My videotape.

[paintedfish]

In the past, when I used to feel on the verge of giving up, I had an exercise I would do. I would think about how I would spend my last week, who I would see, what I would do, what I would appreciate for the last time. By the time I was done, I would see everything that way for a while. I would appreciate life as if I would never see it again. The wind blew more peacefully, colors stood out, friends and family were more dear, memories were more fond.

 

Lately, this has just made me realize how tired and apathetic I am. I have no passion left in me for anything.

 

There isn't anything so terrible in my life that only I have been through. My life isn't perfect. I'm over that, really. I'm not the best at anything, I never will be. That's life. I get it. I'm not in so much pain suicide is the only escape.

 

Life is hard. Most people are able to triumph over adversity, rise to the occasion and come out with experiences they can draw on for the rest of their productive lives. The honest truth is (and it's harder to admit to than any of my mistakes) is that maybe I'm just not cut out for it. Maybe some people are just too weak to handle what life throws at them. Maybe, despite their best efforts, they don't have it in them to overcome. What then?

What are the options?

 

What's so wrong with checking out when the workload just isn't worth the payoff? Why stay in a dead end job you hate, with a salary that's barely livable? You can say suicide will ruin the lives of those who care about you, but what person who loves you would want you to continue doing something that makes you miserable just for them?

 

What's the point of plodding along? The point of doing something your heart just isn't in to?

 

Suicide is the easy way out. I accept that. It would be my weakest act to date. The only emotions I have left are guilt and apathy. The little joys in life have diminished to next to nothing, and I can't help but think it would be best to cut my losses now, and move on to whatever is next to come.

[NightLily]

I'm just going to open with a question: would you feel differently about the situation if there was nothing "next to come"?

 

I have asked myself many times.. If I love them, I should not hurt them. But, if they love me, why would they want me to be hurting only for them?

 

The situation becomes much trickier when your loved ones are the ones hurting you. I really don't have any direct answer for you. But I do sometimes think the idea that we are suffering for their sake can become an illusion. There is that little piece in all of us (or most) that is afraid of death or the unknown. We also aren't violent.

 

You could be picked off at any time.. forcibly by somebody or something else. If a person were to murder you do you think you would feel a sense of fear or anger? If so, that says to me that a part of you still values your life.

 

Apathy I am told can be a symptom of depression. There are drugs out there that have helped people get over that.

 

You can cut it in this world because you sound as though you are a very thoughtful indivual and that is something we need more of around these parts.

[NightLily]

Why is this titled "My videotape"?

[paintedfish]

Well, if there is nothing after death, why be scared of that? I'm more wary of what there might be than the lack of.

 

As far as being murdered... the thing that would scare me, I suppose, is the potential pain. Possibly the lack of control. I have it planned out in my mind how I want my last moments and I would feel robbed of that if I wasn't able to carry it out through my own means.

 

As far as depression goes... and medication... I've given up on that for a few reasons. I can no longer afford it, and I no longer felt I needed it. I never got a concise diagnosis (ranging from OCD to Bipolar to Schizoaffective and on) and have lost faith in institutions as a means of help. I certainly do not want to be a slave to medication and their repercussions all my life, nor do I want to deal with paranoia and hallucinations and volatile mood swings. I'm either off the charts dysfunctional or trying to pick up the pieces of my life. The only times I feel anything now are extreme guilt for no reason (though I can think of a million irrational reasons at the time), or what feel like shells of former emotions. I get angry, inexplicably, but there is no fire in it. If I'm happy, I instantly feel guilty. Even eating has become a source of embarrassment, a reflection of my failure in that my parents or my boyfriend has bought it instead of me. The more full I become, the sicker I feel. So I just don't, half the time.

 

Everyone keeps saying to use my bad experiences to strengthen my character. But (and forgive me for sounding like the petulant child I am) I just don't want to anymore.

[NightLily]

We are on a very similar page and I have thought all of your responses too many times.

