THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[Loxxt]

Some helpful thoughts to ponder...

 

What are the types of people who attract others? Not talking looks here but qualities. I'm sure I'm not the only one but people I'm attracted to and admire (not speaking strictly romantically) are those strong independent souls who don't let their fears direct their lives. They are goal oriented and committed to bettering themselves (career, physically, mentally, personally). Think about it.

 

These are things I'm pretty sure that everyone can say they want in a partner. So be that person not only for yourself ( believe me you'll feel hella good doing it!) but to attract someone who will complement you in the same way. You shouldn't need the ex back, or anyone for that matter. That makes it seem like without them or someone in your life you feel incomplete and not whole. Obviously when someone's dumped it's perfectly natural to feel a loss, because it is, but don't dwell on it. Easier said than done, oh I know, but think back to what I said earlier. If you dwell, you're being the complete opposite of what is attractive so why would you think that will get your ex back. Give yourself time to mourn the loss of the relationship and when the time is right, become that person anyone (even the ex) would want! Just remember if they were attracted you before and you've been improving yourself they can be again, you have the upperhand. If you stay down and hang around like I said that's the complete opposite of what is attractive. Who wants an insecure, unsure, clingy, SAD person who acts like their constantly walking on eggshells as a friend let alone a partner?! Look at countless examples on this site. The successful ones completely exited their ex's lives, became better people and either got the ex or found someone else. Hanging onto hopes, false realities and imagining just how great their lives may be withou you will not help one bit. So yes it is cliche but so very true. Exit their lives completely, wish them well and work on making yourself the most interesting, respectable, carefree, driven person you can be! What's the worst case scenario? Your ex keeps walking? If they did and you're that better person it's THEIR loss and you'll find someone who will love you for who you are. Just remember once you are with someone again (be it the ex or otherwise) that you keep who you are. So often once we're comfortable we stop trying and worry, becoming clingy or whiny or afraid to speak you mind for fear of retribution. Remember to stay true or you lose.

 

Pep talks are good every once in awhile. Hope you all got something out of mine.

[Rotxsen]

Hey, Loxxt what if you just left with no word or saying ? I mean last time I talked to her was on december she rubbed it in my face about the new bf and was telling me all sorts of things I know it was to hurt me obviously but we were suppose to be "Friends" so after that day I was like .. I can't do this anymore so I deleted her from everything with no saying later on January for my birthday she found a way to text my number and wished me happy bday asking me what I been doing all sorts of things and asking me why I'm not on msn and myspace, etc I told her I was busy with school work etc but then after I said to her well I'm going back to sleep she was like ohh alright I'm gonna go wake up my bf and all I'm like alright see ya... after that I haven't heard word of her which is good but I don't get it why she brought the bf subject again? and another question that is been on my mind but not as much is did I do wrong the way I deleted her ? no notification or a why I just did it ?

[Loxxt]

You said the first time she brought up the bf it was like she was rubbing it in your fac. You began to distance yourself and only then did she reach out and tried again to rub it in your face. She wants a reaction. She wants to reassure herself that she still has an effect on you and power over you.

 

As for not saying anything before NC, under most circumstances I think that's the best thing to do. In my case I hung around, didn't go out of my way to contact the ex but answered his calls and txts. The last time we actually saw each other mid to late Jan. we talked and even hugged. When he left he texted me saying he was happy to see me and how he felt like he met a new friend. I was like w+f, whoa whoa. After that I went LC (asked him to fwd mail and pick up a bag of his stuff I left outside) and was straight to the point. He seemed shocked. I did however tell him that we couldn't be friends the day after he sent that text. After that last LC I went completely NC, blocked him from facebook, msn, deleted his #. I never officially said "I'm going NC.... Now." Him pushing for friendship and me saying no more than once made me go NC. Your ex rubbing the new bf in your face and being somewhat whiny/needy is probably what helped you push to NC as well. Obviously people go NC to heal and it's hard but when you have extra motivation it makes it easier and IMO doesn't merit any warning ahead of time. They should expect it, frankly. I hope knowing my situation somewhat helped you see my point. Oh, and the ex messaged me a few days ago asking to talk. I ignored it. My first time not responding. You should try it too. Dont be afraid to put your foot down. It'll help you and you'll feel stronger. It just might cause her to wake up a little to the fact you're not in the mood for games.

[stu1973]

Where do you get off hi-jacking other peoples threads and telling them how they feel, should be feeling and giving them abuse, when they are at an all time low? This place is for people who are desperate, and are looking for advice, not abuse from some no-mark.

