THE NO CONTACT CHALLENGE, Part 2

[Rotxsen]

Day 32

 

Well it's been quite hard to find myself a good lady in new york not that I'm 100% focused on it but I'm just testing out the waters well met a couple but don't get my fully attention I been focusing in myself lately got my permit and started ninjutsu classes but still trying to find me a better job since I quit being a waiter It's true there is not a day that does not pass by that her memories comes at mind but I pay no mind since I know eventually even memories fade with time I did what I did I wasn't perfect maybe even abusive but at the end I showed her I could change I showed her how much I care but still went with that rebound I just wish her the best and like I said to her before going NC I wish you the best and if you ever need me you know were to find me but after all that life is pretty good I been reading a few threads like the reverse psychology of rebound and how to get back a ex but I don't think I'm using them to get back with her it's more like I'm using their advices to help myself to find me.

 

To find the lost part of me that was consumed on our relationship ever since I been on a quest and I found myself I feel like now I have a doctor ship in love but what's the point to have such knowledge if you have no one to use it on or try to build a new relationship I mean like I said It be unfair to have a gf only because it will bring me happiness that just being selfish because the only thing that can make you happier then anything and anybody else in reality is you and never let someone else take that altar in your life you are always meant to be on top if you let someone else get on it you are nothing but a shadow of who you once where lesson learned and will keep it forever in my heart now ... I just hope to get a job and things get better I had a dream about her coming back on a game we used to play and tried harassing me but ehh it's just a dream but after that everything is fine and thank for you everyone who helped on the forums.

[star111]

almost a month- longest i can remember of NC throughout the 2 years. i'm fine in letting him be, letting him heal. i'm ready for a new love, i just don't know if i will find it. i dont know if i'm capable of opening myself up completely. i'm so picky- i don't even talk to people. i never really was open/available....but he got me closer than anyone ever did.

hopefully another month from now i won't still wonder how he is and if he thinks about me- or just plain hates me. i want to be in a better place....with myself.

[1guygirl]

Day 9

 

5 weeks split today, most of that in NC and occasional LC

 

had dream bout him last night, just how I remember his steady lovely gaze he'd throw me, and his gorg hands and eyes and voice *ooh i loved his voice and laugh*

 

dreams can be very cruel..

 

but i didnt remember dream, or think about him straight away as I awoke

 

he's gone, and i have to move on, its that simple, too much time has been lost on this already between us, he made his choice, and whether or not he wants to heap all the blame for that choice onto me - Im past caring - the result is the same and it shows hes actually an emotional manipulator (even just a teeny bit) who cant take responsibilty for his decisions, but instead used it to 'punish' me for not taking his ignoring me

[Loxxt]

had dream bout him last night

 

I had a dream about my ex last night. I didn't like it. He came back and asked me to marry him. I said yes. The wedding was that day in a few hours. I had no dress, no ring, no help. It made me feel helpless and nervous. He acted like he did in a previous dream: standoffish, like he didn't really want to be there. I felt desperate, like I had to earn his respect and prove I was worth his time. The dream left me feeling sad and used, but most of all that I didn't want, need or deserve a man treating me like that.

[Loxxt]

I contacted mine today for a similar reason. I don't know if your ex is stubborn, or dellusional like mine. I thought contacting him would make me feel better, give me closure, and i would let him know how he made me feel. None of this actually came from the contact. He was the same way as usual. The contact only made me feel worse about the entire situation, and I feel like I gave up my dignity by doing it. Actually I gave up all control I had. So don't make the same mistake.

 

I've called him delusional in other posts. I don't know if he really is but he fits the definition so I think it's safe to say he is. I think I'm in the same situation as you. What's stopping me from talking to him are two things:

1. Will make me feel like I gave him exactly what he wants and feeding his ego.

2. He won't answer, won't feel the harsh sting from the words as I so desperately want.

 

I really want to be able to throw him out of my life and not feel this way.