 

Nobody can force you to do anything you don't want to do. You really can do whatever you want. But, if you true desire is to die, why are you posting here? As in, what do you want to get out of this. It seems to me you are searching for answers and a route out of your logic. Again, a sign your whole self doesn't want to be dead.

 

p.s.-If there is nothing after death.. this is all you have. Be greedy. Soak up life like a dry sponge and make no apologies.

[paintedfish]

Yeah, but... soak what up?

 

I guess I'm posting here because, previously, when I've had problems, or questions, it helps me sort it out. I've come here at the most dire of times, and it at least gets me out of my head. It just seems like the natural thing to do. To see what anyone out there has to say against the way I'm thinking right now. I feel like, I should make some effort to change my thinking before making such a permanent decision. If I don't seem to find anything convincing soon, I will continue preparations. I have the means at the moment, I just don't have everything I'd like to have in order finished.

 

I've been trying to think of what questions my family might ask me, or my friends might want to have answers to, so I can do my best to leave them with closure. I can't think of much, because it just makes sense to me.

 

I'm not trying to sound ungrateful for your help. I'm surprised anyone even responds to posts in this section! So, thank you. : )

 

Ultimately, I suppose you're right. It is pointless in posting if I really want this. I was just curious, really. Entertaining myself on what others might think about such a big decision.

[NightLily]

NO.. I never was trying to imply it is pointless. It isn't. Even just the act of doing so shows that you are not simply trying to walk your self straight into death.

 

If you don't like your life, you can change it. You can do something radical. Hell, you can join a hippy commune, go off with what you have on a bus and just travel around working low paying jobs and exploring, you could live your life like it is going to be taken from you.

 

You mentioned your friends. Sweety, you HAVE FRIENDS! Soak that up.

 

Seriously though, while your doom and gloom is coloring the path of your logic, you have to realize that some people don't even have that. Some people literally have nobody to fall back on.

 

Would you rather have your last moments be out in the woods, staring up at the sky (alone) with a bottle of vodka and cheap sleeping pills.. OR in bed with your children, family, and grandchildren holding you? Knowing that even if you suffered through this life you gave life to them..

[paintedfish]

I can't have children. I'll pass on whatever it is that runs in my family to them.

 

Sigh... I suppose I used the word "friends" too hastily. I have gotten rid of my friends. I'm too weird in public to be around them. I stick to my boyfriend only. I avoid my family, and the only one that calls me is my brother, when he wants money for drugs.

 

How do YOU soak up life?

[NightLily]

Haha, again way to similar to you.

 

Uumm, I have a passion for understanding things so I am studying linear algebra right now so I can get farther with my understanding of physics to one day hopefully answer some of my major questions.

 

I have also been trying to enjoy this lovely weather.

 

I know those may not sound romantic or grandiose, but they are keeping me sane, happy, and willing to hold on.

[LBP]

Being depressed is hard work. I've never experienced it, but my mother has and to be frank the only functional response she's had to it is to fall within and just keep on chugging. She thought enough about suicide to develop an aphorism about it: "Permanent solution to a temporary problem." Think you'll agree she's right on that one. I could never help her when she became overwhelmed by a mood. Boy, did I try.

 

What I'm saying is that you're alone on this one. That's the nature of the disease. Ultimately, you're going to want to listen to yourself and hash out your own solutions. I think it's great you come here and ask us to give you a listen. It's absolutely wonderful because it means you have a dialog. The people here won't make your decisions for you, and you know that. That you discuss it indicates that you have options. This means you're free... And that's something to be happy about, isn't it?

 

You write so well. The ability to emote is a true talent.

[DaBladeRoden]

If you have friends and boyfriends and family perhaps you should talke to them about what you're feeling

[servedcold]

In addition to your writing style, something in your posts reminds me of a book I read many years ago, "L'Nausee," or "Nausea," Sartre's first novel. Are you familiar with it? In that book, Sartre seemed to be dealing with many of the same issues you are facing currently, but from a position of existential angst rather than mental illness (and there is lots of overlap there of course).

