star111

I dont miss you but im sick and tired of thinking about you i never want to speak again and will happily remove you from my life forever. But i really really need to stop this habit of thinking. Day 2. I know it will pass in time and I will meet someone new and nicer and forget all about your evil fake love. Ive been down this road before. You were such a waste of my time.

Day 1. Blocked. Im annoyed and hurt but not surprised. I will not take your words as truths. I have my entire life ahead of me, I am not stuck in one place or to one job. You are an for saying degrating things about my character. Your insanity and addictions are so beyond disgusting. I laugh that you think any successful woman would ever ever tolerate you and your anger and anti social behaviors. So gross and a turn off. You aren't even capable of 2 way calm conversations. You are a needy lunatic. Good riddance. I know there is better out there for me. 100% better. All you have is a business to boast about. Big deal. That is one small part of life. You will be miserable and alone forever unless you change your unattractive unpleasant ways.

I miss you. I'm tired of thinking about you.

I want to reach out to you right now but it is pointless. All you want to do is clarify your stance on it all and why we cant be together. Im sick of hearing it. And I 'disrespected you'. Yes you love me deeply but dont want to be with me. I acted poorly, etc. Well you never gave us a fresh start from your resentment years ago. Why did you even want to try with me again!!!! I had not contacted you in years for a reason!!! You sucked me in and seduced me for your selfish needs. Im sure of that. You are just as insane emotionally as you were back then. Every piece of it. Makes me sick reading posts from 7 yrs ago about this same stuff. I cant wait to continue working on myself and being an even better person. At least I have a strong desire to work on me and get rid of the habits that no longer serve me. you will always be lost and spinning out of control. I set you free with love. This is just some sick love attachment that drew me in. I need to let go, you obviously have very easily. Im sure you are resorting to your destructive poor choices for instant gratification instead of dealing with your deep issues. So sick and twisted and not authentic at all. You have such an inflated ego with all of your claims about yourself. Someone that needs to convince a person they are something with words is obviously not really there. I am letting you go completely to attract what I truly desire im my life. Have fun tricking the girls until your true self surfaces.

Day 1 again. I feel sooo stupid for sending you the long email late at night. I just vented nonsense. I want to erase you from my mind forever and always. I want to find a real love that works. I want to forget about you so badly that it hurts.

Day 1 of not initiating contact. I don't like that im still thinking about you and expecting a text or email. I dont even want to be with you!!!! At all. All you do is talk about yourself or get upset about everything. I dont even know if it is love I claimed to have felt all these years. Maybe its just a twisted attachment. You havent changed and still make me feel like everything is my fault. Insanity. I am just lonely. I need to choose better men that don't all have the same issues. I need to figure out me and choose better. I saw the red flags from day 1, and tried to leave. Now here I am shaken up all over again. It's not love its toxic. I actually hope I never hear from you again and I will happily move on to find the love of my life. I waa over you years ago. I don't know why you had to be selfish and re enter my life because you continued to find crappy relationships.

Tempted feeling the urge to contact because I know you will respond and see me. But it will just be instant gratification and I will feel like crap after. You are a ridiculous player and always will be. You are ruining my chances of finding somdthing real because I waste so much time focusing on you. You arent what I need. I need to get through this urge to see you. I cant stay on this roller coaster. Its so frustrating. You offer me nothing.

I can't go back. I can't keep going back. I justify that it's ok becsuse im alone and dont have someone so I might as well occupy my time. But I've been doing that for years. I need to try having fun with others. You made it easy but you are so so twisted. You are so manipulative. Wth did you text me at 2am. Because you are insane snd never respect my choice of being done and lettting go. You are selfish snd are used to playing girls until you get your way. Just go away. Go away. Stay away. You get me when im weak then you act like all is good. I hate that about you. Sicko. 6 ing years quit wasting my time you offer me nothing anymore. Never really did.