[mwh67]

round 2 day 22

 

im not even really worried about it now. the ultimate test will be to see if i dont call her while im home this weekend. i dont see myself doing it

[Loxxt]

I agree,theres nothing to gain but a lot to lose ! Dumpers need to know we are not looking for crumbs.Once you ignore them they become like us,dumpees ! And then you get all the control back and they feel rejected.From there dumpers and dumpees are finally equal. Its a cat and mouse game.Playing well is the key if not fuc*** it ! After a whiile we come to the coclusion its not worth it and we let go for good.

 

I did ignore him for a long while (a month, it's only been 2 months since he left) but then I contacted him about his mail and was cold to him. I know it affected him because of his reaction. Obviously it bothered me to have him leave me for someone else then after a month of NC to have him say he's sorry he gave up, but it took me walking out of his life for him to act this way. Like you said, he was becoming a dumpee. (I think the main reason why NC works is because you are essentially dumping them back. That's why once you do this, they lean in and act like a dumpee.) The bigger, stronger part of me told me to say nothing. The weak, emotional part of * me told me to answer or else he'll walk away. Well 4 days later I gave in. I felt good about telling him how I felt and being clear, but like 1+1 said it didn't give me closure. In fact it made me feel misunderstood and like a weaker person and I started crying again. I hated his selfish answer. I hated how I think that he thinks I'm fine, he's forgiven and has my blessing.

 

I know from experience that not getting an answer is far worse. No reaction often stings more, other than having someone tell you off with angry tears in their eyes. I said this a month ago and I was and am now trying again to work towards it: apathy. * I wish I could box up all he's done to me, made me feel and send it back to him. *

[Loxxt]

i'm fine in letting him be, letting him heal.

 

It's good that you feel this way.

 

Just remember, your main focus at this point should be yourself.

[11everything2-1nothing]

Officially Day 1

 

He was the first thing I thought about when I woke up this morning, but I didn't feel as sad as I did yesterday morning, when I decided to respond to his sad face text. The change in today is that I don't expect him to call me or text me anymore. Before I would wait for it.

 

I don't know if this is unhealthy, but I went out with my first love last night. We were together 10 years ago, broke up 7 years ago. Somehow I always end up seeing him when I go through a break up. (I also see him other times but really we just meet up 2-3 times a year). It makes me feel better being around him because I know that I was able to move on from him. But he always tells me he still loves me and misses me. We kissed last night for the first time in 7 years. He made the moves, and when I stopped he begged me. It was weird. I shouldn't have done it

[kvb10]

Day 30 -- challenge complete -- yea!

 

Sooo looking back. I've had some pretty crappy days and some great days. Most of the crappy days happened within the first two weeks... not I'm having better days. I've made some good changes for myself... got a prescription for therapy which I will start once I can (waiting list) and will work on things about myself that I want to improve. Been hanging out with friends. Already submitted an application for a new university and submitting a few more applications this month (always wanted to finish school).

 

Yea... so without NC I wouldn't be this far mentally. I'm doing so much better than at first. She is still in my thoughts a lot and I miss having her in my life.... but at the same time, it's just the way it is and I'm fine with that now. I've accepted it and I know it's for the best and I am moving on.

 

When I started NC I think I was secretly doing it in hopes to get her back, but after a couple of weeks it changed and became about me.

 

Even though the challenge was only for 30 days, I'm going to stick with NC for a very long time. I'll be back to the thread to check in from time to time.

 

Good luck everyone! You can do it.. it does get easier.

[1guygirl]

whoop whoop....glad to hear it has become about you and not ex.

[kvb10]

Day 9

 

5 weeks split today, most of that in NC and occasional LC

 

had dream bout him last night, just how I remember his steady lovely gaze he'd throw me, and his gorg hands and eyes and voice *ooh i loved his voice and laugh*

 

dreams can be very cruel..

