THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[asty]

I'm on day 6 of NC. Broken up for about a month now. I did break it for one text message which I do not believe counts. Ex asked me 2 days ago if I was safe after an earthquake and I responded that I was. That is the only message I have sent back. She also sent me a congrats message in addition to this because I just received a very important professional certification. I believe she found out about it because she is friends with my mom on facebook (shaking my head). Did not respond to that message.

 

I do believe the message asking me if I was safe was a bit of a "feeler" to see if I would initiate a conversation. I had been doing so in the past but realized I was doing myself no good trying to be her friend. There wasn't a single injury reported anywhere in my state due to the earthquake according to the news. We do not live near the epicenter.

 

It's been tough. I'm living in a house I bought with the 2 of us in mind and we were planning on moving in together (we are in our 20's) and everything still reminds me of her. Her closet, her bathroom sink, her side of the bed. We even bought a puppy together exactly a year before breaking up (living with me). The thing is I do believe that this has to be about 10x harder on her. We both made mistakes in the relationship but I know that she knows that I'm a huge catch and that I was always there for her. Meanwhile, each day...or hour I should say...I sort of flip flop on whether or not I think she actually deserves me.

[calichick007]

I contemplated just leaving the stuff on his doorstep with a note, and instructions…

 

Ooh. Pleeeeeease do not do this!

[RitaTrue]

I'm on day 6 of NC. Broken up for about a month now. I did break it for one text message which I do not believe counts. Ex asked me 2 days ago if I was safe after an earthquake and I responded that I was. That is the only message I have sent back.

 

That was very kind of you to do.

 

It's been tough. I'm living in a house I bought with the 2 of us in mind and we were planning on moving in together (we are in our 20's) and everything still reminds me of her. Her closet, her bathroom sink, her side of the bed. We even bought a puppy together exactly a year before breaking up (living with me). The thing is I do believe that this has to be about 10x harder on her. We both made mistakes in the relationship but I know that she knows that I'm a huge catch and that I was always there for her. Meanwhile, each day...or hour I should say...I sort of flip flop on whether or not I think she actually deserves me.

 

Why do you wonder this, if the relationship has ended (unless I've missed something here)?

[asty]

Day 7.

 

Why do you wonder this, if the relationship has ended (unless I've missed something here)?

 

My story here:

 

I can't really give you a solid answer to that question. I mean I say it because this is the "getting back together" forum haha. I guess I'm 50/50 on what I feel right now for her.

 

I guess just the situation of the break up makes me say that. We sort of ended things on a "we both just need to take a break." She admits she is too immature for me and I am growing up too fast for her. Obviously there are huge trust issues that we have to overcome if a reconciliation is possible. We spoke shortly about a possible get together about a week before I went NC. She had given me her brother's phone number because she still wanted us to hang out together at the football games we have season tickets for. I texted her and said let's just both go to the game and have some fun together...stop talking about problems with the relationship for a day and just see if we have fun together. she called me and basically said she knows if we hang out together "now" then we will have a lot of fun, and then just end up going back to my place, hooking up, and being on our way to continue the same destruction we had started. Complete with me not being able to trust her, etc.

 

So basically the vibe I got from her and her family made it feel like a bit of a hiatus at first. However, I decided to go NC because I need to find clarity. As time has gone on it's felt more and more like a real break up and that is fine with me since I wouldn't change a thing about who I was in the relationship. As another poster said in my thread, I need to figure out if I really want her or if I'm just clinging to the past.

[DesMoines]

heh...isn't it obvious that it's not worth it?

 

 

Ah…you may be right….but I guess it wasn't so obvious to me, chiefly because I'm not doing NC to play mind games at this point.

I'm not just giving the silent treatment so he'll think about me and wonder, and eventually get curious and contact me. No, I made the conscious decision to tell him I couldn't have the constant anxiety of seeing him, or talking to him, and especially hanging out with him in 'date' settings without the possibility of dating.

 

I guess, well, I'm doing NC ONLY for my own well-being, and I thought that perhaps, since that was the case, it was less black and white as to whether I could take the time to collaborate with him.

That's the reason I was looking for opinions, I guess.

 

But, you might be spot on.

I don't know…

 

Thanks for the response though!

[asty]

Ah…you may be right….but I guess it wasn't so obvious to me, chiefly because I'm not doing NC to play mind games at this point.

I'm not just giving the silent treatment so he'll think about me and wonder, and eventually get curious and contact me. No, I made the conscious decision to tell him I couldn't have the constant anxiety of seeing him, or talking to him, and especially hanging out with him in 'date' settings without the possibility of dating.

 

I guess, well, I'm doing NC ONLY for my own well-being, and I thought that perhaps, since that was the case, it was less black and white as to whether I could take the time to collaborate with him.

That's the reason I was looking for opinions, I guess.

 

But, you might be spot on.

