THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[quirky]

day 53

 

Today I blocked him of facebook. Didn't wanna do it but I can't help but check his wall. I wanted him to think I'm strong enough to get over this without blocking him but I guess I'm not and I shouldn't care what he thinks. I do care but I have to learn not to. Pretty bad day today.

[WhatSetsUs]

The reason why I've changed my mind in taking the initiative and potentially talking to my ex is because over this period of time since we've been apart, I've made some realizations.

 

First, I've made some serious changes to myself. Now I know a lot of people will say that I still need more time to heal and grow, and I'm not saying that I've changed completely, but I have made some serious concrete changes since the breakup. I've really taken this situation and set out to learn from it. My counselor told me yesterday that she was impressed at how dedicated I was to learning from this otherwise terrible situation. I really have taken huge strides in my own personal life and the areas of my personality that led to the breakup, I have really worked on. I am still going to take more time, but I feel like I am at a point where I can handle things properly.

 

Second, after all this time, I realize that I still really want my ex. For as much as I am growing and maturing, the desire to have her back in my life is still as strong as the day she left me.

 

Third, I feel like I've healed enough where I am viewing this breakup in a rational and logical perspective rather than an emotional one. I still am really sad and on some days its tough not to think about her, but its been 27 days, and I haven't cracked at all. I've gotten stronger and smarter and I think my heart is in a place where I can accept whatever is going to come from contacting my ex. That includes rejection and disappointment. It'll hurt, but I've made it this far, and if necessary I can make it this far again.

 

Fourth, if I know my ex as well as I think I know, then I know that I am going to have to at least get the ball rolling if I do want a chance to get back together with her. She isnt the type to really make a move, and its just her personality. I know that I am going to have to put in the effort in order to win her back. Its this reason that I am really really really debating on whether or not to break NC. Cause I know what I want, and I think its gonna take some risk to get it.

 

So there are some of the things I've come to over this time period. I've still got lots of work to do on myself, but I've come a long way in healing and maturing. When I said that I was gonna contact her at some point, I dont necessarily mean tomorrow or next week, or even the week after. I'm still feeling the situation out and when the time is right, just maybe I'll take the risk. But again, I'm still taking my time.

[GenoGeno]

Day 1 for me.

 

I started this morning and went a full day with no contact. I've tried before and went three days but then broke it when she contacted me....I feel bad ignoring her though....I don't feel it's the right thing to do to ignore them..because then they just won't try again?

[bitebenot]

Day 1 for me.

 

I started this morning and went a full day with no contact. I've tried before and went three days but then broke it when she contacted me....I feel bad ignoring her though....I don't feel it's the right thing to do to ignore them..because then they just won't try again?

 

What does it mean to you when a women says " i dont want you anymore " ?

So NC is the natural way to go. At the same time you give her time to analyse the situation and hope that she will miss you. If you try to keep the line of contact open she will know that she can have you back at any time. Thats not good ! She has to come to you first. The more you will chase her the further away she will run from you. Its not about ignoring her really,its about you first ! You need time to heal and think clearly. At this time she doesnt want you,thats it....its reality my friend. Try to show her that you can move on without her. If you stay attached to her and try to reach her all the time you will be bruised for a long term ! Leave her alone for a few months and in between dont forget yourself and move on,do not wait !!!! Dont worry,she wont dismiss you..she still thinks of you i am sure of that.

Dont answer calls or emails. She has to chase you if not she will dump you again,i mean it !

[ex sweatheart]

Day 7 NC

Today has been a better day, i did have a moment when i got a new iphone , my ex loaded up my last one with apps and loved it, i think he liked the phone more than me at times, opening new phone and turning it on made me laugh and curse at same time, i used to jibe him that the phone was more entertainment than me and that he would rather lose me than his app games...

