BCC123 Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Ex and I broke up a year ago, he did it because he wanted to be single, grass is greener etc etc. for the past 3 months we've been talking everyday and have been exclusively hooking up with only each other and i thought we were on the path to getting back together. he says he just doesnt want to commit but he doesnt see whats wrong with how we are now. he says he thinks we're more than friends and we do have a thing. but lately hes been distancing himself. we used to hang out everyday and now its only 2 or 3 times a week. my question is: how come i can spend the whole day with my ex, itd be a great day, we've have sex, just cuddle, go out to eat, talk and connect and he'd say the sweetest things, then the next day he doesnt even text or call and when i text he doesnt respond for a while and they are just short and to the point. ie: wednesday my ex and i hung out all day. we got food, ran errands, had sex, cuddled, all that. i said "what r ur friends all doing? playing bball?" and he says "yeah probably" i replied "why dont u go play with them" he says "because i like where i am" and we're sitting there and hes wiping makeup off my face, staring in my eyes, asking me to come lay my head on him when he drops me off its very sweet, we kiss, he says i'll text you tonight or tomorrow! etc etc. then thursday he doesnt text all day so i texted him, short quick convo, he stopped it originally. then i text back later and he doesnt respond so i have to keep texting and finally he responds and does the same thing. so i tell him to text me tomrrow since hes busy and he didnt text friday at all. all day. we'll see if he texts or calls me today does he not mean those nice days with me? i think hes just two different people when hes with me and when hes not with me. what do i think of this? should i stop having this thing with him? Link to comment
BCC123 Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 yeah, ive thought about that, and its NOT just cause i dont want to hear it but my ex and i dated for 3 years, both of us have not gotten in a relationship since the break up a year ago, we've always been in contact, not by my choice. we've never gone NC for more than 2 weeks because he will always contact me at least once. i truly dont think hed try to hurt me, i brought up a relationship talk last weekend (which i regret because it make him mad) and he said hes not trying to hurt me, that he loves how we are now. he even said if this thing we have is hurting me then we should stop because thats not what hes trying to do i mean if hes not getting with any other girls, why am i so concerned when he doesnt text me for a whole day. should i really be upset if i dont hear from him? he prpobably just wants to be with his friends for a day. right? Link to comment
chaosa Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 He loves the way you are now....ya that means he wants his cake and eat it too. He doesn't want to be committed to you because then he'd actually have to worry about your feelings. It's your decision to stay with a man who won't commit, but you can't be upset when he doesn't contact you. He has no obligation to you. Link to comment
Rob1000 Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Here's an excerpt from a book I once read. "How do you make someone want something? Interesting question, isn’t it? Do you offer it to them? Do you tell them how great it is? Do you try to convince them first? How do you do it? You might think that diamonds and gold are precious and expensive because they’re ‘beautiful’, but in fact their value comes from their scarcity… What originally made them interesting, what originally made them beautiful, and what originally made people WANT them was that there was nothing else like them. Coal and diamonds are both made of carbon, but the former is cheap and latter is expensive because one is harder to find than the other. To keep yourself valued and attractive, keep yourself rare. What’s most “precious” to us is what we both value and think is rare… and therefore think that it might not always be available. And, interestingly enough, we humans don’t seem to become more attracted to what we desired once we actually get it. In fact, we become less attracted. Before we get something we want, it is going to make us better than we are now so we’re attracted to it. After we have it, it becomes a part of us and no longer better than us. We get used to it and don’t value it as much—unless something goes wrong. Getting KILLS wanting." Now apply a bit of this to your situation and you might just see the tables turn a little. Link to comment
BCC123 Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 thats a good way to think of it, thanks rob. so are you saying i should say no to him every once in a while? because i know i should be i simply cant. do u think i should make myself less available? Link to comment
Girl wants EX Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 For sure he likes you to stay with you, and not look for someone else. But it's possible that you two are no longer in the honeymoon period, so he doesn't have that big of desire to always stick with you, since you are ex to each other. Just my guess. I don't think he intends to play you, but he wants something casual and he is fine with what he gets from you: No responsibility, no pressure, and lots of fun. As long as you can accept this situation, he will continue doing it, for sure. In another word, "he is just not that into you". In your corner. Link to comment
odile Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 You are being played. i second that Gotta say-- I third that. Not hearing from him for "a whole day" is a whole different thing from what you said in your original post: lately hes been distancing himself. we used to hang out everyday and now its only 2 or 3 times a week. Two or three times a week is still a good amount of time, but what's upsetting is that he switches "off" when he's not around you. More importantly-- You may have dated for 3 years, but after all that time the guy still isn't committed to even declaring boyfriend/girlfriend status? This is not a good sign. He doesn't want to be tied down. I'm sorry to say it, but it sounds like you're the fallback girl. Whether or not he's seeing anyone else (and I dare say he probably is), that cowboy's got his eyes wide open for greener pastures. If you are sincerely okay with a casual involvement, then that's your choice, but I really don't think you can hope for anything more from him. If that's not what'll make you happy in the long run, you'll be better off cutting your losses now, and giving yourself a chance to find some greener pastures of your own. Link to comment