I don't know…

 

Thanks for the response though!

 

Trust me, I know where you are coming from. It's a * * * * * . I've got jewelry that I bought my ex years ago that is still sitting at the store because it was being repaired (clasp broke). They called 2 days after I went NC to tell me it's ready. Haven't gone to pick it up yet and I refuse to break NC just to give her back a gift I was trying to get fixed for her. It's valuable, it belongs to her, and one day I will return it to her, but I am more worried about me right now. Took me a lot of thinking to decide it's not worth making contact just to return it. Just like my ex's jewelry, a dress for a wedding is just not important in the grand scheme of things.

[RitaTrue]

I agree with that.

Focus on yourself a little more. Get back to being yourself again. After some weeks of doing this, you'll have better hindsight into what your desires and expectations are, and what settling would be for you.

 

I recommend making a pro's and con's list for possible reconciliation. That's my style of thinking anyway. I like things to be laid out, in black and white.

For instance,

 

Getting back together:

Pro: You'll have the girl that you still care for.

Con: The issues that led up to this break up will still be evident in the relationship, and may lead to another future break up, for the same reasons, if both parties don't do anything differently.

 

PS, as far as what you want in a partner, how much do you feel like you're settling with her?

 

Just a thought.

[kaput]

Day one:

 

Well, the start of. I text you kisses last night when i left the bar. You replied with kisses.

 

Let's see if you text over the weekend.

 

Some how i doubt it though. Out in town tonight, amy's tomorrow and clubbing sunday to monday with your mates.

 

A week ago you told me you love me. We shared a bed. Did it mean something or is it all part of some kind of elaborate let-down?

 

You initiated contact for 4 consecutive days leading up to it.

 

Was it too much too soon?

 

I dont really know the answers to these questions and neither, i suspect, do you. So for now, i will give you some space. Even though i really feel like i'm going to lose you this weekend.

 

All i know is i miss you jo. Just hope you will give me a chance to right my wrongs.

 

The silly thing? That i will see you on Tuesday at work and will be right back to day 1 again. And again. And again.....

[RitaTrue]

Day 17.

 

I randomly ran accross my ex's love notes today. FML.

 

I didnt have the balls to open them. It hurts me to look at them. It makes me remember the good old days. This reminds me: I need to do a thorough purging of all his stuff, and not just purge the things I can immediately see, like his facebook--but EVERYTHING. I dont understand. I'm more than 2 weeks NC, I shouldnt be hesitating on this.

[kaput]

Day 1: (still)

 

 

I honestly thought you would text me last night.

 

Maybe you took someone back to your place. Maybe your friend "v" said something to persuade you that you dont need me in your life? I've got a feeling that's what you will think after this weekend anyway.

 

Who could blame you really- funny, smart, kind, loving, confident, so, so attractive. You could have anyone.

 

I'm only posting here so I dont text you. But should I even worry about contct with you? You told me we should do what comes naturally and what feels right at the time.

 

I'm so confused.

[asty]

Day 8

 

This hasn't been fun. Lately I can't keep all the good memories out of my head. There is a path behind my house that leads through the woods and around a lake...ultimately to a few bars and a coffee shop. We used to walk it quite a bit together, whether we were going out on Friday night or taking the dog for a walk on a Sunday morning with a stop for coffee. Walked it this morning, got a little choked up but this is my neighborhood and I have to just suck it up and grow a pair. Speaking of our dog, I had to take her to the vet yesterday since it was 2 weeks post surgery...time to get stitches removed. I noticed the day we got her was on the client forms I was going through while I was waiting for the vet...7/22/2010. I realized yesterday that we broke up exactly one year after we brought our dog home. Damn. Brought back a pretty rough memory...I can still see her sitting in the passenger seat next to me on the long drive home with my baby Siberian Husky in her lap. No regrets though.

 

My old college roommate was back in town last night. He moved to NY for med school but said the city is such a mess due to this hurricane on the way that he just wanted to get out for the weekend. Dude is my best and oldest friend. He's known me through 2 serious breakups now, I actually met him through the ex I had when I was 18 or so. We talked about a lot of stuff related to the break up. He too says there's no way that she won't show up again one day, but told me he thought I would be stupid to take her back. Basically he said she doesn't appreciate all the things I've done for her, and that it's a * * * * * move on my part to allow her to tell me she is being taken for granted when it's clearly been the opposite. There were a lot of examples he laid out for me. I mean I have known him for about 7 years and he was there the night my ex and I first met. The stuff he said really hit home. A lot of it is the same stuff my other friends have said in the last few weeks but it didn't carry the same weight until it came from him. I still haven't been able to do the pro/con list yet. I think I already know that the cons side of the list is going to be too big to reconcile this relationship. Still, I wonder what her list would look like for me though.

[asty]

[Forewarning..theres a hurricane outside so I've been at the house drinking most of the day.]