I have been have been getting angry at the fact tha he hasnt tried to fight at all, he let me walk away and abided by my NC request but then i realised what else did i expect, women react differently to men and he is simply doing what i had asked and staying away

why oh why are we as women so complex, when i said dont contact me i did meant it but also a part of me meant "well fight for me you stupid idiot"

 

postive thing is i am now at 1 week which means week 2 will be easier ... i hope

[jaygirl]

hi ex sweet heart, i really know the feeling. My ex did not put up any fight, and it still hurts like hell.

 

We will get thru

[TSandullo]

Hey bitebenot.

 

Thanks again for your raw and brutal honesty. A kick up the backside is exactly what I need.

 

But trust me, I am trying to stay away from her. but it is difficult. Even as I type this, she is sat some 5 computers away from we. We both have a tutorial in the computer lab. So, as I said before, my interaction with her is strictly work related.

 

I sent a txt to the bday gal last night declining the invitation. This morning my ex texts me inviting me, I guess she doesnt know I'm not coming. I deleted the text, not bothering to respond.

 

Could I forget her past with the other one? Not forget, but I guess in my current 'nice' nature I will be forgiving, provided she has shown me significant evidence that she is going to make things work and not bail out again.

 

 

 

In all honesty, I'll be the judge of that. Though I do understand you are more experienced than I and am older, my relationship with her was very good.

She fell out of love with me once but stuck with me for nearly a year in the hope her love for me would be rekindled. This second time, she wanted it to be rekindled again (after falling out of love - I killed the attraction again with my overly niceness), however, she got tired of it and we ended it in a civil way, bot of us with the hope that we might be together again.

 

Weeks later, she is on the rebound with a guy who made moves on her when we were together. I guess she wanted to fill the gaping hole left from my departure.

 

That aside, she wasn't a * * * * * as I have read about many others in these forums I and I do believe that she is 'worth it', despite that, she does have her flaws. Myself included.

 

But, as you say, I have to move on. And am making the necessary steps to do so slowly. And for now, I am slowly moving further and further away from her.

 

Thanks again for your feedback bitebenot.

 

Please continue to be brutally honest like this. I need it.

 

TS

[ex sweatheart]

Its still day 7 and its 11.20pm, trying very hard not to call tex ex

[1guygirl]

I have been have been getting angry at the fact tha he hasnt tried to fight at all, he let me walk away and abided by my NC request but then i realised what else did i expect, women react differently to men and he is simply doing what i had asked and staying away

why oh why are we as women so complex, when i said dont contact me i did meant it but also a part of me meant "well fight for me you stupid idiot"

 

haha yeah totally get this!! i think what it stems from is the subconcious...they say men like to chase and women like to be chased, so subconciously we offer them that opportunity, and when they dont (even tho we wanted NC to heal and get a grip) on some level it hits home that they prob jus not that into us

 

anyway day 19 for me....feel ok, like not any kind of emotion either way regarding ex. I am jus looking forward to tmoz to be able to say 20 frikkin days baybee

[TSandullo]

Day 8 - The best contact right now...is no contact

 

Normal university day today. Same old goodness: work, gym, work.

And there is the same old not so goodness: Sharing lectures and labs with her.

 

Before, in an attempt to be civil, I would be polite and interact in a nice manner, strictly work related and nothing more.

 

I must admit though, that on wednesday, I might have gotten a wee bit excited over the attention her and her friend gave me. This was bad looking in hindsight, as it indicates my emotional state was linked to her actions. If she blanked me would I have gotten upset? Perhaps.

 

And yesterday, after walking past me with a simple hello, I too felt a wee bit down.

 

I guess no contact is the best form of contact for now, until I am truly sorted. I keep analyzing everything she says and does still though I should not.

 

I have taken on bitebenot's advice and developed a bit of a mean streak. Not out of vengeance, purely because I have been one of the bloody typical nice guys all my life and need to bare my teeth and man up a bit.

 

I didn't attend the birthday meal but wished my friend when i saw her in the lecture later on. I ignored my ex. No contact is best, otherwise my mind will rake through each and every word she says and every action she performs.