 

The nausea leads Sartre's autodidact protagonist to a higher state of awareness over time, due to wrestling with some of the same issues you are facing. That higher state allows us to manage the alienated world we all share. I found the book bleak but uplifting at the same time.

 

Sometimes I find life fairly bleak myself, and am comforted by uplifting memories of the past and the future to come. Seems like you are blocked somehow from that type of solace, is this the case? If so, why do you think that is?

 

Best wishes.

[NightLily]

In addition to your writing style, something in your posts reminds me of a book I read many years ago, "L'Nausee," or "Nausea," Sartre's first novel. Are you familiar with it? In that book, Sartre seemed to be dealing with many of the same issues you are facing currently, but from a position of existential angst rather than mental illness (and there is lots of overlap there of course).

 

 

I'm going to be checking out this book as well. Sounds really helpful.

[NightLily]

I hope you will be safe for the night!

[Yanet]

In addition to your writing style, something in your posts reminds me of a book I read many years ago, "L'Nausee," or "Nausea," Sartre's first novel. Are you familiar with it? In that book, Sartre seemed to be dealing with many of the same issues you are facing currently, but from a position of existential angst rather than mental illness (and there is lots of overlap there of course).

 

Sartre's conclusion involved a jump in logic. I was very disappointed when I read Nausea.

[Seymore]

Your exercise in living your day/week like it was your last is something I can relate to. I'd be lying if I said that I had fallen into as deep a depression as you have, or to the point where I needed to be medicated, but I think everyone has hit the crossroads at one point or another of "What's the point?"

 

There are so many negative factors out there that you could choose to stand out. I'm intrigued that you specifically mentioned work, the low pay, etc. I've definitely had jobs where I'd sit for 8 or more hours a day thinking about how much I hate it, and that 8 or more hours of feeling terrible EVERY day does not help in the least. I didn't have a degree yet (I was around your age at the time), and no regular job would take me even though I had the experience and talent, so I started my own side business doing something that I love to do. I got out there, promoted it, and while it wasn't STEADY work, it was something I loved, and something I actually looked forward to coming home from a crappy job to do. People appreciated my work and it paid well for the time I spent with it. And once I got an interview at a new place, I showed them my portfolio of all the work I did before I graduated - things I did at a time where the same company most likely wouldn't hire me because I didn't have a piece of paper saying I was good enough.

 

My point is, you don't need a specific item to let the world know you're good enough...for ANYTHING. You don't need a degree to tell everyone you're good at something. You don't need to be a ton of money to show everyone you're WORTH something. It's in the experience. Again, this is not necessarily related to work, but life.

 

The things you did when you would spend the week like it was your last gave you experience. I think you may not only have been glad that you made a goal and finished it, but you were also happy that you had those experiences.

 

I say this once in a while to people on these forums: You were born on earth. Therefore, you are human. You were born like everyone else - with strengths and weaknesses. Where you excel, others fail - in some aspect or another. The same as you feel weak, there are others who do as well. In that alone, you are definitely not alone.

 

At 20 years of age, the door to opportunities has yet to open - opportunities to love, opportunities to live for. When you're at your lowest, the only way there is to go is up. Not saying you have to hit the top of the mountain and achieve everything, but you have the choice to.

 

I've never posted in this section before, so I hope that what I have to say has been of some value to you.

[paintedfish]

Wow.. thank you everyone. I apologize for hopping off last night, my boyfriend came back in the room and since this site is just for me, I don't let him see that I'm on it.

 

I can't really talk to my family about this. My mom is a mess, my brother's a mess, my stepdad's a creep, and my dad has enough on his plate. My boyfriend is sick of my problems, for the most part. I even mention that my body has stopped feeling like my own, or sometimes that my hands and feet feel like they've grown three times their size, and he just rolls his eyes and hugs me half heartedly.