 

I'm not really sure where I should post these updates...either in my thread or this. I decided to post in this thread because I am choosing to take part in the NC challenge because I think it will help me break emotional ties with my ex and think rationally.

 

My mom called this morning. Ex is sending her facebook message(s). I don't even have a facebook but I HATE THAT SITE. I do not know the contents beyond "checking in-ish". Mom volunteered to forward but I don't want to see it. I don't doubt that she is resorting to this because of the lack of response she's heard from me. In a strange way it makes me feel good that at 9pm on a friday night my Ex was sending a message to my mom at the computer but I'm trying to focus on me and not her. I asked my mom to defriend/block my ex this morning but she won't, but also promised she won't respond. I'm actually pretty pissed that she won't defriend/block. F**K this situation. I guess I am being a hypocrite since I hung out with my ex's family members but * * * . Her mom sought me out and she pushed me and her brother to hang out at the games (and then he invited himself to my house because I live near a concert venue). My mom lives 500 miles away and I see her less than twice a year. The idea of knowing she's receiving messages from my ex while trying to give me objective advice pisses me off beyond belief. I agreed over a month ago with my ex's mom that there would be no more talking because family wasn't involved. I think there is a lot of family with mutual love that wants to see us together but this makes me sick to my stomach. Need my family on my side and just doing what I say right now. No being friends with ex on FB. Sending a strong message that it is not appropriate to seek out contact. I have never sought out contact, it came on me!

 

Today is a 100% "I don't want to be with her" day. Felt like that when I woke up.

[RitaTrue]

Dear Ex,

Thought about you yesterday, but fortunately, it was just when I was bored. But last night, I was lonely and in the mood for love. I fantasized about you. About us. But then, at the end, I realized that none of that would happen. Ever.

 

Ex, I'm extremely grateful for our time together, and your positive qualities. How you accepted my body and its quirks, and took delight in them. And your happy disposition. But, I know I'll find all that again--God willing. I know that when the time's right, I'll find another guy who accepts me for me, who I'm actually compatable with, and has life goals similar to mine. And *gasp* who will actually SUPPORT me in them. Instead of blatantly saying that they'd be unsupporting and that their "only compromise was allowing me to believe what I wanted." *Shutters*

 

A part of me hopes you're ok. Another part of me hopes you're having a sh*tty time.

[kaput]

Day 2:

 

Yay i got here! Oh wait, no I didnt, you rang me in your pocket by accident yesterday.

 

You laughed and send me a heart and kisses back when i sent a text to tell you.

 

So.

 

Day 1:

 

Really missing you today. I had another dream about you last night. I wonder if I will always dream of you.

 

I hope you have a good time this weekend. Wish i was coming with you baby. Feel like tonight is the night i will lose you.

 

It's going to take some mega resolve not to contact you tonight, it really is. I might do another half day update and say whatever it is i want to say in this thread.

 

Maybe i will hear from you Monday at some point. I hope so.

 

Love you baby

[gamergirl]

Day 1 of NC (again)

 

I've tried this so many times. Last time it lasted for a week, then you contacted me asking about something I wanted to borrow from you. I had forgot about that and was so happy you wrote. I waited a few hours, then replied I didn't needed that thing any longer. You never wrote back so I started contacting you again, trying to be friendly.

 

I now know you kissed someone last night. You've been in the same class as her for the past year. Perhaps you've even liked her for that long? You left me 26 of June, and I'm still deeply in love with you. You know I still have feeling for you, I told you that. You just said: "Okay". Damn it! How can you move on so fast?!

 

We've known each other for SIX YEARS! Been a couple for 4,5! Doesn't that mean anything to you? And why have you changed your lifestyle? You're partying all the time, drinking a lot with friends and you seem so happy without me. Are you really happy? I don't know.

 

I just know I can't take it anymore. I feel horrible...

 

I have nothing to loose by going NC. I don't know how I'm gonna survive it though. I pray that I will... because I am a good person and deserve to be happy!

[jeepman41]

I know you are hurting as it shows in your words. But if you use NC, you will get better in time. In the early stages after the breakup, it is indeed the hardest. I know as I've been there.

 

If you are strong and persevere, in time you will be able to look back on this as you will not seem or feel like the same person. I know you have it in you to do this.

[mending23]

First post. We broke up about three weeks ago and all i've done is beg and try to get her back....we haven't spoke since Tuesday, however, I just found this forum and I think it's a great idea for my psyche and especially for her because she will be able to focus "on her" for awhile as she said. We had fought for a couple months about life differences (where to live, how to raise children, etc.) and she doesn't believe that will change. I was so deeply in love with her but the fighting finally reached a point and I ended it...I regret it but it is what it is. I've felt like complete crap over the past three weeks and can't sleep plus I don't each that much anymore. I have been keeping myself busy by boxing and trying to go out with friends more. I think about her on almost a minute to minute basic but obviously try to keep my mind focused elsewhere. We work together so that doesn't help either.

