Saudade

You sent me that letter but I feel like I have nothing to say to you....Its been 5 weeks and we really didnt speak to each other....besides two polite emails acknowledging each others Bdays and thats it.!!!! Wow, it is still hurts a lot....When will I ever forget you? You have a damn cold heart.

You are the worst disappointment of my life... I trusted you when you said you loved me...You took so long to say and when you finally did I thought you meant it for real. I am mad at myself today because I allowed you to make me a fool....Yeh thats exactly how I feel...A fool...for believing that you loved me for real. I know one day you will regret....but I dont want you to come back and beg for me to take you back..I want you to live thinking how happy you d be if had chose to be with me. YOU are BIG LOSER!!!

Week 3 Wow...it has been hard.... but I know I am getting better each day even though I still miss him every single day. It has been 3 weeks today since the break up. Last and only contact was last week when I emailed him to say Happy birthday...I know I shouldnt have done that...but I did =( ... he replied saying that he really appreciated for hearing from me since I asked for no communication...and yes,he has been respecting that..What the hell!!! We see each other on msn but we dont talk. Did he already move on? I mean...doesnt he miss me ? what we had was a big lie? Did he never like me? Why does it look that this breakup didnt affect him at all? How come someone can be so cold? Only if he had someone else Id understand all this coldness...but I know he is not seeing anybody else... Sometimes I think in contacting him in some way to let him know that I dont hate him. Maybe this is stopping him to reach me?!..But then I stop and think ..wait a min I have the right to be angry and even hate him....He hurt me really really bad. I trusted him when he told me he loved me. When he said he could see us together...all our plans...Then next min he was dumping me....Yeh, if we will ever get back together it has to be him who has to work for it...NOT me...I gave him my best...I truly loved him and he knows that... he will have to work hard to get my trust again.......and for now I will be working to improve myself....I am working on that...yesterday I started my Pilates class..it felt good....tomorrow I will be going to see a movie with a friend...Sunday I am going rock climbing with a couple of friends. Yeh I have to keep myself busy..that 's the key to maintain this NC. Sorry if I make no sense...I am having a roller coaster of emotions still...sometimes I want have hope..but sometimes I think I just to face that he wont come back. But tomorrow is a new day and I will be feeling much better. Hang on there fellas...everything will be fine...with or without them...just believe it.

Day 13-week2 OMG!!! Its been so hard this week...I think most because it is his bday on Friday and it makes me even more depressed knowing that I wont be there with him. I know he is going to celebrate in a bar with a couple of friends. He has been sick this weak. It kills me to pretend that I dont care. My friend even joked saying ' He is ok...its remorse' This NC is killing me but I know it is the only way for me to get out of this sadness. So many question still go through my head everyday, all day long. I wonder if he ever cared. Why doesnt he call? Will he ever call? How could everything we had together meant nothing all the sudden? I know we had something special. If he misses me. Argh!!! I just wanna this pain go away so badly. I just wanna be able to smile again with or without him. I dont wanna be this sad person. I wanna be again that happy/fun person that all my friends and family know and love to be around. =(

Day 12 - NC I ve been very emotional the whole day. I dont know why? I thought I was getting better. I think it is the whole Bday thing( Friday is his bday)... i decided I wont acknowledge it. If he cared whether or not i would've remembered his birthday, he would not have broken up with me 2 weeks prior to his birthday. This website has been helping to build up my will power during this though time of my life. Thanks!

Day 11 I almost failed on my NC challenge today. He was on his msn and his status said he is sick...I just wanted to know if he was ok...I dont want to seem insensitive. It s been over a week since he broke up with me and it is driving me crazy not knowing about him. But he made his choice. I need to keep on with my goal that is NC. I know that is the best for myself. I think Ive been dying to break the NC most because the last thing I said to him was that 'I hated him for giving me hope for our relationship up to the day he broke up with me'..I was angry and hurt and I didnt mean it. I hope he knows that.

day 10 for me.... My bf and I broke up 10 days ago. The day he broke up with me I asked him for NC. I was angry and hurt. And he is actually accomplishing it. =(So I am though. Sometimes I want so badly to contact him but then I call one of my girlfriends and they help me to get back my will power. Its not easy. I wonder if he doesnt miss me. If he doesnt wonder how I am doing. Its like he never cared. And I really thought he loved me and so my friends. Everybody is chocked he did that. Well, I hope I keep up with my NC challenge.