[brandnewday47]

Was doing better after the past few weeks, then had a truly accidental run in earlier today.. felt a little like the cashier at the supermarket with a cold, non interested "how are you?" being asked while not even stopping as she walked by. Yikes. She looked amazing too. Sorry just had to get that off my chest. Im sure the dreams will start back up.

[WhatSetsUs]

It seems like everyday since I've been home (since Friday), I've been feeling progressively worse. Last night and this morning have been the worst I've felt since the first week after my ex broke up with me in February. Why is it getting harder when at this point it should be getting so much easier???

 

I'm struggling with NC. The urge to contact her is officially undeniable. I have been debating back and forth with myself over whether or not to contact my ex. But for some reason, I cant yet do it. I guess thats a good thing. I do understand the merit to NC, but its just so hard when all I want is to get her back, and show her just how amazing a new relationship could be. We were just a few steps short of something incredible, and it just sucks that I am finally in a place to offer her everything she wanted. I just know that if given the chance I could make everything as close to perfect as they could be.

 

ENA, Im officially struggling, and its become the worst its been a long time.

[Loxxt]

Sorry to hear you're feeling so down, I know we can all empathize. I think the main point to consider is why you want to contact her. If it's to try to show her how you've changed that may not get the results you want. She has to be given the chance to see you've changed without you having to go up to her to show her, you know? How long have you been NC? I'd suggest waiting until she contacts you or if things ended on good terms maybe contact her after a few months. I think the best (and hardest) is to wait for her to contact you then keep LC and continue to focus on bettering yourself. Think about this, you obviously want her back but if you contact her she could take that as you chasing her and most dumpers tend to shy away from that attitude and whst if she's dating someone else... My ex left for someone else so I knew and had to deal with that but if you find out at that point it will hurt a lot and ruin all the healing you've done. So that's why you hear over and over to work on yourself, keep LC and if they contact you, that it's your choice. It's the best option to protect yourself and for your chances of her actually missing you and noticing those changes you so desperately want her to see. Please consider this, it works and is said a lot for a reason. Good luck, stay strong.

[WhatSetsUs]

I guess the reason why I want to contact her is not necessarily to be like "Look at me, I've changed, take me back." But rather as a means to open up contact again. I mean eventually if reconciliation were to ever happen it would first have to start with us talking again and being comfortable with one another. I just want to open up that line between us so that she can start feeling comfortable again talking to me. I just want to get the ball rolling again. Im afraid she may never contact me again, and I guess thats why I may be feeling so emotional right now. I really am afraid that she'll just move on and never look back at. I just dont know how much longer I can sit back in silence.

[LizzieD]

Day 2: It was a tough day

 

Woke up and came to work at midday. The first thought that came to my mind when I woke up was you. I checked my mobile to see if you had texted: No. Once upon a time, I woke up with your text wishing me a very good morning.

 

Once upon a time.

 

I was tempted to call you today, did you know? I didn't. I am a strong-willed person. I could learn to let go of you. Soon, I hope. I don't want to be constantly reminded the feeling of how good our previous relationship was. I don't want to be constantly reminded how open our communication was. How both you and I were free to tell each other whatever was on our mind. I didn't have to be someone else to be with you.

 

If I could ever taken back anything, I'd take back the question of our future. I should have lied to you. I should have told you that I don't mind having no future together. It triggered all of these mess. We can't talk about the future. We could never discuss about the future. For once, at that time, I tried to bring up the subject. And as expected, it was over between you and me.

 

You told me a week ago that you were right about what you said at the beginning of this relationship. You told me that weren't ready for a relationship. But you changed your mind later on, and we got together. We both fell in love.

 

When I heard those words again, I knew from that moment, all hopes were gone.

 

It was a beautiful, fun, awesome relationship. It was. You can regret being in a relationship with me all you want, but to me, I didn't regret it. Not a single bit.

 

So, here I am, writing this down. Trying to tell you that I really, really wanted to hear your voice again. Just a hello would do. But I shouldn't. Because I don't want having to fight the urge of telling you that I'm still in love with you. I'm surpressing it deep down inside my heart. Someday, when the time comes, I hope I could give my love away to someone who would appreciate it and not treating it like a disposable waste.

 

Tomorrow will be better. I promise. I will be happier tomorrow. I will laugh more often tomorrow. I'll learn how to appreciate the minute details of the sky, the life and the scenery around me.