 

I had a philosophy class a few years ago... I don't remember if we got to Sartre or not... I do remember reading Descartes and being slightly more depressed after reading it. I will definitely pick it up if I'm at the bookstore anytime soon... it sounds fascinating.

 

I don't need a piece of paper to feel good enough. But I need SOMETHING that does. I have nothing. I try, I've tried. I fail miserably at everything I attempt, no matter how I stick with it. I feel talentless, ambitionless, and incredibly unlikable. It's just very tiring to fail so many times. Like I said, most people use that and run with it. They take their failings and learn and go on to something better and do stuff like start their own business or go to school to learn more about their passions. I just feel like every failure, every bit of shame, every episode, every mean word and every bit of rejection slices through me and takes a chunk of my soul with it. I feel like I'm stuck in the fetal position crying in my own head.

 

So my point is, maybe some people are just defective. People are quick to put down dogs with anxiety or hip pain or aggression. Why is my life any more valuable? There are billions of people out there. What would one less matter? It won't even show up in the statistics, won't throw off any numbers.

[NightLily]

"Maybe some people are defective"-

In my opinion, because we posses cognitive reasoning we are all equal with no objective authority. Within this spectrum there are obviously differences and outliers. Not fitting into the general society means that you could possibly be one of these outliers. For example: if you IQ was far above or below the majority you would find yourself possibly isolated. This would create the sense of being a dog on its last leg.

 

What is seen as a defect can lead to change because if everybody was simply normal or average, society would just maintain its status quo.

 

 

 

"What would one less matter?"

Here is something to think about: when you see a large group of birds flying together as if in perfect unison and with one brain, it can be difficult to discern the individual birds because they are both small and in the mix. But, it has been shown that each bird isn't aware of the movement of the whole group. They focus on those in their direct vicinity. If you took out one bird, the observer would most likely never notice. However, they are important and do impact the movement of their local environment.

[ReadyToGo]

 

As far as depression goes... and medication... I've given up on that for a few reasons. I can no longer afford it, and I no longer felt I needed it. I never got a concise diagnosis (ranging from OCD to Bipolar to Schizoaffective and on) and have lost faith in institutions as a means of help. I certainly do not want to be a slave to medication and their repercussions all my life, nor do I want to deal with paranoia and hallucinations and volatile mood swings.

 

 

Hi Paintedfish,

 

I feel many similarities to how you feel. In my case, I'm so tired of jumping from job to job, tired of caring. Anyhow, I recently wrote in another post about why I don't seek professional help for my "depression", or whatever you want to call it:

A core reason I do not seek professional help is the lack of anononimity. Anytime a patient seeks treatment for depression, or any mental or physical ailment, a doctor's treatment becomes a permanent blotch on both our financial and personal history.

 

I do not say this because I am a conspiracy theorist, but because I am an insurance agent in California, and when our customers purchase life insurance or any financial product, they have to sign waivers allowing our actuary teams (underwriters) to review their "metal state". Along with blood and urine tests, the underwriters determine if the person is a good risk financially. To get a loan, an annuity or even to become an insurance agent, your entire medical history is one of the most important aspects an organization looks at to make their determination about you.

 

It amazes me that our society believes that our medical records are sealed and secure. Any contact we have with our physicians are permanently documented, and can be released, voluntary or involuntary. Even here, if someone (or organization) is determined enough, it would be easy for them to find out who the author is of a given post is.

 

With the lack of anononimity, and my previous experiences with seeking professional help, I imagine that I will continue the life I have planned to live out.

 

I am reading more and more posts each day, and this is quite a place that gives relief. Thank you so much for caring. This is a wonderful place.

 

I realize this doesn't cheer things up, this idea that nothing is kept private, but it is the world we live in, for now at least

 

Write back soon.

[Seymore]

There are billions of people out there. What would one less matter?