I miss you. I only miss partying with you. When i get a craving. Or our conversations when togethrr and not feeling alone since im with you. But thats only random moments. And it keeps me stuck. I dont miss you avoiding me otherwise, and always sleeping or working. And always seeing and talking about other girls. I need more substance. I enjoyed your company but it was never enough after the late nights. All you offered was an escape. I miss you but I want more I know im holding myself back from finding what I want if I keep seeing you. You told me I am temporary. I cant waste more time on someone that thinks of me like that.you hurt my heart and I turned cold. Im not a cold person. Im fun happy and loving and simple. No drama no lies. But whatever we had made me guarded and cold with you. So be it. I need to love and be loved in return. I tried and tried so many years. But this is your way, this is what you do with girls. Sooooo many girls, 'known for years' 'friends' exes, babies moms, too many ing girls in your life. To appreciate the real ones.

So tired of this. So tired of feeling lonely and wanting to contact you. Even when I have been busy all week. My head is so warped. Why do you have so much hold over my thoughts. I want to meet someone new but feel so lost and stuck. I feel so empty. I want to be done with you for real for my own good. Why cant I let you go 100%. Im sick of falling backward. I know the negatives outweigh the positive. You are so freaking manipulative. You make me so sick. You are so so sick.

Day 1. Trying this site again, helped in the past. Need to move on from him forever. Have wasted too much precious time. I want to allow room for real love. This is always tough and I want to give in after a few days because he always takes me back. I need to let go and move on once and for all. Ive blocked him on my cell which always makes it a little easier. god I hate missing him. I want to rem9ve him from my mind.

I'm sending you this and I want to send it for the right reasons. Not for the wrong- not to get your attention. I want to send this your way since I have had a bit of turn in luck, and I feel badly for the bills you have had to incur because of us. I want to send this your way and be okay with not ever hearing from you again. or be okay with a simple thank you, but know that doesnt mean we are to start communicating again.. I have to send this to you for my own selfish needs- to know I would help you if I could. And to know you have had to struggle so much with the medical bills. And to release some peace and lift some guilt off of myself. I don't want to send any cards- you received those, and said it doesn't change anything. You are right- it doesn't change my up and down behavior, and I want to be sure I am sending you this to help you -- not because I am seeking attention... oh I hope I don't react after you receive it.. I want to send and wish you peace. And I want to not look back. I told you I would help you when I could.

I'm so lonely I can't stand it anymore. At least I'm not writing you. I am so angry that I have yet to meet anyone. I suppose it's karma. You're suffering from the accident, perhaps I'm going to end up alone forever. I don't know. I'm too tired to even write or think. I don't even really remember who you are or what you look like or who you were when I fell in love. Maybe I'm not even thinking about you. Maybe I don't have anything else to waste my energy on. I can't believe I don't even have random people to mess around with. God what happened to me. seriously. how long will i be alone. i cant believe that you will really be the only love of my life. im still so young. but yet months, years have passed and Ive met no one since you. that kills me inside. i dont even want to be with you. i just want someone to love me the way you did. and for me to feel that for them.

day 0 on here for a new guy. now dealing with 2 no contacts. obviously i have issues. feels worse right now. like i'm aching to just feel something real. so im accepting crap. im soooo sick and tired. im so so tired. of it all. the lonliness. the anger/hatred they make me feel. im in such a hateful mood. this isnt healthy, this isnt me., im going backward.

day 1 i sent a bunch of wacky emails to him. knowing he wont respond. now i feel stupid of course of course. just makes me look low and pathetic. and his not responding makes him seem strong and great. whyyyy did he have to come back into the picture. ugh. ive been a crazy wreck with everything ive contacted him about. god...i should be embarrassed i even said the things i did. ugh. i want him out of my head forever. i really do. i want to move on and find a great love. no more emails no more emails.

i'm so tired of you still being brought up when people ask about my last relationship. do i still love you. of course i still love you and you love me. we knew this when we ended. but its so much harder to explain why that isn't enough reason to be together. i know its not enough. i know now that love is not enough and it makes sense. but it hurts so much. everyone around me so determined to set me up and find me someone great. when all i keep referring back to are things about you. but i know you arent the whole of what i want. i want half of what you were...and the rest i dont know. i just want love. i want crazy good amazing love again. i want it so badly. im sick and tired of trying. im so sick of trying. dating sucks. nobody gets me the way you do. nobody even wants to.