 

Life, with or without you, would be fun. It has always been.

 

LizzieD.

[Loxxt]

I guess the reason why I want to contact her is not necessarily to be like "Look at me, I've changed, take me back." But rather as a means to open up contact again. I mean eventually if reconciliation were to ever happen it would first have to start with us talking again and being comfortable with one another. I just want to open up that line between us so that she can start feeling comfortable again talking to me. I just want to get the ball rolling again. Im afraid she may never contact me again, and I guess thats why I may be feeling so emotional right now. I really am afraid that she'll just move on and never look back at. I just dont know how much longer I can sit back in silence.

 

I know what you mean. I felt like if I went NC he'd just walk away, especially since he dropped me after 4 yrs for a girl he just met a few days earlier. Don't let that fear make your choices for you. My ex left just before Christmas. I initiated complete NC about a month later but broke NC to ask him to fwd his mail. It's been about 3 months since he left and a month after that (exactly 3 weeks later) he messaged me to talk. I know my ex and he just wants to friendzone me so I ignored him. It's still very confusing to me and each situation is different but if they left you it's best to wait. For all you know she might call and say she needs you as a friend and if you bite you'll regret it. You need to stay firm in your resolve. Sounds like you've only been broken up for about a month. If that's the case I'd let NC go a little longer. You need to be less emotional and in a clearer mindset before you contact her.

[bitebenot]

Where do you get off hi-jacking other peoples threads and telling them how they feel, should be feeling and giving them abuse, when they are at an all time low? This place is for people who are desperate, and are looking for advice, not abuse from some no-mark.

 

I know,the truth hurts a lot sometimes. We all know that hope can really slow the healing process (when theres none). At one point or another we have to accept our loss and move on. By the way, its not an hi-jack, its open to everyone who reads ENA, its made public ! Myself when i ask for an opinion i expect honesty with no sugar added even if its not what i wanted to hear ! How can we help a person in a all time low or desperate ? Maybe lying to you was suppose to be good ? Perhaps im a no-mark but i know how to accept a kick in the behind when needed ! I knew ahead of time that my point of view about your situation wouldnt be well received ! I took that risk because i did care for a man who is suffering deeply as i myself was ! Accept my apologies and i sincerly hope that you will come to the same conclusion shortly for your own good.

[bitebenot]

Excellent as always. I couldnt agree more. Thats the way everyone here should be and take serious time to reflect on it.

[TSandullo]

Day 13 -Busy busy busy...

 

Busy day today. Can't type much now. Gotta run.

 

Feeling good. Thought about ex at times but no longer incapacitated by thoughts as I was two months ago.

 

Looking good, feeling great. Met friends, did work.

 

TC ll

 

TS

 

p.s bite, I got go hunting for that red shirt now! Hopefully one with a bird of prey on the front...!

[TSandullo]

but i know how to accept a kick in the behind when needed ! I knew ahead of time that my point of view about your situation wouldnt be well received ! I took that risk because i did care for a man who is suffering deeply as i myself was !

 

Stu1973, trust me. I went through those very same raw emotions at the initial stage though I kept a straight face before my ex.

The logical butt kick bite and others gave really did hit the mark. His approach may seem a tad 'harsh' for the unexpecting ENAer however, I have to admit the raw brutal honesty is what we all need.

Months, or perhaps weeks from now, you will look back and say to yourself..."hmm, the bite was rite".

Having said that, both myself and bite being guys relate to you completely, so we are all in the same boat. The only thing is, some have finally become accustomed to the tide as others are just beginning.

Wishing you all the best Stu1973. The best is yet to come.

TS

[Anon333]

Thanks Loxxt...Thank you so much for that motivational post....A month ago I probably would not have been able to let it help me as much as now...I think I need to keep reading it.....Highs and lows are hard to escape..When I can capture that feeling of being okay on my own and my self esteem starts to rise, I want to hold onto that feeling soooo Bad.

 

This Friday there is an event that all my friends are going to and I know my ex will be there with his new lady. I have seen them together once before, about a month ago..and it shook my up so bad I cant get it out of my head. My mind has been fighting through all the scenarios of how happy he is with her, and trying to accept the idea that they are perfect for each other and will be married...If I can train my brain to accept that, than I can concentrate on myself and finding the right person for me...Some days I can find that place inside of me.....Accept that me and him were not right for each other and be happy single and working on myself...