 

but i didnt remember dream, or think about him straight away as I awoke

 

he's gone, and i have to move on, its that simple, too much time has been lost on this already between us, he made his choice, and whether or not he wants to heap all the blame for that choice onto me - Im past caring - the result is the same and it shows hes actually an emotional manipulator (even just a teeny bit) who cant take responsibilty for his decisions, but instead used it to 'punish' me for not taking his ignoring me

 

Yes the dreams are the worst... it makes everything feel so fresh again.

 

In my dreams my ex is always mean to me though and the situation is always really stressful. I am usually trying to talk to her and she is pulling away from me or refusing to talk to me and somehow being mean to me. It's weird. It's starting to create a final memory of her in my head of her being mad at me... it's weird. I know it's not true but you know how dreams can be so realistic. Sometimes you remember them as memories.

 

Keep trucking! 9 days is great! Those early days are some of the hardest ones.

[WhatSetsUs]

So I've decided to join this thread because I've been struggling lately with NC.

 

My ex broke up with me on Feb 1st after being together for about 3 years. We did break up last year which was when I first joined this site. We had gotten back together and our second relationship was better than the first. Unfortunately I started making some of the same mistakes that led to the first breakup and then it happened again.

 

Since then I made the typical "I've changed, give me another chance" phone call, and drunk texted a few nights after that, but since then I have been in strict NC.

 

19 Days... Its officially the longest amount of NC I have ever done with my ex. And to be honest, I hate it. While I have made huge strides in maturing and learning about myself and the mistakes I've made, I'm still not getting any better. I still miss her like crazy, I literally think about her all the time. I'm even dreaming about her nightly. It's kind of ridiculous to be honest. I know that NC is about healing and becoming a better person. And trust me, I am. I've even been going to counseling regularly these past few weeks. But the desire to get my ex back is still as strong as it was the day after she broke up with me.

 

I'm just hoping that by Day 30 of NC, something will have changed in my life that will make this all worth it.

[jinxremoving]

WhatSetsUs - It's difficult, I know. Instead of just magically hoping things will get better, you need to be active in your healing process. Tell yourself you're better than this. You don't need to rely on anybody else for your happiness other than yourself. Think thoughts you don't like such as "She's called it a day so why should I waste my emotions on somebody who gave up on me?". Yes, you will have made mistakes but unless it was something unforgivable, she gave up on YOU. As George Herbert said - "living well is the best revenge". Show her what she's missing out on. You're stronger than you think you are. Experiences like this shape us and we're all the better for them. Remember that during the hard times.

[WhatSetsUs]

WhatSetsUs - It's difficult, I know. Instead of just magically hoping things will get better, you need to be active in your healing process. Tell yourself you're better than this. You don't need to rely on anybody else for your happiness other than yourself. Think thoughts you don't like such as "She's called it a day so why should I waste my emotions on somebody who gave up on me?". Yes, you will have made mistakes but unless it was something unforgivable, she gave up on YOU. As George Herbert said - "living well is the best revenge". Show her what she's missing out on. You're stronger than you think you are. Experiences like this shape us and we're all the better for them. Remember that during the hard times.

 

Thanks for the advice, jinx. I'm trying to look at it from that point of view, its just kind of hard especially since I place a lot of the blame for the break up on myself. I will keep what you said in mind though, sometimes I guess it takes convincing yourself that youre stronger than you actually are to make that a reality.

[11everything2-1nothing]

Still Day 1

 

I know this morning I was set on not calling him, but now I feel tempted I'm back to that waiting for him to call feeling. I just keep trying to telling myself I have no business talking to that jerk, and that by calling him not only will I be extremely desperate, I will also be accepting his behavior. When I was younger I used to be that person that always called and cried and made up and allowed people to mistreat me further. I don't want to be that person anymore. Yet I still miss him.

 

On another note...this morning I felt strange about kissing my first love last night after 7 years. Now I feel upset about the whole thing. I think he took advantage of my vulnerability.

[anon12]

Just for everyone whos currently going NC, or deciding too. While discussing thing with my now girlfriend, former ex, said that not talking to her, was the best thing i could do. I begged, and pleaded to start with, it pushed her away, she told me it did, i realised myself it did aswell.