Girl wants EX Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 A lot of couples stay together after many years of relationship just because they don't want to feel lonely. I think it's not fair to come to a conclusion that this guy is playing her. If someone doesn't want to be alone so reaching out to an ex he/she likes or trusts but without commitment, if thinking in this way, a lot of people are actually being played. I think relationship is more complicated than that, not only 2 definitions-- "being serious" or "palying", there can be something in between. However, it depends to what level you can allow the other treat you randomly. If you look for the same fun and personal space, then you won't consider him "playing" you. Link to comment
odile Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 A lot of couples stay together after many years of relationship just because they don't want to feel lonely. You've just said it yourself, GirlWantsEx. Do you really think that settling like that is enough to make a good relationship? I think it's not fair to come to a conclusion that this guy is playing her. If someone doesn't want to be alone so reaching out to an ex he/she likes or trusts but without commitment, if thinking in this way, a lot of people are actually being played. I think relationship is more complicated than that, not only 2 definitions-- "being serious" or "palying", there can be something in between. However, it depends to what level you can allow the other treat you randomly. If you look for the same fun and personal space, then you won't consider him "playing" you. I hear what you're saying here, and it's no different than what I was trying to say: That he's not going to commit, and if you're okay with being in an open relationship, or a casual relationship, then by all means-- stay. Just be sure you're on the same page. However, if you want something more-- and he knows it-- then yes, my dear, he is playing. Link to comment
Girl wants EX Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Well, if this girl does't say her real intention loud enough to her ex, how could he suppose to know what exactly she wants? he may assume she wants the same thing as he does--something casual, since she must also seemed enjoying the current relationship. So, she can choose to be strong and be honest with herself, or to be weak and stay with him, if commitment is really what she wants. We all need to figure out what we actually want in the first place, then decide what to do in our personal life. In this way, we might avoid confusion. Just personal opinion. Link to comment
whatatodo Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 This is SO hard as I've just stopped this from happening to me and I'm devastated!! For me, I wanted more and asked him if we were 'together' and he more or less said no... I could have gone on with the way things were, and I'm kicking myself now that I even rocked the boat asking, but I did it for a reason. I work with him so I have to see him everyday. Since finishing it he seems to be making more of an effort, I just wish he would turn around and say he misses me and he wants me back... but I don't think it's going to happen and I hate that. What I also hate is facing up to the reality that he really was having his cake and eating it. What's rubbish is that I want to go out to find someone else, and there are fab plans for tonight but I'm missing him so much I don't feel like it I miss him SO much... but also feeling rubbish that I wasn't 'good enough'... I just want him to turn around and say he wants me. The other big point is that I'm missing our sex!? I know that sounds bad but it's true.... Link to comment
penelope13 Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 i boils down to this: you have to decide what you want out of this relationship (whatever label you have put on it) and express that to him. If he doesn't want to give you what you want, you have to decide if you can live with what he is offering you, otherwise you have to take yourself out of the equation. Just sticking around will not induce him to change his mind. You have dated him officially 3 years and an additional year has not been sufficient for him to commit to you. As long as you are staying with him you give him the signal that you are agreeing with his commitment level, no matter if you complain to him about it from time to time. Consequences are what induces people to make choices. Link to comment
Girl wants EX Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Whatatodo: I will share with you my experience. I was so obsessed that my ex dumped me and I felt like I was not good enough. I wanted him back so badly so I could get some recognition. I also missed the intimacy with him a lot. After trying a little to reconcile with him, I realized it wouldn't work out as I'm still not wanted and desirable for him. So in order to ease my pain and my desire for him, I offered to have something casual with him. You know what, after did that once with him, I become more confident about myself, as I know I'm still someone attractive (he enjoyed the meeting and tried to please me like the 1st date).But there is still not enough connection between me and him. Anyway, I feel much better and less obsessive about him. Now I don't even care anymore if I will meet him again or not, eventhough I still think about him but it doesn't mean I still need him. Someone in this forum said "Getting KILLS Wanting". I guessed I feel I have got something from him, so he appears less attractive now, lol... Link to comment
justmyview Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Whatatodo, in stopping what was essentially a 'friend with benefit" arrangement, you have now put a value on yourself. When you were doing FWB, his attitude was 'why buy the cow, when you can get the milk for free'? That's why he wouldn't commit. And now the milk comes with a price. Will he be prepared to pay for it? Only time, they way you value/conduct yourself and the way he values you will tell. I'm not saying that he is going to turn round and say, 'I want you, I miss you....I'm ready to be in a relationship with you'. But, you stand a far greater chance of that happening now that you have stopped giving yourself to him for free. It's interesting that he is, in your words, "making more of an effort" now. I know you feel pain now, but I think it'll be short term and worth the sacrifice to be in something infinitely more fulfiling that what you had with him. Suffer this pain now - to either make him really want and value you or to find someone who will treasure you. Trust me, it's worth it. Link to comment