 

The hardest thing to fight off is the jealousy and feeling replaced. The idea that she makes him happier. It is more an issue of my own self esteem. That I wasnt good enough for him. But the reality was that even when we were together I had a hard time seeing him as the father of my children or being with him forever. So I guess the break up was innevitable. That doesnt change the fact that now I feel the opposite. Now I seem to think I let someone go who could have really been a good lifelong partner. But I guess I needed to learn to be more open minded anyway. Who knows what he is learning. Maybe that I was the worst girlfriend and he cant believe how long he even stayed with me. Maybe he is thinking I wasnt all that bad after all. WHo knows.....Life is not perfect for anyone, him or me. If it is working out good for him now, Im sure their relationship will have there trials, perhaps while I am just starting to date and enjoy someone else....It is all irrelivant in this way. His good days in the beginning of the break up could easily turn to him struggling and my bad days in the beginning could easily turn to me learning alot about myself and finding someone else like he has.....There is really no way of knowing....It is most important to concentrate on oneself.

 

I am realizing it is Very important not to think of the break up as you were not good enough for him. ANd to switch it around to he was not right for you....Im pretty sure that 80% of the hurt and heartache we feel is from issues within ourselves that we can work on and fix. Feeling that we are inadequate, not good enough, defective, a failure at relationships. All these feelings are the part of the break up that hurts the most. Feeling abandoned and left behind as though you were the weak link, holding him/her back. None of this is true. We should not feel this way about ourselves. the relationship was not right, for your ex AND you...You need to try and have the same mind frame as a dumper now....You can be with someone else who is right for you. You can move on knowing there are people out there that would love to get to know you and share time with you as your ex once did. EVERYONE goes through break-ups. Models, famous people, rich, poor, loving whole individuals, and depressed confused people. It doesnt matter who you are. WHat is important is that you find yourself after this break up and pick up the pieces and know you can be happy single and you are a whole individual with or without your ex..

 

Personally, I am starting to remember that sometimes when My ex slept over I wouldnt get as good sleep. SOmetimes I would wish I was alone reading my book with my cat. Sometimes I wished he would want to watch movies with me and tickle my arm the way past exes did. When we first broke up I kinda enjoyed being alone for the first week (mostly because I knew he would come back to me).....He did for a short time...The hard part is letting go and knowing they wont be in your life....But so many new people, and old friends and even exes will come in and out of our lives.....

 

Sorry for the rant...

[bitebenot]

WhatSetsUs, i have one idea for you. Its up to you to use it or not.

She dumped you and she knows that you want reconciliation. Why not try to turn the table around ? This is what i was thinking. You have nothing to lose.

Send her an email saying this: You know that being away from you gave me enough time to reflect on our situation. I came to the conclusion that the break-up was for the best for us. I am still working on myself and i am becoming a better man; i must thank you for that. I wish i could take away all the wrong i have done but cant. Now my decision is not about reconciliation, but for a permanent closure. I sincerly hope that you will find what you are searching for and i send you all my love. What this will do is make her feel and think that shes been dumped ! She will tend to analyse this very seriously im sure. Yes its reverse psychology, but its not rude. She will no longer assume that you are waiting for her. Then you sit and wait to see how she will react. That wont change your situation since the relationship is already over and wont stop any chances of getting her back in the future. You dont answer the phone or emails unless she really wants to talk about reconciliation. I personaly suspect that it will give you the edge you need for her to regret her decision. Just take the time to consider this.

[jaygirl]

Wow. Anon, your post brought tears and hope to me. i can wait till i am one month and start to feel better. I really cant wait.

[Rotxsen]

I think she knows I'm serious business cause last time we talked I told her how busy I been which is true I mean I'm doing the whole me thing, working out studying etc and I haven't talked to her since January but you know.. I am a bit paranoid cause some of my friends who are super cool with me are with her best friends so when they call me I feel as If she's on the other line listening to our conversation ohh specially one of our friends which he done this before reporting everything I tell him like today and yesterday he's been trying to ask everything I been doing and I been ignoring him cause last time I told him about me working as a waiter and all she found out about this so.. I don't get it why ask a friend to find my whereabouts when she already has this boyfriend.

 

PS. I keep having this feeling she is gonna pop up again... I'm just waiting for it.

[Saudade]

Day 13-week2

 

OMG!!! Its been so hard this week...I think most because it is his bday on Friday and it makes me even more depressed knowing that I wont be there with him. I know he is going to celebrate in a bar with a couple of friends. He has been sick this weak. It kills me to pretend that I dont care. My friend even joked saying ' He is ok...its remorse'

 

This NC is killing me but I know it is the only way for me to get out of this sadness.