 

day by day, for my own good, i am discarding the hope for reconciliation. Looking back at things, she had the better deal. I looked after her, had no issues of her having a kid, got on really well with the little girl, push up with her issues, helped her when I could, was passionate and affectionate and the rest god's gift to women could have done. My only flaws were my insecurities and wussiness at times. However, on the whole I was the real genuine deal and have no regrets. I believe I gave her a lot more than she could have.

 

Having said that, there was a good deal she brought forward that I do miss, and I do credit her for that.

 

I've learnt what i need to work on for my next relationship, whoever it is with.

 

Right now, just trying to focus on myself and improving piecemeal day by day. With bumps along the way of course...but improving nonetheless.

 

I'm still not in the dating mode and I guess women can sense that a mile off, but I don't care. I am glad I am taking the time to sort my shiznit out rather than seeking solace in the arms of low-standard-selection....

 

TC all

 

TS

[Loxxt]

Week 2 or 3... I forget exactly. I think it's 2. ^.^

 

My ex seems to have totally alienated himself. All of our mutual friends think he's a douche for leaving me outta the blue for a girl he knew for a few days. Even his own brother is avoiding him!

 

There's a couple who're expecting their first kid in a few months who I've been spending a lot of time with. They're a few years older than me and they've been really supportive. They're mutual friends between my ex and I but my ex has been avoiding them because he's afraid that they are mad at him (they don't think too highly of him, to say the least). Anywho, he knows they've having a baby and they know he knows too, but he hasn't so much as congratulated them because like I said he doesn't want to face them. He's avoiding anyone who will want to metaphorically (or literally) smack him upside the head! So childish!

 

Anyways, last night that couple called me to confirm some plans we have this weekend and then they told me that my ex wrote them a two page email. :S They hadn't read it yet, but said they were going to.

 

From what I hear, he's reaching out to old friends who don't know what happened and is avoiding close friends who know what he did. It's like he doesn't want to be reminded of what he did. He told people that he was single and wanted to hang out, didn't say anything about dating someone else even though he left me then starting officially dating her three days later. I know this because those friends have approached me asking what happened and when I explain how he just left and starting seeing someone else they're like "wow".

 

Dunno where I was going with this, but yah my ex is one sad f*cker. Running from what you've done never works. Sooner or latter you'll have to accept the way things are.

[TSandullo]

Hey Loxxt

 

Hope YOU are well.

 

In all honesty your last post was all about your ex, though it would be great to hear how YOU are doing and how YOU are feeling. I think this sums it:

 

Dunno where I was going with this, but yah my ex is one sad f*cker. Running from what you've done never works. Sooner or latter you'll have to accept the way things are.

 

That is true. Filling the hole of absence so hastily is dangerous, especially if you fill it with shi* cos it will start to smell soon...

 

I guess he is banking on his rebound for ALL the emotional support, but soon, past honeymoon or even before, hes gonna crack. And when he does, who is he going to turn to?

 

You? I dunno, but the very people he has alienated.

 

And through all of this you are keeping your relationships with others alive, so well done to you. And you are dealing with the situation in the best way possible rather than flinging yourself on the first penis that dances in front of you.

 

You will be the better off one in the end...in fact, you are now.

 

TS

[Loxxt]

 

 

Thanks TSandullo. Yah I really didn't say much about myself there did I? Haha. Yah I'm doing pretty well. I'm sure anyone who's been in a serious relationship can say that when they are in a LTR they put their SO first and foremost. I did that too, I'm no exception and having him gone left such a void. I'm filling that void now with things that are good for me and my future. I'm pretty sure if he goes come back and try to be friends that there won't be room for him anymore. He prides himself on keeping good relationships, he's never happy if someone's mad at him, so I wonder what a blow to his ego that will be...

 

See the sad thing is that everything that's happened I have predicted and now that I'm hearing more and more how things are happening like I said I'm a little happy at that fact. I moved accross the country with him so I don't have as many close friends as back home but I have been focussing on those more lately. Back home I have more close girl friends then guy friends and here it's the opposite. It kinda bothers me though because I feel like a few of them like me. I know one of them is being overly sentimental right now. Like saying how he loves seeing me, misses me and would do anything to see me. It makes me feel kinda awkward cuz I've told him more than once how I don't see him that way and that I don't want a relationship with anyone right now.