whatatodo Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Thank you 'justmyview' it's exactly how I feel and it's good to hear someone else say it. I'm so pleased this site exists, however I do feel like I'm slightly obsessed with it at the mo!! Link to comment
BCC123 Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 i see exactly what everyone means, and mostly every time i post about our situation i get the same response, i just have to make myself do it. some people consider being in a relationship as being exclusively intimate with only each other, which me and my ex are and that confuses me a lot i guess. i told him i was worried about summer and didnt think we could last and he asked why summer would change anything. i guess we'll have to wait and see i wouldnt exactly say im being "played" i know he wouldnt hurt me and those are not his intentions at all. right now im just trying to match his committment. im trying to show him that i can be fun and trust him. when we first started talking about in january he said that hes not looking for a relationship with anyone else, because if he wanted to be in one itd be with me and he just needs to see if we can be friends first without the conflict. but we have been and only last week twice did i screw things up and let my emotions get in the way for the first time. i guess i was doing a lot of things for him and expected more. see i dont know if it is him with the problem or if im just expecting too much? i see him enough i think and i think im trying to go back to the time we were dating and spent everyday together. i think i am asking too much and right now im just trying not to pressure him and let him feel comfortable and that i trust him. Link to comment
whatatodo Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 These words sound exactly as if I were writing them. EXACTLY the same!! It's SO hard, I wish I could advise you, all I will say is that I'm devastated at it being over... I shouldn't have pushed him as now I have nothing... I thought I wasn't happy with the way things the way they were but I KNEW he wasn't seeing anyone else... now it's finished he probably will be!? I wish I could turn back time to this time last week... no, to last Friday!! Link to comment
BCC123 Posted March 28, 2009 Author Share Posted March 28, 2009 whattodo are you saying i should keep things the way they are because ill be sad if they end, which i know i will be. i know i have the move on eventually and if things do die i think i can handle the pain and move on rather quickly, i have a lot of friends and can stay busy. Link to comment
whatatodo Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 Only you can decide, and I know you know that... All I know is looking at it as someone who made the decision to end it, I'm pointing out the obvious that you'll be so upset when/if you do. People tell me it's better now than however many months down the line, which is true, but I, like you, know the guy in question and you don't doubt what he's telling you or how is with you when you're together. It's SO hard. I just want to know what he's up to and I'm really struggling with NC. I just want to text him but have NO idea what I'd say!? Sorry I can't be more help, but just know that I know EXACTLY how you feel and it's not easy!!x Link to comment
catfeeder Posted March 28, 2009 Share Posted March 28, 2009 You are being played. Yep. I've read this whole thread, and I'm sticking by my position as the one who fourths this? Fifths this? Anyway ... rationalize it however you want. All the pretzels in the world won't make it into something else. Link to comment
BCC123 Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 UPDATE: please respond if you've already responded last night (saturday night) he came to thise party i was at, we left together and he was giving me a ride home and we started fooling around. i asked "do u think that this is bad" and he replies with something cocky like "no, we're just being honest because i know u want it and u know i do" and i said "well you dont think its bad that we dont talk for a whole day and then we hang out and we're already fooling around" and he said "you can say no, and when we were talking the other day u said that if we were dating we wouldnt have to talk everyday" - i did say this. but we're not dating. why would he bring that up? is that good or bad he would say something like that? Link to comment
odile Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 UPDATE: please respond if you've already responded last night (saturday night) he came to thise party i was at, we left together and he was giving me a ride home and we started fooling around. i asked "do u think that this is bad" and he replies with something cocky like "no, we're just being honest because i know u want it and u know i do" and i said "well you dont think its bad that we dont talk for a whole day and then we hang out and we're already fooling around" and he said "you can say no, and when we were talking the other day u said that if we were dating we would have to talk everyday" - i did say this. but we're not dating. why would he bring that up? is that good or bad he would say something like that? It sounds to me like he's reiterating what we've been saying, and what he's said before: He's been "honest" in terms of what he's wiling to give...which is not very much at all. He's also made it clear what he is more than willing to take-- if you'll let him. He feels like because he's made no bones about it, that the choice is yours. I agree with him. You can stay and let him have your cake for nothing, or you can take your cake and tell him he's not entitled to it anymore. Link to comment
BCC123 Posted March 30, 2009 Author Share Posted March 30, 2009 yeah, true but im wondering why he would bring that up at all, like maybe hes testing me out to get in a relationship. i just dont know why he would refer to us dating out of no where like that Link to comment
odile Posted March 30, 2009 Share Posted March 30, 2009 yeah, true but im wondering why he would bring that up at all, like maybe hes testing me out to get in a relationship. i just dont know why he would refer to us dating out of no where like that If he wanted more, he wouldn't have been so oblique about it. I think he brought it up to remind you that you aren't in one. Basically to remind you not to make any demands or have any expectations of him. Link to comment
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