation.

 

The precipitating event that led to the end of my seven year relationship between my ex and I was the suicide of one of his friends. That's the most extreme example in my experience... there are others.

 

I'm sorry for your loss. It must have been very hard. It's still affecting you today. Take care of yourself.

 

YS

[thejigsup]

We are born alone and we die alone. If we want to be honest with ourselves, we are alone our entire lives. We just pretend to share our lives with others, this keeps us from having to deal with our aloneness. We are judged on how we lived our lives, it is a solo journey. I never expect people to be in my life forever and I know they can't be. So, I don't depend on anyone but myself. I have friends and a great bf, but they could be gone tomorrow. Only I will be with me my entire life.

[Crazyaboutdogs]

We are born alone and we die alone. If we want to be honest with ourselves, we are alone our entire lives. We just pretend to share our lives with others, this keeps us from having to deal with our aloneness. We are judged on how we lived our lives, it is a solo journey. I never expect people to be in my life forever and I know they can't be. So, I don't depend on anyone but myself. I have friends and a great bf, but they could be gone tomorrow. Only I will be with me my entire life.

 

 

At certain points in our lives we do indeed need to depend on others..however, often the help we need is not offered by friends and sometimes not even family...it is strangers and casual acquaintances who often step up to the plate to lend the helping hand and support. I remember going through a certain crisis when I was in graduate school...the people who supported me were the ones I spoke to on occasion whereas those I spoke to every day couldn't be bothered to support me.

[avgirl]

I'm SO sorry! That's awful. I guess it might be the shock thing, and maybe some guilt (some people act rude in a defensive way, like when they know they went about something totally wrong). All I know is a lot of people are really awkward about this kind of thing, like they don't know what to do or say. A lot of people avoid it just because it's so awful. Not a single one of my friends came to my dad's wake. Most of them are off at college, but I didn't hear from a single one of them and it bothered me for a while, but they probably just really didn't know what to say. That's all I can guess at least. It's awful.

[owl27]

I'm SO sorry! That's awful. I guess it might be the shock thing, and maybe some guilt (some people act rude in a defensive way, like when they know they went about something totally wrong). All I know is a lot of people are really awkward about this kind of thing, like they don't know what to do or say. A lot of people avoid it just because it's so awful. Not a single one of my friends came to my dad's wake. Most of them are off at college, but I didn't hear from a single one of them and it bothered me for a while, but they probably just really didn't know what to say. That's all I can guess at least. It's awful.

I am so sorry for YOUR loss. Not a single friend went to your father's wake? SIGH. Yes, I think it is indeed something that we must forgive others for...

When you said :

(some people act rude in a defensive way, like when they know they went about something totally wrong).

You really nailed it. That is exactly the emotion that was being conveyed in his voice. Like a child whose parent asks "Why didn't you do your homework?" and the response is "I don't know! Leave me alone!" Guilt...Thanks for the advice. It's comforting to hear from others.

[lady00]

I think he may have been surprised that you called him out on it and instead of responding appropriately with common decency his response was rude. I'm so sorry. But now you know that this is someone you can write off for good.

[k8s]

I do understand how you'd wonder why you hadn't heard from your ex in your time of trouble, but I wonder if you would have gotten a better response by calling or emailing to say something like, "Hey Ex, how are you? I feel like I've fallen out of touch with people recently, I'm afraid I've been kind of preoccupied because of a recent tragic loss in my family. I don't know if you've heard, but So-And-So died .

 

 

wow so ur saying that essentially she is in pain but she should be the one who has to do things the way he wants to hear it - please do not listen to this rubbish. when u are grieving u have a total right of passage to do and say what u want and how YOU need to at the time no judgements. If you are even thinking someone isnt there for u when u need them then they are not pure and simple a good person says "need some company" etc makes sure u arent alone. u will probably not get over this so i would take it as a blessing find better people it happened to me and i get u here 120%.

 

I got worse I didnt even get a how are you going from an ex then friend rather 'I thought u were over this by now" 2 months into the death of my mum, "hate to have known you" and "dont make excuses on ur mother" when i aksed for some money back ($5000 to help him start his business) i was owed after a year and a half to pay costs of Mum's death and legal stuff probate issues as well as a million hideous things i wont even mention...

 

peoples TRUE colours come out at times of death but u never know one friend on the side lines might do the opposite who u never valued as much as u should and believe me u will NEVER forget them either