 

My ex really has alienated himself and I have no idea who he's going to go to when he needs that support, like you said. He's burned so many bridges. His mom and brother and close friends here are looking at him kinda like w+f is up with you buddy. So if he goes to them with problems especially in the relationship department they'll be like ugh...

 

I've mentioned in previous posts, but in case you don't know, he applied to be a communications tech with the army about 2-3 weeks ago. He somehow thinks he's going to go for training in a month. First off he's not qualified. The program requires a strong base in physics and math. He has basic math, pretty sure he never took physics in HS and took art in college. Everyone's betting he's not even gonna make it through 13 weeks of basic. Let alone the rest of his 85 week training. Oh and they're also betting his new gf is going to cheat on him. He's gonna leave 4 months into their relationship which started off very rocky and then leave for 1.5 years... yah right. I know people in stable relationships who have had to deal with their bf's leaving to the army and some did cheat and they seemed to be so supportive and devoted to one another.

 

I feel like I'm fine with the situation cuz I have this "I told ya so" attitude but I've been right so far. Now that my emotions aren't in control my logic is. People with integrity don't like douchebaggery. Which pretty much sums up my ex's actions and why people aren't liking being around him and his gf. She's really annoying from what I hear. Overly chatty, loud, in your face. She's basically everything my ex said he didn't like in a girl. Which is funny cuz he's with her. Oh and my ex and I are into rock/metal/punk/ska and she's a hardcore hip hop fan. Nothing against that kinda music, I like some of it but when I used to play a few song my ex would make this "eww" face. Makes me wonder how he can put up with it now...

 

Hehe, so yah I'm okay. Doing pretty good. Don't feel nearly as sad or lost. The only reason I'm sad is that I still feel that twinge of betrayal and it hurts to give everything to someone for almost four years and have them rip your heart out. But yah, other than that feeling I get a few times a week, I'm good.

[bitebenot]

Good post ! In short you are telling us hes a wimp whit a dumb broad !

So for you its time to go to the second level,(a real relationship) because this one was sour if you ask me. Whats worse but having to spend time with a spineless man lol. Ill bet sex wasnt all that good either. When i think of your story i wonder what was lost. Looks like a real gain for you. Pain that will pay off after a while,you're almost there. For you its like getting rid of a clunker for a new Cadillac. You didnt have a future with this guy,i mean none. I see a big L (loser) on his forehead. Wont be to hard to replace him.

[Loxxt]

Good post ! In short you are telling us hes a wimp whit a dumb broad !

So for you its time to go to the second level,(a real relationship) because this one was sour if you ask me. Whats worse but having to spend time with a spineless man lol. Ill bet sex wasnt all that good either. When i think of your story i wonder what was lost. Looks like a real gain for you. Pain that will pay off after a while,you're almost there. For you its like getting rid of a clunker for a new Cadillac. You didnt have a future with this guy,i mean none. I see a big L (loser) on his forehead. Wont be to hard to replace him.

 

I think the sex was about the only consistently good thing, lol. But it was like it was mostly when he wanted it. 90% of the time if I wasn't in the mood, tired laying in bed trying to fall asleep I'd go with it just cuz. But if we had an opportunity and he wasn't feeling it, he'd just say it and it bothered me cuz I put the effort and he wouldn't. Like on that trip we were in the hot tub with this chick and her cousin and the cousin left with the other chick saying "we'll let you two have some private time" and I remember the other chick (his now gf) just got up and left quickly like she was mad. Anyways when they left I moved over to my ex so we could snuggle and mess around and he just said he wasn't in the mood and got up and left. I was like wooooooow. Thanks buddy. And the next day he left me for that woman.