 

We spoke on Monday for about four hours and she told me that "she wasn't 100% into the relationship and didn't know if she was in love with me anymore" ...that's what is helping me along with this. If she doesn't know if she is in love with me than maybe time will help or maybe it will help her move onto someone else. I want her back more than anything so if time works then terrific, however, if it doesn't I just want her to be happy.

 

Today I am running errands with my aunt, going to play softball, and then heading out to dinner.

[mending23]

Day 2. As I said previously we work together so I am trying my hardest not to run into her. I am going to dinner w some friends tonight.

 

I am feeling...odd. I am torn between the realization that she won't be in my life anymore and the fact that I want her back so badly. You can't force someone to be with you but I am hoping so much that she will wake up one of these weeks and call me so we can talk about everything and start working towards the ultimate goal of being together. Is that healthy to think that way? Probably not...so that is why I am so torn.

[mending23]

Day 2. As I said previously we work together so I am trying my hardest not to run into her. I am going to dinner w some friends tonight.

 

I am feeling...odd. I am torn between the realization that she won't be in my life anymore and the fact that I want her back so badly. You can't force someone to be with you but I am hoping so much that she will wake up one of these weeks and call me so we can talk about everything and start working towards the ultimate goal of being together. Is that healthy to think that way? Probably not...so that is why I am so torn.

 

Unfortunately, right after me writing this she emailed me to tell my something that happened over the weekend. Ugh, I folded and responded. Now I feel like "OH SHES THINKING ABOUT ME?!" ...lame. I really, really shouldn't have responded. Now it's back to day one.

[gamergirl]

Day 2

 

It's been two months since you left me. I'll always been there waiting for you for 2 years before you said you loved me and we became a couple for 4,5 years. So... I don't know if this is going to work.

I think you might need time alone, flirt around a little, focus on your career. That's the impression I got anyways.

 

I know you'll call me soon to pick the last of you stuff up. Damn it! That will break my NC, right?

[T413]

Day 8

 

I've had a great weekend with my family but my ex has been in my thoughts constantly. I wonder if this will ever fade. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting my life back on track and other times I wonder how the world can keep turning when I feel such utter misery. I keep reminiscing about what we doing together this time last year. I know he doesn't miss me and I know he doesn't want me but Day 8 does feel good.

[jeepman41]

Day 8

 

I've had a great weekend with my family but my ex has been in my thoughts constantly. I wonder if this will ever fade. Sometimes I feel like I'm getting my life back on track and other times I wonder how the world can keep turning when I feel such utter misery. I keep reminiscing about what we doing together this time last year. I know he doesn't miss me and I know he doesn't want me but Day 8 does feel good.

 

 

 

If you've gotten this far you are doing good with NC but it is still early and the way you feel is normal in the beginning. You will have days like this when you ride a wave of emotions. Does he miss you? That's hard to say. But it shouldn't matter right now. You are doing NC to help yourself heal. That is what is most important.

[gamergirl]

Day 3

 

This works great for me. Writing here instead of contacting you. Today I'm also seeing a doctor who I hope can help me get myself back on track.

These last two months have been the worst of my life. I just can't seem to let go of the past. I remember everything we did, I also remember all the bad times and how silly they seem now. Why did I get upset about those things? Stupid, stupid, stupid.

 

I miss you so much and I hope it will be you and me sometime in the future. I just want to be happy and not feel sad anymore. But the thoughts of you moving on without me makes me feel sick... even though I just want you to be happy I still hate you for what you gave up. We did have a wonderful relationship and I can't believe you didn't want to fight for it. You just gave up. I hate you for that...

 

Well, day three of NC. I made it past one week last month until you broke it asking if I wanted to borrow a thing of yours. I didn't, but started contacting you again. I feel so stupid for doing that. I can't heal with you in my life and I feel so alone and so lost without you...

 

I need to learn to have faith in myself again. I'm not sure how though...

[mending23]

Day 1 - again.

 

I had trouble sleeping all because my dreams were about you again just from one email from you yesterday. It's that easy? It's funny how deep i've shoved my love for you yet just want to yell it from the rooftops. It's back to the beginning I guess ...I was doing so well too.

 

I'm going out on a date tonight so we'll see how this works out...trying to keep it simple with distractions.

[Moonchill]

He didn't reply to my question. And you know what? It's ok. It's what I expected from him. I think it's for the better because I know how confusing it can be to be in touch with your ex again. And what also helps is the nice distraction I got:

I met a cute guy at a lunchroom. We had this click right away and talked for hours. I took the initiative to exchange numbers He texted me later if we could date , but I already have other plans. Too bad he's in Brazil for a month after that. We'll see if he will remember me after that