 

Can you possibly imagine if Albert Einstein, Ghandi, Abraham Lincoln, etc. said that? Do you think that at 20 years old, half of the people who have achieved great things in their lives had any clue what they would become, let alone what they were capable of?

I'm sure many of them were struggling to find purpose in their lives, especially in their younger years.

 

Again, it's not all about achieving GREAT things, but just to give perspective on the fact that you really can't see the road ahead.

 

We all have an impact on the world, and you're somebody as well. You may find that you leave an impression on those around you more than you realize, and not a bad one, as you may choose to believe.

[servedcold]

So my point is, maybe some people are just defective.

 

Maybe some people are defective, you obviously aren't though. No one with your clarity of expression could ever be considered defective.

 

Life will kick you. Kick back, gather up some righteous defiance and anger, let those feelings be your fuel. Have a yell, break something. Then make a plan to create the world as you want it to be, not as it happens to you. Will it to be. It is tough, but the results will infuse you with power.

[paintedfish]

Maybe some people are off to great things. I see most of them at school, talk to old friends who are struggling and triumphing. What's so wrong with me, then? Why am I stuck in the place I am?

 

For every Einstein, for every brave Ghandi that will emerge into their own right and change the world, there are millions of people whose name you will never know. Thousands that you will meet whose name you will never remember. 50 year old men and women that are managers of fast food restaurants, or pot-smoking computer techs that live in their parent's basement looking up "Barely Legal" porn, or the "deadbeat" you see sleeping outside the Salvation army on the cold pavement. A million nameless, ambition-less people whose spark went out years ago, and are merely living because of the instinct to preserve life. There are also millions that DO try, and though they never become famous, or change the world, they are still... satisfied... with what they've accomplished, but are still, to the world, unremarkable. 50 years after they're gone, perhaps a photo album and some old jewelry is all that's left of their noble struggle.

 

So where do I see myself falling? A nameless nothing, who struggled in vain to keep her head above the water. Flailing along the border of mediocre and "come on, you can try harder than that." Drifting through life half-heartedly trying to fill the void that the passion of my younger days left in me, doing what I have to to live. I don't want grandiosity, that's not what I'm saying. I just don't feel like there is much I have in my power to make my life anything but surviving. I feel talentless, and directionless, and lately, pretty misanthropic as well. Towards specific people and humanity as a whole.

 

I would kick back against life, but I don't know where to aim.

[servedcold]

I would kick back against life, but I don't know where to aim.

 

Say something nice to someone you don't know very well tomorrow, something sincere that you may have thought before but didn't vocalize. Get back to us on their response. I dare you.

 

I am the king of the misanthropes myself, but have found a few safe harbors in people out there. I went through something difficult today, and two friends called to try and help. It only takes a few real ones.

[paintedfish]

I'm afraid there aren't too many people that would like hearing from me at this point. I think I have too much resentment in me to actually do that. I will give it some thought, though. Try to think of something that won't betray my bitterness, and won't make me want to vomit with unease either.

 

 

 

 

Haha, isn't it sad that even CONSIDERING it made my skin crawl? A few years ago, I wouldn't have had a problem with this. I used to compliment people on things no one else would notice. I would go out of my way to help others and seek out different ways I could make them know they were appreciated. I wonder when that changed? I wonder why it changed?

 

 

 

I've been reading up on Sartre since it was brought up. I do like it, but it does sort of sound like the things I think. Which just makes me write it off as someone who got famous for having an unambitious, existential crisis because he had nothing else to occupy his mind. Maybe I just need to read more. I usually love philosophy in most forms, so thank you for pointing me towards it!

[servedcold]

That was his -first- novel, certainly not what he was known for, and his real "fame" actually came from ripping off Heidegger, so touche'. The hidden agenda behind suggesting some 20th century existentialism is that after plodding through all the angst and coming out the other end of the tunnel, it is an empowering and liberating way of thinking.