 

Aside him leaving everything else has gone up. Got a sweet car, finances in order, better relationship with friends and family (I ignored them a little, put most of my time into my ex), looking into what course to take in school next year (FINALLY going back after 4 yrs!!). I do have my "down" moments but they're few and far between. I think of my ex with someone else and it makes me sad then I remember what he's like and am glad he's her problem. I definitely don't see her as being as tolerant as I was.

[bitebenot]

In a hot tub and he rejected you ? Whoooooooooooa ! Are you pulling my leg lol. This is unreal ! I just dont know what to say,im baffled ! Thats when the alarm started to ring i guess. I dont get it,just when his testosterone is at its peak at that age. Well it wasnt me,Thank God !

[1guygirl]

Loxxt...you dodged a bullet girl...think that hot tub incident showed there was summit going on before hand

 

his loss...

 

your gain

 

toodles d*ckhead!!!

 

*try not to be too smug when it all falls apart between them*

 

jus dont ever take him back, and i wouldnt bother speaking to him again either...grrrrr some peeps huh

[Loxxt]

Hehe thanks guys. Yeah when we were in the hot tub I went in for a kiss and tugged on his bathing suit to come over and he just said he was too drunk or something and wasn't in the mood. I was pretty... um, confused to say the least. lol

 

 

 

Just came back from a run, this song came up on my playlist, very much felt like posting the lyrics...

 

Pardon me for saying so, but you look more pitiful

Than I had ever imagined, despite perfect fashion

And your photographs depict you so differently.

 

I always thought you would be some sort of match for me.

 

So let's decide who can survive

Stomping feet and racing beats of hearts that don't ever slow.

 

Then I'll write letters on white paper expressing,

My deep dissapointment.

 

Dripping where I stand from my watery hands, Hoping to get past the open bedroom door,

Where her clothes on the floor remind me of our conversation,

The feeling of slight hesitation

To turn out the light.

 

Fourteen days now since we started to complicate the situation.

I'm not hiding I'm just buying some time for us to find the back door.

 

We will come out when it's safe for us.

When it's safe for us..

When it's safe for us...Ohh us..

For us...Ohhh

 

There's nothing left to say to excuse the way that I've behaved.

 

I still feel him gripping like a stain

To this fabric, torn at every seam,

 

Then thrown away.(One without regret, I will not forget.) (One without regret, I will not forget)

 

Why should I take all the blame for my mistakes? You were there with every promise made to break.

When did you become the one without regret?

Kill me.

Burn me down.

I swear I won't forget.

When did you become the one without regret?

Kill me.

Burn me down.

I swear I won't forget

 

^Song called "playing with fire" by Emery, in case anyone's interested.

[bitebenot]

I just listen to the song,its very good and sad at the same time.

[Rotxsen]

Day 50+ I need help...

 

Today I woke up great hoping to land the job at geek squad and all I had two interviews at best buy in this week but I still can't get her off my head today we would have made a year and three months heh... me and her played a online game by coincidence today my friend says check your inbox on this game so i did and I noticed there were a few emails from her ... I never really bothered on deleting and have forgotten as I was reading them I saw the I love you's how she likes to be around me how great I am etc etc... I was wondering why what happened to that girl that said that what happened at the end ? why you went off to that other guy I know we had our problems I wasn't perfect but you know I changed cause I knew I was gonna lose her I changed many things ... I know I wasn't suppose to do that but damn... I wanted the old me back but I guess now that I have it it's too late.. after reading those emails I yelled so hard "GET OUT OF MY HEAD" "I DON'T NEED THIS ANYMORE!" But still she is there like a wound never fully heals still bleeding... I have no intentions of contacting her I have the urges but I won't I know I can rely on myself on that ... in 14 more days will be a half of year without her heh time sure goes be eh? yet I'm still on that state some days are harder then other but you are still here on my mind and sadly I still have this little hope inside my chest you will come back I don't want this hope anymore I want to fully move on just like the dude in the movie swingers says little by little you forget her you forget the pain but sometimes you miss the pain maybe that's how I'm feeling ? I noticed also every time I see a pretty girl I compare them to her like I'm all the time I'm like I want a asian girlfriend again what's wrong with me I thought I had this under control I thought I was doing right started martial arts trying to get a job learning how to drive playing games isn't enough to get my mind occupied my mind off her ..? all I know is that I really need some help .. I can't do this alone .. I won't have a rebound like her I can't do it... I don't have the heart to plays with someone else feelings

 

Today could have been the happiest day of my life beside her I sit here next to this computer alone..