day 1 im super depressed....cant get out of bed. starting to realize i dont think its not having him around that makes me sad, im just naturally not happy with where things are at in my life. and i guess im lonely, im scared to death to meet anyone new. and go through all the crap with someone new. what if nobody has the rare traits my ex had. he had a lot of bad too though. im afraid to move forward. i feel stuck

day 4 i really wish my mind wasnt so active. im further this round, im not going to contact. but boy does my mind make up things i would message him with. i dont understand.....

day 3. i thought up an email i would write a few times, including tonight after i had been drinking. came here instead. thank god that urge to write is gone. never turns out to be a good thing...... i still wish he would show up at my door.

day 2 eh...nothing. numb.

we met when we were so messed up and so lost. no wonder we could never get things straight. it kills me inside how much love we have for the other but how much animosity we feel. why do we love so much. are we really that messed up to settle for this crap we put each other through. i hate you for coming back into my life.....for no good reason at all. you dont want me. you just were going through something and decided i was an answer. i hate you so much for putting me back into this sick place in my head. of loneliness and not thinking anyone else out there will ever make me feel the way you do. but i dont trust you. i think you take anything that gives you the slightest validation. you will always lie to me. i hate you for that. i haven't had hate in awhile......its not real hate. just anger. thin line between love and hate.

day 1 for the 500th time im so mad he even shook this up again. i hate him for hurting me. i really dont....just felt like saying that would make me feel better. but im not playing victim...were both guilty..... and although we love each other.....nothing good can come out of us. nothing. it will only get worse. im done. im walking away. i walked away a long time ago.

day 0 i almost want to laugh hysterically....at how predictable this stuff gets. really.....the guy contacts me 6 days ago after NC for 4 months. He's been healing from an accident all this time, reason NC became so easy to me. I wanted to let him be- no stress. He comes back, we are mature and caring and wishing eachother well, etc, good to talk without anger etc. See him one night, lay together...nothing else. he needs someone to help him sexually since the accident. i actually contemplate it. meanwhile- tonight.....he's back to his crazy defensive nutso self. i'm freaking so MAD that i ever responded in the first place. and makes me question my sanity! and these fights we have...always blaming the other for acting wrong......ive had with no one for the past 4 months. but yet i feel connected to him still??? omg......this is practically abuse--tearing me down, jesus. im just shocked at how bad it is- i havent doubted myself in 4 months- hes back in the picture and i feel worthless again! hmmm...doesnt take a genuis to figure this one out. if i go back again.....im nuts. the 4 months of NC were pure bliss. painful and sad and super lonely...but soooooooooo peaceful.

4 months.....and he flippen contacts me. 4 months.....a lifetime of NC, and oh I did better than I had in years. whyyyyyy does the universe work this way. i swear- i thought out of all the men who always come back- he would be the one that stays away. its just so ridiculously easy- the way we fall as humans. i honestly stopped contact to move on. i havent evewn been on here in 3 months. and i count the months (I stopped counting the days). and he would cross my mind daily....but more of a dull thought. then out of nowhere- he appears in email. i just dont get our minds i just dont get it.

i wish there was a you without the addictions. i wish i had that you. you fooled me...from the beginning. you played it well for a long time. the real person always surfaces- and that makes it impossible. you always said you just couldnt understand why we couldnt get it right. i think i know half the battle. take the altered state out of the picture and im sure it would be a whole new world. i wonder if you see that now. or if you continue to live your days the same. i'm sure you're alone just like me right now. reason why we connected so fast. now you have an entire group of people that were never in the picture- that i cant imagine are any good for you. where was the social you when we were together? makes me sick to think of you being so fake to meet people. and being fake and 'funny' to the girls. god that always made me so sick-seeing that fake you. you will never find another me.