 

So many question still go through my head everyday, all day long. I wonder if he ever cared. Why doesnt he call? Will he ever call? How could everything we had together meant nothing all the sudden? I know we had something special. If he misses me. Argh!!!

 

I just wanna this pain go away so badly. I just wanna be able to smile again with or without him. I dont wanna be this sad person. I wanna be again that happy/fun person that all my friends and family know and love to be around.

 

=(

[bitebenot]

He still cares unless hes a monster. He doesnt call because its over(for now).

He might call one day,but has to do it on his own first,not you !

All the memories are still fresh for him,cant forget the one you loved so rapidly.

And for the sadness it will end when you are ready to forget him and think of yourself first.

 

Give yourself at least 2 months. So far so good for you. As for his bday,i had the same dilemma. To do it or not. I knew the answer months before. Her bday for me no longer exist. I even try to forget that date !

I was rejected (all of us here were) so why beat myself over her ?

I no longer care for her and nothing will change that. Scars are all i have left from her.

[LLammas]

Alright, count me in for this one.

 

Day 1

 

I hate that he hasn't called or texted me to beg for forgiveness or tell me he changed his mind. At the same time, I realized contacting him would only be a mistake.

 

I almost looked at his facebook page, but I'm afraid of what I would see. I'm glad I didn't hit enter after I typed in the address.

 

I don't think he's coming back. No matter how much wishing and praying I do, it rests on his shoulders. I dream of being with him, of perfect contentment in his arms.

[bitebenot]

Alright, count me in for this one.

 

Day 1

 

I hate that he hasn't called or texted me to beg for forgiveness or tell me he changed his mind. At the same time, I realized contacting him would only be a mistake.

 

I almost looked at his facebook page, but I'm afraid of what I would see. I'm glad I didn't hit enter after I typed in the address.

 

I don't think he's coming back. No matter how much wishing and praying I do, it rests on his shoulders. I dream of being with him, of perfect contentment in his arms.

 

You are welcome here. You are wise..good decisions you took !

[jaygirl]

Day 4.

was feeling down yesterday, even into the night, but i guess i feel better today. Got tempted to send him several messages, but i am glad i didnt.

 

Isnt it funny when you look at the stuff you planned to send and see how silly they sound? i typed out about five different letters. been looking at them this morning and they seem so silly. lol

[ill_b_okay]

I'm IN for this challenge!

I'm in day 2 of NC with my bf. We lived together for four years and had many good memories (I want to think) than bad ones. Last Monday night, I read some exchanges of text messages with another girl. We had a huge fight that ended up him hurting me physically. I left after him that. I don't want to see his face again nor hear any explanations from him. Yesterday, I blocked all possible communications with him. But still, most of the time, I have this part of me wanting to see him again, to hold him again...but I know it's not right. For me, physical violence is the limit...no matter how you loved the person. Otherwise, you will be caught in a cycle. If after doing it to me and I was able to forgive him and take him back, I will be in a very dangerous situation. It's like I invited danger in my life. I believe that unhealthy relationships never gets better, it will only get worse so I need to get out now. I can do this challenge!!!

[LizzieD]

Day 3: It's easier when my brother is around to keep my thoughts away from myself

 

My younger brother came over yesterday until this weekend. He helps me taking my mind off things. Taught him a thing or two about computers.

 

Took the day off today because my sleep cycle went off by few timezone since I got back from that trip to LA. I told my boss that I am not going to attend the call conference between my company and yours so that I can work on resetting my body clock.

 

In truth, I don't want to hear your voice again. It has always triggered some reaction in my heart. It will make me more vulnerable into dialing your number. I don't want to be that person.

 

So, next week onwards, I am not going to be on the conference call. I talked a lot during the meeting. So, this time around, you won't find me on the call. You won't find me on Skype either. I am disappearing. It's good for both of us.

 

Most importantly, it's good for me and myself. This pain will eventually go away. All I need is time.

 

3 days felt fast to me. I've done 10% of NC. A lot of work done. A lot of technical books read. A lot of technical arguments made (successfully

 

I've lived through 3 days. I will live through 27 days or even a year from now. I'm ready to do this for as long as it takes to get over you.

 

LizzieD.

 

p/s: I'm celebrating tonight for 10% of NC achievement.