[WhatSetsUs]

I've been feeling pretty down since yesterday and today is no different. I'm back home for spring break and it's actually making me feel worse than when I was at school. During the three hour drive home, all these old memories of being home with my ex started coming back. Back in January my ex and I spent everyday with each other at home, doing all the things we loved to do together. And now I am home and it just hurts knowing she's not here. I'm not gonna break NC but I can certainly say that I am still hurting and that the urge is starting to seep back into me. I havent even had the urge to talk to her since I've started NC and now all of sudden its back.

 

I miss her so much right now. It's just so weird being home and not being with my ex. I really hope that this week home doesnt end up being my downfall. Without the distractions of my busy college life, I know that I'll be spending plenty of time thinking about my ex. Somethings gotta give in this sucky situation.

[ex sweatheart]

Day 8 and feeling a little better.. i think

 

Was packing cupboards of clothes to move and found some of his stuff, felt pretty crappy and figured it was an excuse to call him but thankfully talked myself out of it quickly so went to get a pedicure and see a movie with my daughter instead... lol good way to avoid cleaning and looking at more boxes but hey took my mind off a few things anyway.

I keep kicking myself that im this upset and rattled by a 9 month relationship that i actually ended, i keep reading the posts on here that say the dumper should be feeling strong but maybe it just the reasons behind the breakup that alter feelings.

Hope everyone has been having a good or at least better day today xo

[jaygirl]

Ex sweetheart, i understand what you are going through. I think in our case, we are indirectly the dumpees, because we left because they didnt want us!

 

I guess, we have no choice but to try to be strong!

[ex sweatheart]

Ex sweetheart, i understand what you are going through. I think in our case, we are indirectly the dumpees, because we left because they didnt want us!

 

 

 

Your completely right about that !!! hope your having a good day

[TSandullo]

Day 9 - Another weekend, but it seems quite good!

 

Last saturday was a bit of a bummer.

 

But this saturday seems pretty good. I read bitebenot's response to my log yesterday on another part of the forum and what he said struck hard. I have to man up a bit and develop more of a wild side if I am to reattract or attract any woman.

 

Obviously, I will have to have the normal genuine, caring, affectionate stuff required of a guy, but that should go hand in hand with my....meanness.

 

Therefore, I have decided, as bad as this sounds, from monday onwards, I am going to be very mean to my ex! Do I love her? Yup. Do I care for her? Yup. Do I want to get back with her? yup. So why am I going to be mean?

1) To man up

2) Have fun in the process

3) Help me get over her more

 

Now, before the cries and shouts of anger appear, I know many might ask, why the F*** is he doing that if he wants her back? won't it kill his chances?

 

My ans: It doesn't matter, I have nothing to lose. I am being mean for myself. Cos I need it right now, and I need it to pave the way to make the necessary changes in myself so that my future relationships will bear more fruit. Can't fathom that? tough!

I'll care for my woman, but from hereon and henceforth, I won't accept third class behaviour so if she don't like it, piss off.

 

How should I be mean?

I guess I'll keep ignoring her, disregarding her complaints, tease her if the situation arrives. But I won't go as far as going malicious...

 

Then again, I know I will have to keep it civil too since we work and study together.

 

Damn! feels good writing all this. Though I love Zorba's compassionate approach, I thinks it goes wonderfully hand in hand with bite's mean raw approach.

 

I'm feeling good. I hope I can sustain and develop this feeling for a long time to come.

 

TS

 

p.s CAN ANYONE ELSE GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS AS TO HOW I CAN BE MEAN TO MY EX?

Please avoid any suggestions involving swinging a morning star into her face...