 

So, try not to stress, is she thinking about me? and the countless other things that run through your mind. And focus on yourself. Who wants to be with someone whos self pitying. Theres no shame in crying your eyes out, and feeling down, we all did it, were all just human after all. But theres a time and place for it, pick yourself up, and go chill with your friends, even if you really dont want to.

 

Remember every situation is unique, dont think because what someone else failed at, or someone else suceeded means its the right thing for you.

 

If you faulter at any point, compose yourself and try again.

 

Its strange, but NC truly worked for me, once id stopped trying to exploit it as a means of getting my ex back, and started using it as a way to heal, move on, and self improve

 

all the best!

[Loxxt]

sometimes I guess it takes convincing yourself that youre stronger than you actually are to make that a reality.

 

So true! But think of it this way: if you only aim to what you think you're capable of then you'll always fall short.

[Loxxt]

I know this morning I was set on not calling him, but now I feel tempted I'm back to that waiting for him to call feeling. I just keep trying to telling myself I have no business talking to that jerk, and that by calling him not only will I be extremely desperate, I will also be accepting his behavior.

 

You were the voice of reason to me, now it's my turn to return the favor... Put down the phone, girl! This is for your own sanity!!! I know I can't take it back and all I can do is know I tried (and he didn't get it) thereby proving that genuine feelings + typical ex = fail.

 

Soooo... Don't txt, and definitely don't call. Take a hot bath, relax, know you are better than this and try to ignore that nagging feeling telling you to to take a step back - because that's all it will be.

 

Being on this end of things is never easy but pulling thru, being strong and growing from it is our reward.

[Loxxt]

Sooo, day um 8 I think.

 

For those of you who don't know a thing about me and my story this is all that is relevant to what I'm about to say... The last contact I had with my ex was surrounding how he had mail in my mailbox (even after he said he'd forwarded it). It sat there for a week so I put "return to sender" on it. Well, today I come home and find "loose dog" written on my mail. And I know for a fact it's not my ex's writing and he's definitely not one for insults. I moved to this city 3 years ago and I don't know anyone who would do that to me other than my ex's new gf.

 

I'm pretty sure she wrote that on my mail.

 

Anyways, I know confronting my ex or her about it won't do anything but cause drama. But w+f ya know? Sounds like he's got himself a keeper right there - resorting to writing trash on my mail. And it's so weird that a girl who hit on and "stole" someone else's bf would call the girl she stole him from the "loose dog". Sheesh. So pathetic.

[Rotxsen]

Typical guy trying his luck with a rebound let him be you are stronger then that loose dog nah you are not I see you as a marvelous person of unbreakable will if you are going NC let her talk all she like's because she knows you know him better then any person in this world and she is jealous of what you and him had and will never compare to what they are having just do you and focus on yourself good luck my dear.

[11everything2-1nothing]

Almost day 2

 

I didn't contact him. I thought I wanted to earlier but that feeling only last for a little while and it passed. I think because relationship was relatively short even though we spent just about every day together at first, I am taking this better than past break ups. I did not contact...and I have managed to completely stop thinking about him on and off throughout various parts of the day. I didn't feel like crying tonight. It could just be a false ok feeling.

 

However, I still have not regained all of my motivation. I do still think about him in spurts. I still think and or hope he will call at times, and I am still looking at his face book page even though I deleted him as a friend. Therefore, I know I am not over it.

[11everything2-1nothing]

Your right confronting your ex will only cause drama, and will push them further. The new girl seems pretty insecure about you if she went through the effort to do something as silly as writing on your mail. Just think about that.

[bitebenot]

Your right confronting your ex will only cause drama, and will push them further. The new girl seems pretty insecure about you if she went through the effort to do something as silly as writing on your mail. Just think about that.

 

Shes one crazy b1tch !

[Rotxsen]

Shes one crazy b1tch !

 

Aren't we all?